I am struggling today

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I logically understand there is nothing more I can do. I also understand why I feel such anxiety and panic. Yet I am unable to pull it together today. I am working and I have a huge deadline and lot's of work to do, but I am sitting here completely frozen and shaking. Nothing has happened, there is still NC by my wife. It has been 5 days since I have sent her any texts. Yet, I am paralyzed.

I have this theory, we all know this is bad. Being with a pwBPD person has scarred our souls, yet I keep reading, we all want to go back. Why? Fundamentally, none of us really want this pain we are experiencing right?

So what is the pull? Especially when there is NC being thrust upon us? My theory is, we are more afraid of ourselves. We may believe we are fundamentally broken. So broken, so damaged by this relationship, we suffer with how did we let this happen. AND, how can I ever be good enough for someone else. Then I know I think, someone else? No way will I ever get into another relationship. I am about to turn 48 and being alone feels so much safer. Then I think, there is no way I want to go through life without someone. I have a lot to offer.

BUT, we revert back to, I would rather figure this out with my SO, it can't be so hard. She understand's me. I understand her. I can go through all this. If SHE would just come back, I will be alright.

It's a vicious circle and a battle I keep having in my head. Minute by minute, I take each wave of panic and try to reason with it, and what happens to me? I have another minute of panic and it doesn't end. It is too much to be dealing with this everyday!

Last night, I actually wrote an email to my wife. I spent an hour if not more, crafting the "right words" and sat with it. I know, no matter what I say, it will matter little. She will not respond. So I did not send it. For me that was huge.

But I am stuck here today and I want the day to be over. This is not the way I want to live, I want out of this.

[spaceace]

I logically understand there is nothing more I can do. I also understand why I feel such anxiety and panic. Yet I am unable to pull it together today. I am working and I have a huge deadline and lot's of work to do, but I am sitting here completely frozen and shaking. Nothing has happened, there is still NC by my wife. It has been 5 days since I have sent her any texts. Yet, I am paralyzed.

I have this theory, we all know this is bad. Being with a pwBPD person has scarred our souls, yet I keep reading, we all want to go back. Why? Fundamentally, none of us really want this pain we are experiencing right?

So what is the pull? Especially when there is NC being thrust upon us? My theory is, we are more afraid of ourselves. We may believe we are fundamentally broken. So broken, so damaged by this relationship, we suffer with how did we let this happen. AND, how can I ever be good enough for someone else. Then I know I think, someone else? No way will I ever get into another relationship. I am about to turn 48 and being alone feels so much safer. Then I think, there is no way I want to go through life without someone. I have a lot to offer.

BUT, we revert back to, I would rather figure this out with my SO, it can't be so hard. She understand's me. I understand her. I can go through all this. If SHE would just come back, I will be alright.

It's a vicious circle and a battle I keep having in my head. Minute by minute, I take each wave of panic and try to reason with it, and what happens to me? I have another minute of panic and it doesn't end. It is too much to be dealing with this everyday!

Last night, I actually wrote an email to my wife. I spent an hour if not more, crafting the "right words" and sat with it. I know, no matter what I say, it will matter little. She will not respond. So I did not send it. For me that was huge.

But I am stuck here today and I want the day to be over. This is not the way I want to live, I want out of this.

[Rose Tiger]

Of course you do!    Very encouraging that you did not send the email.  Then you'd be wondering, waiting, more hurt and pain.  Can't live with them, can't live without 'em.  It's an uncomfortable limbo, waiting... .  waiting for what?   :'(

Look at the stages to the right.  1 Acknowledgment.  We begin by acknowledging and working with our feelings.

Skip down and read number 5.  That's the one we are all working towards.  That's what we are waiting for to happen. 

Take some deep calming breaths.  Repeat to yourself Sun is warm, grass is green.  It's going to be ok.  Don't worry now on future relationships for now, set that aside (hard I know!)  What are some calming, self soothing things you can do for yourself?

[spaceace]

Thanks for the reply. I am not thinking about future relationships in any way. That is the last thing on my mind. What I am thinking and reflecting on is, why we, the nonBPD person wishes and wants to get back with our spouses.

Logically speaking, who wants to go through 3 times being split and painted black. Since February of 2011, I have separated from my wife by her design, 3 times. We are talking about a total of 11 months all together, we have not lived together. That is crazy! That isn't a marriage. YET, I want to go back. That isn't logical thinking. And I am aware of that very much so. YET... .  if given the chance!

That's the crazy part! That's the part I am deeply and honestly wanting to let go of, and it hasn't happened yet. We split on November 10, 2012, and I have not heard or spoken to her since then. I have sent too many emails and texts with no response from her. Then I will wind up and lob a nasty text at her out of frustration, and then  get responses like she is going to call the cops, she is going to file a restraining order. OK, well how about telling me why? Once and for all. Give me some closure. What brought you here this time?

