I have a feeling of Dread

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had probably a good month and a half of my husband being pretty awesome, It wasn't expected for the holidays. He had a day or two where he raged but they came and went quickly enough and they were the ones that came out of nowhere with no warning. I feel something building in him, I see signs of his moods changing from happy to irritated. What I do see is that he is really trying to keep his cool. I have also seen him fail miserably at it. He is trying really hard though and if he has to try so hard, I know he is in a funk that is going to last for a while.

I know I probably don't react right when he is irritable. I start to be super nice to him as long as he isn't being mean to me. I know he likes me to show affection to him so I will rub his back and things of that nature. I guess in my mind if I were in a bad mood I would want someone to show me they care about me. But when trying to be myself I usually find someway to make him blow up at me. For instance last night I was talking too much for his taste about something he didn't care about. I was simply just being me so it really hurt my feelings. He appologised to me and went to bed, he even appologised this morning again. Then he topped it off with, if I don't get better I'm gonna take care of it myself. Meaning he is going to end his life. I told him that isn't the answer he needs to be looking at. He said he doesn't want to explode again and that he doesn't want to be this way anymore. This was all said while he was calm and appologising to me so I know he was serious. Not to the point he was going to do something today. He doesn't tell me when he attempts suicide, he's attempted sevral times without me knowing and it didn't come out untill weeks after and sometimes months. I feel very uneasy. I guess I wanted to ask for advice on how to make myself feel better while living around it and not make things worse. Should I still make a point to be nice to him. I don't do anything out of the ordinary, I just try to make him feel loved and give him his space at the same time. I will send texts to him while he is sleeping so he will see I was thinking about him. He likes that kind of thing. I also try to have sex with him more often and he has been turning me down, which is unlike him, I usually can't keep up. And obviously I try to validate as much as I can. He's hasn't been difficult, he's just been irritated and depressed. He's got a lot on his mind, a lot of very serious stuff on his mind, and I do too. The differnce though is that I know how to distract myself from my thoughts and he doesn't. He has therapy on Monday, sometimes that seems to make him worse though. I just get so exausted emotinally.

[Cloudy Days]

I had probably a good month and a half of my husband being pretty awesome, It wasn't expected for the holidays. He had a day or two where he raged but they came and went quickly enough and they were the ones that came out of nowhere with no warning. I feel something building in him, I see signs of his moods changing from happy to irritated. What I do see is that he is really trying to keep his cool. I have also seen him fail miserably at it. He is trying really hard though and if he has to try so hard, I know he is in a funk that is going to last for a while.

I know I probably don't react right when he is irritable. I start to be super nice to him as long as he isn't being mean to me. I know he likes me to show affection to him so I will rub his back and things of that nature. I guess in my mind if I were in a bad mood I would want someone to show me they care about me. But when trying to be myself I usually find someway to make him blow up at me. For instance last night I was talking too much for his taste about something he didn't care about. I was simply just being me so it really hurt my feelings. He appologised to me and went to bed, he even appologised this morning again. Then he topped it off with, if I don't get better I'm gonna take care of it myself. Meaning he is going to end his life. I told him that isn't the answer he needs to be looking at. He said he doesn't want to explode again and that he doesn't want to be this way anymore. This was all said while he was calm and appologising to me so I know he was serious. Not to the point he was going to do something today. He doesn't tell me when he attempts suicide, he's attempted sevral times without me knowing and it didn't come out untill weeks after and sometimes months. I feel very uneasy. I guess I wanted to ask for advice on how to make myself feel better while living around it and not make things worse. Should I still make a point to be nice to him. I don't do anything out of the ordinary, I just try to make him feel loved and give him his space at the same time. I will send texts to him while he is sleeping so he will see I was thinking about him. He likes that kind of thing. I also try to have sex with him more often and he has been turning me down, which is unlike him, I usually can't keep up. And obviously I try to validate as much as I can. He's hasn't been difficult, he's just been irritated and depressed. He's got a lot on his mind, a lot of very serious stuff on his mind, and I do too. The differnce though is that I know how to distract myself from my thoughts and he doesn't. He has therapy on Monday, sometimes that seems to make him worse though. I just get so exausted emotinally.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Seahorse1]

Well you are distracting your self by posting... .  Good start... .  

I also know those feelings of dread and it only makes things worse... .  

I commend all of you on the staying board for your patience and commitment... .  So now give your self a pat on the back for that too... .  

My only other advice is to have positive expectations... .  Hard when we know the usually drill... .  But you are both committed to change so have that positive expectation... .  Even if the outcome ends up in a " flare up" these people are so to change but keep in mind he's probably trying very hard... .  

Take care

[briefcase]

You sure have a lot going on here.   

I'll do my best to try to sort out some of these issues I see and share my thoughts. 

