4 months NC -- now here we go

[Yolo]

Welp,

Almost 4 months out. I get a text a couple nights ago from his best gal pal (who was also my friend)... basically saying she hoped everything was going well.

I get to work the next morning, and my best friend who works with me said she got a personal message from him on FB asking her to tell me happy new year if I'd receive it well, if I'd be upset then to delete the message and not mention it.  

Seems to be a rash of postings like that lately.  Of course she was going to tell me. She didn't respond... .  of course I wasn't going to initiate even though it did peeve me that he put my friend in that position... she was stressed about it.

I'm sitting here at work, busting away on an important project and now 45 minutes ago, I get an email at my work:

I need to discuss something important with you.  What I have to say needs to be said in person.  Can you please meet me next Saturday afternoon?  This is not an idle request just so I can chat with you.  It is important so will you please come listen to what I have to say?  Please

Crap, now his gal pal just texted me and said "PLEASE call me!"

Now I'm scared. My palms are sweating and I'm panicking.  I got STD tested 2 months out... .  I don't know, maybe I should get tested again. SHOOT!

[exbpdgf]

My unasked for advice is yup, go get tested, do whatever you have to do, but stay NC! It sure smells like a triangulation (read definition) to me.

[ambi]

Ouch.  No words of wisdom to offer.  What do you think you're going to do?

[gina louise]

If you don't feel good or comfortable about face to face just say no, I would prefer that if you have something to say you write it, mail it, or e-mail it.

Whatever gives YOU control over the situation.

Be polite- but politely decline the f2f meeting if you feel anxious. Don't let your ex wrestle control back with a surprise ambush.

I'd be wary if I were you.

GL

[Blessed0329]

I agree with the sentiments expressed, especially for you to do what gives you control over this. Also remember that while we might express urgency over something that is really urgent, pwBPD might express urgency over something that, quite frankly, is not urgent at all, except in their minds.

[myself]

Wouldn't do face to face. Crucial info can be transferred electronically. If it's std and he told his friend before you? It could just be a recycling attempt. Best to stay NC. If anything, text back "What is it? I'm busy moving on" or however you would word that.

[Yolo]

Update: I was at work so I was concise, but very unsettled, so I logged on here at work.  My drive home is about 20 min.

I try to get settled in and see his best friend trying to call me... .  goes to missed mostly because I'm like OMG WHAT is going on? This must be serious. Now I'm really worried at this point.  She and I really liked each other but also knew what the deal was. She's his friend. If something happens... .  we can still admire each other, but continued friendship was a no-go.  I think that is respectible enough.

The fact she has gone out of her way to contact me in spite of his potential "wrath" worried me, because she implicitly knew what the 'rules' were as did I and they were rational.  An email from him speaking in vague language... then 30 min later her begging text then within the next hour her trying to CALL ME? Clearly she knew what was going on and clearly she may even be aiding him... .  /cry... do I need to block her now?

Maybe she like me so much that she is thinking that he and I getting back together will be the only way we can be friends again (true).

I settled down... .  then I texted her this:

Me: Hi XXXXXX, sorry I missed your call... I can't really talk right now. I got [ExBPD's] email at work but was super busy. He was vague. I'm guessing you know what this is about and I'm pretty concerned about it. Is this STD related?  Am I about to be subpeoned to court?

She said: It's not a bad thing... .  I promise you. That's why I contaced you. I feel like you would appreciate hearing what he has to say.

So me... .  I'm relieved, that maybe I don't have to go get RE-TESTED just to be sure... AND I'm not to be called as a character witness in some messed up legal case.

I say: Oh god, thank you! I thought someone was dying or that 2013 was setting up for epic failure.  Thanks so much and sorry you are being involved.

I thought she would drop it at this point... .  I thought I gave her her out for being involed. But no.  She says:

If the situation was reverse I would want you to encourage me to go.

Anyway, I'm relived to think that maybe I don't have to go get retested for STDs (he was a man-whore... .  I understood this while I was in it, and got tested 2 months out and by grace of God clean bill!).  I was relieved that some legal thing didn't come up where I didn't have to attest to his character and maybe that is why he wanted to talk to me 'in person'.