I understand the shame, and I understand she won't or hasn't decided to walk back towards me, but what brought her here to begin with? And there is NEVER a response. I know this drill. After the 3rd time, I get the drill. But, she is about to make some major changes in her life and it is unbelievable she is about to throw all we have worked toward, down the drain! Her finances are screwed, she cannot afford her kids private school anymore, she's moving off our 1 acre farm with chickens and bee's, into an apartment at the end of February. Why do this? Why put yourself and your children through this? It makes little sense and I cannot reach her or stop her. She just left.

What I do to sooth myself, I just got a puppy, and I am having a blast with him. I am smoking, I know, bad, but it brings me calmness, not really, but I like to think so. I go for walks. I don't really talk to co-workers about this. Only one knows what I am going through. I talk a little with my brother and sister, but I don't want to call them all the time about this craziness. They both want me to leave her for good. I have a childhood friend who I talk to a little about this, but mostly, I read these boards all day and night and I look for a light at the end of the tunnel. That's about it.

[Changed4safety]

I struggle with this too!

We are trauma-bonded with this person.  It's bad, we are healthy enough to know we don't want it, but it's familiar.  I think it may be a variation of Stockholm Syndrome, in which hostages bond with their captors in order to achieve some kind of sense of safety in an unsafe situation. 

I don't want to hijack, but just wanted you to know you are not alone.  Mental processes can be relearned with time and repetition.  You are already retraining yourself by writing the email and not sending it.  I have to remind myself to keep doing the same thing. 

[Rose Tiger]

A farm, a puppy, chickens?  Oh that sounds like heaven.

Are you seeing a counselor?  Sometimes a breakup can be like trying to separate two pieces of fly paper stuck together, kind of hard to rip apart that kind of bond.  It's like you have to rip it off in pieces and little bits are going to be stuck for a long time.  Yes, they are disordered but we can be bonded pretty tight, whether it's a trauma bond or stockholm syndrome or childhood wounds that make us comfortable around the dysfunction.  It can be a benefit to have a therapist to help unravel the knots.

My puppy is almost two years old but he is still a freak.  Lots of fun.  I was thinking today, my dog adores me, he will never ever ever turn on me.  Ever.  I love him to bits.  Who knew that it is such a blessing to have unconditional constant stable love?  Even if it's from a puppydog.

[spaceace]

So, I did good by not sending it, well that is a boost of encouragement I needed. I have heard it from two posts now. I appreciate it. Positive reinforcement is needed at this time, big time.

I read about FOG and I think I used that to convince her to come back from our last split. I started to feel very worried about her finances. When in reality, I should be worried about mine!

When the first time we split, she walked her and her 3 kids out of my life with little notice. She didn't even tell her kids about the split! She actually moved while the kids where with their father. When they came back, they were living in a roach infested, ant infested apartment. Paying far too much for rent to be in a better part of town, but not in a better place from where she moved from.

For 4 months, we were separated. During those 4 months, I stopped paying my mortgage on my house. It was the most stupid thing I could have ever done and I regret the $hit out of doing that. Why did I do it? Well... .  She asked me to care about her more than my house. Which never made sense, but I thought if I showed her that I was willing to leave my house that I built for my kids, who I have primary custody of, I would win her back. PLUS, here's the biggie! We had 6 kids and the two of us. I have a 5 bedroom house. We all fit right in there! BUT, it's too BIG for her! What? She's says there's no place to snuggle herself up in and retreat to do her thing. She wants a smaller house with a little window to make drapes for it. So, I embarked on finding this house for her.

I found this totally awesome 4 bedroom house on an acre of land and she goes with me to see it and falls in love with it! This is where she wants to live. She decides she will get back with me! YAY! All is right in the world. So, now I spent a couple of thousand dollars I have saved from not paying my mortgage, and I pay to break her lease at rat central apartment complex. Then I pay a couple of more thousand to put a deposit and first months rent on the new house. And I plan the move with my children.

Now here comes the rub. My 'ex' wife files a restraining order to stop the move with my children. I am moving 40 miles away. She complains she won't be able to see them! Long and short of it, I am court ordered to NOT move with my kids. Oh, I can move, but not my kids, I will forfeit custody if I move out of my house with the kids.

Problem number one, my house is in foreclosure! Ouch, what the hell am I going to do? In the end, I am thinking only about myself. Not my kids, and I regret the crap out of that, and I commit to my wife, I will move. I get around all this because even though my house is in foreclosure, I drop off my daughter each day at school, and I work from the house that is in foreclosure. (BTW, I am still in the house and it's still in foreclosure). I do this until May of 2012, my wife contacts me while I am going to an Al-Anon meeting to tell me she wants a separation for a year!

I go to Al-Anon on her insistence. I do NOT have any alcohol in my background. But she is one, and she does have an issue with both her parents being alcoholics. Or so I am told. I have never met the mom, she doesn't speak to her at all, and I have met the dad only two times. So I do't really know.

