What to do ...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey family... .  some of you may know my story, but those of you who don't, it isn't difficult to figure out... .  My story isn't terriby different than any of your own.  The details may be different, but the results are probably painfully famliar... .  

In a nutshell, I have been embroiled in a one-again, off-again (to the infinity) relationship with a woman that has BPD.  She attempted suicide before we married and was sent to a facility that solely caters to those with BPD.  I didn't know that at the time.  I knew something was going on with her mental stability not long after I met her, but it wasn't until I did research (and ultimately found this site), that I became aware.  So, I can't say that she's technically been diagnosed, but I'd say it's safe to say she has it.  We've been married now for over 3 1/2 years.

Anyway, fast forwarding... .  A few days before New Year's, I took her to a Cirque de Soleil show.  On the way to the show she was "affected".  Of course, as usual, she said she was sick.  And, actually, I knew she was sick, but this was more than that.  Her demeanor, her attitude, and her sense of entitlement was all there and accounted for.

By the time we arrived at the show, the writing was on the wall and, admittedly, I lost it.  I had been so good for so long... .  holding my tongue, allowing her behavior to go by the wayside, accepting the double standards, enabling the princess syndrome and the lack of affection.  But I guess this time the accumulation of disrespect became too much... .  and it all came to the surface.

I lashed out at her... .  not nearly to the extent that she has in the past to me, but nonetheless, I erupted with emotion and told her off.  I told her I wanted the woman I married, I told her she needed medication... .  I called her a btch (I have done that only once before).  Of course, she reacted as you would expect and she wanted to go home.  We stayed for the show, but sat in separate seats.

Since then I've apologized profusely for my insensitivity.  I not only detailed my wrongdoing, but shared with her what I should have done instead.  I've found in the past, when I completely lay myself out there in a humble pile of goo, she usually responds favorably... .  I mean, who wouldn't?  Kissing the BPD ass is nirvana for them.

However, this time my apologoy wasn't responded to until five days later... .  and the response was her opportunity to put me in my place by indicating that she is not the woman I married... .  she is a "new creature" in Christ and has risen above the sins of her past.  Further, laced within my email was the strong message that she has outgrown me... .  I still drink (rarely) and listen to rock music.  She has essentially evolved past that now and I am still in "the world".

So, we exchanged a few more emails to each other... .  some of them were a little animated (I shared with her that I am no longer the man she married... .  the man that would tolerate disrespect, double standards, hypocrisy, dishonesty, selfishness, negativity, etc is gone).  We have not had any interaction since Friday. 

My concern is what to do next.  I seriously doubt that we have a future together.  It just isn't in the cards.  I thought she was the one... .  but instead she is an illusion that I chose to believe in, even I achieved clarity of the situation countless times.  In fact, I filed for annulment three times and later rescinded. Somehow I thought I could handle it... .  somehow I thought a lot of the problems were with me... .  somehow I thought that maybe God would bless our union and heal us... .  I was wrong on all counts.

Does anyone have any guidance that I can take solace in?  Should I file again and start the process now?  Should I wait until she makes contact and take it from there?  Should I wait a certain period of time and then do something?  Two things that are weighing on my mind... .  We have not lived together for 3/4 of our marriage.  She moved out after 8 months together... .  we were going to get the annulment... .  but instead, as a compromise, we thought that living apart would be a better solution.  You know the answer to that.  One of my concerns is that she may come after me for money... .  Her mom assured me about a year ago that she (wife) was not after my money and would not take anything if we split.  I am hoping that assurance still is valid... .  Her mom seems to be fairly objective on the matter, but hs enabled her for so long.

Secondly, it would be more beneficial if she signed a joint tax return, rather than married, filing separate.  Doing so would save thousands.  I've never asked her to participate in helping pay taxes (in fact, she is convinced that she would get a refund if she filed separate)... .  but it's hard ot predict what she'll do now.

So, I have been in a holding pattern for the moment... .  if I can get her to sign the joint tax return, then at least I've dodged one hurdle.  Getting her to sign the annulment again would be another.

I've been doing fairly well with the ruminations that haunted me before, but I know what's coming if I decide to follow through this time.  I am scared... .  literally scared. At one point in my life I thought I had the moon and the stars... .  I thought I had a woman that loved me unconditionally, a hot chick that gave me awesome sex on a regular basis, and a partner in my life that pledged to be there, no matter what.  I've held on to those fantasies probably longer than most of you here... .  which speaks volumes for my insecurities and my co-dependency... .  I get that... .  but that needs to be in the past... .  What I do going forward will help rebuild my self-esteem. my self-worth and ultimately, rebuild my life.