What needs to be understood is that my ExBPD and I always related and communicated very similarly in writing, so half of our relationship was in correspondence, even if we'd see each other that evening.  We saw each other 3-4 times a week... .  we'd correspond text, constant written communication every day.  Our previous recycles have been through correspondence.   He can be very shakesperean in his recycles... and in his idealization phases... .  mesmorising with words.  Our prior recycles were all through correspondence.  So what he wrote me today was so different than the last 3.

So this was new.  Using my best friend as a conduit.  She was ticked... .  she hates him.  Using his best friend who he knows is still in my good graces [tho maybe not so much anymore because I also thought she'd fight for me on the inside, want the best for me and DISCOURAGE him from interfering]... .  this is new I've never experienced it before.

Anyway, I feel bad... since New Years I've been bombarded at work very busy and focused not much time here on the forum the last week. I spent months thinking this would happen and it is true... .  just when you are really starting to make progress... .  sometimes--just sometimes it's like "BOOGEY BOOGEY BOOGEY"!

I knew this was the first place I needed to go to express my shock.  I knew he'd contact me as soon as I got the wierd text from his friend only to find out that he'd personal messaged my best friend the same day. On the break I thought it'd be sooner. We'd only gone 2-3 weeks NC longest before... .  I had reasons to think this time might take longer... but thru the holidays nothing so I really started to think, OK... .  IT IS OVER.

He was always direct in past recycles... from him to me, now he's using my best friend and his best friend whom he knows I adore but couldn't keep.  His correspondence today, not shakesperean... .  matter of fact yet urgent.

Like a virus. He's changed his form and the game because he knows I'm immune to the old games.  Oh god.

I love this forum.  On the outside it is so easy to see... .  when you are in it. Fricken suckes.  If his BPD pattern would stay the same that is easier. Hes changing it because he knows... .  he knows I expected it sooner, he knows I expected poetic prose and apologies, he knows I expected it directly from him.  Now... .  it was... .  wait 4 months, entangle best friend, entangle his best friend who he knows there remains mutual respect, send direct message that is devoid of emotion but wrought with practical urgency.

OMG he's good!

[patientandclear]

Seems pretty clear he is going to tell you (if you see him) that he regrets many things, wants to make amends, will do things differently, and cannot live without you.

Maybe that he will pursue therapy.

So the question is: what do you think about that?  Is the answer no no matter what?  Is it no unless he takes certain steps?  Is it no for now, let me know if you get well into BPD-targeted therapy & want to pursue this?

[ambi]

It really does sound like a recycle attempt.  Are you thinking about meeting him?  How are you handling all of this?

[Yolo]

Thank you for your responses guys... .  they really helped calm me down a bit... .  you are all so very right!

I did respond to his friend and said told her that she is a great friend and that I love her but nothing personal but we should stop communicating now.  She said she that I'm always so sweet, that she understood and just wants the best for me. 

I did email him,  pretty short, not addressing the meeting up thing.  I asked him to please not involve our friends, that my friend was upset at getting his message on FB, and that between him and his friend I made my self sick thinking something really bad had or was about to happen.

Then I threw in that I had loved him and that had given energy to some things in the end that don't matter now months later. [referring to how I ended it... .  I was ruthless and called him a mean, sick, selfish a-hole and told him to go F-himself]. 

I signed off by saying I didn't want a big exchange, more concerned about our friends, I don't hate you.

Guess maybe thinking that he's had some difficulty moving on because he thought I hated him... .  perhaps this has made his shame unbearable.

He responded with sorry for upsetting my friend, he merely wanted to send his best wishes. Then to Please meet him next Saturday, the rest will become clear.  He understands it's been months but he wants the best for me and truly means no harm.

I need to figure out how to word things as to decline his request... .  I agree with all of you, I need to maintain control of this and scurry back to NC.  Even if he were to admit he was sick and would commit to therapy (which is something he hasn't tried yet), I know too much now with this forum to gamble more of my life away on that bet.

