Did your BPD just fit right in to your life?

[Depression = 72% of members]

it's weird how we want to stay with them... as they  stay unstable emotionally!

who would want heartache!

well for me i have other opportunity with other guy... and yet i turned him down...

cos i am deeply in love with my BPD bf!

some says BPD  doesn't have the ability to love

but my bf love me deeply... he can be mean sometimes... .  for no specific reason... but those sometimes i can deal with... and he apologize right away most of te time

he is sweet lover... generous... and real gentleman!

he stick with  me thro all the hard times i have been thro

the thing that annoy me is that when we r so close... like really really close and so romantic... i get his cold attitude and the distance bw us the next day... for no reason!

he is always scared of what could come next!

yety i love him... and i am welling to be his cutre " i know it can't be really cured"

but i want to be his safety... his Savior... i don't know... maybe i am psycho... but i love him and i don't mind living the hell with him

i am here spending so much time  learning abt his illness... just cos i want to make him happy

making him happy is all what i want

i think i might have my own illness too! i mean who would ove to suffer like i do? especially i am romantic girl... i love sweet talks and romantic dinners... and he can be so romantic sometimes... but so cold at other times... and that hurt so much!

[soma]

it's weird how we want to stay with them... as they  stay unstable emotionally!

who would want heartache!

well for me i have other opportunity with other guy... and yet i turned him down...

cos i am deeply in love with my BPD bf!

some says BPD  doesn't have the ability to love

but my bf love me deeply... he can be mean sometimes... .  for no specific reason... but those sometimes i can deal with... and he apologize right away most of te time

he is sweet lover... generous... and real gentleman!

he stick with  me thro all the hard times i have been thro

the thing that annoy me is that when we r so close... like really really close and so romantic... i get his cold attitude and the distance bw us the next day... for no reason!

he is always scared of what could come next!

yety i love him... and i am welling to be his cutre " i know it can't be really cured"

but i want to be his safety... his Savior... i don't know... maybe i am psycho... but i love him and i don't mind living the hell with him

i am here spending so much time  learning abt his illness... just cos i want to make him happy

making him happy is all what i want

i think i might have my own illness too! i mean who would ove to suffer like i do? especially i am romantic girl... i love sweet talks and romantic dinners... and he can be so romantic sometimes... but so cold at other times... and that hurt so much!

[suz124w]

Hi Soma,

I wish you well but think you are taking on too much stress in this relationship... .  should it really be such hard work?

If you are resolved to stay with your partner, you should maybe have a look on the staying board as we are all on the leaving board and it might not be appropriate for you.

Bon courage!

[karhues]

Hi Soma,

You will never ever ever make him happy - you will end up alone and hurt.  I have been there not once but twice.  I truly loved my BPD ex husband with my whole being and felt like I could save him with my love.

He had a very troubled childhood and I felt really bad for him.  He often would do wonderful kind things then just like that he was a nightmare for absolutely no reason.  Quite often the good qualities he loved about me became the weapons he used against me to knock me down til I couldn't think straight - he is very skilled and  to make matters worse our teenage daughter not only has bipolar but BPD just like her dad and in her words "has learned from the master"  My heart breaks each and every day - I tried to make it work a second time - I thought how blessed we were to have another change to be a family again - blessed we weren't - as time passed - the behaviors reemerged until I was once a shell of a person again - It is over once again and I am broken as he lays in my replacements arms - but I know deep in my soul I did all I could do for both him and my daughter - he will do the same to my replacement - as he always does - he will move on to the next as simply as we breath - he will never look back and learn because to him its all a sick twisted game.  His heart is dead and cold (his words) so the cycle will never end.

I wish you luck I really do - I know the pain that comes with the end of this type of relationship - it hurts like no other.  I have buried my mother, my father, my brother and this pain trumps this like not other.

[happiness68]

suz124w - shock without the awe.  How true is that!  It's just that as you get kind of taken in by the awe and believe that this is it because if they're so enamoured by you then things will work as true love conquers all.  I get it's the positive part of us again, the part that so wants to make it work also.  Then, it happens, the shock, the part where it's almost like everything you ever saw and felt wasn't real, though you believed it to be so at the time.  I know what you mean suz124w. I agree wholeheartedly.  Did you BPD come back or try to?

happiness68,

I asked myself that self-same question!  I wondered once I learned about BPD if I could have managed the situation better/helped him by acting in a different way, a way that would be supportive TO HIM.  I had a very good therapist who held up a mirror to my behaviour and showed me my pattern of taking responsibility for other people.  It really IS up to the other person to take some responsibility for their behaviours/mental health especially when it is impinging on their partner!  I know now that those with BPD are not able to do this but this still does not mean that we should shoulder more responsibility and try to do their share as well as our own!

