One year on

[really]

Well it's a year ago today since I spoke to her for the last time.   Went from thinking we were meeting just to pick up my things to have her throw herself at me, tell me she had just panicked and wanting to make it work.   24 hours later she went cold again.

Time for some reflection and honesty:

- I did many things wrong during our relationship.   I never knew how to deal with her style of communication - which was not to.  I lost my temper with her on occasions, yet her behaviour was absolutely maddening.     When she hurt me deeper than I thought was possible (cheating / lying about still seeing her ex) i was calm and supportive.  There were other times though when all that got on top of me.

- I became a shell of a person during that time.    While she would be out seeing her ex, I would be at home pacing the floor.  I didn't do enough to look after my physical health or emotional health and as each day went on with things not being resolved, more and more of my self belief disappeared.  I resorted to destructive ways of dealing with it too often - drinking, eating badly, not getting enough exercise.

- I bombarded her with emails since the breakup.  I have been looking for some honesty or closure from her that she was clearly not capable of giving me.    The articles explaining this should have been enough for me.    I struggled and still do on an emotional level to understand how someone can break up by text with someone they have been with for almost 2 years and who they said they wanted to have babies ith.

- I have not dealt properly with the situational depression that has hit me since the breakup and have been in a cycle of disinterest in life and procrastination.

- I have failed to pay regard to the 10 false beliefs that keep you stuck.  I have dwelled on the positive words,  I have thought that saying it louder and clearer would mean that something would finally resonate, and have assumed that she could understand what I went through for her.

- I have ruminated over everything until it has almost driven me mad.

- I have turned my (in my view) understandable anger on myself

- I have missed deeply someone who lied, cheated and used me (emotionally and financially) and I have not done enough to look at why I did not walk away earlier.   There lies some tough lessons and will be the things I will explore with my therapist when I see her.

It felt almost as raw today as it did a year ago which is a worrying thing but I won't give up on the fight to put this behind me.

I am the sincere, loving, loyal and generous man that she used to write lots of love notes about.    Ultimately it will be her loss.

[Surnia]

Hi really

a very honest and reflecting post!

What about taking on or two points out and work on it as a goal for the present and near future?

For example this one

- I have not dealt properly with the situational depression that has hit me since the breakup and have been in a cycle of disinterest in life and procrastination.

What can you do to address this right now?

[really]

On the depression front... .  am re-engaging in therapy, committing to going to the gym each day and going on a long term juice fast to give my mind the best nutritional chance of healing itself naturally.   

Am loathe to take medication but that will be the next step.

[Changed4safety]

Hear you on the meds.

I started taking anti-anxiety drugs for a while simply to be able to handle the relationship--not good.  When my father died and my BPD was trying to repair the relationship (trying to get me to focus on how he was improving while I was grieving my dad) and I suddenly had a major deadline for a good amount of money (I freelance) I went on anti-depressants for almost a  year.  THAT was a wise move.  Also good was being able to get of them. 

Be cautious, but do not be fearful, and discuss with your therapist.  Exercise is a natural anti-depressant. 

[really]

Yes I find the exercise really helpful.   Have had a number of health problems that have stopped me from exercising properly but am dealing with these and when I exercise I feel the benefits.   Have a mountain as high as Everest to climb to get back to who I was before all this.