This is now our second split. Why did this one happen? Who knows, she said I was not doing "the work" as she put it. I was doing 30 meetings in 30 days, and I had a sponsor and I went to therapy weekly and I was also in a DBT class because she has been telling me over and over, I have a core childhood trauma and BPD, so I need to do these things. I know I don't have these issues. What I know is, I have an abandonment issue, because she keeps abandoning this relationship and it trigger the crap out of me! And then tells me to seek counseling and go talk with my therapist and sponsor about my issues! WHat?  :'(. Okay so I do this. And for a month we don't speak.

Then we come back together. We are doing therapy and we are talking about getting back together. We see each and slowly I start spending weekends over.

Then, we start to look for a house to buy. This is key. I am no longer worried about being foreclosed upon. We are going to buy a house! We find a house in October, we fill out the paperwork at the bank, and then bam! Two days later, November 10, 2012, we go for a walk with the dog and she is blasting me about the "work" I am doing. I am going to DBT still, 1 day a week. I go to therapy 1-2 days a week, either by myself or with her and her therapist, and I am still going to Al-Anon 1 day a week. This is not enough she says... I tell her I am finding a balance and that 3 days a week is working for me right now. She told me to "get out" if that was all I was going to do. I was defeated. I was being yelled at. I was on the street with my tail between my legs asking God, what do I say or do next. She is adamant, she wants me out.

That was it! No more contact, nothing. And now I am STILL waiting on my foreclosure to go through, no hope of a house with my wife, and no hope for any reconciliation with my wife.

Sorry to spew the whole enchalada, I needed to get this out today.

[Rose Tiger]

That's ok.        and    I am so sorry this is happening to you.   :'(  I did it, too.  12 step, therapy, joined a bible study group, went to the Y to shape up... .  whatever he wanted.  And he did nothing to improve.  Nada, zero, jack, zip.  Yet I still yearned for him, loved him, was devoted to him.  The pain of separation was, well, it felt like I was going to die of a broken heart.  I was even googling, can a broken heart kill me?  I felt like it was.  Who does this?  Who marries someone and then walks away like it all meant nothing?  People with BPD do.  People that are personality disordered do.

Rail at fate, rail at God, cry and cry and cry some more.  You are in the midst of some heavy grieving.  Trust me, it doesn't last forever.  I promise. Hang in there! 

[myself]

Spaceace, welcome here, this place will help you and in turn you will be helping others. I've been where you are, not every detail but questioning things, feeling lost, wanting to keep trying, needing to stay away. Googling stuff, as RoseTiger said, like 'Can a person have two hearts because it seems one of hers loves me and one doesn't' and 'These mirrors don't seem to work anymore' and 'Is any of this even real?' Went through so much to prove myself to her, and to myself. It got to the point where everything that could be burned had been burned, it was getting colder by the minute and I needed to find some warmth. During recycles, you turn to that other person, thinking they'll take care of that for you, or at least help with it. Turns out we have to do it for ourselves.

Many of us feel and felt damaged before, during, and after these relationships. It's part of what draws us to other people who feel this way about themselves. Focusing now on what's good about yourself, what do you see? What do you like? What are your favorites? I've been going back and rereading some books and watching some movies I enjoyed, they bring me back to some good memories and show me pieces of myself that are positive.

A lot of what we go through in these BPD relationships is projections, and we need to get ourselves free from those. We've even projected stuff onto ourselves, taking on those wrong beliefs. If you feel it to, go back to some of the old things you enjoyed. At first, the enthusiasm may not be there, but in the doing you may find some forward progress towards times when you will respond much better. Also: Find some NEW things to enjoy. Using your time more positively will lead to other positives.

It's good to hear you didn't send that email. It was really written for yourself, don't you think? And you got the message, and can move on from it? I've written those, too, sent and not sent. Spent hours and hours writing them 'just so', working towards the best outcome, only to get negative responses or no response at all. What hurt most was my expecting it to go a different way, not that it happened the way I'd seen it happen so many times before. Once I got past that, the FOG started clearing much more rapidly. It's about how WE see and live things, not how they do. We clear our own paths here, to our own destinations, with our own tools. Whether we are with someone else or not.

Peace to you along the way. (Ps: So true! Animal-friends are wonderful!)

[BroiledBunny]

I feel ya... .  everything you said... .  

I'm so ashamed... .  1.5 years of NC... .  I crumbled, and yes, I felt I could never be in another relationship, and it's too bad I didn't or maybe I wouldn't have (crumbled).

I have tears in my eyes, reading your story. For you... .  and for me... .  

for I know what is coming.

[soma]

I feel all you are going thro

the part of not letting go... yet struggling during holding on!... I am in the same situation

I love him... and i know i should let him go... but i can't... .  i just can't!

when you decide to break up and separate... you find your self thinking abt them more and more... missing them so bad ... missing even the misery... you feel like you got used to this pain... to the point you panic if it disappeared maybe... .  i don't know... there must be explanation... reasonable one for us... .  the ones who get attached to the BPD even tho the pain!

[spaceace]

Thank you all for replying. It is actually very helpful to get words of kindness. I am sorry all of us are a part of the same club. Not for anything, but this club isn't one I think any of us wanted to join. I wish we weren't here... .