What makes a BPD turn to therapy?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's clear to me that explaining to a BPD that they have a disorder is counterproductive.

However, in various places is mentioned that there are proven therapies out there.

What again causes a BPD to seek and accept help?

Does the non play any role in that?

Thanks

[tryingtogetit]

It's clear to me that explaining to a BPD that they have a disorder is counterproductive.

However, in various places is mentioned that there are proven therapies out there.

What again causes a BPD to seek and accept help?

Does the non play any role in that?

Thanks

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[soma]

well... i am no so sure of that... maybe they need to understand thier case... and thier illness

but then again its hard to break the news to them telling them hey u have mental illness... as they would feel offended and defensive... will tell u that they r not crazy and they will be really aggressive

i have bf who i believe he is BPD... i didn't tell him abt what i think... but he know something wrong with him... and at least he have depression... so i asked him to give me gift... he said i 'd give u anything u ask for... i said "go to shrink so you can feel better maybe give u some meds to feel better" actually i thought he will act angry to that suggestion... but he agreed... like ok... but never give me certain date and time that he will go... its just promise... till now he never did it... but when i said why u didn't give me my gift... he said i am too busy lately i don't have time to go to shrink,... .  i don't know... i know its just excuses... but i am going to make him go anyway ... wish me luck with that

and good luck for u with whatever u r dealing with

[Rockylove]

I don't know if I would suggest seeking therapy to my bf.  He has such a negative view of himself now that if he were to think there was yet one more thing to add to his list of flaws, he wouldn't handle it well.  I've not hidden the book I was reading (Stop Walking on Eggshells) but I didn't flaunt it in his face either.  I don't flaunt this site, but it's not hidden either.  He is home all day while I'm at work (he's retired) and has access to my computer... .  if he chooses to look and see what I've been up to, he can.  I worried about all of that at first because I feared what he might do if he found out, but in truth he's been quite lovely recently and more communicative.  He's even told me that he realizes he's got anger issues.  I find all of this positive, but it still doesn't mean that he would respond well to "labeling" and he may never seek therapy, but awareness and admission of an issue is the 1st step in recovery (at least that's what they told me in AlAnon) so I'm hopeful. 

[elemental]

My BPD knows he has problems. Bad ones. A few months ago he took up a hobby and joined a new social group and he told me, as he was getting ready to go spend time with his new friends that soon, they wouldn't like him because he would mess it all up again.

I have asked him to see someone, but he gets really stern and says " a man takes care of his own problems".

He won't go.

[almost789]

They have a very difficult time facing they have a mental disorder. At the same time many of them know something is not right about them. Mine did and many others do too. It is a catch 22. Accepting there is something wrong, going to therapy, digging up all the pain scares the living crap out of them, they don't want to deal with it. Their defenses kick in, they actually feel a sense of dying, like a panic attack so they retreat when you bring up any such thing and deny.

Alot of the literature says a non can't get a BPD to therapy. This is true to some extent. Just like anything else, it has to come from within the BPD. They have to want it. Not just the non. A BPD in denial meaning they know somethings wrong but they won't do it, is a losing cause. A BPD on the verge who seems somewhat willing to get to therapy could use some advice on what to do and where to go. They are mentally disturbed after all. The desire has to come from within them. The help in finding the right treatment and therapist comes from people who love them.

For all the naysayers who say a non can do nothing, if you don't believe me, look at member HighfunctioningBPDw intro post. She says her husband forced her into therapy she, got diagnosed and has accepted and is working on it. I've seen other cases same thing. TAmi Green who is a cured BPD and speaks nationally and politically on the subject says she needed help from the people who loved her, she needed treatment options, she needed help, she couldnt get out of bed and if she can't do that how   was she going to find herself a therapist.

I think the saying that a non can do nothing is more in regards to the fact that if they refuse, if they deny, if they don't want help. There is nothing you can do and I do believe that.

[cartman1]

This is my way of seeing it. It's not up to us to be telling people they have Borderline Personality Disorder. For a start even fully trained, qualified and experienced therapists can make wrong diagnoses. Most don't even make a diagnosis as they just look at the persons traits or 'beliefs' these beliefs are connected to our emotions so anger can be triggered by a 'belief' this is what the therapist looks for and treats.

For me I changed the words a little to help explain to my wife when she asked if she was weird because she asks quite often. 'Personality' I used 'beliefs' instead and 'disorder' I used the words 'learned wrong.'

So when I answered I said "When we are growing up we learn our beliefs, our core beliefs. These build our personality and our values in life. Often peoples beliefs are learned wrong and we can act inappropriately or feel some emotions a little too strong. A therapist can really help us with these."

If she asks again I will answer again in a similar fashion. But I don't need to give her a label. I don't try to push her either as this can actually have the opposite effect. What I do is take care of myself, enjoy my life and my hobbies. Living with someone with a mental illness can give us 'fleas' if we don't take good care of ourselves and learning the tools on this forum really helps with learning boundaries.

