Contact from her today. I am trembling.

[MaybeSo]

Were you crazy to be engaging with someone so intensly in such a short period of time while pining still for a lost love? Or just understanably lonely and filling time, looking for a sexy, ego gratifying distraction from self? Wasn't the model doing the exact same thing?

Isn't that what it's all about, including our obsession with our ex's? 

Distraction from pain? Distraction from self? Is it crazy when others use people for distraction from self ... .but understandable only for ourselves?

We are all just human beings. You, your ex, the model. We all have many sides, some good, some bad, some in between. Some sides are more known, some sides are more hidden, even from ourselves.

[struggli]

Were you crazy to be engaging with someone so intensly in such a short period of time while pining still for a lost love? Or just understanably lonely and filling time, looking for a sexy, ego gratifying distraction from self? Wasn't the model doing the exact same thing?

Isn't that what it's all about, including our obsession with our ex's? 

Distraction from pain? Distraction from self? Is it crazy when others use people for distraction from self ... .but understandable only for ourselves?

We are all just human beings. You, your ex, the model. We all have many sides, some good, some bad, some in between. Some sides are more known, some sides are more hidden, even from ourselves.

It's all understandable.  I could just see that it would lead toward disappointment for me and that it was a distraction from working on myself. 

Plus, the ego gratifying part stopped as soon as, well, she started reminding me of the ex.  I speculated on the future and saw the same pattern lay out ahead.

[toliveistofly]

Struggli: I save most of my text messages from my uBPDex so that if anything bad ever happens I will have proof of what was said and when. Reading your texts was like reading my own. I have probably had that identical text conversation with my ex at least 30 times. I would say this: she is wrong. It is not that the two of you don't work together; it is that SHE doesn't work with anyone. And she never will. So don't buy her bs. Let her tell that story to her family and friends to protect herself, but everyone on this board knows why these r/s don't work.

[struggli]

Struggli: I save most of my text messages from my uBPDex so that if anything bad ever happens I will have proof of what was said and when. Reading your texts was like reading my own. I have probably had that identical text conversation with my ex at least 30 times. I would say this: she is wrong. It is not that the two of you don't work together; it is that SHE doesn't work with anyone. And she never will. So don't buy her bs. Let her tell that story to her family and friends to protect herself, but everyone on this board knows why these r/s don't work.

Yes, she will tell her family/friends whatever.  When I kicked her out of our house back in Dec, she said all sorts of bad things.  When we recycled a month later, her brother was very angry (about something several months prior) that I "would not allow upBPDex to go see her brother in the hospital when he broke a bone."  The real story was this:  We lived about 30+ minutes away, icy roads (if I recall correctly), we got his voicemail at about 4 am, and she said "Oh, he does this all the time.  It's so stupid. Whatever."  She must've later made it sound to him like I held her prisoner and absolutely refused to let her go.  If she had said "Struggli, WE NEED TO GO SEE MY BROTHER,"  I would have gone.  But it wasn't like that at all as I recall.

I'm sure she tells people I was physically abusive, the worst imaginable jerk.  Yes, I lost my cool on her once.  I'd say, overall, my biggest problem is I wasn't firm *enough.*  She'd also tell people I was the best boyfriend ever and she was glad she finally found a good guy.  

Anyway, yes, her seeming maturity, "healthy" disengaging, etc, have been like this each time.  She seems cool, level-headed and rational and just says it's not working.  But each time she has come back weeks or months later head over heels (idealizing?).  

When we breakup, I sometimes imagine that scene from Fight Club where Robert Paulson stands on the porch, waiting for his acceptance into Project Mayhem.  They hit him, say he's fat and old.  But, he's supposed to stay there and take the abuse to show his dedication, that nothing will stop him.  Then, of course, after he endures it, they let him join.  It feels like the ex is the same way.  "I'll push, push, push and if he's still there, he's the one."  The problem is I don't think that pushing will ever stop if I keep going back.  

So, in some ways, it isn't closure, because she's done this each time.  Every time.  She's all calm and says "It just didn't work out.  We aren't good together.  Move on."

Even when I mentioned that pattern to her this time, she said it's not going to happen again.  I still don't really believe that.  But I can't keep holding onto that "dream."  Even if she does come back, it will just all be the same again.  It will never be for good, nor for better.

I keep records too.  One thing that comes to mind is a picture where she clawed my wrist and there's a scab where each fingernail dug in.

