She's found someone else?

[Elsegundo]

Didn't think it'd bother me so much, even thought that WHEN it happened, I'd feel a bit more release.  In some ways I do but it also sucks.  So much.  Keeping thinking about when she said she was so miserable that she couldn't keep it all together, and it was ~ed up beyond repair.  Know that it's good for the door to be closed, but hate that since we live so close I'm bound to see them together.  Don't really want that. 

Trying to sit w these feelings, and focus on me.  And remember why it was bad.  Hard to do.  Since she is T for a bit, three months of DBT down and high functioning, part of me wonders if she's getting better, and wish I could see her when she is.  Most of me knows that isn't going to happen. 

Still feeling pretty ok, but am wishing she'd call.  And happy she hasn't.

[Tausk]

It's very hard.  I try and keep compassion for my gfwBPD, but sometimes I get so angry. She's with a guy whom she cultivated while were were still living together.  She lives 100 miles away, but he lives a couple of miles away in the same small town.  So I to drive different routes not to have to see them in a hammock together.  

But I know she's limited.  I know that she couldn't help herself.  I saw her split and start to lure the poor sap in, and I actually felt bad for him at the time because I knew that he didn't even know what was happening and was totally done for and just being put on the back burner until needed.

But I also know that her betrayal of me is a gift.   It frees me.  As much pain and anger as I feel, it's about mostly wanting to change the past.  It's not about being able to accept her back again into my life in the future,

And although I stuck around long enough for her to do nine months of DBT, which helped, it doesn't make a difference in the long run.  As my T said, DBT basically just keeps the herd behind the fence. It doesn't bring self awareness or maturity.  The terrified three year old living in her very real nightmare emotionally stays the same.  The only real difference is that she might not take the steak knife and cut herself or you into shreds.  

But even if we did manage to be together in moments of peace, she would be always an instant trigger away from  painting me black, forgetting me, and laying with another man, as she has already chosen to do.

The greatest gift they give us is to hurt us to the point of being forced to move on.  The kindest gift we can give them is to remain No Contact.

[seeking balance]

Elsee,

Sorry you are hurt.

The book, Buddha and the Borderline is written by a fairly recovered borderline.  It is witty, and serious while really demonstrating the constant struggles.  In times like you are in, this book helps me focus on reality.   Might be good for you to read too.

Peace,

SB

[HostNoMore]

The greatest gift they give us is to hurt us to the point of being forced to move on.  The kindest gift we can give them is to remain No Contact.

Schroder's P.  You have a very succinct way of putting things to words.  You are so right too about these  issues too.  My BPD experience kicked me into an entirely different sphere of life.  It forced me to confront my issues and indirectly led me to expand my network and make a number of new friends.   Now, I reap the benefits of having been through that crucible and come out on the other side.  I'm running in more influential circles now, and that helps me generate new business.  Early in my recovery I spent a lot of time going out and meeting new people.  I still do it.  This was one of the gifts given to me from that disaster. 

Elsee, I'm well over a year out now and recovery does occur eventually though it is a very hard road to travel.  Also, trying to make sense of what they say about ANYTHING is counterproductive to you and your recovery.

I want no contact with mine either, hopefully forever.  Once you get into a stronger state of recovery seeing them is not as bad as it is in the early stages.  It just made me feel like sewage slime had been dumped on me the few times I've run into her and still would as I know she is disordered.  She now has moved to the other side of my county so my chances of seeing her are much lower as we used to live very close to each other.  I'm really loving the freedom of being able to roam w/o worrying about bumping into her in a grocery store or restaurant.  Once, I ran into my exBPD when she was out on the town actually cheating on her current and still reigning champion host.  Better him than me.

Even though the false bond between a BPD and its host seems so incredible, it is nothing but a mirage that deceived you.  We are all better off without each other.  I triggered mine pretty badly and now partially understand what I was doing to her.  No contact is the best gift you can give one plus you benefit too.  You are more important anyway.

[Elsegundo]

Thanks for the support.  It's a weird place to be in--knowing the good bits haven't been around in so long, accepting that the rough bits are the core of her, and knowing that the wounded parts of me from my past are now able to be healed. 

