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Author Topic: 177 days...  (Read 614 times)
Yoke
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« on: November 08, 2019, 09:41:14 AM »

It is strange how life can be. How the Odds can be against you. Usually, you want the Odds to be on your side, but this time it was not good for me. You know that I just wanted to see my ex, if just for some seconds.. because I miss her. But i did not know how i would feel if i saw her again.  177 days... 177 days since I saw her , the day she broke up with me with a textmessage and disappeared.. 177 days.  But today I saw her.. through a stupid window. I was working and had to visit a patient at the big hospital. I went there and didnt know wich ward or floor it was at so I asked for it. The 5th floor.. when the receptionist told me that... i felt like i couldnt breath.. my ex works at that floor.. But i tried to calm myself down telling myself that it was not on the same ward i was going too and she might been free today, work nightshift.. the Odds to see her was like 1%.. I went up with the elevator, walked into the ward where my patient was. I met her and her motheer, we talked. The 5th floor has an amazing view. Huge windows.. i stood so I could look at the patients mother  and i could see out at the same time.. Across the window, i saw another patient sitting, and suddenly... my ex came into the room there. At first i did not belive my eyes. It couldn't have been here! Not now.. i was only going to visit my patient 25 minutes because then my parkingticket was expired.. and she stood there in the window.. she looked out and then started to talk to her own patient.. disappeared a few seconds. Then came back again so I could see her threw the window.. for some minutes.. my heart pounded fast, and i wanted to run out of the room but i couldnt.. and I couldnt stop look at her. 177 days since i saw her... and she looked the same.. so beautiful... then i had to leave my patient. Went out and to get to the elevator i had to pass the enterance to her ward. But luckily the doors have frosted glass.. but then the door suddenly opend, and out came two staff from the ambulance going out from my ex ward.. and behind them- she walked toward my direction in the corridor.. i looked quick at her, she saw me, then she went into another room but came out again.. but was going back to her patient i guess so i just saw her back... then she was gone and my elevator came.. the odds to see her was smaller than 1%... why is god testing me? Why does someone want to hurt me like that?  I felt that i miss her soo much still.. when i saw her.. I hate that i feel like this. But my therapist told me that its a normal reaction to see your ex for the first time after a hard painful breakup.. that next time it wont maybe feel so painful and sad... but god what I miss her... i have dreamt of how she look in her workingclothes... so sexy and feminin.. ( we met at the first time at work on my old ward).. i have been down now, cried a lot... why must it has to be and feel like this? Its not fair... how do I forget all this. I know that some part of me will always  love her.. and i hate myself for that... because she will never come back...
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« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2019, 06:35:17 PM »

Hi Yoke,

Hi!

I can understand how so one would be walking on eggshells after being dumped and your ex doesn’t give you an explanation and completely avoids you. That’s tough.

that next time it wont maybe feel so painful and sad... but god what I miss her... i have dreamt of how she look in her workingclothes... so sexy and feminin..

If I read this line and I’m trying to think of how someone would feel emotionally after they had a bad break up I would be thinking melancholy, pining, heart break and that’s because of the current context.

She’s put on a pedestal. She broke up over a text message and disappeared almost six months ago and you had not seen her until just recently.

It helps to reframe that feeling when you’re leaning too far one way thinking about the positive aspects of that person. Can you think of and add the opposite? Can you think of negative aspects that will help you see it in a different perspective?
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Yoke
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« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2019, 03:06:06 PM »

Hi and thanx @Mutt. I have lots of examples of the painful things she did too me. All the breakups/makeups, everytime she broke up it was with an textmessage, never in front of me. Cancelled vaccations abroad i already paid for, the huge rage in every textmessages she sent when she broke up,  the accusations... i do reflect on them often. It was a hell of a rollercoaster with her. Emotionally..

Excerpt

I read this line and I’m trying to think of how someone would feel emotionally after they had a bad break up I would be thinking melancholy, pining, heart break and that’s because of the current context. 

