Did you get your stuff back?

[Newton]

must move on, i understand your confusion, your ex said one thing (words), then behaved opposite to those words.  What is your concrete proof of intention? Words or behaviour?

[must move on]

must move on, i understand your confusion, your ex said one thing (words), then behaved opposite to those words.  What is your concrete proof of intention? Words or behaviour?

Yes I think you right Newton, Like I have said to exBPD 'your words and promises are taken away on the wind and forgotten as soon as you mutter them"!

I am sad but  I think I too will have to pay a loan I cannot afford etc etc!

[must move on]

oh please some one stop the roundabout I wanna get off... .  after all I said above I receive the "I know I have done wrong please let me see you D I love her she love me" blah blah

I will pay you back" !

[exbpdgf]

same ~, same ~. These people have to have been cloned  

HA HA, I swear it sure seems like it. I've read so many stories here about this kind of thing how BPD folks always leaving stuff behind, don't wrap things up, hold stuff hostage, etc, etc.

As much as I tried for things to not happen like that for me, they did. I was so clueless when we first broke up (even though I initiated the breakup). I  think I was scared enough of her (knowing her capacity for insanity and drama), that I went overboard, trying to be nice. First I found a mess of creepy in my storage shed (she'd taken the time to actually buy a couple albums I'd wanted and sorta posted them as a weird tribute to me). Slowly, I started realizing all the stuff she took from me.  Then I found out she stole some valuable stuff from me on the way out the door. Then I realized even more things she took. All the while I was learning about BPD.

I found 3 boxes of her stuff, in various locations in the first 6 months. The first box of her stuff I found (when I was still a bit clueless about BPD)  I contacted her. She wanted me to cart this heavy box of her "priceless" family memories (so priceless she forgot them) to a PO box store nearby. I did. I just wanted her gone. The result? This started a whole new phase of endless texts and "begging me to come back so we can heal together" crap.  

Second box of stuff I found, I threw it out and said nothing. I kept my NC.  

The third box of stuff I found, I rummaged through and found a whole mess of darkness/chaos/lies about her life from 15+ years before. Saw proof of her long life of dys-regulation before me (and proof of lies she'd told me about this period of her life).  I took what was valuable inside and sold it.  I kept NC.

When we first broke up, I thought I owed her money. It took friends of hers (including one who helped her move, even lived with for a while) and my T to see I was still "brainwashed" and I owed her nothing.

[BleedsOrange]

Y'all know, the patterns can make it easier. Think about how many people are on here. We've all been through the same thing. It doesnt make us stop being hurt- which is normal, but it sure helps to remember that we are not weird or wrong to feel as confused and hurt as we do/have. I know I dont have as many pots as a lot of people, but I've seen soo many of the people that used to be on this board move on and learn so much, it really is kinda cheerful. I know we say it all the time, but, it sucks that these lessons had to be learned the way they were, but they sure will be useful

[myself]

The stuff that's most important to us, that we also thought we lost? Like our hearts, our spirits, our self-esteem, our chance at love? We still have all of that and more.

[Diana82]

Getting my stuff back was an absolute NIGHTMARE!

I am still not over the whole experience and it's been 2 months.

Firstly, my exgf dumps me abruptly after an argument and tells me to leave her alone.

I try to apologise and reconcile via phone calls and letters- then she changes her number and blocks me on Facebook. A month later I write her an email requesting she returns my things. I also had her stuff and wanted to know where to drop it (she lives in a flat).

No response.

I waited 2 weeks and asked again and a week later I find 3 books dumped on my sidewalk outside my gate. No note. No response from her either.

And that wasn't all my stuff! I still had her stuff too

I had to then write to her again to ask for the other stuff and I even offered to get a mutual friend to help do a swap... (if she didn't want to see me).

No word.

I literally heard nothing for almost 2 months.

Then I saw her one day happily driving around and it made me so mad to see she was deliberately ignoring me.

I wanted the rest of my stuff back on principle.  I had left a ring at hers my Mum gave me too.

So I wrote to get again! No word.

I called the police and asked them for advice. They said I have every right to go to her house and buzz her flat to retrieve my stuff- otherwise it's theft. I was scared she may take out a restraining order! So I wrote her a note first advising I will be coming to get flat at such and such time and I have waited a long time etc.

I buzzed her flat and nobody answers.

I then ended up having to message her flatmate/best friend to ask if I can come back another time or if he can assist.

He calls me and was incredibly hostile. He said my ex didn't have the stuff and that she doesn't want to see me. He then got really worked up and barked "she wants you OUT of her life! She wants nothing to do with you! You have contacted her non stop for months and it's unacceptable!"

