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Author Topic: I reconnected with my BPDexgf in October after 3 years out  (Read 738 times)
NewStart
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« on: January 09, 2013, 02:24:26 PM »

Well its been a while since I've posted and those of you who know my story know that I reconnected with my BPDexgf in October after 3 years out. Well at first it was a mess and it drove me crazy, and I figured out why, it was because I had expectations and I listed to the words that once again did not follow the actions. Well I came to terms with that and have since been better than ever.

Our relationship consists of some texts a few times a week and we grab a beer now and then but that seems to be the limit of it. The key is when things go silent I just let it go and then in a week or so she usually checks in to see how I am.

Right now I'm not sure of the value this relationship has but one thing I know is that it helped me heal.

We're supposed to go out this Friday and that should be interesting as she asked about what I was up to this weekend and asked if I was still seeing a gal I had been dating... .  hmmmm... .  

Anyway, I know I can't have that kind of relationship with her but am glad to have what we have and do hope for a closer friendship to grow too.

Peace,

NS
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CodependentHusband
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« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2013, 02:41:43 PM »

Glad to hear things are going pretty well for you now. Coming to terms with what you can actually expect vs. what you would like to expect really seems key to me as well.
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« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2013, 02:48:19 PM »

Yeah, it's always great to hear about success!  Just be careful to maintan clear boundaries going forward (wherever it is you want to draw them). 
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NewStart
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« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2013, 03:34:03 PM »

I think that was the hard piece for me at first was managing expectations, now I say what I want to and don't worry if she drifts away. The growth of the relationship has been glacial in it's slow pace but that's a good thing too. I can sence that she's maybe afraid to get to close as just as things seem comfortable she disappears and I just have to be ok with it, and I am.

As for boundaries I'm not sure how all that will play out but I don't think I'll need to worry about that. For one, I have no expectations or dreams anymore about what could or couldn't be, we just are what we are and it is what it is. Could I see us in a romantic relationship at some point? Sure, but probably only one of covenience or 'for old time sake'... .  but I know we can never have a real relationship. She knows I've been dating a bunch so she may try something just to see if she can... .  and honestly I don't know what I'd do... .  but I do know that I wouldn't look at it as anything but a fling.

Not sure if that's good or bad, but its the truth.
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elemental
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« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2013, 05:19:24 PM »

This may sound mean, but I will say it anyway. I feel my own detachment growing from my BPD. All of my illusions are gone. I expect the worst. I hope really bad things don't happen again, but it will never shock me again or hurt me as deeply as it has before this.

I think if I detached further and had no contact for a long time, coming in contact again, I would likely not ever take this man seriously again. How can you take her seriously?

I doubt I will ever be as open and vulnerable again to anyone. Lesson learned. Horrible process, but maybe naive silly girls like me shouldn't be running around with stars in our eyes and dreams of princes on white horses that can climb glass mountains to rescue the princess from a tower there anyway.

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NewStart
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« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2013, 10:18:41 PM »

Elemental - I don't think you should give up those types of feelings we just need to make sure we don't fall back into false hope with our BPD ex's.  Can I ever take her seriously, absolutely not. I know that she can't be trusted and that her words are hollow... .  sounds crazy but I still like having her in my life, but I keep it on a limited level.

There is hope for healing for all of us, we can still have a connection but we need to learn to let go of any expectations to get there.

Peace,

Chris
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maria1
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« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2013, 07:48:15 AM »

I doubt I will ever be as open and vulnerable again to anyone. Lesson learned. Horrible process, but maybe naive silly girls like me shouldn't be running around with stars in our eyes and dreams of princes on white horses that can climb glass mountains to rescue the princess from a tower there anyway.

Hi Elemental- You can give up those dreams but you can work on your own codependency and begin to dream of an equal relationship based on mutual trust, respect and honesty.

Hi Newstart- all sounds positive. I still need boundaries with my ex because he can't help but push them. It works though.

Right now he has not contacted me for 3/4 weeks and it's probably because he's deep into the idealisation phase with somebody. It has brought up some contradictory feelings in me which I need to be mindful of- when he doesn't contact me for a few weeks I begin to think EVERYTHING about the r/s was his manipulation and deceit. And I don't think it all was. So that makes me think maybe I have a need for his contact to prove something to myself.

But... .  I don't really want the contact because it usually ends with him telling me he loves me. That feels uncomfortable. So whatever he does he'll never get it right. I have to let it be and let the feelings come and go.