Anyway, I feel much less scrambled today and I guess NC and actively working on detachment has helped.  There would have been a time I would have considered meeting him.  That is not going to happen now

Thanks again to everyone that helped get me back to center!

[afterdeath]

wouldnt it be a totaly shutter island experience if he were to meet with you and tried explaining hes worried for your health and thinks you have BPD and need therapy? Id believe i was crazy all over again... .  i doubt those are his intentions... but wouldnt it be totally ludicrious... .  on a side note it sounds like hes read or taken some very poorly written or expressed "how to get your ex back"... .  the trick is seeing you in person retriggers you unbeknownst yourself... if he were to touch you in anyway youd be screwed with emotions... .  be assured it would be a facade and a mask... he wouldnt be magically better... only acting... .  ive been down this road... .  stay strong... let your gut guide you and ignore your fickle and wounded heart... good luck

[ambi]

TemptingFate - he's not done yet.  There will be more attempts to contact, more emails. Whatever this Saturday thing involves, he anticipates it will make you happy and so does the mutual friend.   TemptingFate.  This is tempting fate, isn't it?  

[willy45]

Funny... .  along the Shutter Island lines... .  

At one point, after about 2 months of the breakup, my ex went to therapy. She went for 3 sessions. She told me she didn't like the therapist so quit. But, her major breakthrough was to figure out that I was bipolar and that explained all my major ups and downs. That is what she figured out. It was nothing about her rages, her cheating, her abuse. The reason for our breakup was that I was bipolar. And man, did that mess with my head. Still does, a bit. I went to see two different therapists who specialize in bipolar to get some answers. And no, I am not bipolar. I was just struggling to figure out a) who she was since she would be one person one day and another person another... .  actually, that is generous... .  she would be one person one minute (super loving, tender, kind) and another person another minute (raging, angry, depressed). I told her that I had gone to see specialists in bipolar. She told me: "Isn't that the clearest example of you being bipolar?" She then made fun of me for spending all this money on therapy and told me that she didn't need it to get through the breakup.

So... .  that is my story. She was so heavily invested in not looking at her own behavior or understanding it that her big breakthrough that she just HAD to tell me was that I was mentally ill. Good times. Am I perfect? No. Do I have baggage. Sure. Do I have feelings? Of course. Does this make me a human being? YES! Should a relationship include the leeway to have feelings, to struggle with things, to get upset when your 'partner' is raging at you in the middle of the night? YES!

Not sure if this story helps, but might be a cautionary tale. I know for me that there is a pull to see behind the curtain and to see if she has come to any sane conclusions or done any introspection or come close to healing. That is a HUGE pull for me. I keep thinking she will one day come to the conclusion that her behavior was out of line, that is was abusive, and that she is working to change. I keep thinking that. Why? I am heavily invested in the fantasy of her. Not her. She will never do that. She doesn't have that capacity. And it has only been recently that I've figured this out. Asking her to understand herself, apologize, and make credible steps towards healing is like asking a color blind person to see blue when they can't. It is like trying to explain the color blue and getting upset that they just can't. The problem then lies in me. I need to accept that she doesn't have that capacity and that she never will. And I need to value myself and accept that her not having that capacity is not something I want to live with. I need to love myself enough to value my perceptions, value my judgement, and value my own self-worth.

It sounds like you are well on your way in this regards. To not get sucked in to looking behind the curtain and hoping to see something that you KNOW doesn't exist and will NEVER exist. Good for you.

[exbpdgf]

Ive found out the hard way that even the best of people can get "sucked" into my ex BPDgf's "fog". I had such an experience yesterday. Every time I've even considered any sort of info, I've always regretted it. And I've been sucked in on several occasions in the past year.

My ex is a pro at telling people what they want to hear. I've learned that just because I trust someone, I absolutely cannot confuse this with trusting anything they say about my EX. Regardless of who says what,  I have to stay NC. My sense (just from what you've written) is that your friend has been unwittingly sucked into some such charm offensive by a dangerous person.