[careman]

It has nothing to do with the relationship whatsoever.  It is about some social issue, or health news or something like that.  Something that we share an interest in.

Funny ( or rather ... .sad... .)

I recognize this. She mailed me about a gardening interest of mine, and then later about a relationship book/site. None coming anywhere near the devastation she cast upon the r/s the weekend before, nor my feelings/situation. (Ending the r/s in the spur of the moment, and throwing herself into the arms of other men, and more... .)

Never answered. Went NC from there. It is now 7 months, and I definitely can relate to the 'feeling' you mention. I believe it is a kind of chock response triggered by her appearance on the phone screen, PC screen or whatever. The r/s was severely traumatizing.

/Careman

[struggli]

Today, I am having a hard day.  Not sure exactly why.  Maybe triggers in my environment, the change of weather, walking into my bedroom and looking at the bed for the first time in a long while.  

I remember how she was so sweet sometimes, how we'd sit in bed together and read, how we'd spoon on the couch and watch a movie, and I'm clinging onto "the words that were said."  

How could someone seemingly so sweet and affectionate just detach without looking back?  :)issociation?

I imagine that she has just gone on with life and having a grand time.  I'm sure one of her guy friends that was always trying to undermine the relationship has moved in, the guys with the smooth talk at the bars, I'm sure she's had more sex in the last two months than we did in our last two months together.

It's gone, it won't come back.  I know that.  But something so seemingly beautiful was kicked around and stomped on and thrown out.  I don't get it.

I'm doing OK most of the time.  I'm not thriving or excited about life or anything, but I'm getting by.  I "look better" supposedly and seem happier according to other people.  

The excitement, the comfort, the touch, the sharing, the feeling of having a partner -- not just any partner, but a very special one -- with whom to tackle the obstacles of life together ... .all gone.

[BleedsOrange]

That feeling in your stomach is fear. I always have the same one after a split... .The call always comes just as I i feel better. The feeling in the stomach, the shaking and the anxiety are a fight or flight response to a subconscious collection of experiences that you relate to her.

There is a study with rats about intermittent reinforcement that explains, to me why we keep letting them back in. In short, I think this is where our fear comes around- we never know if we're going to get a treat, or are going to be tortured.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! YOU ARE IN DANGER! YOU CAN"T WIN THE FIGHT, SO RUN!... .I would suggest "kermit style," with arms straight up in the air and screaming.

[BleedsOrange]

im no professional. just how i feel about it.

[struggli]

Well, I guess it was that way during the relationship too.  I never knew from one moment to the next if I was going to get love and respect or indifference and aversion.

[flatspin]

Yes, my situation was different somehow because it was a long distance relationship but every night, I'd ask myself in what state I'd find her when she gets online... .

It was like the Russian roulette but with 5 rounds inside instead of 1 only... .

[upsidedown]

The bottom line is that you didn't like how you felt in the r/s, you weren't happy with how you acted in the r/s and you weren't proud of who you were in the r/s. I felt all those feelings about myself and went through exactly what you are going through now, but let me tell you, six months out, I'm proud of who I am again and that's worth EVERYTHING to me. He was nothing, barely a blip and certainly not worthy of a second or third or sixth recycle.

[struggli]

Yes, my situation was different somehow because it was a long distance relationship but every night, I'd ask myself in what state I'd find her when she gets online... .

It was like the Russian roulette but with 5 rounds inside instead of 1 only... .

It felt more like 2 or 3 rounds in there for my experience.  I guess I wanted zero.

[struggli]

The bottom line is that you didn't like how you felt in the r/s, you weren't happy with how you acted in the r/s and you weren't proud of who you were in the r/s. I felt all those feelings about myself and went through exactly what you are going through now, but let me tell you, six months out, I'm proud of who I am again and that's worth EVERYTHING to me. He was nothing, barely a blip and certainly not worthy of a second or third or sixth recycle.

I hope I get to that point.  It's probably the same old thing over and over on this board, but the good was so much better than anything I've ever experienced with a partner.  But, of course, there was the bad too.  And the bad I experienced wasn't as bad as what some people on here have experienced, but it was the first time I ever asked myself in a relationship "How are you able to put up with all this?"  What I came to realize is no one had ever pushed my boundaries like the ex did.  So, I wasn't really prepared.  I never had a girlfriend before that made me feel like I wasn't her only guy, or that she didn't respect my feelings, etc.  In a twisted kind of way, I have to thank her for challenging me to learn about myself.