She’s put on a pedestal. She broke up over a text message and disappeared almost six months ago and you had not seen her until just recently. " ... yes you are right, its hard to understand how someone, me.. would feel emotionally towards her when she did that too me.. I  have been thinking of thar too.. a lot. After the breakup and she vanished.. one part of me died. I didnt want to live anymore, i cried my heart out the first 3 weeks.. felt my heart would pop out.. i got depressed.. spent all summer feeling like PLEASE READ, all "our" vaccationplans was destroyed. I went to theraphy after the week she was gone and it has helped me much. I have grieved her, and some of me still do. I have been angry, devestated, sad, numb.. every painful thing you can feel... But somehow.. i choosed to stay in the relationship and got engaged with her for almost  9 months.  Why? When i was treated like that? Because of my love for her. I hate the disorder she might have.. i hate what the disorder made her do to me.. the evil hurtful things.. but i don't hate her.. because I know how much pain she has inside of her already.. her traumatic non loved childhood, her painful memories and loss of people she loved.. It is not an excuse for her behaviour- because what she did too me, you don't do so to someone you have an a relationship with, someone u are engaged with, sleep with.. and i hate that pain she caused me. Trust me. But hate the one truly love in my life..? No. I can't do that. My love for her is unconditionally.. even though she never will contact or coming back to me.. some part of me will always love her and miss her. She had so much good qualities and the love she gave me.. that i will never experience again... she made me feel pain i never thought i could feel .. but also a love that you can't describe with words.. Hate is not something i can do.. do u understand me @Mutt? Or do u think am just crazy?...
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« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2019, 03:50:23 PM »

Hi and thanx @Mutt. I have lots of examples of the painful things she did too me. All the breakups/makeups, everytime she broke up it was with an textmessage, never in front of me. Cancelled vaccations abroad i already paid for, the huge rage in every textmessages she sent when she broke up,  the accusations... i do reflect on them often. It was a hell of a rollercoaster with her. Emotionally..

I know that this is really tough. She is really both people the person that would put you on a pedestal and the same person that would devaluate you. It's good to come here and talk about talk to others to get feedback.

Or do u think am just crazy?...

You're not crazy there are a lot of people here including me that can relate with you. It's hard to see the road ahead when you are distracted now with this pain. What I mean is it's hard to feel like you will never feel love again because of how you feel now in this moment. You're in a lot of pain but it won't always be this way.

You had big plans with her and you had summer vacation plans with her as well to have the rug pulled from underneath you because she stopped talking to you is really hurtful. I completely understand what you mean by a pwBPD having a lot of their own pain. You have a of empathy for her but what she did to you telegraphs that she has a deficiency in empathy.

When someone disappears like that it causes it's own traumatic hurt. When two people can no longer continue they will give their explanation why they can't continue the relationship and things will usually end gracefully you might still be in contact with them or there may be a period after the r/s is done where you are both still in touch.

Adults that can maintain healthy r/s's give each other closure and sometimes a r/s will end because of tragic reasons like one person passes away and they can't give you closure that leaves a lot of unanswered questions to the person that is left behind.

Do you feel like you didn't get closure?
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Yoke
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« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2019, 02:53:38 AM »

@Mutt. Thanx. 
Excerpt
When someone disappears like that it causes it's own traumatic hurt. When two people can no longer continue they will give their explanation why they can't continue the relationship and things will usually end gracefully you might still be in contact with them or there may be a period after the r/s is done where you are both still in touch. 

Adults that can maintain healthy r/s's give each other closure and sometimes a r/s will end because of tragic reasons like one person passes away and they can't give you closure that leaves a lot of unanswered questions to the person that is left behind. 
"
, Do you feel like you didn't get clousure?"

Yes, i dont feel I got a closure because she never gave me one. Disappeared with a lousy textmessage full of anger, desperation, accusations but never told me WHAT  i had done to her?- so yes, i didn't get a closure.. Like u wrote..

