Should You Notify ExBPD New Partner?

[nowwhatz]

In my introductory post in the new members section I made reference that I attempted to notify the new guy about ex's BPD issue and that maybe I should not have done that.

My note was professional, to the point and did not smear the ex... .just a head up... .and try to educate yourself etc.

This may or may not be a moral question but is/was there any harm in doing that?

On the one hand it may be none of my business.  On the other hand if I was notified somehow in the beginning by an ex I probably would have gotten defensive at first but it would have prompted me to check it out for myself.

What are your opinions on this?

Thank you.

[Gaslit]

I just don't think anyone would listen, not at the very beginning of the relationship.

And if he tells her, you are then the persecutor, him the rescuer, and her the victim. The triangle.

Now, 3 months from now, he might remember what you told him, and it might make sense him then, or start to.

Borderline makes sense to us (an oxymoron I know). But to someone never exposed to it, or us before? It is very hard to truly grasp. Hard now even!

[the new kid]

I'm no expert on this, i don't think my ex is seeing anyone else, wouldn't know if she was and would probably rather not know.

I don't think anyone would thank you for giving them a 'warning', you probably wouldn't come out of it looking good even if your intentions were genuine.

Ironically, and only looking back, my ex herself gave me subtle warnings several times, has led me to thinking that perhaps she has been diagnosed with BPD. I of course ignored them and they came directly from her.

[Gaslit]

Ironically, and only looking back, my ex herself gave me subtle warnings several times, has led me to thinking that perhaps she has been diagnosed with BPD. I of course ignored them and they came directly from her.

Yes, mine too! I completely ignored them. "She won't do that to me, never... ."

[nowwhatz]

All is a lot of good input thank you. Because this is so fresh for me I think the input is helpful to anyone in my situation.

And I agree that nobody really understands it much until they experience it. Heck... .I suspected the BPD early this year and looked into it but not enough. I didn't understand it better until I recycled her a few times.

In the litigious world we live in I thought about... .could this come back to me somehow. I think that is unlikely in this situation as there is no way the exBPDgf would allow the new protector to do anything legal, not that there would be any grounds.

What little I know about the new guy is that he seems like a decent, hard working, responsible guy. 

Yes, I knew the ex husband of my ex-gf. If he had come to me in the beginning and said she was BPD (not that he knew) I would have probably reacted with some skepticism but yes would have checked it out... .especially in this case because the ex is so open about her depression, anxiety and ocd.

[CaptainM]

This may or may not be a moral question but is/was there any harm in doing that?

If I can flip the question a little:

Is there any purpose in doing it?

Who are you doing it for? The new guy? Your ex? Yourself? And what if your ex found out that you "tipped off the new guy"?

In all honesty I can see no good coming from this and a lot of risk of it coming back to bite you. If an ex tried to warn me away from my new partner, I really doubt I'd listen to them... .it's hardly an unbiased source after all.

[CaptainM]

What little I know about the new guy is that he seems like a decent, hard working, responsible guy. 

Your intentions are admirable but this guy (and your ex) are not your responsibility. You walked the path of a disordered relationship and you learned some lessons - if you were anything like me then people probably tried to warn you along the way and you either rationalised it or ignored them. Your path was your path, his path is his path.

If he has a good understanding of healthy relationships then he'll have boundaries in place that, once disrespected, he will protect himself and move on. I wouldn't burden yourself with this stress if I were you - it's not selfish to look after yourself and move on. 

[nowwhatz]

What little I know about the new guy is that he seems like a decent, hard working, responsible guy. 

Your intentions are admirable but this guy (and your ex) are not your responsibility. You walked the path of a disordered relationship and you learned some lessons - if you were anything like me then people probably tried to warn you along the way and you either rationalised it or ignored them. Your path was your path, his path is his path.

If he has a good understanding of healthy relationships then he'll have boundaries in place that, once disrespected, he will protect himself and move on. I wouldn't burden yourself with this stress if I were you - it's not selfish to look after yourself and move on. 

Yes I knew something was terribly wrong early on when she told me she may have to "sacrifice our relationship" by sleeping with some guy for money!  Of course I took care of her problem to save her 'honor.'   I had also been warned later especially after recycling but I was all in.

I think I can divide my 'purpose' into three parts: 1. to notify him for his benefit  2. in the hopes that he would encourage her to get treatment or maybe he would bail on her at some point which could lead her to treatment. 3. so I did something.   

I am aware it is complicated and if I had not had a BPD gf the thought of notifying the next guy about anything would be nil.

So my motives maybe admirable an/or related to my issues at the same time I suppose.

Not something I would have considered doing in any other breakup that's for sure.

[nowwhatz]

What little I know about the new guy is that he seems like a decent, hard working, responsible guy. 

Your intentions are admirable but this guy (and your ex) are not your responsibility. You walked the path of a disordered relationship and you learned some lessons - if you were anything like me then people probably tried to warn you along the way and you either rationalised it or ignored them. Your path was your path, his path is his path.

If he has a good understanding of healthy relationships then he'll have boundaries in place that, once disrespected, he will protect himself and move on. I wouldn't burden yourself with this stress if I were you - it's not selfish to look after yourself and move on. 

I hope he does.

