Mirroring and Idealization

[waverider]

We have learned how pwBPD take on the interests and likes of new partners, as a result of not having a strong sense of self. This causes bonds to develop unnaturally fast. But in what other ways does this manifest itself?

My partner worked in phone sales and was very good at it for as long as she could hold a job down. The reason was she quickly mirrored whoever she was talking to and could form that "best buddies" feeling within a few sentences. I'm sure we have all fallen for sales people like this. She always quickly took on the company and genuinely believed in the speil and quality of the product she was selling, no matter how crummy it was. This I believe was the same procedure that was happening with relationship idealization. Likewise switching products, what was brilliant was now junk, and the new product line was the best ever. She wasn't just saying it she believed it.

Likewise with health issues, even BPD diagnosis itself, once she suspects something she immediately mirrors all the supposed symptoms to the extreme.

She becomes her surroundings, but can never sustain it, it is always transient. Really is like a chameleon.

I am only just recently starting to tie all these likewise traits back to that lack of self that is BPD.

I would be interested to know if others see things that could be related to this basic issue.

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[yeeter]

Other ways it manifests:

An ever changing focus of interests, hobbies, activities.  Due to chasing the interest du jour.  Often originated from other people or the environment around them.

Even careers could be affected by this.  It could come across as being interested in EVERYTHING even (jack of all trades master of none).

A subtle thing that happens for my wife - it might be more the NPD extension than BPD... .  Im not sure.  But her association to her relatives is really strong.  What I mean by that is that her father grew up on a farm, and was in war in Korea.  So she associates herself as having direct insight to these experiences.  If its a plumbing question, the only person she can defer as qualified is a cousin in the midwest who is a plumber.  So on the one hand, she is the authorative word about everything, but on the other hand, her qualification for this is via indirect association to others.  (I have a friend that worked at a car manufacturing line in the paint section, so therefore I know all about painting cars... .  type of thing)

There is a LOT of mirror that goes on with our children.  They are a direct reflection of herself, and much of her interactions and direction is really about HER (instilling in them to like the same things she likes, believe the same things she believes, etc).  I thing by seeing them model her ideal, it feeds her ego, but also grounds herself that this is how she really is (an inaccurate grounding)

I might flip this back around... .  if a person had virtually no sense of self - what in their life WOULDNT be affected?

[elemental]

When my BPD became friends with internet woman, he started posting things on his social page that were similar to what she posted. Like flowers and kitten pics.

I found this really disconcerting. At one point over the summer, I was certain his account had been hacked. It was him, though.

[waverider]

When my BPD became friends with internet woman, he started posting things on his social page that were similar to what she posted. Like flowers and kitten pics.

That made me chuckle

Maybe if I pretended I love doing household chores she might get stuck in and love them too?

I doubt it, I guess its selective.

[yeeter]

When my BPD became friends with internet woman, he started posting things on his social page that were similar to what she posted. Like flowers and kitten pics.

That made me chuckle

Maybe if I pretended I love doing household chores she might get stuck in and love them too?

I doubt it, I guess its selective.

Nice try wave... .  But it's almost true.  If you were into decorating and fixing it all up, she might get sucked along... .  ? 

[Chosen]

Actual conversation with uBPDh:

Me: What would you like to eat?

H: I like to eat whatever you like to eat.

Me: What do you want to do?

H: I like to do whatever you want to do.

**********

You get the idea.

An awful lot of times he doesn't seem to have a decision of his own, or even any preference.

[cartman1]

Actual conversation with uBPDh:

Me: What would you like to eat?

H: I like to eat whatever you like to eat.

Me: What do you want to do?

H: I like to do whatever you want to do.

**********

You get the idea.

An awful lot of times he doesn't seem to have a decision of his own, or even any preference.

I hate these conversations.

Wife: What do you want to eat?

Me: I don't mind, whatever you want.

Wife: I'll cook what you want.

Me: I don't know what there is.

(re-read conversation about 3 times)

Wife: Should we have chicken?

Me: Yes please.

