Does anyone else's BPD partner keep leaving them?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi washisheart... .i completely understand how u feel... .i want all those things with mine and I get them but only for about 3mo at a time.now its like that for our11modd too... .he wants her then he doesn't... .i need to get away and I feel better when iam.He stayed at his ex for Christmas so I left and did my own thing and he text me when he stopped home for a shower asking where our daughter was ,i didn't respond,i couldn't let him ruin our Christmas even more.i stayed the night at my BIL and I'll goo home and get ready and were gonna stay at my friends tonight and have Christmas with them (i pray he's not home when I get there)I just need a few days away.I can't bring myself to look at him and nothing nice will come out of my mouth, knowing where he's been... i hate that I have to pretend idk what's going onand that he doesn't care how I feel... .it rips me apart

    His parents finally have been reading up on things and they understand now so I have their support... .but still ouch again... .this is like the 6 our 7th time in almost 4 years that he's left or kicked me out... i should be used to it by now,what the heck what an awful thing to have to get used to!

[mccarthyhome3]

Hi washisheart... .i completely understand how u feel... .i want all those things with mine and I get them but only for about 3mo at a time.now its like that for our11modd too... .he wants her then he doesn't... .i need to get away and I feel better when iam.He stayed at his ex for Christmas so I left and did my own thing and he text me when he stopped home for a shower asking where our daughter was ,i didn't respond,i couldn't let him ruin our Christmas even more.i stayed the night at my BIL and I'll goo home and get ready and were gonna stay at my friends tonight and have Christmas with them (i pray he's not home when I get there)I just need a few days away.I can't bring myself to look at him and nothing nice will come out of my mouth, knowing where he's been... i hate that I have to pretend idk what's going onand that he doesn't care how I feel... .it rips me apart

    His parents finally have been reading up on things and they understand now so I have their support... .but still ouch again... .this is like the 6 our 7th time in almost 4 years that he's left or kicked me out... i should be used to it by now,what the heck what an awful thing to have to get used to!

[Take2]

I know I deserve better than this. And I WANT better than this, I just want it with him.



EXACTLY how I feel... . 

[4now]

Hi there,

I can really hear the pain in your words and I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.  It sucks, big time!  I my uBPDh has left for the night, three nights the most, more times than I can count.  The first time was incredibly painful as it came out of the blue and our 18 month old son had just spent three days in the hospital.  The three night one was probably the worst though, but I had resolved that he left and that was that.  I spent those three days in a fog just trying to take care of our three kids.  So in response to your question, this is what they do and they do it really, really well.

Healing, or at least the pain decreased when I learned it was not me, I wasn't the whole problem, I wasn't worthless like he wanted me to believe.  It was him, and his BPD that was the problem. 

I don't know where you are emotionally right now, but you do have the choice to move on from this pain and madness.  I always feel the worst when I feel I have no choice because he has left me with none.  But when I remember that I do have a choice it helps me immensely.  I haven't left my husband yet, or decided to finally call it quits, but it makes me smile just knowing that I can and will be okay, probably better off, when I do. 

I don't know if that helps you or not, but just remember you are not alone.  There are all kinds of people dealing with just this same thing.  And you are good enough, he just is too messed up to see it!

[Washisheart]

He sees it, just when he wants to... .

I can't even tell you guys how many days of work.i missed this year since June due to severe depression. It's a mess, I just get to the point where I don't want to be bothered with life. I think a lot of it has to do with losing my Dad in February & while my father was ill & on life support he was the ONLY one there for me. My family ousted me & my friends never called to check on me or atleast hang out to keep me busy. I mean he was amazing. Then soon after my father passed, he must have figured I don't need him anymore because there goes the attitude change & now he doesn't care. So I lost the two most important men in my life within a few months of each other.

At this point, I am leaning more torwards calling it quits, I just don't think I can do this anymore.

[spaceace]

Yes, short and simple... .  My wife has left me for the 3rd time. It is heartbreaking. My brother told me after the second split, she had baggage and issues and no amount of sacrifice would make a difference. I stopped talking with him for over a year when he said this. I am saddened that I did this since she left me a third time in November. I called my brother yesterday and told him about this. I apologized for being radio silent and told him I wished I would have listened to him last year. Maybe my heart ache wouldn't be as bad. I had a lot of tools when she left the second time, and I reached out to a lot of people. I was pretty healthy and I was getting back to a normal life, for a while, maybe a month, she was not a part of my life, but then we came back together, her conditions were we going to spend a year apart! I never believed that. I always thought we would get back sooner. Staying apart a year had no meaning to me. I didn't know what was going to happen while we were supposed to be apart. There was never a plan.