2 questions came to mind reading your post-

1. How will you feel if she just drops out of contact again?

2. Are you watching for her reaction when you talk about your dates? Isn't this hurtful to her?

Just wondering as our situations are similar.
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CodependentHusband
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« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2013, 09:00:32 AM »

My experience only here... .  and I am well-aware that mileage will vary for others. I miss the close connection I once felt for/with my dBPDw... .  No doubt about it... .  I do still yearn for that daily. Without that, some would say the relationship has lost significant value... .  I can't argue with that. It is true.

In my case though, I have found that I still love her very much, respect her for who she is, and enjoy the time that we spend together for what it is worth. It really does appear that she isn't capable of having a truly close, intimate connection with others on a consistent basis. She's damaged in that area. The less I pressure her to change in any way, the more fun she is to be around, and she seems less prone to start or maintain conflict with me. That means that I can only confide in her just so much... .  it's what it is, and wracking my brain about how to change that by changing her is more painful for both of us... .  so, I've given up that dream of an intense love for a more stable, lasting, peaceful kind of companionship. It's been worth it to me, but my wife is special, I think.
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elemental
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« Reply #8 on: January 10, 2013, 10:00:33 AM »

Probably with new understanding and skills, I have gone way over in the opposite direction I was. When in doubt, these days, I just stay away from my BPD.
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NewStart
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« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2013, 11:15:52 AM »

Maria1 - Well she drops away all the time, doesn't respond to texts, breaks off plans or whatever... .  I just am in a good place right now where I don't let it bother me.  Good example is we're supposed to do somthing this Friday and the other night I fell alsleep while we were texting so I didn't respond to her until morning... .  yeah, she hasn't responded to my last couple of texts and may just blow me off on Friday, it's just her and I don't rely on anything from her... .  

Is it a good relationship/friendship?  At times, but most of all it's peace and closure for me, it's me having the power at the end every time as I just don't care if she does these things.  I tell her she's cute, I love her, she's crazy, she's whatever and I don't care what the reactions are.  For the most part they are positive and when I don't react any more to the negative or disappearing acts it makes me stronger each time.

Am I watching her reaction when I talk about dates or gals I'm dating?  Nah, she talks about her's and me about mine, it's more like friends talking in general about dating... .  it's interesting though, she seems very guarded still and we both drift away from each other quickly at times and go NC for a week or so then it's usually a picture message from some place we think the other would have loved to be and that get's the conversation rolling again... .  

So maybe my reconnection has become more about understanding, closure and me gaining my strength back than what I wanted in the begining which was maybe more than I knew I could have, but I gave it a try anyway.

To all those suffering PTSD and ruminations, I personally found the reconnection both hard but ultimatly my savior as it finally for me put to rest a lot of 'what if's'  that other wise would never have been answered.

Peace,

NS

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« Reply #10 on: January 10, 2013, 09:34:31 PM »

To all those suffering PTSD and ruminations, I personally found the reconnection both hard but ultimatly my savior as it finally for me put to rest a lot of 'what if's'  that other wise would never have been answered.

Same here - by taking a period of NC for 6 months and working on detaching and seeing clearly (with a T), I then reached out to her just to end the NC period. A few emails resulted, and some (likely) attempts by her to recycle, but they were easily thwarted by my awareness, and (frankly) my loss of attraction to her. If I lock something behind a thinck wall of NC, it becomes very powerful to me, and more interesting because it's so locked away - by "resuming LC" I have been able to detach and see the scared and surviving person she always was... .  and therefore the creation I played a part in, i.e. our relationship
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turtle
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« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2013, 08:34:02 AM »

Can I ever take her seriously, absolutely not. I know that she can't be trusted and that her words are hollow.... sounds crazy but I still like having her in my life, but I keep it on a limited level.

I'm not trying to be contrary here. I am just very curious as to your thinking here.

 



  • You say you know you can ABSOLUTELY NEVER TAKE HER SERIOUSLY.  


  • You say that you know SHE CAN'T BE TRUSTED.


  • You say that you know HER WORDS ARE HOLLOW.


I understand the need to heal. I get the idea of:
Excerpt
If I lock something behind a thinck wall of NC, it becomes very powerful to me, and more interesting because it's so locked away  

I even get how a reconnection (of sorts) can aid in the healing process.  

I am just curious though. You say that you are hoping you can become closer friends with her. What value is there in an on-going relationship of any kind with a person you describe in this way?

turtle


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ricky rick

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« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2013, 08:51:11 PM »

I agree with turtle... .  Why would you want to waste your time with a person who really brings nothing to the table? This may sound harsh but I wouldnt give my ex the time of day. Im better than that and I deserve better. I understand the feelings behind it all though. Truely I do. I guess my question is how can you even do this knowing how badly you were treated in the past? The lies, the cheating, the rages, the manipulation. Ive forgiven my ex but will never forget what she did to me. Never!