Wife: Finally, he makes his mind up. *sigh* 

[refuge]

when I cracked the code on my turbo charged BPD xGF I  could even look through the emails and tell she was hanging out with my brother by the words she used (his)... also my dad ... .  I even busted them because the denial letter my brother sent to me was copied by her 2 months later when she sent a broadcast letter to "everyone in her life" claiming i was harassing her !

the best part was everything she claimed was happening to her actually happend to my brother ! I know,because I made it all happen!

I sent  a response to "everyone in her life" suggesting its not good to CC the very person shes denying the relationship with... .  

[daylily]

Interesting post, Wave.  My H's profession involves getting information out of people.  He is incredibly good at it, for the reason you mentioned.  He is able to instantly morph into someone the person from which he is seeking information would like and trust.  That has always been one of the things I admire about him, and it wasn't until reading your post that I realized the cause... .  

 Daylily

[TigerEye]

She becomes her surroundings, but can never sustain it, it is always transient. Really is like a chameleon.

I have noticed with my SO that there are times when it appears that she has neither the will or the energy needed to make the flip to mirror the person or situation, this is when the phone call is ignored or the social integration avoided. This is also the case when there is a need to confront a person she mirrors. Because it doesn't fit with the image of the normal interaction, she appears lost as to how to deal with the wrong doings of others, so it turns to a projection on to me.

[daylily]

Before I learned about BPD I couldn't understand how my H could be so adept socially, but at the same time, antisocial and negative about others.  I think it's what Tiger is saying.  When he doesn't have the energy or stamina, or he doesn't want to be the chameleon, he paints other people black instead.

 Daylily

[SeekerofTruth]

  We have learned how pwBPD take on the interests and likes of new partners, as a result of not having a strong sense of self. This causes bonds to develop unnaturally fast. But in what other ways does this manifest itself?

Oh wow this too now.  Not sure about the other manifestations, but how the pwBPD take on the interests and likes of new partner... .  causing bonds to develop unnaturally fast.  Check and double check.  Aside from hanging pictures of us a few months after dating, yet not fully offically committed to one another as i understood it (actually freaked me out a bit), yes, without being specific (sorry)  there were two hobbies with which I've maintained a avid practice over many years.  Yup, she signed up for lessons, got in some leauge, got the equipment... .  okay cool we can develop this as a shared interest.  And the other hobby, okay... .  i can teach you, perhaps develop your talent into something special which would be a dream come true. 

Yeah that stopped like 5 or 6 years ago.  I thought it was kind of manipulative at the time, but also kind of sweet that she appeared to want to join me and share those interests and activities.  hmmm (semi-dejected) 

[HarmKrakow]

Uff, im walking down a street of memory lane here  :'(

This is the exact behavior my gf with BPD did in the first months we were together. She watched what I watched, she went with me to what i wanted to see. And now when it's not going good anymore, I don't WANT to do those things anymore because she liked them 2 ... and now I have to find 'new' things to like :/   because the mere thought of doing an old thing, makes me remember her (and then tears follow ... )

[SeekerofTruth]

Dang man, now this fits in with what was once considered to be "our dream" that i thought we shared in terms of a business goal.  Which, when she was painting me black, being confronted, and looking to exit became very loudly... .  "THAT, was YOUR dream... .  NOT MY dream!"  F---ing A.  Really... .  

[waverider]

She becomes her surroundings, but can never sustain it, it is always transient. Really is like a chameleon.

I have noticed with my SO that there are times when it appears that she has neither the will or the energy needed to make the flip to mirror the person or situation, this is when the phone call is ignored or the social integration avoided. This is also the case when there is a need to confront a person she mirrors. Because it doesn't fit with the image of the normal interaction, she appears lost as to how to deal with the wrong doings of others, so it turns to a projection on to me.

Agree with this my partner either full on mirrors or totally avoids, she cant just relax and be herself as she has no sense of self. Likewise she loves phone relationships with her family, but in person its too hard to keep up the facade for long, so avoids real person to person contact

[SeekerofTruth]

Wave,

Similar, to phone relationships, is FB experience.  So photogenic, lovely pics... .  it all looks so wonderful.  Some of the drama with other sister's  bashing there X's or going public with their estrangments.  Just bogus if you ask me.  Aside from working, shopping, eating, home chores... .  theres time on FB and time in front of TV, for the most part.

[waverider]

Faking from afar, as my mum used to say, is easier than facing reality