Had I held my ground would things have worked?  I don't know.  I suppose I have to stop considering that possibility because the relationship is no more.

I'd say the relationship was great more than half the time, but I'd rather have a consistent 90% good vs an averaged out 60%. 

I just don't see how it wasn't worth it to her to want to change herself and stop sabotaging.  She's just not ready I guess.

[BroiledBunny]

Yeah. It sux. In the end, for me, I felt like I'd been duped.

The whole thing a fraud. Which of course doesn't help.

Chin up. Time alone beats being with a psycho any day.

I keep telling myself that, and I know it to be true. I'm here alone, and gawd dammit, no one is yelling at me, complaining, or keeping me awake.

Except me. I alone torture myself now. Ha!

I was down to my very last chance for escape. Going back AGAIN would have been certain death, like a heroin addict overdosing.

But yet, in the back of my mind, I see her face, and the glow of 'love' she seemed to have for me.

Hang in there. You know when someone is abusing you, it ain't love.

I thank god everyday that I got away without worse consequences.

It was bad enough as it was but it could have been so much worse.

The excitement, the comfort, the touch, the sharing, the feeling of having a partner -- not just any partner, but a very special one -- with whom to tackle the obstacles of life together ... .all gone.

[struggli]

Yeah. It sux. In the end, for me, I felt like I'd been duped.

The whole thing a fraud. Which of course doesn't help.

Chin up. Time alone beats being with a psycho any day.

I keep telling myself that, and I know it to be true. I'm here alone, and gawd dammit, no one is yelling at me, complaining, or keeping me awake.

Except me. I alone torture myself now. Ha!

I was down to my very last chance for escape. Going back AGAIN would have been certain death, like a heroin addict overdosing.

But yet, in the back of my mind, I see her face, and the glow of 'love' she seemed to have for me.

Hang in there. You know when someone is abusing you, it ain't love.

I thank god everyday that I got away without worse consequences.

It was bad enough as it was but it could have been so much worse.

The excitement, the comfort, the touch, the sharing, the feeling of having a partner -- not just any partner, but a very special one -- with whom to tackle the obstacles of life together ... .all gone.

I suppose we all had different experiences with the variety of BPD-like behaviors out there.

Mine was a very passive one, I guess you could say.  I'd almost rather she had been more physically abusive, outwardly raging.  Instead it was all a crushing of my feelings, disregard for me as a partner, empty promises, disrespectful behavior, and so on.  I think that's part of what makes it difficult -- the gray area of intangible actions.  I mean, I could have re-framed "She's disrespecting you by hanging all over that guy" to "She's just friendly in a touchy kind of way and doesn't mean any disrespect so don't take it that way."  Or "She's planning on going back to her ex because she's texting him all the time.  Confront her right now." could have become "They're just friends, they have a long past together, she's with you.  Be confident."  These are the things that keep me confused.  Did I just have the wrong frame of mind?

It was more of a mind trip that scrambled everything in my brain.  I guess that's where having strong boundaries would have kept my head clear.  I never had someone test the boundaries like this before, so I was unprepared.

The pain in the relationship of "Where is she?  Who is she with?  Will she show up tonight?  Has she cheated on me?  Has she gone back to her ex?  Will she get upset if I ask her about anything serious?" has now been replaced with ":)id I put up with too much?  Was I too intolerant?  Will she come back once and for all?  Will I find a partner who makes me happy?  Will life in general go the way I want it to go?".

So, yeah, I just traded pain too.  But maybe it's better this way.  Maybe it's better to be lonely and introspective instead of how it was in the relationship -- neurotically looking at my phone every time it went off or running to the door every time I heard a car, hoping she had ended her "needing space" and we could be intimate again.  Now, I have no more worrying that she is cheating on me or pursuing someone else, etc., although the thought of her being with someone else sends a pain through my stomach.

Yeah, it does feel like it was all a fraud sometimes.  The second time she left me, I remember just thinking "Long con."  It was like she was a grifter who just took advantage of my trust, goodwill, generosity.  I was more "present" in this relationship than any other because I really thought this girl was "the one."  I put her on a pedestal, she put me in the waste basket.  My bad, I guess.

I am still in the FOG, I guess, though not all waking hours as I was a month ago.

