Emotional caretaker = ?

[lizzie458]

So... .  T told uBPDh about her suspicions of BPD (w/NPD traits) around Christmas. He feels emasculated and upset that she told me a few wks prior. I'm glad I found out beforehand so I could process before "awakening the Kraken" of his emotions. However, I can also see where he would feel how he does. We've talked about it and he wants to have a couples' session to try to determine where to go from here. T says I am "taking care of" (read: taking responsibility for) his feelings and that we are locked in a pattern of destruction. She identified BPD (w/NPD traits) in him after seeing me for over a year, and him for about the last 6 mo of that time, but I don't think she understands BPD well (how many people or T do, really? Esp invisible BP). She has mistaken my validation of him for agreeing, and treats H pretty well in session (validates him herself), but then when she's w me she still expects him to just grow up, which I now believe he doesn't have the capacity to do. I think I need to begin the search for a new T who has experience with/willingness to treat non's who choose to stay with invisible BP's -shouldn't be hard to find, right? - but aside from that, I wonder whether she could be right.

I guess she is right in that I've essentially signed up to be our emotional caretaker, but i guess my struggle is what that looks like, and am I perpetuating bad behavior and a negative paytern? My gut tells me no, but I'm still very new to this and there looks to be a super thin line between codependency and being the emotional caretaker. FWIW the last few wks have been pretty great. We are separated, but our relationship seems to have really deepened as my outlook has changed and I've started accepting and validating him. That said, I wonder if this is just the honeymoon phase of our pattern. I don't think so, because it hasn't been all rosy lately; we've actually negotiated some rather rough stuff lately thanks to my new comm tools... .  but idk. I think things will deteriorate if/when my own resentment pops back up.

It seems to me that by choosing to stay w my BP, I am accepting that he has a limited emotional capacity and I am choosing to be the caretaker. To me, that means being willing to release all expectations (thereby releasing my own resentment) and being willing to strive for emotional health that allows me to validate him while he is on the cusp of raging and communicate w him in ways that require mindfulness (aka work ) on my part. I recognize that it may never be a great idea to share my deepest emotions and struggles w him. I'm doing my best to set boundaries, but to also remain empathetic to his pain instead of resentful of his childish behavior. How do you "old timers" see it? I wanted to check this here because you guys are my peeps and know the deal better than my T.

For a bit more background: After he processed a bit he admitted to BPD tendencies but will not admit to having the "full blown" disorder. He actually bought a few books on DBT and looked into a few DBT groups in the area. I am cautiously optimistic - doubt this will go anywhere (his pattern is to LOOK like he's getting help, then he tells himself he's done all he can do so it's not his fault when everything continues to fall apart), but who knows? His recovery is not my concern.

One last thing: BPDh doesn't want anyone but my sponsor to know about his informal dx. I haven't told him about this site because I'm a bit worried about him creepin on me   But I also don't want to lie to him, and I feel like I may need more than just my sponsor, T, and you guys to talk to about this stuff. Because I think even people in al anon won't really get what I'm trying to do unless they have the right context to work from. But is it too much to ask to get validation from people other than those listed above? I'm not afraid of his reaction, but I want to respect his feelings and mine at the same time. Feel free to point out anything you guys see that's unhealthy!

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[yeeter]

A great post Lizzie - you are evaluating it thoughtfully, well done!

It seems to me that by choosing to stay w my BP, I am accepting that he has a limited emotional capacity and I am choosing to be the caretaker. To me, that means being willing to release all expectations (thereby releasing my own resentment) and being willing to strive for emotional health that allows me to validate him while he is on the cusp of raging and communicate w him in ways that require mindfulness (aka work ) on my part. I recognize that it may never be a great idea to share my deepest emotions and struggles w him. I'm doing my best to set boundaries, but to also remain empathetic to his pain instead of resentful of his childish behavior. How do you "old timers" see it? I wanted to check this here because you guys are my peeps and know the deal better than my T.

What I really like about this section, is the responsibility YOU are taking.  Not only to lead and guide the relationship (via your own strength, introspection, and boundaries), but also the responsibility to monitor and prevent resentment from creeping in.  To me, thats a really hard one and one that very few can manage.

One last thing: BPDh doesn't want anyone but my sponsor to know about his informal dx. I haven't told him about this site because I'm a bit worried about him creepin on me   But I also don't want to lie to him, and I feel like I may need more than just my sponsor, T, and you guys to talk to about this stuff. Because I think even people in al anon won't really get what I'm trying to do unless they have the right context to work from.

But is it too much to ask to get validation from people other than those listed above? I'm not afraid of his reaction, but I want to respect his feelings and mine at the same time. Feel free to point out anything you guys see that's unhealthy!