At the end of my relationship I actually voiced this regret to my exuBPD partner and he basically said it wouldn't have helped.  He was quite fatalistic about saying it wouldn't work out ... .  and I was pretty cut up about that and took it as a rejection of me personally.  Like your ex with you, he had previously been enamoured by me and had given me a lot of validation and I became kind of used to that, so the pulling away and cutting off came as a complete shock.  I think now that my ex was ALL TOO AWARE of the effect of his behaviours on me because it was in effect ABUSIVE. He may have mental health issues but he has eyes in his head and he can still feel!  I think I was one in a line of partners he had to leave behind because HE couldn't deal with HIS OWN behaviours!  Ok, he was an emotional coward in that he shifted the blame onto me most of the time but that was just camouflage because he can't live with the reality OF HIMSELF.

The reality of the situation is that their are two sides to the BPD relationship.  There is the SHOCK and the AWE.  You can't have one without the other... .  'aye, there's the rub!'

[suz124w]

No, happiness68, it was ME who went to see him to try to fathom it all out.  I didn't really want to go back to how it was but I just couldn't understand the abrupt change in his behaviour, I thought he was just very upset and I wanted to explain myself, I actually felt guilty about leaving the relationship because of all the 'love' he had expressed for me.  I soon found out that that 'love' was very different from the kind of love I believe in.  It was quite ephemeral actually and until I understood that it left me feeling quite used and angry which didn't help matters between us.

I was really upset by his hostility and projection at the end but with the help of the people on these boards, support from family, friends and a good counsellor, I was able to see that NC was the best way forward to protect myself from the damage this man could inflict (wittingly or not, I'm still unsure about that to this day but a bit of both I suspect like a spiteful child).  There was very little empathy or compassion in there anyway.

He came to my door a few months back but I was away from home.  My daughter answered the door.  He left something for me which wasn't really of much interest.  It could've been a pretext to pick up some things he left here or just a foot in the door.  Anyhow, I decided to ignore it and I've heard nothing since.  It was hard but I'm sure it's for the best.  I could not trust myself to act in my own best interests as he knows all my buttons.  I needed to erect defensive walls around myself and that still applies. 

[Benevolent Sun]

Bleeds

Good post buddy, I did get stuff out of it for. I don't necessarily like it but I need to let go. It it what it is at this point. Now I can't say, that I won't pine for her anymore but I need to work towards that

[happiness68]

suz124w - I can imagine that's the sort of thing my exbfBPD would do to try to get his foot in the door like that - sneaky isn't it.  I think you can be sure he was trying to come back.  You're very strong to ignore that.  I hope that I'll be able to ignore it if my exbfBPD tries to come back.  I've spoken to many people about my situation and not one person thinks I've seen the last of him.  I'm in two minds, because of that stubborn, bitter and spiteful part of him that I know exists.  Although he's hurt himself by doing what he's done, I believe he's done a lot of this to hurt me.  It also makes me question if he did ever really love me (as I know you say BPD love is different to ours), as I could never do to anyone what he did to me.  Like you, I tried to speak to him to clear the air and get to the bottom of it, but no joy.  More shouting/swearing.  It went on for weeks.  3 to be exact.  Since then I stopped.  8 weeks Monday.  Each day becomes easier, but I still have the questions.  Questions that I'm sure will get answered in my own head or through here given time. 

No, happiness68, it was ME who went to see him to try to fathom it all out.  I didn't really want to go back to how it was but I just couldn't understand the abrupt change in his behaviour, I thought he was just very upset and I wanted to explain myself, I actually felt guilty about leaving the relationship because of all the 'love' he had expressed for me.  I soon found out that that 'love' was very different from the kind of love I believe in.  It was quite ephemeral actually and until I understood that it left me feeling quite used and angry which didn't help matters between us.

I was really upset by his hostility and projection at the end but with the help of the people on these boards, support from family, friends and a good counsellor, I was able to see that NC was the best way forward to protect myself from the damage this man could inflict (wittingly or not, I'm still unsure about that to this day but a bit of both I suspect like a spiteful child).  There was very little empathy or compassion in there anyway.

He came to my door a few months back but I was away from home.  My daughter answered the door.  He left something for me which wasn't really of much interest.  It could've been a pretext to pick up some things he left here or just a foot in the door.  Anyhow, I decided to ignore it and I've heard nothing since.  It was hard but I'm sure it's for the best.  I could not trust myself to act in my own best interests as he knows all my buttons.  I needed to erect defensive walls around myself and that still applies. 