I said "hang on... I have contacted her to try to get my stuff back! That's not a crime. It's unacceptable that she had ignored me"

He talked over me " move on! You will never get closure from her! Do NOT ontact her again!"

And hung up.

Wow. It was so nnecessary. And I know my ex has most likely told him and everyone else I contacted her "non stop for no reason". Little do they know... she deliberately ignored me.

Maybe my ex lost my other stuff or it's just missing- who knows.

But why couldn't she have told me this earlier? She let it drag out for months with silence

[BleedsOrange]

I know I usually try to be positive about everything and I actually mean this in a tone of positivity cause it makes it a little less confusing:

Take the disorder out of it. Take all the push/pull, the devaluation and how beaten down and hopeless/helpless you felt at the end. Put yourself in your old shoes.

Theres a Fiona Apple line in "Fast as You Can" (Who seems to have a pretty firm, first-hand grasp on crazy)

"I'm tired of why's, choking on why's- just need a little because."

Now, even though that song is sung in first-person nuttball lady, put yourself in those old shoes and look at her doing this:

The why and the because is that she's a dick.

[BleedsOrange]

To be clear, I am not demonizing her. Anyone can be a dick without being a devil. That is just a dick move.

[Diana82]

Lol a dick is a understatement!

It's so bizarre though. She always seemed to do the right thing by me in the relationship. She was always telling her friends that certain behaviours of exes was pathetic and cruel.

Yet it turns out she behaves even worse.

She must have justified it in her head that I had "burnt her" (her words) so bad that I had to be ignored, cut off and erased for good.

It actually feels like I was set up to look like a crazy stalker ex. She deliberately ignored me for 2 months when I asked for my stuff back.

This would anger anyone. She also got my note about coming to her house to get my stuff and it was ignored. And then she could tell her flatmate and everyone else I was crazy and was now turning up randomly to her house.

She probably even lied and told others she had already responded to me. They probably have no idea she ignored me for months.

Normal people don't act this way. Sure... There's always anger after a break up. But usually there is a mutual exchange of stuff. I was treated like I had cheated on her or betrayed her

[BleedsOrange]

Yup we've all been there. Today i have this dick attitude.The sickness can explain the patterns, what they do and maybe even why they do it, but I feel like today, maybe, once we've got those why's of the understanding from these boards, some of the stuff, like this for example, can be chalked up to dickness. The more well-traveled members will call these coping mechanisms and they can be under whatever umbrella -ella -ella you want. We try to focus on ourselves, right? i think a good way to focus on yourself, here is that you did everything you could do to be respectful, considerate of her wants/needs and still get your things, and thi is what you got. So, to focus on yourself: you didnt do anything on this one except expect normalcy and respect. Maybe that was a mistake, but I dont think so. It will be a mistake if you expect it again. write this one off as far as self improvement goes and just write "dick" in the conclusion column. No more why's.

I know it's hard. I had the same thoughts when I was going through it, but you know what thinking that she was just f-ing with me and then finding out that she was, didnt really help in the long run. Bottom line, maladaptive coping mechanism or not: dick. Write this one off independently as you would if you heard about a chickfriend telling you the story. Completely detached from the relationship. Just plain dick.

Ive never said dick this much in a thread. I would be lying if I said it wasnt fun. dickdickdickdickdickdickdick HAHAHA!

[BleedsOrange]

no reason we cant laugh about this a little. the thread was started in a comical fashion.

[AmericanTemplar]

Mine still has my bed.  But I don't really want it considering the number of dudes she's probably gotten dirty with on it since the split.  I also let her have our car but our joint tax return went towards paying off some of my debt so I let her have it.

[myself]

no reason we cant laugh about this a little. the thread was started in a comical fashion.

Sounds like you got your 'dick' back, at least.

[Jay08]

Baha. Only way to get our stuff back is to fight dick with dick. Be careful though, being a dick might turn them on enough to spark back their interest

[BleedsOrange]

Thats how I did it. Wouldn't suggest it. The engagemnt sucks no matter what. Plus if you dont like being a dick, it suc... .  stinks... .  well there's no getting around it, its just not good. You lose pride.i feel like OTH is onna come bop me on the nowe with a newspaper at any moment

You know i love ya Hobbes, you zen master!

[ricky rick]

Hey american templar, I couldnt help  but crack up over what you said about the bed. I have to laugh because I thought I was the only one who was going through this. This post is 3 pages full of people going through the same ~. Its incredible.