[willy45]

TemptingFate... .  

How did your Saturday go?

J.

[myself]

TemptingFate, that is YOUR Saturday, to do with whatever you feel.

It's HIS Saturday, too. Hope he makes the best of it without you.

Don't slip back into the FOG, you're thinking clearly now.

Being NC, you don't need to respond.

He already got the message.

You're done.

[gina louise]

tempting fate,

TRIANGLES mean LOOK OUT. (in road signs... .  right?)

and he tossed two of them at you with two people.

don't engage. he's lonely. let him be.

consider it a huge favor to yourself.

My stbxBPDh still texts me his dreams. funny huh? nothing much else.

GL

[Yolo]

Thank you all for your input once again….

I responded to his request to see him next Saturday early yesterday after I wrote here.  I told him that  didn’t think a face to face was a good idea and it wasn’t because I detested him or was still hurt/angry.  It also wasn’t because I was afraid of him or that he’d be mean or spiteful.

I said I question why face to face was so necessary... that I wasn’t ready for a friendship or even knowing about his life right now, and that I was open to very limited contact via email. And by limited I mean limited.

Then I said it was very brave of him to reach out and kind to wish me well, I appreciated his strength and that I really do wish him well too.

His response was : I completely understand your reservations. If I were in your shoes I can appreciate that I would feel  exactly the same.  Please rest assured that this has nothing to do with resolving some old matter between us, me reaching out to form a friendship, beginning limited contact, my obtaining reassurance, a need to express something left unsaid, or to simply make me feel better.  All those things could be done quiet easily via email.  This is not a ploy to say what could be said over the phone or email, but to just do so in person instead.   I love you very much and would not want to do anything to jeopardize your peace of mind.

I do a good job of just letting that sit for several hours.

Then his gal pal again: “I would not encourage you to see him if I didn’t think it was important that you do. Please just go. You won’t be sorry.”

So, I just lay off any responses and go out to dinner with two of my friends (different from the one that got that FB message earlier this week).  Both of these friends have very different personalities.  We talked about it for hours.  They actually thought I should go, though they were very annoyed at the fact he just won’t go away.

Rationale:  If I don’t go I will be curious as to what this "thing" is that both he and his friend are tight lipped about.  It may eat at me.  [True].  If I don’t go, I’ll be looking over my shoulder waiting for him to show up at my home or work…if he’s desperate to see me he can make that happen (he’s done it before in a prior break up).  I don’t handle surprises like that well, that was part of the issue in the relationship was constantly being taken off guard.  If I go it’s controlled, I know when and where it is going to happen.  My friends also noted that at 4 months, I still seem overly concerned about bumping into him while we are out and about…that I restrict where us girls go based on what I know of his kid schedule, and that this might be a good way to “Face my Fear” and realize he isn’t so big and scary.   Since the last interaction was bad, maybe to put me at ease about the bumping into scenario.

Then we speculated as to what this could possibly be, and we all do think that it’s possible he hit rock bottom and realized he’s messed up and will be pursuing therapy.  We all agreed for HIM this would be HUGE.  For him to admit he has issues and intends to work on them? Huge, and sometimes doesn’t happen for some until people hit the bottom.  That would make sense why his gal pal is so persistent in her ‘encouragement’.  She certainly has hung out with him enough to see he has issues.  I think she also knew he could treat me like crap, and even “came to my rescue” a couple times.

So like PnC said, I need to figure out where I stand.  I feel like I know I will NEVER get back into that relationship the way that was.  The trust is too far gone and even the thought of it makes me queasy.  The only thing that would give me pause is if he is seeking help, but he has to do that on his own, for himself not me.  So I can not re-enter that relationship just based on that scenario.  I might start to consider it way down the  line after commitment has been demonstrated, and that is IF I’m still available.  I can’t continue to work on my issues with him (or anyone) in my life.  Same with him.