[waverider]

The biggest impact partners can have is actually the opposite. In other words we can try so hard to help that we enable them to avoid owning issues and hence reduce the chance of them reaching their own conclusion that some sort of T would be helpful.

Best thing you can do is not engage in drama, do not let them readily project issues onto you. Let them attempt self soothing, and when they cant achieve this you stand a better chance of them seeking professional help out of their own choice.

This wont guarantee anything, but it will increase the chances. Ultimately the desire needs to come from them. You just have to let them feel the need.

[TigerEye]

In a way I guess I've been lucky because my pwBPD is very accepting of the fact that she has BPD, to the point where we can sit and discuss (at the right time - ie, when she brings it up!) certain elements of the behaviours and the consequences. I have found that the communication skills learnt here and I am now trying to employ (still very much in early stages - sometimes I get it right, other times, not so) I believe that she takes my efforts to understand the disorder (by reading and taking on all I can from this site) in a positive way. She has said on a few occasions recently that no one before has taken the opportunity to understand her.

Having said that, there were many, many years before we got together when she lived with the chaos that BPD brought to her life before the diagnosis was given. She tells me that she knew there was something wrong, but without an explanation there was little she could do about it. It took many years with various Ts before someone finally gave her condition a name, and a possible outcome, and now it is that that is driving her forward into treatment.

So in my case, it definitely came from her, she displays the want and the desire to be a better person, I can only support her and hope for a positive outcome in the long term.

On the matter of words, her current T uses Emotional Dysregulation rather than BPD, something my SO is dismissive of, she prefers BPD!

[tryingtogetit]

Thanks for all the responses. And yes, I do get that, labelling is like a red flag!

Was just wondering what drove some to therapy anyway.

As always, it will depend on the person.

I like the explanation that if they're forced to live with their emotions (not being able to project them on someone)  they might well strugle with them which might make them seek help in time.

Good thought

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi, in my case I tried for a few months to nudge him into "seeing someone to learn to cope with his temper". I had a strong suspicion he had BPD but didn't say so. I would typically ask him after he had had a big rage crisis and then calmed down and excusing himself because I was crying. I asked maybe four-five times over a period of four months. I didn't understand at the time that whatever promise he made was just made out of his momentary need to calm me down or pull me back in. Of course, each time a few days would pass and then he would vehemently refuse to have anything to do with it. The last time I listed a few of the criteria for BPD and said that those where traits I saw in him and asked what he thought about it. He agreed that it was an accurate description of him. I said those are some of the criteria for BPD, we talked a little and he promised to "see someone" after the summer holiday.

Then I found this site, I stopped pushing him, instead starting seeing a psychologist myself. He, as expected, didn't start seeing a qualified therapist. He had one or two wish-wash appointments with a relaxation-coach but didn't follow through. Then I had a particularly upsetting session where I came out shaking and feeling like throwing up, my BPDbf wanted to know what had happened and I told him she said that our relationship is dangerous for me and my health and that I should seriously consider leaving. After that he went online and read about BPD, came with me to see my therapist, got a qualified psychologist for himself and has been committed to going to his appointments since.

[almost789]

Its a touchy subject for sure. I have approached my pwBPD a few times. Both indirectly and directly. He seems to react better to the indirect statements which somewhat touch on his disorder, but aren't direct. At times I have gotten angry about his actions and confronted him in a very direct way about his projection and possible disorder he retreats then and says he wants absolutely nothing to do with the subject. But its those times when I approach him indirectly and he kind of moves in a bit which lead me to believe he does think he needs help and does have a problem. Elemental made the statement about approaching a cat and ironically it seems kind of true. Gently, and slowly and indirectly.

[hithere]

What again causes a BPD to seek and accept help?

Does the non play any role in that?

I was able to get my exBPD to go to one appointment, I didn't force her but it was one of the criteria of us trying to stay together.  She said it went Ok, but she never went back.

BPD itself keeps them from going to get help because part of getting help is admitting you have a problem and people with BPD spend tons of energy to avoid facing this problem.

She also said at one point, what is the use of admitting I have BPD since there is no cure.

[Auspicious]

In my wife's case, it took repeated hospitalizations, repeated diagnoses of BPD in the hospital, and finally me saying that I couldn't live the way we were living anymore - that we needed to separate unless she started appropriate treatment (DBT, in our case).

[SunflowerFields]

In my exBF's case, it was a gradual process. Started  with a meltdown after our first major breakup, when he was first diagnosed with depression and put on meds. As things between us progressed, after each subsequent breakup initiated by me, he would spiral back into a worse depression; we would get back together, he would pull himself together, and seek further treatment. But it was really when he started his divorce proceedings from his ex wife, he began drinking again, and and during back and forth between me and her, he hit a new low. It was this low that prompted him to check himself in for a real assessment. That's when he was diagnosed BPD.