[FogLight]

Haha don't fight dick with dick!  Our exes might be 'crazy' but Karma can be a REAL MFer.  My ex did everything she could to get money out of me the week before and the week after our break up (she was already DEEP in a secret new relationship).  That's what really got my blood boiling more than any of her craziness, thank God I didn't give her anything, but the principle of it had me enraged.  I had so many ways to get some sick revenge on her, but I'm so glad I exercised restraint for once in my life... .  

Since our break up, my social life has taken off, my work life has improved and I'm advancing, and I've personally grown more than I ever have in my life.  Even with everything that happened quite recently, I'm really happy to be where I am.  Her?  Her new toy's shiny has worn off, she's in tons of debt, she's burned most of her bridges and her friends can't stand her anymore.  She may be a dick, but she'll always be Karma's b1tch.  I'd love for her to realize she has a problem and seek therapy for it, but either way, it's her life to ruin.

So... .  not one person got his/her stuff back?  The similarities seem endless.

[Diana82]

Lol you do have to laugh

But did anyone else's ex block all contact?

Mine changed her number.

It's like they set us up to look like stalkers. She abruptly ends a long term relationship over an argument. Then refuses to discuss further and accept my apology.

On reflection I tried to call her too many times (every second day for the first week) and writing her a handwritten letter may have been desperate. But I was desperate at the time. I was super stressed that I had lost my partner over an argument.

And she sent me this brush off text 2 weeks after she ignored my apologies saying "I thought I made my wishes clear. I do not wish to have anymore contact with you on this".

Ouch.

I replied asking for more explanation... Telling her I was confused that she was breaking up with me over a fight.

She kept ignoring me and then changed her number and removed me from Facebook.

It was so insulting. Nobody has ever changed their number on me before and I felt like a harasser.

[BleedsOrange]

I got my stuff back... .  just not all of it. one trinket. It means nothing anymore.

[Diana82]

It shows emotional immaturity. Even my younger sister said it was really petty and childish to block people on Facebook and change your number.

How can I go from being her loving partner whom she trusted to being a "harasser" after an argument who has to be blocked and erased?

It was so extreme. As you can see... I'm still having problems getting over being called a harasser and feeling like a stalker when I only wanted more explanation and then my stuff back.

[BleedsOrange]

Di I did the same but worse. you can check my posts. i dont know if she blocked me. not enough to weakly (not weekly I must stress. A one time slip up.) find out about her quick marriage.

plus her responses were worse than NC. Its all good in the hood, baby. I would never act like that again. I feel like myself gain. Still hurt, but myself. No Bs no more. Stuff is just stuff. i didnt need the money. i didnt need the clothes. Shouldnt have even tried t get it back, but whats done is done.

We are free. They are freeish, maybe, who cares. Breathe the New Year in. Plenty of fun to be had. Let's go have it!

You can get over it! Once you get over all the relationship games as what they were- a really messed up person handling you the way that kind of messed up person does. Other than that, It's just a crazy ex. Im not enlightened. Im not past the pain. Im not past the anger. But screw this holding me back any longer! New mantra. i will tell myself this whenever i feel cruddy. But not tonight! Im gonna go lose SO HARD at darts!

[AmericanTemplar]

Hey american templar, I couldnt help  but crack up over what you said about the bed. I have to laugh because I thought I was the only one who was going through this. This post is 3 pages full of people going through the same ~. Its incredible.

The mattress was a nice $2000 one that I bought myself for my 30th birthday (I was ready to be a big boy and retire the futon).  My cat peed on hers so I had to leave it with her until I could buy her another.  She actually texted me at one point saying that she was "getting a replacement" [mattress?] so I could make arrangements to pick it up.  Apparently she was using it as leverage to get me to sign some papers because once I signed them I never heard back from her about picking the mattress up.  Or maybe the "replacement" never came (or he wised up).  Like I said, I was kinda disgusted by it anyway.

[afterdeath]

It shows emotional immaturity. Even my younger sister said it was really petty and childish to block people on Facebook and change your number.

How can I go from being her loving partner whom she trusted to being a "harasser" after an argument who has to be blocked and erased?