Now, she is completely NC with me going on 2 months. I have had enough of this pain and fear rushing through my body on a minute by minute basis and I cannot keep holding on. My story is very convoluted and if I told you the whole thing, you'd want to blow your brains out. And I know, you would tell me to run and make sure I LET the barn door hit her in the @ss as on the way out!

Anyway, the short answer is yes. And that is why I know without a doubt my wife is has an upBPD Disorder and no amount of any further self sacrificing or work on my end will do a thing or help in any way. It's up to her at this point. Not me, and history says, her baggage at age 43 she walked around with before she met me will not be shed any time soon.

I wish you well.

[exgf]

I hate how my BPDgf would get so angry about nothing. She would pick fights for no apparent reason. And she would leave me all the time also. I really did feel I was walking on eggshells for years. Wondering what mood she would be in this day or what mood she would change into.

    :'( 

[Washisheart]

Ace, in a year you could be healed & already filed for divorce. She might be doing you a favor.

That's how I am trying to look at it. As him giving me time to move on

[Take2]

It's so strange how they can be there for you in SUCH a strong, supportive way and then turn it off completely in the blink of an eye... .  

Washisheart, my father passed away 2.5 weeks ago... .    for part of the last month of really bad illness for my dad, my BPDbf was incredibly supportive and loving, and then the last few days, he pulled away completely and acted like I was completely unreasonable for asking him to come sit with me at my dad's bedside when hospice said it was the end... .    I was abandoned as my BPDdbf went on a date... .    and I sat with my dad as he was dying... .  

I've never known I could feel such intense pain... .  and I'm no spring chicken... .  

I know this man, who seems to be back and supportive and loving again... .  will leave me over and over and over and over... .  until I stop it... .     

[Washisheart]

It was excruciating. I lost the two most important men in my life at same time. I still needed him & he had this crazy notion that once my dad passed the pain would go away & I should be ok

[Take2]

Me too... .    experienced the loss of the two most significant men in my life two weeks ago... .  still experiencing it... .    brutal beyond belief. 

[Validation78]

Hi All!

Was and Take2---I am so sorry for your loss.  I know how hard it is to accept loss, and to get on with each day when you are in pain. Please know that you are in my prayers while you grieve and find your way to peace and acceptance!

I lost my mentor recently, and although my pwBPD was supportive, it was only for a few days. He too, as some of you have shared, thought I would get over it in no time. It isn't even brought up anymore, as if it never happened. At first, I thought it odd, I really expected him to be able to support me, and now I know, he can't. I don't torture myself with asking why, I just accept it and look to my friends and family to support me when I need it. There are people out there who can validate our feelings and emotions, even when the one who should be able to can't. Without Radical Acceptance, I could never have swallowed this, because it is hard, it stinks and it is not fair. Yep, I still think all of that, however, I do not dwell on it, I use it as a tool to stay focused on my goals and a measuring stick for what I want for my future!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[spaceace]

Yes, thanks... I am actually going to file for divorce in May. May 8th will be a year since she texted me and said she wanted a separation for a year. I was on my way to an Al-Anon meeting. I went to Al-Anon on her insistance. I have no alcohol in my background, but I did it out of keeping harmony in my life. Little did it help. And from June till November, we were working on our relationship. We actually started searching for a house to buy together and move in to. We found one, did the paperwork, we were waiting on a reply, and 2 days after doing the paperwork, she kicked me out of her life. It was brutal. Made no sense. And now, nearly 2 months out, she has insisted I am udBPD and I need massive trauma therapy. It's all about projecting. But it hurts nonetheless.

So, May will not get here fast enough for me. I am hoping a divorce will end this craziness and help me heal. Being in this limbo of separation is killing me. There just isn't any closure.

[tuum est61]

Before I met mine I was in a healthy emotional & financial state. I have noone else to blame but myself for digging a deep hole, but I did it. I have NEVER given so much of myself to someone before & I can imagine I never will again. Granted, it was absolutely amazing living with my best friend who was also my"future husband" while he still valued me. But once they leave the first time, you never hold the same weight in their eyes. You will always be a temporary solution to an immediate problem. Accepting that is the worst. You want to believe they love you. But the sad truth is the people before you went through this & the people behind you will to. Everyone gets the same treatment and promises just tweaked a little to suit the current nessa

Washisheart,

I've skimmed your posts - I see a lot about what he is doing and seeking comparisons with other members situations but not much about what you are doing for you.  Yes, you may have dug a hole, but you do still rember what it was like to be above ground - and that's a good thing. 

