Couples Counseling: Any advice?

[beachtalks]

Hello friends,

My BPDhusband and I are going to begin couples counseling in the next week or so, and I am wondering if any of you have any advice to share on how we can get the most from it.  He will be in substance abuse rehab for two or three months.  We have a four-month old child together.

During the last month he and I reached a major breakthrough in the way we relate to each other.  Although he is reading a lot of self help and working on his anger management, I think the biggest shift has been because of me: I made the decision to give this relationship my full effort.  He was always complaining about feeling like the last thing on my list of priorities, and in some ways, I think he was right.  I had a lot of resentment towards all of the time and energy I put into him, and I've come to believe that he (and this love of ours) is worth my time and attention and unconditional support.  He was right: this is the way it should be for us.

I don't like the idea of bringing up all of our old issues when we are on this new jag of things going great.  I even wrote down a list of our old problems and physically burned it.  I think that because of our shift in dynamics, and his sobriety, that a lot of our issues will never again arise.  Will I be causing more harm then good to bring them up?

Any suggestions?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

Couples counselling gets mixed reviews here.  I tend to favor people trying it on the theory that some professional help is better than no help.  Others will disagree and say that the wrong kind of help is worse than none at all.     Couples counselling doesn't cure BPD, because the relationship dynamics are so entangled in the underlying mental illness of one, or both, partners when BPD or some other personality disorder is involved.  Astute couples counsellors may know how to spot it and urge additional counselling or treatment. 

I would let the counsellor be the guide as far as dredging up older issues.  Maybe discuss context before detail in the first session.  Describe the problems generally, without specific finger pointing.  Use "I" statements to explain why you are there.  "I want to improve the relationship. I want to find a way to discuss problems without starting an argument. etc."  See where it goes. 

[ZigZiglar]

My BPDSO lined up couples counseling for us too. Her agenda at the time of booking was essentially to have a third party mediate while she projects all the blame onto me. It is concerning as if the counselor does not understand BPD, the process could be more counter-productive and destructive than do any good.

I'm personally torn between briefcase's view and the other stance that the wrong kind of help will make things worse. I think that couples counseling is best reserved for a point in time where the BPD has made a reasonable breakthrough in their therapy and is able to take more accountability and have more self awareness with their BPD defense mechanisms.

If you have decided to go regardless, then ignore your BPDSO's agenda and go in with your own reasons as your motivation. Focusing discussions you're asked to initiate to the positives you'd like to achieve is definitely good advice.

[yeeter]

I went through 8 or 9 before giving up as not effective in our case.

Some were somewhat helpful to me.  Others were destructive to the relationship.  The best results were where I screened to be sure the counselor had experience with personality disorders. I like a PhD.  I like ones that don't get to pick and choose patients to screen out the tough cases (many do this), so prisons, mental health institutes, etc... .  All have patients assigned directly.

It's worth taking some time to find the right one.

Don't be afraid to fire and find a different one if it isn't feeling right.

[CodependentHusband]

I've never tried couples counseling with my dBPDw of 2-1/2 years; however, I went for several months on two different times through the course of marriage #1 of 12-1/2 years to an alcoholic. Why bring it up if my point of reference is from when I was married to an alcoholic without BPD? Well, the common thread that I have noticed is that the strong denial wife #2 has about her BPD is very similar to what I noticed in marriage #1.

My advice, continue to use all of the tools you use here in the couples counseling. Don't consider the forum of a couples session, even with a professional moderator, a license to not use the tools concering communication with your pwBPD. It's only my opinion on conjecture on this, but I strongly suspect that the relationship damage reported by others is more a direct result of not using the tools like S.E.T., boundaries, no JADE, etc, than it is a negative reflection on the couples counseling itself. Again... .  just my opinion.

[Oneneatguy]

My ex and I tried counselling numerous times, Both as a couple and as individuals.  In my humble opinion it is pointless unless the pwBPD acknowledges he/she has an issue and wants to address it.  When we went, I didn't know what BPD was.  I thought my ex had some trust and insecurity issues stemming from a previous failed relationship.  It was only after I went for individual counselling and my counsellor suggested I read a book about how to communicate with narcissistic people that it dawned on me that my ex was exhibiting signs of a personality disorder.

I found that in all instances the focus changed from couples counselling, to focusing on her issues.  I think they all recognized something was amiss.  When that happened it was only a matter of 1 or 2 sessions when I would hear the counsellor was useless and she stopped going.

If your partner truly wants to do some self exploration and better understand themselves I would say great, if it is going to turn into a blame game, best not to go.