When two people can no longer continue they will give their explanation why they can't continue the relationship and things will usually end gracefully you might still be in contact with them or there may be a period after the r/s is done where you are both still in touch.  That is how a relationship normal ends and will be when u are adults. That hurts also, but at least you can talk about it, maybe stay in contact. Not just accuse someone, and totally disappear. We were together for 9 months and the day before she left we made love because she wanted that. We had such an amazing months before the breakup. If we had it bad, then it would have made more sense too me. We were planning for me to move to her apartement soon. She asked me too.. So this all does not make sense at all... and I do wish she could just tell me WHY she left. Then at least I will get a closure. . But I know i wont have that ever. She will never give me an explanation, or see me again..even though i have read some of them comes back. I dont belive in that. She is gone. Do u want to know what she wrote in  the final textmessage @Mutt? Then, u might help me understand what she meant? And u can explain to me..
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« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2019, 05:29:39 PM »

Go ahead and share her last text message here.
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Yoke
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« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2019, 10:18:21 AM »

@Mutt.. This , she sent me when she brokeup and disappeared.. i will try teanslate it in English here.
:  Now it has to end with your lies... Another thing you said.. and shows to be ANOTHER ONE!.. you promised me to be completly honest to me.. ANOTHER LIE!  Another promise you  crossed your heart on and give a PLEASE READ about.. And now, black on white it shows to be a complete other one..and lots of bullPLEASE READ!.. all of it makes me wanna puke.. All the textmessages you sent to me about how deep in love you are in me and you sneak behind my back at the same time! That is far beyond normal! Like all other times , i thought you would change.. but hell no! You kill me completely ! And a person like you shall not destroy me anylonger! You don't have a conscience, so damn unrespectful!  Will not read any garbage textmessages from you now! But what the hell did i think, a person who lies soo much can never stop! Its enough of you and your sick behavour ! So PLEASE READing crazy! Thanx and goodbye!


The whole months we had such a nice amazing time and then, i really felt -NOW.. it will work.. we prepared dinner together, watched a movie and made love that night. She kissed me goodmorning and goodbye and stayed in my apartement while i went to work. Then.. an hour after i left home.. she texted me this.. and disappeared... vanished... So what IS/WAS all of this about, tell me please because I dont know what the hell it was...
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« Reply #7 on: November 12, 2019, 01:11:46 PM »

@Mutt.. This , she sent me when she brokeup and disappeared.. i will try teanslate it in English here.
:  Now it has to end with your lies... Another thing you said.. and shows to be ANOTHER ONE!.. you promised me to be completly honest to me.. ANOTHER LIE!  Another promise you  crossed your heart on and give a PLEASE READ about.. And now, black on white it shows to be a complete other one..and lots of bullPLEASE READ!.. all of it makes me wanna puke.. All the textmessages you sent to me about how deep in love you are in me and you sneak behind my back at the same time! That is far beyond normal! Like all other times , i thought you would change.. but hell no! You kill me completely ! And a person like you shall not destroy me anylonger! You don't have a conscience, so damn unrespectful!  Will not read any garbage textmessages from you now! But what the hell did i think, a person who lies soo much can never stop! Its enough of you and your sick behavour ! So PLEASE READing crazy! Thanx and goodbye!


The whole months we had such a nice amazing time and then, i really felt -NOW.. it will work.. we prepared dinner together, watched a movie and made love that night. She kissed me goodmorning and goodbye and stayed in my apartement while i went to work. Then.. an hour after i left home.. she texted me this.. and disappeared... vanished... So what IS/WAS all of this about, tell me please because I dont know what the hell it was...

OMG that must have been so hard to deal with.  I can relate to this.  The sudden shift from "everything is wonderful" to "you're so horrible".  Your case was even more extreme and sudden than my experiences were.  And the projection!  I was told that I was heartless, and that I thought I was better than everyone else, when it was actually her that was those things.  It's a BPD defense mechanism to project their unfavorable qualities onto other people.
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Mutt
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« Reply #8 on: November 12, 2019, 09:18:53 PM »

I want to echo the poster above. That must of been really hard to deal with. I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to this site but I am glad that you have found us.

BPD traits are triggered by intimacy, the acting out gets worse. A pwBPD want to have a close r/s but cannot sustain a healthy adult r/s.