So I wrote him after considering all I know, all the input from my friends on the forum, and my two girlfriends and decided….drumroll… to go ahead and see him.

I know, I know…potentially a bad move, and a test of my resolve, but I do want to make an attempt to be mature about this.  I don’t feel like I’m just going to melt at the sight of him.  Towards the end of the relationship, I didn’t really want to be around him at all.  I just don’t think he could possibly say anything to reverse my aversion to him in general. 

I feel like I know him too well now, and know enough to stay strong. 

When I wrote him, I told him I couldn’t do next Saturday, but maybe Sunday but he needed to understand that that relationship had become highly dysfunctional and toxic (once again) and that I will not be returning to it.  Sometimes love does not conquer all …in our case it made us very sick.  That I didn’t want to discuss it, but he needs to understand this is not going to be some Hollywood style reunion, that I am not convinced anything good will come at meeting in person, but would like for each of us to be at peace.  As long as he understood that I could do 3:30 next Sunday at a coffeeshop.

I did this to set his expectations correctly, that I don’t have an intention of reconciling with him.

He responded:  Perfect. I will see you in seven days and seven hours.  I so want to write and write and write you more, but I will leave what needs to be said for my opportunity then to speak to you in person.  Thank you for trusting me to come and listen. Until then….

So there you have it guys.   Guess I’m about to get tested…at least I’m fairly certain he will leave me alone for the next week.  I’m at peace with it, not nervous at all because I do believe I’m resolved.   I just don’t think there is any ‘in-love-ness’ left, I don’t feel the same way about him.  I do think my path will be less  encumbered if he is at peace.  Although there is a chance he could throw a curve ball at me…I think I’ve thought of all the likely scenarios, and if him entering therapy is what he wants to tell me, I know I can be supportive of that, and also stand firm that we need to take these journeys separately and if fate would have it in the cards for us, maybe we can talk in several months.

Am I doing this for him or doing this for me?…I feel like I’m doing this for me.  I’m curious as all hell to figure out what this ‘thing’ is…he and his gal pal have done a great job of setting up some massive mystery.  [Curiosity killed the cat? Hope not!]  I know he does not have some mystical power over me…I’ve already been disenchanted.  I know he can not make me go back into the relationship, I have power over that.  I can not be recycled if I don’t allow it, and I won’t, I simply can’t, I’d more have to FORCE myself to get recycled than FORCE  myself to turn away.

[seeking balance]

We are not done until we are done - this is something you want to do.

If I were in your shoes - I would brush up on the staying board lessons.  Make sure you are comfortable with communication tools and clearly identify your boundaries prior to going and what you will do if  a bounday is crossed.  Having a strategy will help you.

I have been on these boards for a while... .  lessons are learned many ways and one thing for sure - the emotional journey you are going on by engaging in this will give you lessons and you will have a clear gage on where you are in your own detachment process.

Good luck!

[Seahorse1]

What if he tells you he is getting married?

Just putting it out there as you know how these people can be... .  

I never understand why people can't just say what ever it is they want to say... .  If I had something important to tell them I would tell them ASAP even if that meant over the phone... .  

[seeking balance]

What if he tells you he is getting married?

Just as likely - grand jesture wanting to marry Tempting Fate

[trouble11]

Good luck TemptingFate.  I would be shaking like a leaf.  I'm coming up on the 4 month mark and starting to get text.  I know they're all different, but mine runs in four month cycles like clockwork.  Weird.

[myself]

TemptingFate, Even though I'd still say don't go, it's brave of you to do so and I wish you well. As long as you're not giving away your power by doing so, which it sounds like you're not doing. It helped me in some ways to see my ex again (we didn't agree to meet, though, she just showed up). I saw she wasn't 18 feet tall towering over me with madness in her eyes and sharp teeth (well, at least she's not that tall). The only sense of closure I got from it was seeing the disorder in action some more, showing me it's best to stay away. I saw things had changed: For Me. Other than that I just felt sorry for her.