[suz124w]

happiness68,

My advice to you at the moment is just to keep on keepin on.  The passage of time and the detachment it brings (as well as reading these boards and realising your experience was not unique) will give you great insight into what you have been dealing with.  The lovey-dovey stuff (which the BPDs are so good at) often blinds us to some of the other stuff going on and makes us more accepting of some of the odder behaviours and the abuse.  8 weeks isn't that long although I know it feels long to you just now.  Try to stay NC and work on yourself so you are strong enough to resist any advances by your ex.  You may even secretly yearn for some such reunion initially because of the void you feel but try to bear in mind the ghastliness of the nastier moments too.  That will hopefully strengthen your resolve!

[BleedsOrange]

Pine away, my friend. Heartbreak sucks. No gettin around that.

[soma]

suz124w

thank u so much for your kind words... and yes i know its all hard... its all hard!

i am not sure if i can go on in this relationship... this is all new to me

but i know i love him and i am care giver by nature... i mean... i do the same for my friends... i like to take care of ppl who have been hurt emotionally! i don't know what that make me

but its like nature... but it never made me hurt at all

now... this is different... i love him and  i know taking care of him is going to hurt... i imagine the pain that ill go thro... but i don't know till what point i can bare!

i feel confused if i want to go on with this or not!

i promised him not to fail him or disappoint him... i'll never break his heart... yet i got to take care of mine

it's big dilemma... yet i am not in this relationship because of my promise... its all because i love him we fight sometimes... and i ache to  talk to him and be with him again and again

in matter of fact we had fight lately and things are rough bw us now... but i miss him so much

it's weird how i am so attached to him... it's all weird... maybe there is something wrong with ME for wanting to stay in this relationship! who knows!... this is all new to me... and he was never professionally diagnosed... but he know something wrong with him... he told me and he is ok with seeing shrink... but he is making excuses to not go

i make up my mind one day saying i'd leave him for good... then next day i see him at work... we don't even talk... i just see him... and... i feel weak... i just want to get him back again... is that even love? wanting to be with someone who hurt u occasionally... and make u happy other occasions!

i don't now... i got another guy... normal guy apparently... who asked me out... i said no... i just can't see any other man on this earth ... but him! i think i really LOVE him!

[soma]

karhues

i know what u mean abt sayin :"You will never ever ever make him happy "

he already told me that... he said he will never be happy no matter what!

i am not kidding my self abt that... but i just have my own imagination... that i can make his life easier... somehow... with love... i don't know... i am really confused... this is all new to me

some of the members here was surprised when i said that my bf told me abt how he feel to get attached to me and that he gets cold and distant cos he doesn't want to get hurt and he get scared of my msgs and my gifts and my voice cos he feel attached and he is scared of getting hurt

i don't know... he use to tell me all abt how he feel abt his life " i don't know who i am really" " i don't know what i want" " i feel hopeless for no reason"

maybe this is good sign right? i want to think of it as good sign... maybe i can help him... somehow!

or maybe not... i am not sure of anything right now

but i want to thank u so much for your reply

[happiness68]

suz124w - yes you're right I do secretly yearn for him to contact me even if just to show that he cared the way I felt he did.  I kind of feel now like we never happened, perhaps because I didn't really know him.  I know each day I get stronger and hopefully yes, I will be strong enough to walk away if/when he tries to come back.  I still find it incredible that I was with a man I didn't know.  I feel kind of angry with myself for it.  I guess that's just one of the stages that I need to go through. It's so much more draining than a normal break up.

happiness68,

My advice to you at the moment is just to keep on keepin on.  The passage of time and the detachment it brings (as well as reading these boards and realising your experience was not unique) will give you great insight into what you have been dealing with.  The lovey-dovey stuff (which the BPDs are so good at) often blinds us to some of the other stuff going on and makes us more accepting of some of the odder behaviours and the abuse.  8 weeks isn't that long although I know it feels long to you just now.  Try to stay NC and work on yourself so you are strong enough to resist any advances by your ex.  You may even secretly yearn for some such reunion initially because of the void you feel but try to bear in mind the ghastliness of the nastier moments too.  That will hopefully strengthen your resolve!

[GlennT]

What soma is going through, is called in Psychiatry, the malignant optimism of the abused. Even though a partners behavior was/is unacceptable and repulsive, the power of self-delusion is even stronger. All humans must have hope. In fact it is a part of our nature, otherwise, life would be meaningless. The BPD person consistently uses and abuses this human need. This is the weapon of the BPD beast. And we, provide the weapon with our hope and gullibility. This can also be called selective blindness. This is very sad.

[Surnia]

 

This thread has reached the page limit and is now locked.  Feel free to pick one of the topics from the thread to start a new one.