My promise to myself

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After I came out of a 15 year marriage with my ex. Then four years of basically little dating. I met my pwBPDudw. It was a whirlwind affair.

I had made myself a promise when I got into this relationship. I would work harder than I ever had before because I wanted this to work. I focused intently on my wife. All the stories she told me about her past were shocking. I had no way to respond. I always listened and held her and told her I loved her. What more could I do?

I paid attention to her needs. I wanted to do this because I knew she hurt. I knew all her past relationships failed miserably. I knew I could be there for her each time she asked me to be there.

I focused on each and every moment because I wanted to be in the moment, be present, experience life to the fullest. Create great memories that would last a life time. I drank it all up and savored every little moment together.

I had a second chance and I was not going to blow it.

All these things I told her. Should I have? I don't think it would have mattered. I think I was ripe for the picking. Although, I still cannot believe MY wife, who did years of therapy, Al-anon, AA, retreats, you name it, she did it. In the name of self awareness and growth. She had to be healthy! She had done so much work. Or did she? She certainly told me she did.

One of the last therapy sessions we had, she brought up how she was afraid to do things for herself for fear I would be upset. I had heard this so many times in the past. The thing is, I never got upset. I would get upset when she said this. But never upset when she wanted to self care. Why would that be upsetting to me? I always wanted and needed her to take care of herself.

When I look back and think about all SHE did supposedly in self care, I wonder? I experienced her doing some work. But never at the level of what she held me accountable for. I had to do work otherwise she always held the ax over my head threatening to end the relationship. And 2 times, she ended it with the excuse, I was not doing enough work.

During this current split, she texted me at one point, she could care less how mad I was and it was sick of me to throw back in her face about all the work I had done and how I was blaming all the work I did on myself was such a waste now the marriage is over. I went through each and every email and text I sent her, and not only did I never say that; I actually thanked her for exposing me to so many new experiences in self help.

Ugh, will I ever understand? I suppose it matters little.

[spaceace]

After I came out of a 15 year marriage with my ex. Then four years of basically little dating. I met my pwBPDudw. It was a whirlwind affair.

I had made myself a promise when I got into this relationship. I would work harder than I ever had before because I wanted this to work. I focused intently on my wife. All the stories she told me about her past were shocking. I had no way to respond. I always listened and held her and told her I loved her. What more could I do?

I paid attention to her needs. I wanted to do this because I knew she hurt. I knew all her past relationships failed miserably. I knew I could be there for her each time she asked me to be there.

I focused on each and every moment because I wanted to be in the moment, be present, experience life to the fullest. Create great memories that would last a life time. I drank it all up and savored every little moment together.

I had a second chance and I was not going to blow it.

All these things I told her. Should I have? I don't think it would have mattered. I think I was ripe for the picking. Although, I still cannot believe MY wife, who did years of therapy, Al-anon, AA, retreats, you name it, she did it. In the name of self awareness and growth. She had to be healthy! She had done so much work. Or did she? She certainly told me she did.

One of the last therapy sessions we had, she brought up how she was afraid to do things for herself for fear I would be upset. I had heard this so many times in the past. The thing is, I never got upset. I would get upset when she said this. But never upset when she wanted to self care. Why would that be upsetting to me? I always wanted and needed her to take care of herself.

When I look back and think about all SHE did supposedly in self care, I wonder? I experienced her doing some work. But never at the level of what she held me accountable for. I had to do work otherwise she always held the ax over my head threatening to end the relationship. And 2 times, she ended it with the excuse, I was not doing enough work.

During this current split, she texted me at one point, she could care less how mad I was and it was sick of me to throw back in her face about all the work I had done and how I was blaming all the work I did on myself was such a waste now the marriage is over. I went through each and every email and text I sent her, and not only did I never say that; I actually thanked her for exposing me to so many new experiences in self help.

Ugh, will I ever understand? I suppose it matters little.

[Rose Tiger]

I was uber committed to this relationship going in.  I probably stayed way past what was healthy for me.  I went with every option that I could find to help it survive.  It irritates me that he did go to individual counselling but he used it to perfect his false self!  He has a convincing act.  The counselor never got to see any of the disorder.  What a waste, for ex, for the counselor.  He used that time to convince the counselor of a lot of untruths about me.  That is mean, that is a cruel thing for a spouse to do.

Unless they commit to therapy, long term, these relationships are tragic.  It really doesn't matter what you said, they will twist things no matter how clearly you stated your view.  If they believe it, and they are enmeshed with you, they believe with all their being that you feel the same.  How can something(you) that is a 'part of them' have a differing opinion?  If they hate something, so do you, if they like something, so do you.  They are enmeshed. 

It's of little bonus right now, but down the road, you'll be glad of the self work you did.  I mean, you may feel glad now but later when you reflect about it, you'll think, that is something she can never take away from you. 

[myself]

Yes, feel proud and good about the work you have put in on yourself. Sharing that, and focusing some of what you've learned towards a healthier relationship was very kind of you. Whether you are with someone or not, that work will be paying off and already is.