I can understand why he doesnt want to broadcast to the world that he has a disorder (who would?).  And I agree that AlAnon wont really get it - only people that have experienced it directly, and those with specific training - have a clue.  And even some of these still do not really get it.  Sending him here isnt the best, it would be better to direct him to some of the boards specifically aimed for the individuals with BPD. 

i guess my struggle is what that looks like, and am I perpetuating bad behavior and a negative paytern? My gut tells me no, but I'm still very new to this and there looks to be a super thin line between codependency and being the emotional caretaker.

Even by asking the question, means you are doing great.  Keep checking in on yourself, but know that there is no 'perfect' so live it, learn, and adapt to what gets the results that work.

This sentence seemed a strange description to me:

He feels emasculated and upset that she told me a few wks prior.

I can certainly see how sharing something so important with someone else would make me feel.  I wouldnt like it.  And to some degree, it would be a betrayal of trust (I would hope that if my T had an issue with me, they would discuss it with me first).

But emasculated?  I would feel the same way whether I was male or female.  Is this how he described it?  Or, is this an underlying association you are giving him about his manhood?  Just seems a funky word to use, and the type of word that can cause someone to be on the defensive very easily.

I think I need to begin the search for a new T who has experience with/willingness to treat non's who choose to stay with invisible BP's -shouldn't be hard to find, right? - but aside from that, I wonder whether she could be right.

I dont know... .  this T seems to have several pieces figured out, and seems to be helping.  Its not that easy to find one that genuinely gets it.  There was one I found in MC, and then the T I use for myself now (was referred to me directly by a recovered BPD - not the norm!).  You could screen some others while still seeing the one you have now.  Ask some pointed questions.  See if any of them offer insight up front that is more useful that what you are getting out of your current T.  But as you say, it might be a tough find.

Good work!

[Auspicious]

There is an emotional caretaker aspect to staying ... .  depending on what you mean.  

Acceptance that there will be unpleasant aspects to living with someone who suffers from mental illness - that acceptance is good and important.

But care taking in the sense of enabling, infantilizing, doing for the person what they could be doing for themselves - not so good.

And it's not always easy to tell the difference between the two.

[lizzie458]

Yeeter - he used "emasculated" and I believe that's how he felt based on his past issues. T and I are both women and he's spent his whole life struggling to see himself as a man, partly due to the fact that he fits the more traditionally female role in relationships (which now seem to be coinciding with his BP traits - wanting mind-reading, emotional intensity, abstract thinker). I don't see those as feminine traits, necessarily, but we've had people say before that he seems like the chick and I'm the dude.

Thanks for the insight on our T! Helpful to get another perspective.

Auspicious, you bring up a good point. I was also wondering, on joint issues - like who coordinates our moving to a new apartment - I wonder what is enabling. I used to do everything for everyone. Then I thought I shouldn't do anything except when it only involves me or I'm specifically asked (if it's a joint issue). Now, after BPDh's distorted perceptions and inability to focus (I'm starting to think he dissociates a lot) have made colossal messes that affect me directly, I think it's ok for me to coordinate things, etc. as long as I'm not resenting it, and as long as I'm directly involved with the sameish level of responsibility to begin with. That sounds good to me, at least. Do you guys hear anything wonky there?

[Auspicious]

Now, after BPDh's distorted perceptions and inability to focus (I'm starting to think he dissociates a lot) have made colossal messes that affect me directly, I think it's ok for me to coordinate things, etc. as long as I'm not resenting it, and as long as I'm directly involved with the sameish level of responsibility to begin with. That sounds good to me, at least. Do you guys hear anything wonky there?

Sounds like a pretty healthy perspective to me.

I think it really isn't possible to always know what the person is capable of ... .  and thus it's not always possible to tell exactly where that line is between accepting and enabling. So we do our best

[united for now]

From reading your thoughts, I would say that you are really working on stepping back in some healthy ways 

[yeeter]

Yeeter - he used "emasculated" and I believe that's how he felt based on his past issues.

This could be a great place for validation.  It must be terrible, to have such a negative core feeling.  I'm trying to even think of a female equivalent, but I can't.  Maybe some type of fundamental failure as a mother.  But not even sure that is similar.

Most people from the outside associate marital gender roles based on who holds the most 'power' in decision making (to the point sometimes that they won't even ask one partner if needing an answer, they will go right to the person that makes the decision)  And/or,  which is the more aggressive/dominant personality.  There might be something here to explore if outsiders are telling you the roles are reversed... .  As the 'dude' now, you have the responsibility not to walk over the top of the 'chick' (otherwise it's just imbalance, but with genders reversed)

I could see how you and his T discussing HIS issues and treatment would compound this.  As if he was just a 'subject', and the two of you were working together to sort him out.

Just something to think about.  Your doing great at analyzing it!  

[Justadude]

If he does have BPD, it sounds like a classical identity problem.