[DivDad]

Spent many years and lots of money on co parent counselors.  Borderlines use it to advance their agenda.  BLines have no real resolve to better the relationship.  The only time the money was well spent was obtaining a court ordered counselor who had BPD credentials.  The counselor was used in my first mediation session.  Helpful to filter through all the BLine lies and false agendas.  But that was all.

Also, Blines love a new audience to tell their lies and stories too.  Once they tire of the audience... .  or it's not going their way... .  they find an excuse not to attend or say the counselor is no good. 

I have never heard of any positive, long term results that have ever come out of a parent counseling session involving a borderline.

If you do want to do sessions... .  have the borderline cover half the costs.  At least you are not eating the entire bill after all is said and done.

[Blazing Star]

I don't like the idea of bringing up all of our old issues when we are on this new jag of things going great.  I even wrote down a list of our old problems and physically burned it.  I think that because of our shift in dynamics, and his sobriety, that a lot of our issues will never again arise.  Will I be causing more harm then good to bring them up?

Any suggestions?

I like your emphasis on the positive here, and I think you can keep "looking forward" without bringing up the old issues in a harmful way by focusing on "how we can relate to each other from this moment on". You don't have to talk about the past, but you might want to think about why things happened and how you can both work towards them not happening again. I think you can use the therapy to start some positive and healthy habits of relating to and communicating each other.

As you have a new baby you could use 'parenting' or 'family values' as headers to discuss your ideals You could also use the theraputic space to practice your new skills.

I think there is great value in the kind of clean slate you are wanting, and I think it would be great to keep checking in with yourself and making sure you have some space (journal or own therapist) to deal with issues from the past if you need to, to keep the resentment beast away!

Let us know how the couples counselling goes!

Love Blazing Star

[spaceace]

My experience with couples counseling was mixed. The counselor had a very specific approach that my wife sought out. I thought it would help when we went. And it did. For a short period of time. What started to happen was, I believe the counselor started to see her PD. And when this happened, he started to work more closely with her. I thought it was good. I went to sessions and we worked on her issues and how she dealt with them within our relationship.

Unfortunately, we stopped going to this therapist. Cost was becoming a problem. Nearly $400.00 a month. I paid out of my pocket.

In the end, I still don't think it would have helped. I believe she has serious need for core trauma therapy. Without that her PD will not just go away. I know this. The hardest part I suppose is her not accepting there is a PD. Whether it is udBPD or symptoms of it, I know it is there. Logically speaking, why I am separated right at the moment has all the hallmarks of BPD. The splitting, painting black etc... .  

So, I would suggest therapy, but it may not be the end all. There should be individual work done to get to the core root issue. And it's not just a core issue you have, but more importantly your SO issues that need to be addressed. At least that is my opinion if it helps.

[beachtalks]

Thank all of you for your great suggestions  .  I really like the idea of reminding myself to still be on my best in therapy sessions, using all of the communication skills.  I have this fantasy of us sitting in there holding hands as we talk, as if the closeness will remind me to act with my heart.

I really want this fresh start to continue.   

I am afraid that the therapist's agenda is going to drive the sessions, and we are not in a position to pick and choose because my husband is in a state-granted rehab. I know the therapist is going to suggest we concentrate on talking about his substance use and his violent rages, and the truth is that his violence was always triggered by frustration at me.  I've made a lot of changes and I really like the result.  People keep saying that it's all his problem and that I shouldn't have to change, and I know the counselor will say the same thing, but they are all wrong.  They are wrong because my relationship has its own rules.  It doesn't fit into a box.  And I do love this relationship.  I don't want to change his core. 

[Steph]

 Lots going on here.

He is in rehab for chemical dependancy. Its going to take quite awhile for him to find himself, once he is clean, settled in his long term programs to maintain sobriety, and to  begin to grown and change. Sobriety does that. He WILL change and so will your relationship.

   So its going to be important for you to also be putting in the work. Being the spouse of a chemically dependant person has taken its toll on you, and you know you cannot fix what is going on with him. It makes sense for you to get help, and that can be found in Alanon. I STRONGLY recommend this.

Its likely that the MC wants to address the dynamics of a chemically addicted relationship.  Its possible that the behaviors you attribute to BPD will found to be related to his addiction VS mental illness. Or perhaps not. Only time can tell. Most practicing addicts score high on the BPD and antisocial PD scales.

   MC is shaky with BPD. In our case, the therapist refused to treat us during the 3rd session because she said that our r/s was not fixable as long as BPD was in play. This was so ethical and instrumental in him getting into proper therapy and the great marriage we have today.

So... .  lots going on for you, for him. If you take nothing else from this post, please DO consider Alanon and help for you.

Steph