Thank you for taking the time to read this diatribe... .  I'm sure if I took my time I could have consolidated this and made it a lot more presentable... .  forgive me.

Foolish One

[FoolishOne]

Hey family... .  some of you may know my story, but those of you who don't, it isn't difficult to figure out... .  My story isn't terriby different than any of your own.  The details may be different, but the results are probably painfully famliar... .  

In a nutshell, I have been embroiled in a one-again, off-again (to the infinity) relationship with a woman that has BPD.  She attempted suicide before we married and was sent to a facility that solely caters to those with BPD.  I didn't know that at the time.  I knew something was going on with her mental stability not long after I met her, but it wasn't until I did research (and ultimately found this site), that I became aware.  So, I can't say that she's technically been diagnosed, but I'd say it's safe to say she has it.  We've been married now for over 3 1/2 years.

Anyway, fast forwarding... .  A few days before New Year's, I took her to a Cirque de Soleil show.  On the way to the show she was "affected".  Of course, as usual, she said she was sick.  And, actually, I knew she was sick, but this was more than that.  Her demeanor, her attitude, and her sense of entitlement was all there and accounted for.

By the time we arrived at the show, the writing was on the wall and, admittedly, I lost it.  I had been so good for so long... .  holding my tongue, allowing her behavior to go by the wayside, accepting the double standards, enabling the princess syndrome and the lack of affection.  But I guess this time the accumulation of disrespect became too much... .  and it all came to the surface.

I lashed out at her... .  not nearly to the extent that she has in the past to me, but nonetheless, I erupted with emotion and told her off.  I told her I wanted the woman I married, I told her she needed medication... .  I called her a btch (I have done that only once before).  Of course, she reacted as you would expect and she wanted to go home.  We stayed for the show, but sat in separate seats.

Since then I've apologized profusely for my insensitivity.  I not only detailed my wrongdoing, but shared with her what I should have done instead.  I've found in the past, when I completely lay myself out there in a humble pile of goo, she usually responds favorably... .  I mean, who wouldn't?  Kissing the BPD ass is nirvana for them.

However, this time my apologoy wasn't responded to until five days later... .  and the response was her opportunity to put me in my place by indicating that she is not the woman I married... .  she is a "new creature" in Christ and has risen above the sins of her past.  Further, laced within my email was the strong message that she has outgrown me... .  I still drink (rarely) and listen to rock music.  She has essentially evolved past that now and I am still in "the world".

So, we exchanged a few more emails to each other... .  some of them were a little animated (I shared with her that I am no longer the man she married... .  the man that would tolerate disrespect, double standards, hypocrisy, dishonesty, selfishness, negativity, etc is gone).  We have not had any interaction since Friday. 

My concern is what to do next.  I seriously doubt that we have a future together.  It just isn't in the cards.  I thought she was the one... .  but instead she is an illusion that I chose to believe in, even I achieved clarity of the situation countless times.  In fact, I filed for annulment three times and later rescinded. Somehow I thought I could handle it... .  somehow I thought a lot of the problems were with me... .  somehow I thought that maybe God would bless our union and heal us... .  I was wrong on all counts.

Does anyone have any guidance that I can take solace in?  Should I file again and start the process now?  Should I wait until she makes contact and take it from there?  Should I wait a certain period of time and then do something?  Two things that are weighing on my mind... .  We have not lived together for 3/4 of our marriage.  She moved out after 8 months together... .  we were going to get the annulment... .  but instead, as a compromise, we thought that living apart would be a better solution.  You know the answer to that.  One of my concerns is that she may come after me for money... .  Her mom assured me about a year ago that she (wife) was not after my money and would not take anything if we split.  I am hoping that assurance still is valid... .  Her mom seems to be fairly objective on the matter, but hs enabled her for so long.

Secondly, it would be more beneficial if she signed a joint tax return, rather than married, filing separate.  Doing so would save thousands.  I've never asked her to participate in helping pay taxes (in fact, she is convinced that she would get a refund if she filed separate)... .  but it's hard ot predict what she'll do now.

So, I have been in a holding pattern for the moment... .  if I can get her to sign the joint tax return, then at least I've dodged one hurdle.  Getting her to sign the annulment again would be another.