There are plenty of good people out in the world to build good friendships and love relationships with. I just look at it this way, being friends with someone who has BPD, you WILL eventually get sucked back into something that will be unhealthy for both of you. Take it from me whose been through alot and even recycled by my ex.

If this was a normal relationship break up and you reconnected 3 years later,

Id say go for it. But its tough to do it with a BPD. I wish you the best of luck. Sorry if i come across to harsh but Im just trying to look out for your better interest.

 
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NewStart
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« Reply #13 on: January 14, 2013, 01:01:19 PM »

Hey Turtle and RR - Yeah, I hear loud and clear what you're saying for sure. Good example, had a plan to go out on Friday, she cancelled and my response was I was just fine with that and to have a good weekend... .  well maybe she expected more as I was inundated with messages but didn't respond until late Friday eve as I was out... .  so, all messages to her since... .  I've gotten no response... .  oh well typical right?

Ok now to answer your question, for me it was harder to "avoid" than it was to "confront" it all.  For me NC was a nightmare and actually drove my PTSD when I'd see her. Now, I just don't care because I can have her around or not and I don't let the goofy BPD garbage get to me.

So, with more things like this Friday deal it makes me care less about what type of relationship comes of all this but I know I'm putting no effort towards it.  Soo I guess for me it was/is more about confronting the monster hiding in the closet than really working towards a future.  One thing I would say though is this has been a work in progress and for those that have followed this my mindset was NOT always this way... .  again, its all really been an on going growth process.

In all, early on in the reconnection I got pulled in by words and emotions and maybe wanted something... .  then I realized it was all just about her control... .  so I took it back by not careing and that finally gave me the closure I needed which was control over my own emotions again.

Hope that makes sense?

NS
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« Reply #14 on: January 14, 2013, 01:32:58 PM »

I completely understand the need to "confront it all."  I even get why you did it the way you did.  I think it was good for you to do it the way you did.  She had haunted you for 3 years, so you confronted it and that's good.

What puzzles me is why you want to allow someone into your world (even in the periphery) that, by your own description, has such negative characteristics. That doesn't mean you are angry with her, or that you don't forgive her, or anything else. I'm not saying this from a place of hostility at all. I can see a scenario where you would bump into her, be cordial, exchange pleasantries, etc.  Just as you would do with an acquaintance, but to schedule time with her, make plans with her, guard what you can and can't tell her, yet have it in the back of your mind that you might possibly move toward a deeper friendship and possible romantic relationship in the future just seems self destructive to me.   You say you are putting no effort toward it, but you ARE expending effort and you ARE investing in her.

I follow this with great curiosity because it just seems so foreign to me.  There's no way I could ever have crazyx in my life. No Way.  And that isn't because I hate him, or because I'm angry with him, or because I haven't forgiven him.  It's because he's just too dangerous, and he is incapable of such a thing. So I guess I have a hard time relating.  In fact, typing that makes me realize I probably shouldn't be posting in this thread because for me -- it will NEVER be possible to do what you are doing and I'm not sure it SHOULD be possible for any of us.

The only reason I posted here is because I've followed your journey from the beginning.  And now, this is a part of your journey that I have to admit... .  I can't follow.    And once again... .  I learn about ME from posting on these boards.  Being cool (click to insert in post)

turtle

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« Reply #15 on: January 14, 2013, 07:51:48 PM »

Hey Turtle,

I think they are all individual paths that we need to follow and this one is mine. 

As for where this will go with my BPDex I think maybe I've either overstated it or you've read to much into where my reconnection is going as I see less and less coming of it every day with this last silent treatment just another nail in that coffin.  The difference these days is that I don't care, I'm not going to get wound up in it, she has no control on me or over me... .  it's her thing not mine.

That being said yes we're all learning and for me these behaviors just provide more closure for me so once again I'm going through another silent treatment... .  hmmmm, yeah it's getting less and less appealing each day to 'expand' on the relationship but I'm glad I've put the 'boogyman' to sleep... .  for good.

Don't know if that makes any more sense but it's really helped me.

NS
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« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2013, 07:12:43 AM »

I've followed NewStart's story as well as his feelings/reactions and the situation with the BPD living so close was very familiar to mine.

I still caution the addiction and just from your recent posts I'm thinking that there's a dance going on between you two.  I attempted what NewStart did years ago, of course without knowledge that there was BPD, but with the same premice to ease my anxiety and PTSD.  I was enmeshed, in the FOG, a different me and it happened before I even realized it.  But without the second dance, I'm not sure I would have ever gained the knowledge that she was BPD and from there being able to assess my own self and actions and working toward a more healthier self.  I've really grown as a person, as a spirit, and I don't regret that aspect from it.