Being "curious what his 'thing' is" could be a hook he's using to draw you in. What about the next time he has a 'thing' he feels he has to share? Will you meet him then, or not? Having seen it this time around, you may not need to, but what if it's another 'thing'? So much of these relationships revolve around the patterns. Be careful which ones you step back into, and which you help create. Read between the lines of his response, too:

HE: "Perfect. I will see you in seven days and seven hours.  I so want to write and write and write you more, but I will leave what needs to be said for my opportunity then to speak to you in person.  Thank you for trusting me to come and listen. Until then…."

Nothing's ever 'perfect'. He has this timed down to the very hour. He'd earlier said he's not trying to reconnect, yet he could 'write and write and write more'. He's getting another chance (that he may not deserve, that's up to you) and he's running with it. It's all about him. He thanks you for trusting him because he knows he hasn't proven trustworthy to you and you're nervous to even be around him now. He sees he's getting his way. 'Until then... .  ' sounds like you're already in his web and it's just a matter of time until... .  Whatever he has up his sleeve. Looks like you'll find out soon enough.

Sorry. Too many times around the block with this kind of stuff. Too many tricks and times it was supposed to go one way but it went another. Again, good luck with this, but it's probably just an attempt to reel you back in somehow, and it could have been done by email (or NOT AT ALL) instead of getting you worked up and going through it.

Maybe he'll see firsthand YOUR important new 'thing', as well. Your Freedom.

[ambi]

I'd have agreed to go, too, just because I'd always wonder about it.  At the same time, though, I don't understand the secrecy/cryptic aspect to it.   Wouldn't other people preface this so you had a small clue about it?  That's the part that makes it feel like a game of sorts.  

And then the 7 days and 7 hours thing - that really sounds like a recycle kind of phrase. 

I'm sure everyone's advice is the smartest course of action, but I get why you're going. 

I hope all goes well.  

[HardTruth]

Hi TF.  I think it's manipulative that whatever it is is a big secret.  And all the things he said - I don't want to hurt you or hurt your peace of mind - ... .  bull___.  He has already shown that his feelings and desires come first.  Whatever he wants to meet about, it's something that he wants for HIMSELF. 

I think that often BPD's don't intentionally do things to hurt us, but they do as a result of acting on their impulses, fears of abandonment/engulfment, etc.  I don't think they know HOW to truly keep YOUR interest in mind. 

Perhaps he thinks that whatever is good for him is good for you.  How often in the past was he even able to put himself in your shoes and act from that place?  My guess is that he's not doing that now.

Personally, I probably would have told him that I would consider meeting him after he told me what the topic of the meeting was.  If he was unable to tell me the topic, I would say, Sorry, can't meet you then. 

Honestly, what is the big secret?  It's just a bunch of drama, I'm guessing. 

One of my exNPDbf's did that to me.  "Oh, it's so urgent, it's so urgent! Must see you right now!"  I had a big test coming up that I was studying for - "Oh, it won't take long".  Lies lies.  So I met him, and guess what?  He proposed to me!  Got on one knee, the whole thing.  I was dating someone else at the time, that I was totally in love with.  He had just hit a wall and couldn't stand to see me happy with the new guy and wanted to steal me back.  Disgusting.  And yes, it wasn't a short event.  Took 2-3 hours out of my precious studying time!  But, surprise surprise, it is always about HIM. 

I think somehow he thought I would drop everything when he said the magical words "love" and "marriage".  Nope.  I'd rather get an A on my test... .  :P

Anyway, just my 2 cents.  Good luck to you on Sat

[exbpdgf]

Yeah, I gotta say to me it sounds like he's manipulating again-he used any way he could  to get at you. To me, his "trump" card was your curiosity. Even if he tells you he's getting help, he's got a long road ahead of him. Even if he tells you he's joining the seminary, the peace corp, won the lottery or is getting married, i hear danger danger!

[Yolo]

One of my gal pals spent the night with me, then we hung out at my place just shooting the breeze all day and 80% was not about this situation, so it wasn't like I was all frantic obsessing about it and having to talk about this for an entire weekend.  I've had dinner with friends, chatted about it, moved on to their lives... .  it's been good.