It's tough to negotiate that she's a person, sometimes, rather than a collection of triggers and defense mechanisms.  And then I see her around, and I remember that she's more than that.  In those moments, I try to remind myself that I deserve more than she could give.

Thanks for the suggestions too--I'm going to buy the book, and am already trying to meet new people, which feels good.  "This too shall pass."

[bpdspell]

Elsee,

Yes knowing they're with someone else is very sad, disheartening, and disappointing. In many ways it signifies that there's no returning back for them... .  that they in a ways have chosen to lather, rinse, wash and repeat... .  that the hopeful remnants of things be repaired or fixed are all but gone. I say validate your sad feelings. These feelings are a part of grieving but they will not stay with you forever.

Even though your ex is in DBT therapy that is really a drop in the bucket in terms of her own personal healing so I wouldn't considered her changed or healed. Remember that she was sick way before you entered the picture. Your BPDex has an emotional Mt. Everest to climb to truly learn how to cope with her disorder and three months of therapy will not give her the happily ever after that we believe they will find when they move on without us. Healing doesn't work that way. This thinking is our fragile egos in overdrive because of our own feelings of sadness and rejection.

Look at this information as a lesson on acceptance. If she is truly BPD she is very much still mentally ill. She may be with someone but you must remember that she devalued you, treated you like crap and blew a good thing with you. Do not take that lightly. More than likely she has a car pile up of people that she hasn't made amends with and that's a lot of emotional shame and baggage for them to carry as well. They never really get "off the hook" because they have caused so much damage to themselves and others... .  so her journey to healing will be long... .  

I'm glad that you comprehend that you deserve more than she can give.

This too shall pass indeed.

Spell.

[Elsegundo]

I think another part that really bothers me is that I was doing ok and then broke NC.  And then we tried being friends but really it was too much for her.  She clearly struggled w it and acted very strange.  Push-pull.  Push-pull.  Meet up, cancel; I want you, it's too much; I can't handle it all, I can. I know that's the disease.  And watching her struggle made me empathize, angry, and sometimes triggered my own stuff.  I was honest when it did, and I tried setting a boundary about what did trigger me which worked for a bit.  Then I told her it wasn't working for me the way things were, and she disappeared.  I broke my own rule after a bit and tryiee to reach out a few tines and got nada.  That triggered me, and I texted about being upset and her bad treatment of me (bad idea, I know) & nada.  Then I felt DUMB.  I was healing!  And then this backsliding, the worst!  I'm embarrassed bc I gave my power away, AND now i think she's w someone else.

I'm reading the Buddha and the Borderline, and the DBt workbook to start working on the button that gets pushed w her silence.  Clearly an issue for me.

[happiness68]

Elsee - I'm sorry she found someone else, but I think you can rest assured she'll have thoughts of you.  No matter how ill they are, I don't believe they don't know how to love completely and that said, love doesn't just stop overnight. I'm sure you will meet the one who deserves you and will make you feel as loved as they do by being with you.  I try to tell myself this.  Be strong ;-)

[j4c]

Elsee, so sorry to hear what you're going through. It sounds like you were expecting this to happen but its still horrible to face when it hits you. It took my exuBPDgf about a month to replace me & it hit me for 6! It was by far the worst 6 months of my life but knowing each day that past & with NC it would keep getting easier n easier. Small steps and all that!

I prefer to look at the positives. She chose you because of your wonderful qualities. But at the same time she also pushed you away because of your wonderful qualities. Her parting gift to you was to set you free from a lifetime of mind-games, manipulations, projections and abuse. Take that gift with you and use it well.

Take care & keep posting.

[Elsegundo]

I don't know how to quote so I love when you point out that she loved and loathed the same things about me.  I'll take that.  I do have pride in the fact that I know that her mother has NEVER liked a gf but liked me so much that she a) talked to me for 5 hours at our second meeting, which was so fun! B) asked about me to gf, which never occurred w any other gf including those she lived w/ c) mom bought me a GIFT for the Jewish holidays, having never celebrated them before.  These things are celebrations of me.

[Elsegundo]

Beyond that, you're all right: heart-head time differences are real, as are imagined vs. actual perspectives on next steps.  More reading.  More living.  More openness.