What to do about her enabler "Friends"?

[TigerEye]

Now that I am getting a better understanding of how this all works I am seeing that my BPDSO's social circle, which is quite large, is basically made up of enablers.

Most of them have drink/drug issues of their own and are happy to have my SO involved at any opportunity, they have never seen the negative sides of her behaviours as a problem, it's just her being her.

She has told a few about her diagnosis, but like me before I took it on board, they don't see that they are not helping the situation, some blatantly don't care.

I can't tell my SO who she should avoid, and with her strong attachment to her friends, how do I deal with this situation?

Any advice gratefully received.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tryingtogetit]

Hi tiger

You're a very caring SO for taking the effort to learn and stand by.

In general, I think, the answer is not to try too hard to make her life better. She will have to want that herself and put effort in herself.

We nons tend to do the work, figuring out what is wrong, learning and then try to fix things for others (blaming ourselves if somehow it doesn't get better).

Maybe the best thing to do is detach yourself a bit more. If she's not in physical danger there's no need to save her really.

In my experience one can lead by example. In my case, I worked on making myself better and working towards my life goals. That meant I had to decide to spend less time with drunks and their endless parties.

But I left my pwBPD free to go, joining to those I did enjoy.

In the end, with her tendencies and those of addicts, most of them fell by the wayside and my partner hardly ever drinks anymore (which hugely improved the condition!)

So my suggestion: stop seeing those you distrust and re-built your own life, fill it with constructive people. But let your SO go through the motions. Have faith, BPDs have a great ability to survive, although we know they tend to go the wrong way at first! 

But strength too, between BPD, alcohol and drugs there must be a lot of drama going on...

[briefcase]

Well, like you said, you really can't control who she spends her time with.  I second the advice Tryingtogetit gave you--focus yourself and and your life.  She will have to want to change, and maybe your example will help.  But even if not, you are still better off for having taken good care of yourself. 

If you want to communicate with her directly, you can explore the DEARMAN technique we recommend when you have to ask for something.  It's in the Lessons!

[blurry]

 My exuBPDgf best friend is a promiscuous drug addict with no morals (her supply of weed and typically sleeping with married men or men with gfs, and im 99pct sure she had/has stds), thats who gives her relationship advice. Before we got serious, the mere fact that this woman was her best friend, i knew/worked with her best friend for a  year and a half prior to them meeting, threw up a huge, huge red flag for me, but i ignored it. I have every single possible thing imagineable working against me in this relationship. Or non relationship, as it stands atm. I must have a screw loose sitting here checking my phone every ten minutes for a text that ill probably never get from her. On a bright note, i deleted her number out of my phone finally today.

I kept telling myself throughout the relationship to ignore her past, and not be judgemental based on her friends or past relationships, now im thinking i should increase my level of being judgemental tenfold in the future. This best friend of hers, now that i think about it, she didnt know about us the first three months, i remember thinking that once she found out and had some input, i knew it wouldnt be positive. And i know i was good to my ex, no doubt in my mind. So why wouldnt the friend be supportive, or at least neutral, towards me and my ex?

[blurry]

 Come to think of it, i remember my heart dropping a few weeks into the r/s when i found out who her bff was, i knew they had been working together for 4 years since i had left that job but didnt know how close they were, and i had such a strong feeling it wasnt gonna be good in terms of our r/s, and it proved right. Im sure in about 6 hours from now theyll both be high, drunk and talking about how great it is being single or how great the cheap sex was last night or whenever, and how horrible of a person i am.

[tryingtogetit]

Generally speaking I'd say red flags are there for a reason!

Although of course, you don't want to be holding yourself back out of unfounded fears... .  And where love/ attraction is concerned, we all could have known better at times surely!

Again, if your partner's friends don't suit you, you don't have to deal with them. Sure there might be a few occassions a year where it might seem too awkward to make your excuses. Apart from them, there's no need to be too involved if we don't want to. Instead be ourselves as good as we can.It's up to our partners then to choose where they prefer to spend their time.

Why the firends do and are the way they are is another question. Maybe they're jealous, try to keep our partners i isolation etc. But in my opinion it's a waste of our time and life to try to figure them out aswell. Time better spend figuring out ourselves and learning how to deal with a BPD in our lives.

And our question to ourselves could be: 'Why would we want to hold a relationship with someone with dramatically different drink/ drugs habits than us?'

Is it because we think we are so boring we need some instability to bring drama and passion to our lives?

There's a lesson there because often times irrational, emotionally uncontrolled behaviour is being romanticised and shown to us as a true sign of living to the full.