[upsidedown]

When I was where you are now (thinking of breaking NC to ask him why he continued to lie about me to everyone that knew about us) a member posted something that seemed harsh to me at the time. You need to hear those things sometimes. Often they are effective when nothing else is. Listen to me please: I know exactly what you mean when you talk about second-guessing your actions within the r/s. I did the same thing. I have an unhealthy need to please people, so when I thought mine had PTSD and eventually would come to trust me enough to open up so I could help him, I tried EVERYTHING Struggli; EVERYTHING. I was obsequious, loyal, timid, soothing, gentle, understanding and calm. Then I tried mirroring his behavior back to him, denying that I was all the horrible things he accused me of being. The first method didn't work because it was tearing me down. I started to believe that I was all those things he was projecting onto me. The second method didn't work because it triggered him more. He would have eventually hurt me or his ex-wife or himself and I didn't want to be partially responsible for that. They can't see themselves as they truly are, they can't ever be wrong. Accepting those things is like dying (or dying is preferable). So... .you have two choices for a life with her. Either you slowly wither and die inside as she tears little bits from you over time or you make her own her sht and she dies. Which is it Struggli? By far the hardest thing is to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and slowly begin to repair the damage, but I did it and it was so worth it. Love yourself enough to do that or hate yourself (and her) enough to go back in for another round.

By the way, I work with mine and he is violent, so if you don't think leaving the r/s for good and going NC on a personal level was tough, think again.

[wdone]

I couldn't help myself.  I felt like I was denying something in me that I kept pushing down.  So I contacted her.

I hadn't heard from her for quite a while and then she sent me some generic texts (I think I mentioned in above posts).  She had done this before the last time we got back together, so with my conditioning, I figured she was coming back again.

Anyway, learn from it, comment on it, whatever.  Maybe it will help someone, maybe it will help me.

Here it is:

Me:  What was your intention sending me those things?

Her:  I sent them to a bunch of people but I thought you might enjoy it.

Me:  Are you happy with our relationship being over?

Her:  Struggli... .

Me:  I am asking for an honest answer.  It may hurt but I need to know.

(a few minutes go by)

Me:  Yes or no?

Me: Never mind

Her: Pardon the delay. I was driving.

Her:  I'm not happy about how it ended but I'm doing better overall.

Me:  I'm not happy how it ended either.  I would've like to have talked about it in person.  I felt ditched over and over.  I couldn't take it anymore.

Her:  I know.  Now we need to move on.

Me:  Yeah, I guess so.  I speculated that you already were before we broke up and that's why you stopped talking to me.

Me:  I don't understand why.  I suppose I will have to find my own meaning for it all.

Her: No, I wasn't with anyone else at the time.  And I think you know why.  We were beyond mad at each other most of the time and you were getting violent.  Sometimes things just don't work out.

Me:  I made mistakes, but did you?  You know you flipped out and threw things and hit me and I was willing to forgive.  I'm not perfect, but I certainly had the willingness try to sort things out.

I don't like the give up approach.  I still think we had a foundation for something quite special.

I feel a great sense of loss I've been trying to convince myself it's right this way, but I still don't believe it.

Her:  I got violent too.  And we did have something but it's too late, Struggli.  I want you to find someone good.  Ok?

Me:  Too late?  You are someone good, aren't you?

Her:  Break ups are hard.  Especially intense ones like ours.  But you'll be ok.  And yes, I am someone good.  But we aren't good together.

Me:  I'm not out to change your mind but haven't you said those same things before and then realized you love me?  It seems like a back and forth of huge distancing and closeness.

Her:  It's not going to happen again. :/

Me: It just seems like fear has won.

Me: Yeah, well take care.




I'm a little stirred, but doing OK.  Maybe I'm still processing it... .

this is very similar to texts/messages i receive from my bf. 

and then he loves me again, is talking about the future, didn't know what he was thinking.

[aglaophone]

the good was so much better than anything I've ever experienced with a partner

Before I respond to this, I have to say that I have said this myself. So here is a rebuke to us both. It was not good, it certainly wasn't better than a healthy relationship. That is very much like a drug addict saying how much better life is when they are high on whatever. The attention the BPDer gives is an addiction, and it's unhealthy. Healthy people don't spend every waking moment focused on one another. Sometimes they go to their own hobby. Sometimes they spend a weekend away from each other. Sometimes they have different interests, and are completely OK with their partner having a different interest.