BUT, as HT said, not wanting to disturb my peace... that is BS, because he already has. 

Bottom line... .  this is ridiculous. We have been broken up for 4 months and then as Gina L said the surprise ambush, and that is what it felt like! By him, and his gal pal who he knew I still highly respected.

Sad she probably doesn't even realize she's been manipulated, she probably feels like she is doing the best thing for him and for me.

He is good in changing his pattern completely... .  and I mean... I thought I could anticipate, but he messed that rubix cube up so much that I've become disoriented again.

But the fact is... .  his gal pal and himself gave it away. If they wanted to guarantee I'd be there they would have never revealed that it wasn't something horrible... .  someone dying, some residual ickiness I needed to be made aware of (STD), some bull I'd be pulled into just by being involved with him for almost 4 yrs (legal).  So if they wanted to be sure I'd be there, they would have been smart enough to make sure I thought this was a very severe negative thing that should be discussed in person.  It was a flaw to try to keep me in by saying it's nothing bad at all.

Guess that depends on perspective, because good for him (or even in the exMutual friend's mind) is NOT good for me.

I do not want to hurt myself, and I do not want to hurt him.  If this is about reconciliation, that is not going to happen.  He should not put himself through it... .  and I kind of dread having to tell him "no" again especially if he becomes emotional.  If it is about him being so proud as to tell me he's "seen the light... I'm messed up and going to therapy!"... .  it will still be sad because I will still have to walk away... .  for a considerable amount of time.  If it is he has 'news' about his life, I don't even want to hear anything about it... gone out of my way not to hear it or care about it.

The potential "good", I think, may not be a good experience for him or for me. It all points to me needing to walk away, and to do that face to face... .  UGH!

I thought about Seahorse's response and thought UGHHH! Well I don't want to hear that! Like we've been out for 4 months and I don't need him rubbing that in my face, I've avoided info about his life for that reason... .  but can see why something like that 'might' validate a face to face?  Then SeekingBalance and HardTruth... .  what if he is thinking to propose... .  UGH! That'd be horrible!  I care for him, I've loved him, but I just know I'd have to say 'no'... .  omg, just awful to imagine because I'd love to say yes to Dr. Jekyll, and no to Mr. Hyde.

Anyway... .  I've tried to warn him that I'm not happy about going and that that relationship was toxic. I don't see any good coming from face to face and that I'm very reluctant to go, but want peace. 

The reality is that IF this isn't something 'bad', then there is no reason for me to go... .  we are over. It is done. I'm not going back.  Having some scene in person will just be hurtful to both of us.

So... plan of action.  I don't think he will actually be able to keep from contacting me for a whole week.  When he does ping me, I do think that I will tell him that I feel like it would be fair for him to give me more information as to what I'm walking into on Sunday... at least give me a clue if he feels like email is not appropriate, but that I should not have to walk in blind... .  or as Hard Truth said,  I won't walk in at all.

That is reasonable. I am no longer obligated. We are supposed to be moving on... .  so... .  I don't owe him anything.

Anyway, sister calling! Probably to give her 2 cents as well... .  

I thank you all... .  and kind of thank the Ex for giving me a week look at this with my friends to see what it is. Thank you, guys!   

[myself]

If it's really over, you don't even need a clue.

My ex has been fishing lately, too. Can't catch what isn't there.

He's not being honest with you. Make sure you are (sounds like you are).

[Thyrsos]

Sticky spot... .  

In the words of Admiral Ackbar: "It's a trap!" 

I guess I'm lucky my exBPDgf painted me so black I will never hear from her again.

I do not envy you, or anyone, who has to deal with this soulripping behavior.

Wish you the best!

"May the force be with you!" 

[BleedsOrange]

"I would write you and write you and write you more... .  "

You think he thinks this isnt a movie-style reunion? That's some pretty smarmy crap right there. Brace yourself. Oh, and yeah best ceckity check the staying boards so you are SURE you can keep your head straight no matter what comes about.