Believing that must be a sign we think poorly about ourselves (and therefor should focus more on ourselves)

[red pill]

As I have worked out what is going on here, I have realised that my waif hermit wife maintains friendships only with a very small number of other waif/ hermit types.

After her search and destroy mission on most of my relationships in the past two decades and my new found demand that I be allowed friends and a social life, I figure I have no right to question her on those most unhelpful friends.

She brings their opinons in as backup when making false allegations or contoling demands in marriage counseling

- Well I know lots of women who are insecure about their husband's activities.

- No, you know two, and your sisters, and most of them are divorced or wildly and obviously unhappy in their marriages; I encourage you to seek out a wider circle of friends...

I need friends and so does she. I can't force her to choose some friends who know who they are.

[TigerEye]

I guess it comes back to Radical Acceptance again, but my post was rooted in resentment. It is hard enough to keep in mind all the things I've had to learn about this disorder without people who we term as friends thinking it's fun to stir things up and cause more problems because they don't understand the result of their actions.

On the Friday before my post we were celebrating my SO's birthday with friends at the house. My SO took a call from another friend who likes nothing more than to ruffle feathers and boom, I was raged at in front of everyone (something of a surprise to many of them, they've not seen it before), the swearing and accusations came thick and fast to the point where my SO's D20 made the move to take everyone out of the house to her place so I could try and calm things down and resolve the situation.

Despite the back up of her D and others, I am still on the receiving end of anger today, she has just gone out after accusing and blaming me for everything, the fact that the friend was the cause is of no significance and she won't hear a word said against him - this is not the first time he has done this to us or others, I'm sure he gets a kick out of it.

So I'm taking this time alone to try and lift myself out of this anger and resentment, not towards my SO, but towards the friend who is sitting there with no idea of the problems he is causing us. Radical Acceptance is hard at times.

[Auspicious]

My SO took a call from another friend who likes nothing more than to ruffle feathers and boom, I was raged at in front of everyone (something of a surprise to many of them, they've not seen it before), the swearing and accusations came thick and fast to the point where my SO's D20 made the move to take everyone out of the house to her place so I could try and calm things down and resolve the situation.

It's possible that you going somewhere else for awhile might have worked better for you. Just something to consider.

Her: {rage, blah, insults}

You: I'm going for a {walk/ride/whatever}. I'll be back in awhile.  {you exit}

[TigerEye]

I was about to take a timeout when it all kicked off, SET wasn't working, boundaries around verbal abuse were being crossed. I had my coat on at the front door when her D20 came to me and said that her mum was in tears and didn't want me to go, so she would take everyone to hers so we could talk it through in private. Having been drinking in celebration of her birthday this meant my SO dysregulating in the fetal position until she fell asleep, waking sometime later as if nothing had happened.

The last 6 months have been really traumatic, there has been little stability in the house and it has been affecting everyone. I have been working hard to bring some stability back over the holidays and it has been going relatively well, I feel that it is most likely that I am tired (the last few nights sleep have been disturbed) and the frustration of the outside influences have got the better of me just now. It is just as likely that some of the rages are just projections and I need to remember that and not take it so personally.

I feel that my post is probably a venting session, I read your replies and realize I know the answer to the question - there is nothing I can do except to take care of me - posting here is part of that, next is some decent sleep! Thank you everyone for your input 

[mnwushu89]

My recent exBPDGf had a very similar social circle and a very close friend. I learned the hard way that you honestly will not be able to win. With my situation at least she would go back and forth between her friends and I with stages of idealization and non idealization. Even towards the end of our relationship with her doing therapy and it being Normal for the first time ever. We both got busy with school work life etc and all of her traits came out and her friends won. Before we went nc she told me how happy she was and how she was talking to someone else and she could actually see her friends again. All I'm trying to say is you can't do anything about her friends at least with my situation. Just expect her to go back and forth between friends and you and whatever suits her need at the time

[Seahorse1]

Aggggrrr... .  Those friends!

Tough one ... .  But I go with the " lead by example" approach... .  

When I first met my bf I took everything in visually and made certain assumptions... .  

He has a good job.

He dresses nicely

He is very clean cut

He has a beautiful home

Wow... .  On our second date he wanted to introduce me to his "friends"

It was a hell hole house with a bunch of red neck alcoholics... .  Slamming cans of bud lites faster than you could imagine... .  Foul language, foul topics of conversation... .  And some older man made sexual comments towards me!

Now I'm no prude... .  Nor am I a snob... .  I come from money, have a good education but I'm super laid back and not materialistic at all... .  But these people were a shocker!