The "good" that isn't really good, is the feeling of absolute attention from someone. It's really intense. It promotes our ego. It fills whatever niche we didn't have filled at some point in our lives (parents for me). That someone is usually pretty shallow, as a whole, and they can't keep it up. And because we're so addicted, it's particularly devastating when they take it away, and give us exactly the opposite.

FWIW, I just escaped after boomeranging, and I'm peeling these layers back too. I have found something particularly helpful is writing down a list of my life priorities. What do I want to do, and who do I want to be. I am developing my career, I'm trying to be a part of my community. I wrote a list of things I enjoy. You may be surprised to learn that you don't have many hobbies, because having hobbies took away from the constant attention and management your BPD needed. Write those down, start to take steps toward those. Then, later, consider someone who is capable of going on your life journey next to you, instead of being the focus of your life journey.

[ExTreme]

Struggli- you were tormented by such questions in your mind as-

"The pain in the relationship of "Where is she?  Who is she with?  Will she show up tonight?  Has she cheated on me?  Has she gone back to her ex?  Will she get upset if I ask her about anything serious?" has now been replaced with ":)id I put up with too much?  Was I too intolerant?  Will she come back once and for all?  Will I find a partner who makes me happy?  Will life in general go the way I want it to go?".

Did you give pwBPD or yourself the opportunity to answer these?

[struggli]

I missed some of these replies way back when... .  

To answer the most recent.  I haven't really found any answers yet.  Or maybe I have and I don't realize it.  I still miss her 6 months after breakup.  I still think we could've been great together.  I'm still going to therapy.  I got a new therapist who my old therapist recommended saying this person might be better at helping me.

I'm not a wreck.  I'm functional.  I go through the days with normalcy and most people would not know I still think about her all the time.

I haven't dated anyone else, nor do I want to.

I've been struggling with whether or not I'm worthy of someone I want.

When I get horny, I think about her, as much as I try to replace her face with someone else's.  I still try to imagine her thoughts and what she's feeling and if she misses me at all.

I also imagine her being a complete slut which hurts too.

I really don't know.

Sometimes I think I should've put up with her flirting.  Like I've said before, I could deal with tantrums and lack of sex drive (even as sexual as I am), but her seeming to lead on other guys with communication, touching, etc, started to destroy me.

I understood that she was very pretty and guys were always after her, but I felt like she perpetuated that.  If it had only been them pursuing her, and her ignoring them, I think I would've been mildly annoyed/territorial, but not hurt at all.

I am just being on my own.  I really don't want a relationship right now, for various reasons.  I don't think anyone will be good enough (typical post BU feeling) and I still have left a door open for her to come back.  I think this is the longest we've ever been in NC or not seen each other since we've met.

I'm trying to love myself a little more, but it's taking time.  I think once I feel "whole" with me I will be more open to others.  For now, I am somewhat of a hermit.  A part of me feels guilty, like I'm not forcing myself to step out of my comfort zone and get on with life -- another part feels just fine with it because I'm not ready.

I also still have a "sighting" of the ex about once a week which keeps me somewhat away from mingling in places I might see her.  Last time, about a week ago, she walked in the crosswalk in front of me and I was still just as attracted to her.  We locked eyes for a brief moment and I drove off quickly.

I still see her "ghost" in my home and in my imagination but I try to replace it with someone else, a made up person, when that happens.

I've probably grown, learned, etc, but sometimes it's hard to see progress.

[ExTreme]

My outsider p.o.v. sees progress, evident in your post!

[struggli]

Well, thanks.  I don't "feel" progress, but maybe it is happening.

I think sometimes I miss the sex and her looks more than anything.  There were many warm intimate moments with her that didn't have anything to do with sex -- the moments that actually made me feel loved and special.  But the physical attraction is probably the hardest thing to kick.  She was a rare beauty and the sex was just what I wanted -- except for when it was nonexistent or resulted in some sort of emotional breakdown for her.  Yeah... .  I guess that doesn't sound very good.

And maybe part of it is shattered ego.  Everyone wanted her and I had her.  So, now that I don't, everyone else gets their chance.  I guess that's the little boy in me, not wanting anyone else to have my "toy."

[ExTreme]

So many, even after realizing the relationship is doomed, even after starting to make arrangements to leave, to give NC status continue to engage in sex, intimate or otherwise, with their pwBPD- even while understanding and accepting that it's a mental illness. Is this not exploitation, sexual abuse by definition?