It's hard being with a person with BPD and it's easy to stop looking after yourself.

Has anyone pointed you to some of the advice about changing that situation?  If they have, I can't tell by your posts that you've given it a try.  Let me know what you think about the following - it just seems to me that you need to focus less on him and more on you. 

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

[Washisheart]

I am working two jobs to try to get my finances order. Going to start back at the gym. I am working very hard to train my mind to maintain optimism & accept I don't need him I stopped giving in to his every whim & demand, I laid out my own wants & expectations. I am bound & determined to make 2013 my year, with or without him. I found me again, I remembered I love me! I am an awesome person, fun, funny, motivated. For a long time I stopped acting like myself for fear he would judge me, now I don't care. I haven't been biting my tongue or hiding my feelings. I am tired of not existing or being important. So far, he has adjusted well to my change in attitude. Hopefully it will remain that way, if not, well I wasn't put on this earth to please him. I told him I will be there with him through therapy, but not if it comes at the price of sacrificing myself. I am done with that.

[tuum est61]

Working the two jobs is apparently necessary because of the financial demands he placed on you - so thats not really the "taking care of yourself" I was thinking about - as necessary as it is.  

"Going to the gym" is, but only if you do it.  Given you have two jobs and a daughter that might be hard to do.  

I noted that your exbf is the "only father your daughter has known". As such, is she still seeing him?   How, how often, when, and where does that take place?

[angel123]

Wow I am so glad I found this sight a few days ago. My ex did this ALL THE TIME! It used to devastate me and put me in a place I could literally barely function at work or at home. When he moved some of his things in with me (didn't last long), he literally moved his stuff in and out three times in two weeks. I used to think it was drugs but now I realize this is his personality disorder. He has left me out at bars when we've gone out, shut me out, blocked me, etc. Basically the same thing you are all explaining.

[happiness68]

Wow reading some of these, I feel I could have written them myself.  My exbfBPD left me from 6 weeks into our 2 1/2 year relationship.  He did it every time things weren't going the way he wanted them to.  We split for a few weeks in July and I promised I'd change everything I was doing wrong (being a non I clearly didn't ask him to change anything, as there was nothing too drastic wrong in my eyes.  The changes he requested were pretty much petty, but I went along with it (after the begging, pleading, crying etc. just like all of you) - an example of a change was how I left a plug upside down on the bedroom floor of my apartment and this was one of the things that annoyed him.  Anyway, I tried.  3 months later he started again, this time definitely over a nothing and walked out.  As he left he told me I could be the perfect girlfriend if I'd just learn to listen (this was one of my faults that I hadn't heard before).  You're all right.  In the eyes of someone with BPD, there will ALWAYS be something else once you've corrected the other stuff.  There really wasn't very much wrong with us.  In fact, we were close on perfect. 

I can imagine how hurt you're feeling.  I still my hurt too.  It's so very painful.  It does get easier though.  Take it from someone who hit the lowest low I've ever hit over Christmas. 

As Iliana said, you're a good person and you really do know how to love unconditionally being a non.  Take that with you and let it help you become strong again.  Remember you before your BPD, that's what your aim should be.  You'll get there in the end.  This site will help you. It has me.  That amongst friends, family and learning to know that I'm loved.

Do you know my exbfBPD told someone when we split up that he'd never felt so unloved and worthless in his whole life.  Absolute rubbish.  I'd done everything for him.  He'd lived in my house practically for 2 years because I didn't want him sleeping on his brother's sofa, despite me liking my own space and feeling that I wasn't getting that, plus lots of other things I did actually do for him and NOT me.  Since our split my exbf of 9 years who I split from 4 years ago got in touch and we've been chatting.  He told me that he can promise me he knows that I'm someone who loves from the heart and it's not something everybody is blessed with.  He went on to say that he's never felt as loved as he did when he was with me and knows he never will.  Remember us nons give unconditional love and that really is a beautiful thing. 

The walking out hurts so much.  I don't think they can help it though.  It's a lack of courage I suppose at dealing with the situation at hand.