He began therapy but quit shortly after we broke up (and he had a new r/s in place)

Later on, he told me that a few months later he went into a detox facility for a month.

His therapy efforts, to the best of my knowledge, remained sporadic and he did not manage to stay in it long enough for it to have significant results.

[mitti]

Best thing you can do is not engage in drama, do not let them readily project issues onto you. Let them attempt self soothing, and when they cant achieve this you stand a better chance of them seeking professional help out of their own choice.

How do we not let them project on us? I find this very tricky with my pwBPD. He projects and accuses me of his own behaviors and I have no idea how to deal with it. It just makes any reasoning pointless because I can't argue with that, and yes, it seems he uses projection as a means to avoid dealing with his own issues. Despite this he is quite willing to seek help, but I am not completely sure he would not go there and claim that it is my behavior that is disordered.

[Manager32]

My likely BPDgf/friend has been in and out of therapy of some sort over the last couple of years, but  if she's received a formal diagnosis, I'm not aware of it.  She describes her issues in pretty standard BPD terminology (says she's impulsive and does whatever she thinks will be fun or good at the moment without any thought about how it will affect herself or anyone else, has severe abandonment issues, and has trouble controlling her emotions when she's not on her meds).  I know she's been prescribed Paxil by a T, which does a really good job of helping her keep her emotions regulated. She's like a completely different person when shes on her meds as opposed to when she isn't.

I talked to her about how I've overcome a lot of my past issues (This was before I had ever heard of BPD.  I know she and I have been through a lot of the same types of things, but she's had to deal with much more of it and it was much more severe for her than it was for me).  She wanted to know how I'd done it, and I told her that it was an individual journey for everyone, but that she needed to find a good T and stick with them.  She made an appointment to start back with her T after that, but I don't know if she ever followed through with it, as we fell out with each other shortly after that and are only recently back on good terms again.  I'm hoping to see if I can find out if she's back in therapy when the proper moment presents itself.

[losingconfidence]

My understanding is that a pwBPD turns to therapy when s/he realizes there is literally no other way for him/her to deal with his/her problems. Often it's an issue of needing to swallow their pride, which is very difficult at times.

[waverider]

Best thing you can do is not engage in drama, do not let them readily project issues onto you. Let them attempt self soothing, and when they cant achieve this you stand a better chance of them seeking professional help out of their own choice.

How do we not let them project on us? I find this very tricky with my pwBPD. He projects and accuses me of his own behaviors and I have no idea how to deal with it. It just makes any reasoning pointless because I can't argue with that, and yes, it seems he uses projection as a means to avoid dealing with his own issues. Despite this he is quite willing to seek help, but I am not completely sure he would not go there and claim that it is my behavior that is disordered.

Disengage as soon as this behavior starts, they are trying to hand you their baggage, but you need to take hold of it for it to work. a projection that gets no reaction does not give them the fix they desire.

Continuity and real commitment, despite promises, is a huge problem with BPD across the board. All to do with lack of continuity of feelings and priorities. Hence endless recycling dramas and inability to lean. Its almost as if they are unlearning as quick as they learn

[WhatTheFrank]

After my gf and I separated (had been dating over a year at the time), I sought out therapy to help myself recover from such a confusing/draining relationship.  We started seeing each other again, then all the same patterns started repeating themselves.  I basically broke down and told her that I couldn't handle the stress of the relationship and I had to leave for my own health.  She begged for a second chance for her to start her own therapy and time for adjustment.  It's been 5 months and things have been improving - it definitely was a tough time when she first started.  The past two and a half months have been minimal conflict (even with the holidays!), no supernovas.  I started an antidepressant in December that helps my crushing anxiety (I would literally be shaking from our arguments) and things have gotten even better.

[CodependentHusband]

My dBPDw is in full-blown denial right now. After much pain in trying to effect a change, it now seems crystal clear here that the non's role is simply to support the pwBPD in any way the pwBPD asks them to. With that said, it's important to point out that the pwBPD has to drive this. Trying to 'make' them seek treatment, in and of itself, has been proven time and time again to be ineffective.

As Aus pointed out, we have a choice to leave if they do not seek treatment, but we can't play that card unless we are fully prepared to leave. Less than 10% of pwBPD will go to therapy, and fewer than that will stick with it for any significant amount of time. Anything more than a simple one-time request tends to add unneeded stress to the already strained non, with the pwBPD's condition going untreated and the relationship further damaged.

[losingconfidence]

Therapy needs to be something the person with BPD has seen presented in a positive, non-stigmatizing light. Sometimes the problem is that therapy gets viewed as something to punish them rather than help them and they become afraid to try it. Make sure any therapist you look for is experienced with BPD or at least non-judgmental. A therapist needs to be a safe person for the pwBPD who can handle rage and upset appropriately while maintaining firm boundaries. My best friend with BPD tendencies turned to therapy because her doctor recommended it to supplement headache treatments and so it was viewed as part of improving a situation she wanted to change versus "you done messed up."