1.  Suicidal Ideation.  Based on his history and your knoweldge of him, it seems clear he is having thoughts of suicide, which you are taking seriously.  We recently updated our workshop on Dealing with Threats of Suicide.  The key is getting him to professional help.  If there is a life-threatening emergency you can always call 911.  In the end, you are not responsible for his suicidal ideations or actions.   

2.  Emotional Enmeshment.  It's very easy to become emotionally enmeshmed with our partners in these types of relationship, especially if there is a legitimate fear that our partners might try to hurt themselves.  As a result, we focus a lot of energy studying and learning our partners behaviors.  We act like meteorolists, but we study the emotional "weather" of our partners.  All our energy and focus in on the other person, and we lose sight of ourselves.  This dynamic is very unhealthy for us.  We lose ourselves if we don't take care of ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally.  You can't control him through back rubs, sex, or "being nice."  His moods are . . . his.  They don't have to be yours.   

3.  Taking Care of Yourself. As I mentioned above, you need to take care of yourself.  In fact, taking care of yourself is absolutely necessary to helping him.  If we are in shambles, we don't have the strength for ourselves, let alone someone else.  By being strong, stable and healthy yourself, you are actually doing a lot to help him (although that may not always seem obvious to him).  Eat right.  Exercise.  Have some fun with friends and family.  Watch movies or read books that you like.  Doing simple things like this are an easy, achievable way to get some of the focus back on yourself, and off of him and his issues (and again this is good for him and you). 

I hope this helps, and do keep us posted. 

[Cloudy Days]

I've gotten much better at doing things for myself. I have been reading a lot and that really helps me keep my mind off of things. It's a bit of an escape for me though, I get very wrapped up in the world of the book, it's refreshing not to be thinking about my own life. I actually feel better when I am nice to him too, but that's why I asked. I normally do all the stuff I mentioned to some level when he is happy. If I am nice and act happy then it helps me keep it together. I was wondering if it sends him the wrong idea. I have my moments alone that I cry when I need to. I'm basically tyring to be myself, it always catches me off gaurd when he gets mad at something I have done. I have tried to keep my distance from him, I get a feeling sometimes that he doesn't like that so I try to spend time with him too and that's always when he blows up at me. It's confusing trying to figure out whether I should leave him alone or attempt to be around him.

[Seahorse1]

I'm not sure how connected you both are or able to communicate when things are calm... .  

Although my relationship is over ( for now) I'm always happy to offer suggestions that might help... .  

Are you connected enough ( can't think of a better term) that when things are going well you can gently confront him about times when things are not so well... .  

Eg... .  

I sometimes notice you beginning to get upset/ irritated ( use your own term that feels most suitable) I know you do your best to deal with this, but it also makes me ( stressed/ use your own words)

I would like to have a plan in advance of how I can help you handle these situations when they arise... .  Eg do you need space? Attention, etc... .  

Hope this helps

[Cloudy Days]

I have talked to him before about it. It's not really something he can give me a good answer on. Obviously when he is in a better mood he is going to have completley different answers as to what he wants or what he thinks he would want. When he starts going into his depression his feelings change drasticly and he's pretty much unpredictable. What he wants changes depending on what his mood is.

[united for now]

His moods will change dramatically.

If we follow them, then we are being dragged around by their emotional roller coaster - not healthy.

This is what briefcase meant by

2.  Emotional Enmeshment.  It's very easy to become emotionally enmeshmed with our partners in these types of relationship, especially if there is a legitimate fear that our partners might try to hurt themselves.  As a result, we focus a lot of energy studying and learning our partners behaviors.  We act like meteorolists, but we study the emotional "weather" of our partners.  All our energy and focus in on the other person, and we lose sight of ourselves.  This dynamic is very unhealthy for us.  We lose ourselves if we don't take care of ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally.  You can't control him through back rubs, sex, or "being nice."  His moods are . . . his.  They don't have to be yours.   

I know how difficult it is to step back and how it feels sort of strange not to try to cheer them up or act a certain way. To not be analyzing him so that you know whether to put on a rain coat, winter jacket, or shorts. It's like our instincts are screaming at us to do something, fix something, change something - all in an effort to adjust (control) the other person's mood.

Changing this dynamic - to act a certain way  - means learning to live with his moods as they are, without stepping in to change them. And to allow ourselves to just be ourselves - as WE are - irregardless of how our partners feel.


So if you feel happy - then be happy.

Don't have sex just to make him happy.

If you feel like talking and he is moody - then call a friend and chat with them.

Don't stuff your thoughts or feelings so as to not piss him off.

Practice allowing yourself the freedom and the liberty to feel what you feel and to not be so attuned to what "he" feels. Who knows, you might really enjoy yourself... .