I've been doing fairly well with the ruminations that haunted me before, but I know what's coming if I decide to follow through this time.  I am scared... .  literally scared. At one point in my life I thought I had the moon and the stars... .  I thought I had a woman that loved me unconditionally, a hot chick that gave me awesome sex on a regular basis, and a partner in my life that pledged to be there, no matter what.  I've held on to those fantasies probably longer than most of you here... .  which speaks volumes for my insecurities and my co-dependency... .  I get that... .  but that needs to be in the past... .  What I do going forward will help rebuild my self-esteem. my self-worth and ultimately, rebuild my life.

Thank you for taking the time to read this diatribe... .  I'm sure if I took my time I could have consolidated this and made it a lot more presentable... .  forgive me.

Foolish One

[afterdeath]

Hey family... .  some of you may know my story, but those of you who don't, it isn't difficult to figure out... .  My story isn't terriby different than any of your own.  The details may be different, but the results are probably painfully famliar... .  

In a nutshell, I have been embroiled in a one-again, off-again (to the infinity) relationship with a woman that has BPD.  She attempted suicide before we married and was sent to a facility that solely caters to those with BPD.  I didn't know that at the time.  I knew something was going on with her mental stability not long after I met her, but it wasn't until I did research (and ultimately found this site), that I became aware.  So, I can't say that she's technically been diagnosed, but I'd say it's safe to say she has it.  We've been married now for over 3 1/2 years.

Anyway, fast forwarding... .  A few days before New Year's, I took her to a Cirque de Soleil show.  On the way to the show she was "affected".  Of course, as usual, she said she was sick.  And, actually, I knew she was sick, but this was more than that.  Her demeanor, her attitude, and her sense of entitlement was all there and accounted for.

By the time we arrived at the show, the writing was on the wall and, admittedly, I lost it.  I had been so good for so long... .  holding my tongue, allowing her behavior to go by the wayside, accepting the double standards, enabling the princess syndrome and the lack of affection.  But I guess this time the accumulation of disrespect became too much... .  and it all came to the surface.

I lashed out at her... .  not nearly to the extent that she has in the past to me, but nonetheless, I erupted with emotion and told her off.  I told her I wanted the woman I married, I told her she needed medication... .  I called her a btch (I have done that only once before).  Of course, she reacted as you would expect and she wanted to go home.  We stayed for the show, but sat in separate seats.

Since then I've apologized profusely for my insensitivity.  I not only detailed my wrongdoing, but shared with her what I should have done instead.  I've found in the past, when I completely lay myself out there in a humble pile of goo, she usually responds favorably... .  I mean, who wouldn't?  Kissing the BPD ass is nirvana for them.

However, this time my apologoy wasn't responded to until five days later... .  and the response was her opportunity to put me in my place by indicating that she is not the woman I married... .  she is a "new creature" in Christ and has risen above the sins of her past.  Further, laced within my email was the strong message that she has outgrown me... .  I still drink (rarely) and listen to rock music.  She has essentially evolved past that now and I am still in "the world".

So, we exchanged a few more emails to each other... .  some of them were a little animated (I shared with her that I am no longer the man she married... .  the man that would tolerate disrespect, double standards, hypocrisy, dishonesty, selfishness, negativity, etc is gone).  We have not had any interaction since Friday. 

My concern is what to do next.  I seriously doubt that we have a future together.  It just isn't in the cards.  I thought she was the one... .  but instead she is an illusion that I chose to believe in, even I achieved clarity of the situation countless times.  In fact, I filed for annulment three times and later rescinded. Somehow I thought I could handle it... .  somehow I thought a lot of the problems were with me... .  somehow I thought that maybe God would bless our union and heal us... .  I was wrong on all counts.

Does anyone have any guidance that I can take solace in?  Should I file again and start the process now?  Should I wait until she makes contact and take it from there?  Should I wait a certain period of time and then do something?  Two things that are weighing on my mind... .  We have not lived together for 3/4 of our marriage.  She moved out after 8 months together... .  we were going to get the annulment... .  but instead, as a compromise, we thought that living apart would be a better solution.  You know the answer to that.  One of my concerns is that she may come after me for money... .  Her mom assured me about a year ago that she (wife) was not after my money and would not take anything if we split.  I am hoping that assurance still is valid... .  Her mom seems to be fairly objective on the matter, but hs enabled her for so long.

Secondly, it would be more beneficial if she signed a joint tax return, rather than married, filing separate.  Doing so would save thousands.  I've never asked her to participate in helping pay taxes (in fact, she is convinced that she would get a refund if she filed separate)... .  but it's hard ot predict what she'll do now.

So, I have been in a holding pattern for the moment... .  if I can get her to sign the joint tax return, then at least I've dodged one hurdle.  Getting her to sign the annulment again would be another.