[blurry]

 Funny, me and my exuBPD gf never really fought for any extended period of time, it was just always me mentioning something i wasnt happy about (usually her hot/cold behavior, or some off the wall hurtful remark shed make after a period of apparent true happiness between us)and her acting like she just found out i had cheated or did something horrible, then a breakup the next day saying she hates me, never loved me ect.

Keep wanting to take all the blame myself but then i keep coming back to the idealization/devaluation thing. I just feel like somehow maybe i could of avoided triggering it. First breakup was 3 weeks after she proposed to me, second was for practically no reason that i could see, and the third was 3 days after she said i was the love of her life and asked me to get her pregnant.

I never imagined someone could switch gears this way till i discovered BPD after this last breakup. Wondering if shes gonna ever be back... .  

[Washisheart]

He watches her when I am at work. Last night, he took her on the town & then ou out for wings. She is happy as can be.

I worry that due to BPD he can't love  her like deep rooted parental love because he is too busy resenting the fact he can't have kids of his own. I just wonder what will happen in the future a he once planed on adopting her before he knew he had fertility issues

[Randi Kreger]

Or am I the only one?  I feel like an outsider amongst my friends because no matter how bad things get in their home, their man or woman atleast stays by their side. Everyone feels pity for me & angry at him  for being a jerk. and honestly I feel so humiliated I want to hide from the world anyway. I just wonder why I am not worth it. Why am I not worth sticking to? I gave him all I had & I am not.good enough.

Feeling not good enough is not a good reason to stay in a relationship. I am not saying leave; just that feeling not good about yourself will get you very stuck no matter who your partner is. What would you do if you DID feel good about yourself? Treat yourself in a loving way and work with a therapist.

[tuum est61]

He watches her when I am at work. Last night, he took her on the town & then ou out for wings. She is happy as can be.

I worry that due to BPD he can't love  her like deep rooted parental love because he is too busy resenting the fact he can't have kids of his own. I just wonder what will happen in the future a he once planed on adopting her before he knew he had fertility issues

So you and your daughter pretty well have daily contact with him?  :)o you have any options (or interest) in changing that?  

If he is indeed your ex, then it is probably time to look for childcare elsewhere - and deal with the impacts on your daughter sooner rather than later.  As you say, you are worried he can't love her in a deep rooted way as a parent anyway.

If you are secretly hoping for reconciliation, you need to get yourself out of the position of dependency regarding the childcare first, so the reconciliation can be about you and him without having care of the child running interference.  

But before you can work on your relationship - whether leaving or "staying", you need to work on taking better care of yourself.  If you haven't managed to find the time to get to the gym, what else can you do?  

[Washisheart]

I do feel good about myself... .  now.

I lost myself to a deep depression between my father's death, problems at work, the way my family treated me (i was the  ONLY one who accepted my father was dying so they no less than called me a murderer), my friends disappeared because they "didn't know what to say", then there was M... .  Basically it felt like I was completely alone & my world was falling apart around me.

But I did alot of thinking, alot of forgiving (life is too short, although the relationships aren't the same the burden is no longer mine), I put in for a transfer at work. And I started to see the clouds lift. 2012 was a hard hard year. I actually reached so low I resented my daughter because I wanted to die but I couldn't leave her (omg the guilt I feel about that). I always knew my fathers death would hit me HARD, I still rename the exact moment it hit me that he wasn't superman- and I was grown and had my own place! I just never realized the rest of my life would be shot to hell around it.

His leaving that last time was a blessing (although I would NEVER tell him that... .  ).  I needed that time alone to realize HELLO, I needed to get my life back! To get me back. I remembered the person I was before having a BPDso, I set myself goals and I got my head out of the fog surrounding the loss of my dad.

I feel soo much better now. uBPDbf is back. he is trying. We talk alot, and he is trying. He recognizes the feelings that come over him, as well as the fact they aren't right & are only temporary. He works on ways to divert his attention, his attitude has changed & he actually thinks before he talks. I save become more assertive, more demanding, not to an overwhelming point but enough to make  myself heard. Do I have this unrealistic fantasy that things will be perfect & we will like happily ever after? No. But what I see is a man that is FINALLY showing me he cares enough to realize he has a problem and make the conscientious effort to work on his own faults, and as we all know here is not easy for a pwBPD.  I did tell him should he leave again, that will be the last time, only this time it wasn't made as a threat to scare him into strying, it was a warning made by someone who finally realized life will still be ok if he isn't my bf.

It's a shame that life has to drag you through the pitfires of hell to get you back to the point where you recognize your blessings, but I am finally there

[Take2]

Good for you!