You’re with someone for awhile and you really like them, you like spending time with them and you’d like to sleep and wake up in the same place as them. It’s logical that you want to take things to the next level and move in with them. I really think that the trigger was the intimacy or how it was going to be more intimate and she probably felt engulfed.

The fear of engulfment is an irrational fear that your identity or individuality is going to consumed or annihilated by the relationship.

I think that she sabotaged the r/s because those words that she said to you are self destructive. It’s a conundrum a pwBPD fear being aloneness and anticipate that the people that they are closest to will abandon them. It’s an irrational fear - they inadvertently set out to do what they fear most they sabotage the r/s because abandoning a loved one first before they are abandoned avoids abandoned which is in itself self defeating.
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« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2019, 12:35:06 AM »

Excerpt
But my therapist told me that its a normal reaction to see your ex for the first time after a hard painful breakup..
that next time it wont maybe feel so painful and sad...

absolutely. especially given how things ended between you.

i think a lot of us face "tests" of our detachment in recovery. i was never going to run into my ex, we live an hour away from each other, but there were other things. for example, i couldnt quit checking her social media and it would send me into a tailspin every time. today, i could check it if i wanted to, and it would be like looking at the social media of someone i went to middle school with. thats what detachment is...slowly breaking away from the emotional ties and wounds.

you faced it. its now behind you.

Excerpt
I know that some part of me will always  love her..

maybe so. but i can promise you, that those feelings will not always hurt.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2019, 08:18:38 AM »

@Mutt.  Thanx.

Excerpt

You’re with someone for awhile and you really like them, you like spending time with them and you’d like to sleep and wake up in the same place as them. It’s logical that you want to take things to the next level and move in with them. I really think that the trigger was the intimacy or how it was going to be more intimate and she probably felt engulfed.

The fear of engulfment is an irrational fear that your identity or individuality is going to consumed or annihilated by the relationship. " i do think the engulfment+ fear of abandonment  was the reason she vanished.  I can deal with that she did not love me anymore or got tired, but just breakup like that not telling me WHY is so hard to deal with. And the way she did it- by a lousy textmessage! You dont do like that when u are + 40 years old. And you do never breakup with a textmessage... without any explanations? It hunts me every day this. I can deal with that she feels disappointed, angry with me, and don't want her in her life. But hate me soo much? I dont just get it. The same woman who showed me soo much love by presence, by amazing textmessage, gesture , everything. Can switch like that in a few hours... I know that she got scared by the intimate periode, but she wanted that, she wanted me to move to her.. but at the same time. Not...

What do u mean by this? @Mutt
Excerpt

think that she sabotaged the r/s because those words that she said to you are self destructive. It’s a conundrum a pwBPD fear being aloneness and anticipate that the people that they are closest to will abandon them. It’s an irrational fear - they inadvertently set out to do what they fear most they sabotage the r/s because abandoning a loved one first before they are abandoned avoids abandoned which is in itself self defeating."... that she means herself? I know , that i am not perfect, but i loved her more than my own life and would never try to hurt her..
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Yoke
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« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2019, 08:21:14 AM »

@onceremoved. Thanx.

Excerpt
today, i could check it if i wanted to, and it would be like looking at the social media of someone i went to middle school with. thats what detachment is...slowly breaking away from the emotional ties and wounds. " 
maybe so. but i can promise you, that those feelings will not always hurt."

that is what i am going .. hopefully. Someday feel. That is my goal and i will achive it.. i wont give up..
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« Reply #12 on: November 17, 2019, 02:57:54 PM »

Quote from: Yoke link=topic=340718.msg13086845#msg13086845
But hate me soo much?

I understand how confusing and hurtful all of this is there is a link for the fear of engulfment which is a great informational discussion  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I would read as much as you can about the disorder, by learning about the disorder you can depersonalize the behaviors. Hang in there.
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« Reply #13 on: November 18, 2019, 12:42:07 AM »

@Mutt. I have read soo much about the disorder already. I know much about how they think, work.. even if i know and learned from it, it does not make me feel better, the pain and the loss will never go away. Maybe not be so intense.. but go away. Never..
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