I've been doing fairly well with the ruminations that haunted me before, but I know what's coming if I decide to follow through this time.  I am scared... .  literally scared. At one point in my life I thought I had the moon and the stars... .  I thought I had a woman that loved me unconditionally, a hot chick that gave me awesome sex on a regular basis, and a partner in my life that pledged to be there, no matter what.  I've held on to those fantasies probably longer than most of you here... .  which speaks volumes for my insecurities and my co-dependency... .  I get that... .  but that needs to be in the past... .  What I do going forward will help rebuild my self-esteem. my self-worth and ultimately, rebuild my life.

Thank you for taking the time to read this diatribe... .  I'm sure if I took my time I could have consolidated this and made it a lot more presentable... .  forgive me.

Foolish One




i know all too well what you're saying ... .  i think there is something else to be said for the non that tries to stick it out and hang in there staying as tough as they can for so long... we May be codependent but damnit at least we have heart

there is something to be said about not giving up and staying persistent ... it shows your character ... .  

you're a great person who has endured and sacrificed too much... it's time to hand off the burden to someone else you've taken it as far as it will go.

lastly... .  i always heeded the warning :if they aren't getting it from you ... they are getting it from somewhere or someone else.

meaning... .  beware she May already have others ... .  easy to fake when you don't live together ... .  she's still using you for something ...

her mom sounds like my exs mom was... she supports you but ultimately she does not and will not try tp control her daughter she will just play innocent confused bystander ... .  my bet is she comes after everything you have to make your life hell for abandoning her and the hurt she will feel as she paints you black for finally standing up for yourself and not  spoiling her anymore or bending to her will... .  

good luck and god bless on your journey through hell


sorry for sloppiness... .  my phone makes it hard to navigate the forums

[FoolishOne]

Hey afterdeath, thank you for the response... .  I hope to God you are wrong about her having others at this point... .  We live apart ,but we have identical custody schedules, so she has her kid the same days I have mine.  Of course, where there's a will, there's a way... .  Regardless, her very vocal and pronouced religiosity and high moral standards would put her in a very uncompromising position if she did something like that at this point.  She'd lose her position as a Sunday School teacher, and lose the respect she's been able to regain from her family and friends.  Her testimony would be dashed.   But, if she's good at covering it up, who's the wiser, I guess...

Regardless, I can't focus on that or it will literally kill me.  I know my sanity lies in a future without her... .  and one of the true signs of a full recovery will be the day (which I long for) when I honestly don't care who or what she's doing.  I will shout from the mountain tops when that great day arrives... .  

In the meantime I need some kind of a gameplan... .  I am still struggling with that at the moment.

[afterdeath]

aren't we all... .  just know you're not alone ... .  

maybe you should challenge her on her religious experience and ask for compassion and understanding that of a higher power... .  it's easy to spot the hypocrites when it comes to religion ... ask her to practice what she preaches and hold her end of the bargain on the vows she took... .  

love is patient... love is kind... .  love will overcome all... .  Google this scripture and rapture her world as you make her stare into the mirror of her hypocracy ...

practice what you preach is a perfect arguement id say... .  there is ammo for your arsenal if you wish to call her out on her bluff... .  the responses will be comical Im sure as she herself will speak for jesus

[FoolishOne]

Excellent response... .  and yes... .  that was part of our email dialogue... .  I quoted scripture regarding the sanctity of marriage and asked her what she would tell the girls in her class regarding what to do to save a marriage.  I asked her what she thought God would ask her to do to obey His words regarding marriage as well.

[afterdeath]

Excellent response... .  and yes... .  that was part of our email dialogue... .  I quoted scripture regarding the sanctity of marriage and asked her what she would tell the girls in her class regarding what to do to save a marriage.  I asked her what she thought God would ask her to do to obey His words regarding marriage as well.

wwjd ;-)

[FoolishOne]

The real toughie was when I asked her what she intended to to do save / improve the marriage... .  I already made my pledge to her and was awaiting her response as to what she felt God would ask of her... .  Her response was a cryptic... .  I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

[afterdeath]

Im praying for you... sounds like she's full of crap ... religion bothers me when people act high and mighty and don't truly practice their craft...

Im catholic so very familiar with the worst sinners being the ones right up front in the church

she can raise up off her pedestal and falls on her knees as i believe it was Romans either 2:23 or Romans 3:23 that basically says we are all failures compared to god...

essentially we are all equals in our foolishness so for her  to try and pull rank in the name of god is blasphemy ... .  she should repent ...

religious rant over

[FoolishOne]

Amen brother