[struggli]

The last few times we had sex *I* felt exploited.  I had finally caught on that she had started using sex to shut me up.  I don't think she started doing this til the last month or so we were together. When I wanted to talk about something serious, or if I had cornered her on her bad behavior, she'd start stripping.  I'd tell her to get away repeatedly until she was seducing me to the point where I'd do it just because I'd been deprived.

I couldn't have sex with her without a commitment.  I'd immediately become emotionally invested again -- with someone who quite possibly wouldn't be on the same page with me.

[afterdeath]

I missed some of these replies way back when... .  

To answer the most recent.  I haven't really found any answers yet.  Or maybe I have and I don't realize it.  I still miss her 6 months after breakup.  I still think we could've been great together.  I'm still going to therapy.  I got a new therapist who my old therapist recommended saying this person might be better at helping me.

I'm not a wreck.  I'm functional.  I go through the days with normalcy and most people would not know I still think about her all the time.

I haven't dated anyone else, nor do I want to.

I've been struggling with whether or not I'm worthy of someone I want.

When I get horny, I think about her, as much as I try to replace her face with someone else's.  I still try to imagine her thoughts and what she's feeling and if she misses me at all.

I also imagine her being a complete slut which hurts too.

I really don't know.

Sometimes I think I should've put up with her flirting.  Like I've said before, I could deal with tantrums and lack of sex drive (even as sexual as I am), but her seeming to lead on other guys with communication, touching, etc, started to destroy me.

I understood that she was very pretty and guys were always after her, but I felt like she perpetuated that.  If it had only been them pursuing her, and her ignoring them, I think I would've been mildly annoyed/territorial, but not hurt at all.

I am just being on my own.  I really don't want a relationship right now, for various reasons.  I don't think anyone will be good enough (typical post BU feeling) and I still have left a door open for her to come back.  I think this is the longest we've ever been in NC or not seen each other since we've met.

I'm trying to love myself a little more, but it's taking time.  I think once I feel "whole" with me I will be more open to others.  For now, I am somewhat of a hermit.  A part of me feels guilty, like I'm not forcing myself to step out of my comfort zone and get on with life -- another part feels just fine with it because I'm not ready.

I also still have a "sighting" of the ex about once a week which keeps me somewhat away from mingling in places I might see her.  Last time, about a week ago, she walked in the crosswalk in front of me and I was still just as attracted to her.  We locked eyes for a brief moment and I drove off quickly.

I still see her "ghost" in my home and in my imagination but I try to replace it with someone else, a made up person, when that happens.

I've probably grown, learned, etc, but sometimes it's hard to see progress.

We dated the same girl... .  I used to watch her touch/flirt with her male officemates RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! She would not even acknowledge i was there: "Oh stop it we work together"... .  guess who i got replaced by... someone SHE WORKED WITH!... .  ...

I read some of the earlier posts... the car and seeing her in the mind and thinking of her sexually and just everything you are going through i'm going/been through... .  

The only reason i'm recovering fast is because she painted me black and became a ghost... i do not have to see her, where i'm at now i KNOW i will not see her... .  If i saw her it'd trigger it all over again, my heart would jump out of my chest, and even when i feel of stepping behind enemy lines (the city where she lives) and i feel a chance i could see her, and if i did, especially with the replacement, i'd probably not be the better man and end up in jail for Assault on him...

Anyway... .  I have found out I am attracted to other girls ... .  although it's just starting at a physical level right now, I will develop and heal to the point where "hey... .  i kind of like her!"... and will be ready to take the leap of faith again... .  

She was the one to set the bar for the good times, but i'm betting someone can top that, how about we let the good times roll ALL the time instead of once a month. or... .  1 week out of the month is a good week with her.

The best thing we can do with our life... even if we secretly want them to come back... or make them jealous... .  or just move on... is... .  just live your life well... .  because when they see how good you've been without them... they are gonna flip their ___ and know then what they have lost.

You are not alone my friend

[struggli]

Thanks afterdeath.

I haven't found anyone I've been as attracted to physically yet.  Part of that is probably because my attraction to her is still muddied with emotions.  Maybe if she was just a stranger in a lineup of pretty women, I wouldn't notice.  Not sure.