It was so extreme. As you can see... I'm still having problems getting over being called a harasser and feeling like a stalker when I only wanted more explanation and then my stuff back.

samsies... .  last comment i received... well one of the last ones was stop harrassing me and invading my privacy or ill call the cops... .  i was so stunned and worked up it just caught me dead in my tracks and i totally stopped contact after that... .  i think its funny she deleted her facebook after i found out she was in fact cheating when we were together or at least setting up the replacement before she kicked me out... .  confirmed by finding out 3 months later through her facebook as she told her highschool ex whom she had a long r/s with who she was seeing... .  she was also flirting with him ago therego triangulation (read definition) already with her new toy and old flame... .  seems i have been forgotten... .  she was right about one thing... .  she had no idea what i was capable of... .  pretty easy to find out the truth to her actions when it was easy to guess the fb password... .  i only stayed on long enough to see what i needed to... 5 minutes to find that validating closure message... .  wish i wouldve dug a little more as she was very secretive about her new toy as if she was ashamed... .  and then her deleting of her own fb after she knew she had been compromisedjust made me laugh... .  like she was afraid i could destroy her world if i wanted... .  makes me wonder what she thinks i really saw... .  i saw enough... thats all i needed to see... .  sick stupid girl

[exbpdgf]

It shows emotional immaturity. Even my younger sister said it was really petty and childish to block people on Facebook and change your number.

How can I go from being her loving partner whom she trusted to being a "harasser" after an argument who has to be blocked and erased?

It was so extreme. As you can see... I'm still having problems getting over being called a harasser and feeling like a stalker when I only wanted more explanation and then my stuff back.

I have been a bit stunned at the lengths of "painting me black" my ex has gone since the breakup. I HAVE to let go of what other people think and do what is best for me. I owe no one an explanation, they did not live through what I just went through. And since my EX is telling everyone "I hate her and I'm confusing her with my ma" (ironicially who I now know is BPD because of what I've learned in my breakup with my ex), I find that just saying something like " I wish her well" and "I hope she's happy" (even if I know wishing her well means I hope like heck she gets the professional help she needs and hoping she's happy means I know this is impossible). Just saying nice, well-meaning things about her throws them off, as they are expecting venom from me. I may have resentments, but I'm working on them and I've learned NOT to show this to others.

Yesterday someone asked me if I was seeing anyone (because my ex is- she replaced me within 3 months of our breakup). I said No, I am busy healing. It was a 9 year r/s and I am not going to get involved again until I've thoroughly looked at my side of the street, and what happened in my last r/s. I've also said I'm more hopeful than ever (I know my last r/s did not end because I couldn't do it). I've learned the hard way that as long as someone is in contact with my ex, in one way or another they are being "snowed" by her, so I have to protect myself a bit (even with good people).

[ricky rick]

exBPDgf, I hate to say this but I dont wish my ex girlfriend well. I hope she goes through the extream pain she put me through someday, AND it will happen... .  Someday! Too bad I wont be around to see it. I believe in Karma.

[Jay08]

Yeah, it is odd and heartbreaking they can jump to new relationships so fast.

When me and my ex broke up i had a few girls who i went out with but let them know it would be impossible to go past a FWB type deal since im still in love with my ex. Some of these girls were very good and i wish i wasnt in a state of not being able to date.

[OFFtheTopRope]

No.  What she didnt admit to trashing, she kept.  Brought me into an impossible situation that makes it impossible to get it too.  Hard to describe here, but it was her final no-win situation where she maintains control.  In a nutshell, she says if i want it back, she will take it to the police station and have it mailed and while shes there, she will file a restraining order and get me for "stalking and harassment".  Of course i dont want that and shes said its my "choice".   A very dumb one.

So goes the story to all her friends and family,  that shes "offered to mail it a million times"  so doesnt know why i keep refusing to give her an address (since ive moved).  She fails to "mention" the consequences shes imposed along with it.  So handy... .  

My ex is also a huge collector of items.  Terrible object consistency issues.  I will never get it back on these ridiculous terms so... .  

[peace]

No.  What she didnt admit to trashing, she kept.  Brought me into an impossible situation that makes it impossible to get it too.  Hard to describe here, but it was her final no-win situation where she maintains control.  In a nutshell, she says if i want it back, she will take it to the police station and have it mailed and while shes there, she will file a restraining order and get me for "stalking and harassment".  Of course i dont want that and shes said its my "choice".   A very dumb one.

So goes the story to all her friends and family,  that shes "offered to mail it a million times"  so doesnt know why i keep refusing to give her an address (since ive moved).  She fails to "mention" the consequences shes imposed along with it.  So handy... .  

My ex is also a huge collector of items.  Terrible object consistency issues.  I will never get it back on these ridiculous terms so... .  

I repeat - they are all clones  

and yeah - this is their way of still controlling you - unfortunately this very thread proves they are successful in doing so :'( :'(