[CaptainM]

Yes I knew something was terribly wrong early on when she told me she may have to "sacrifice our relationship" by sleeping with some guy for money!  Of course I took care of her problem to save her 'honor.'   I had also been warned later especially after recycling but I was all in.

I can absolutely sympathise with you there - I went through the same situation (giving my ex money because she threatened prostitution after following through with it once). An awful situation and I'm very sorry you had to go through that - I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Horribly degrading for everyone involved.  

Not something I would have considered doing in any other breakup that's for sure.

I reckon that's your advice to yourself right there. This isn't your fight to fight any more. You deserve to look after yourself now.

[the new kid]

I was warned by my ex about her occassional rages, her temper, her mum also told me, a mutual friend warned me that her previous relationships hadn't ended well, she even told me about someone she broke up with over something very trivial (to a non).

Looking back she even warned me about her abandonment issues, it is so glaringly obvious to me now but at the time i was infatuated and overlooked all of it.

These were warnings 'straight from the horses mouth' so to speak, still i didn't react to them.

Someone posted here before that it's quite normal that a pwBPD will often drop hints without disclosing the depth of their illness.

[zoso80]

CaptainM nailed it. No, no and no.

It's your job to focus on you and applying the lessons and growing from a relationship which wasn't successful.

Let's take this from another angle for a moment, *if* you did - can you see you'd be inviting a whole set of potential consequences? Do you want it to rain drama upon you or worse?

Your ex is out of your life, isn't it best to keep it that way?

Just sayin'

[guitarjames]

Two major points, shes not your responsibility and be glad you dodged a bullet and walk away. Anything you do post break up that involves her just keeps you in the  game. Now youve become the jealous stalker jilted ex boyfriend. Smear campain can be quite excessive. Lots of nons get false charges, restraining orders, ect by the BPD by staying in their game. Shes on to the next. By the second date he was hooked. You cant change anything. Why would you want to? Its because you still care. Be careful, her knowing that keeps the door open for recycle, and she will because she already has. She knows your weaknesses.

[climbingOut]

Exactly - what's the purpose? It's noble and all to try to save someone from the pain we went through, but is that maybe just more of OUR rescuer tendencies bubbling up?

Personally, an ex warning me would've been overlooked in the idealization phase - hell, I overlooked a LOT of red flags that I shouldn't have.

One night on facebook, a friend of mine from high school chatted me. Keep in mind, we had barely any interaction on fb before this. She's a professional psychologist. Anyway, she says ":)ude, I've got things to tell you that you're not ready to hear." JUST from stuff on facebook (the intense idealization, the jealousy and insecurity) - she said "your girl... .she's a whole bag 'o nuts"... .I asked her why she thought that, and she explained. I asked her "if you HAD to take a guess, what would you say?" her guess, and keep in mind, this was less than a month in, was Histrionic PD... .I even blew THIS warning aside... .it's her stressful homelife (she was living at her [supposedly] "abusive" father's when we met)

These relationships really ARE like a drug - do you think someone in their first few experiences w/ heroin, while enjoying the HUGE high, would listen to ANYONE about how this is going to ruin their lives? Not likely - same with us.

[SWLSR]

I think everyone has made good suggestions but I like gaslights best.  Get out of the triangle that is the best thing you can do for any of them.

[nowwhatz]

I think everyone has made good suggestions but I like gaslights best.  Get out of the triangle that is the best thing you can do for any of them.

Yes I agree. Hopefully after last night I am out of the triangle.

No doubt she will try to call again. I blocked the other number.

[nardila]

It sounds like something i would fantizise about doing out of jealousy, anger and frustration.  i became a jealous person with my BPD. 

[nowwhatz]

It sounds like something i would fantizise about doing out of jealousy, anger and frustration.  i became a jealous person with my BPD. 

well yes it is not something I could have ever conceived of doing.  the new bf is still texting me to text blocker. oh well. all go to a box and I am not looking at them. weird.

[nardila]

I wasn't jealous but i became jealous with her too.  I hope i wont bring this into my next relationship.

[freshlySane]

This might sound cold but it really is this persons problem now. No matter the motive its not our business to notify any new partners. Mine left me for a kid in the Marines she smeared the crap out of me to him and anyone that will listen. This guy has even made a threat on my life... .  Would i feel happy telling him ? Yes Would i feel justified? Yes is there a revenge tactic involved ? Heck Yes but i wont poor guy doesn't know what he is in for and if he is just using her then she deserves it ? She made the choice to leave to find a new man and move on. No one saved me and honestly if someone tried to id curse them out and run tell her like a school child being bullied in the playground. Not my place

Life gives us lessons this is his time to learn his i guess and hopefully she can learn one as well.

but this is my opinion my motives if i did its not the majoritys

[nowwhatz]

Fast forward to December when the exgf came back to me (again) she said my 'notification' was the reason new partner immediately dumped her.

Unfortunately I forgot to notify myself in December .

As of today I have been put "on notice" about my uBPDexgf's condition.

[trouble11]

I have no intention of telling the new gf now as I don't believe it would do any good.  I will continue to occasionally check his email (especially around his 4-6 month point) and when he dumps her I will send her the link to here.  If that makes me a "fixer", then so be it I guess. 

On the other hand ... .  maybe she is a stayer and the info on those boards might keep her from getting dumped in the first place.  Tough call.