One thing I wanted to mention is the fairly new science regarding trauma on a cellular level and how trauma is encoded in each cell in our bodies, making it a struggle to move past the trauma b/c our bodies are constantly reacting to it.  Have you read anything about this?  When I'm reading your posts and listening to your reason as to why you are reengaging with your ex, I'm wondering if this is sort of an instictual response to try to work out the trauma(traumatic events get stuck... .  it some therapies those traumas are reimaged and "worked through" so that the trauma has a closure)?  I don't know, just some thoughts?

Peace Smiling (click to insert in post)
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NewStart
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« Reply #17 on: January 15, 2013, 01:48:26 PM »

Hey Sparkley - Yes I agree that I can see that there is once again a new dance happening between us, but this time it's very different as I am no longer a partner.  Yes we ALL play a part if we are involved at all, but the difference is I'm not adding to it or playing into her desire for some sort of emotional response.

I don't know if all of this is right or wrong but I do know that it has helped me see what was, what is and to help me as an individual move forward and grow.  Sure, as will all past relationships there are old feelings that come up, and I don't nessisarily mean attraction, but I can more easily process these things now and have really gained a better balance by stepping back into what has become more and more LC.

As to your piece about maybe this is an instinctual reaction to deal with a trama, I think you may be on to something.  For me avoidance/NC drove me nuts, it was something I had to deal with and process all the time because I was forcing this in a small community.  Now with contact I have confronted these things.  Yes at first it was a messy afair for me to reconnect as try as I did I fell back into listening to the words and ignoring the actions and this was once again FRUSTRATING to no end.  Once I was able to push away and not react, to be ok when she distanced etc... .  well I finally gained my self back, because I finally had control over my own emotions again.

Sure, as it stands now with a couple of recent blow offs and a silent treatment... .  yeah the light is shinning bright in what BPD really is and what it is we really had... .  does that make me happy per say, no, but it once again gives me another piece in my growth and overal closure.

Peace,

NS
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« Reply #18 on: January 15, 2013, 04:01:41 PM »

Hi NS- I do get where you are with needing to 'normalise' it I think. I had similar feelings during NC; I felt like I was always waiting for the bump into or the possible contact from him. The silence became louder than any noise of contact would have been. Initially, when he contacted me and persisted in trying to get me to re-start the relationship or see him when I didn't want to/ couldn't I had to go NC again. But he is now just fading gradually.

I don't give him the things I used to emotionally. I don't drop everything to meet his needs any more. Turtle, you say you don't understand why anybody wants crazy in their life- I don't. But I care what happens to my ex enough to remain in LC with him. It is actually helping him detach from me in a more normal way. He doesn't bring much crazy into my life any more because he doesn't come into my life any more. We are both fading into the periphery of each others' lives.

Newstart, I think this will happen with you- if you really don't want a romantic relationship and you get fed up with the pulls away you'll see her as less and less a fantasy that NC created in your mind. As she sees you not being the same person you were in terms of your own boundaries she'll look elsewhere. You will detach naturally from one another.

I agree it can become like getting over any relationship. It can hurt here and there but overall it's getting better, NC or LC or CC. We all need to find our own way.
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« Reply #19 on: January 16, 2013, 12:21:04 PM »

Maria1-Spot on with the silence became louder than the noise for me. Trying to avoid my BPDexgf, the focus on the bad, the paranoia, etc etc all added to my own anxiety. So for me, reconnection was an important step.

Yes, it was a mess at first, I fell into all the old traps and it drove me crazy... .  then I realized the dance... .  so I just stopped being a willing participant. Sure, I'm still a participant in proxy just by being involved with her, but its evolving much more into LC than contact or NC.

So yes I'm in a dance now, it doesn't bother me but there are still questions for myself. Example, I was put in a silent phase most likely because I wasn't as immediately available when SHE needed me... .  and of course today she pops up and wants to do something... .  the question I have for myself now is do I just kindly and gently move away to very LC so I avoid any part of the dance at all... .  or do I just keep rolling with it?

Well, a good question for my own soul to ponder.  Again, probably not the road for everyone but its been a road of recovery for me.

Peace,

NS
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« Reply #20 on: January 16, 2013, 02:58:46 PM »

... .  and the dance continues... .  she asks me out tonight, I say sure then she says she's busy at work and if tonight doesn't work what am I doing tomorrow... .  she knows I've been dating, think someone's keeping tabs on me?

Oh well, her dance not mine... .  

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