Unfortunately, my drive home from work requires me drive within a couple blocks of where she works.  When we were together, she would never have been walking on the street that I have to drive on to get home.  Either she's found some sort of free parking spot somewhere, or she's moved somewhere else, or she's going to see a possible replacement.  I don't know but once a week, she's just happening to cross the crosswalk when I get to the red light, whether it's 3 pm or 11pm.   Weird coincidence perhaps.  I mean it's like we run into each other in a one minute time frame of probability when it happens.

While I have the loneliness, no more intimacy, etc.  I do feel better not having to worry about who she's with, what she's doing, whether or not she's still my girlfriend.  Though it sucks to think of her with someone else, it's slightly less painful than thinking of it while she was supposedly my girlfriend.

I remember at some point in the relationship I was so frustrated with her that I was literally about to shoot myself in the head, at least I imagined doing it.  I am not a suicide threat or any of that, so no one panic, but one night I had just reached a point of such frustration that I just wanted out.  Mind games had me so twisted I was trapped within them.

It was indeed part-time goodness at the end.  I never knew what would be next.  Jumping through hoops to try to make the relationship work...

[struggli]

The sympathetic part of me sometimes thinks she just REALLY didn't understand her flirty behavior.  That she didn't mean anything by it.  But perhaps UNDERSTANDING it, didn't make it feel any better.

After all, we may understand why a child who abused and tormented grows up to be a serial killer adult, but it doesn't mean we must tolerate it because that just "how he is."

[Phoenix.Rising]

Struggli,  I just wanted to say hello.     I've been posting on the Staying Board, but I'm having doubts about trying to continue a friendship with my ex.  We've been back in contact several months.  We usually talk and/or text a couple of times a week, and I've only seen her twice since August.  She is dating other men, and from what I can tell, she's been out with several.  I'm not sure what I want with remaining in contact with her. 

Sometimes I want to start an intimate relationship again, but she doesn't seem to be in a place to offer that.  She is still drinking a lot from what I can tell.  It's very difficult to remain friends when I still have deeper feelings for her.  And her mood continues to change on a dime, so to speak.  Very unpredictable.  These are extremely tough relationships if we choose to stay in them.

I support you on your journey, and I hear recovery and strength in your posts.  Take it easy.

[struggli]

Struggli,  I just wanted to say hello.     I've been posting on the Staying Board, but I'm having doubts about trying to continue a friendship with my ex.  We've been back in contact several months.  We usually talk and/or text a couple of times a week, and I've only seen her twice since August.  She is dating other men, and from what I can tell, she's been out with several.  I'm not sure what I want with remaining in contact with her. 

Sometimes I want to start an intimate relationship again, but she doesn't seem to be in a place to offer that.  She is still drinking a lot from what I can tell.  It's very difficult to remain friends when I still have deeper feelings for her.  And her mood continues to change on a dime, so to speak.  Very unpredictable.  These are extremely tough relationships if we choose to stay in them.

I support you on your journey, and I hear recovery and strength in your posts.  Take it easy.

Phoenix,

It's good to hear from you.  I hope you are doing OK with maintaining contact.  I could not do it because I don't think I could ever be her friend -- I always wanted more from the moment I met her.  I have no idea what she's doing.  I can only speculate.  Sometimes I imagine she's f--king a different guy every night and perpetually drunk.  Other times I think she's actually trying to figure out what's going on with her, that she loves me and is frustrated that she didn't know how to make it work.  I really don't know... .  

The thought of her being with another guy, though it's undoubtedly happened by now, messes me up.  I couldn't be in contact with her while she was with someone else while I still have romantic feelings for her.

I think I've gone from being neurotic and distraught about it to just a sort of numbness for life in general.  The "magic" of life is gone for now, but so also is despair.

Most of my time is spent in solitude lately. 

I can still make people laugh and laugh with them.  Certain things still trigger me for sure, but the reaction now isn't so harsh.  It's like, metaphorically speaking, when I have thoughts of her now she's a quarter mile away vs sitting in my lap.  Though I still think of her quite a bit, the intensity of the feelings to those thoughts has dropped.

I appreciate your support and you have mine as well.

I still search for answers, try to learn and so on.  I've realized that life isn't over -- just my love life.  haha.

I was telling my story to a guy that I jam with sometimes.  I never mentioned the term "borderline" but he suggested it on his own.  And I hadn't even told him that much of the story. 

One thing I've learned is that I will never be with an attention-seeking type woman again, no matter how hot I think she is.

[OTH]

Where are we at?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0