What does she want?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My co-worker, who seduced me only to reject me five months ago, who I had at one time suggested was BPD (she agreed and asked for help which I tried to give, until she freaked and rejected me) came up to me last Monday, telling me she'd spent the whole winter break realizing how much she'd hurt me, feeling awful and wanting to apologize. I told her - as I have before - that it wasn't necessary, I'd already forgiven her. She then said that she was all alone - had repeated the experience again with another man - and asked me to help her stop her behaviour. I suggested indirectly that she might have some mental health problems, trying to be nice and saying most of us do, and didn't mention personality disorder specifically. She said she was worried that at 33, she only had 2 more years of "casting spells", of making men fall in love with her and I said nicely she shouldn't worry about that. She went on and on about how alone she was all holidays. She never mentioned missing me specifically and I certainly didn't suggest her loneliness had anything to do with me. I left, wishes her well, and returned to work. Pleasant and professional. The next day she started ignoring me and now won't even say "hello" professionally which is weird because we've been cordial over the last several months.

I know that I can never expect this person to be normal. But was I mean in some way? I thought I had been nice. I honestly don't believe she wants to resume the emotional affair that almost led to the break up of my marriage. In devaluation mode, she was crystal clear that I wasn't good enough for her. But what does she want from me? Any ideas?

[newwestbren]

My co-worker, who seduced me only to reject me five months ago, who I had at one time suggested was BPD (she agreed and asked for help which I tried to give, until she freaked and rejected me) came up to me last Monday, telling me she'd spent the whole winter break realizing how much she'd hurt me, feeling awful and wanting to apologize. I told her - as I have before - that it wasn't necessary, I'd already forgiven her. She then said that she was all alone - had repeated the experience again with another man - and asked me to help her stop her behaviour. I suggested indirectly that she might have some mental health problems, trying to be nice and saying most of us do, and didn't mention personality disorder specifically. She said she was worried that at 33, she only had 2 more years of "casting spells", of making men fall in love with her and I said nicely she shouldn't worry about that. She went on and on about how alone she was all holidays. She never mentioned missing me specifically and I certainly didn't suggest her loneliness had anything to do with me. I left, wishes her well, and returned to work. Pleasant and professional. The next day she started ignoring me and now won't even say "hello" professionally which is weird because we've been cordial over the last several months.

I know that I can never expect this person to be normal. But was I mean in some way? I thought I had been nice. I honestly don't believe she wants to resume the emotional affair that almost led to the break up of my marriage. In devaluation mode, she was crystal clear that I wasn't good enough for her. But what does she want from me? Any ideas?

[just me.]

They can't be alone.

I can of course only speak from my own experience, but it seems that whether in a r/s or not, they will put out numerous "feelers" like this all the time to gauge who might stroke their hair, tell them they're beautiful, and insist that it's true that everyone in their lives to that point had let them down (and they're not actually crazy).  That's something they need... .  all the time.  She's just seeing if you might serve that purpose for her... .  be it now or someday down the road.  From what I've come to understand, if she thinks the answer is "no", then it's to be expected that she'll think of you as evidence of the exact opposite of all those nice affirmations she needs.  Being around you very likely will just make her feel worthless and her instinct is to not even want you to look at her.

[FindingMe2011]

Plain and simple a supply, and no it doesnt matter who. Your being mature, and not telling and/or giving her what she normally gets from people is rejection. This in turn has heightened her fears, and what you see is her coping mechanisms in   full swing. Nothing more, nothing less. Its not about you, dont take it personally... .  I wish you well, and it seems you dodged a bullet, PEACE   

[really]

Yes they can't be alone.  They are terrified of it.  Which is why so many of them have replacements lined up well before they end it.

The fact that your co-worker has had that small amount of insight is the first step for her in what will be a long road for her for dealing with her issues.    For me at least I feel that the road to healing will be long as well but at least I have started to be able to accept my role in the dysfunction of my relationship with my ex.

Am sure she was not expecting you to reject her spell.  Am sure she was expecting you to go running back and is incapable of dealing with that.  So she needs to split you black.    

My advice leave it at that... .  probably expect the gaslighting and smearing to start.    Unless she is committed to long term therapy more of the same will ensue.

[newwestbren]

Thanks for the responses. Will I be seen as "the rejecter" now? Very ironic. I didn't reject her; I just didn't jump back into all the melodrama because I don't think there's anything I can do to help her, save for giving her books to read on Cluster B disorders, which she won't anyway.

Such a pain the neck. I do, in truth, feel sorry for her because I suspect she was abused as a child. But it's impossible to try to talk to her as a friend because she's so unpredictable and immature.

I suppose it's fine if she decides to ignore me, annoying as it is. My only concern is if I'm now perceived as the rejecter - will she seek revenge in any way? When she was the rejecter she never did anything to hurt me work-wise. Do I now need to prepare myself for character assault? She makes me so nauseous... .  

[newwestbren]

During her rejection of me, she told me I wasn't smart enough, not successful enough, not good looking enough etc. etc. Did I even know the type of man - far better than myself - who desired her? How could I even think I stood a chance? She's only consider doctors, CEOs, Phds.

Pretty hurtful to hear from a woman who in the months before would cry everyday, saying I was the only one who understood her, how she prayed every day that I was single so we could be married.

If this past week was an attempt to recycle me - I'm astounded that she would think I'd just jump back in. How stupid does she think I am/would have to be?

Why do I feel so sorry for this person who has treated me so badly?

[newwestbren]

Also I don't think she was trying to cast another spell. She didn't say anything about wanting me back, just asked for help.

Does she really want help or is she just trying to manipulate me?

[FindingMe2011]

I don't think there's anything I can do to help her, save for giving her books to read on Cluster B disorders, which she won't anyway.

Only she can help herself, sad but true, and this holds true for anyone. Its a severe mental disorder, read the articles, and posts... .  Telling someone they are crazy, for sure, isnt going to make this better.

My only concern is if I'm now perceived as the rejecter - will she seek revenge in any way?

Hard to say with mental illness. Putting logic to crazy doesnt work well. Best to stay neutral, and boring she will move on, but expect the feeler from time to time.

Why do I feel so sorry for this person who has treated me so badly?

Strong traits of co--dependency, is where most of us get it. The rescuer syndrome

Does she really want help or is she just trying to manipulate me?

She obviously knows there is something wrong. Giving her the advice on talking with someone, is the best thing you could do. Leave it at this. Going any deeper with this person is dysfunctional, as you know. Being in 1 r/s is plenty, take care of this one. I wish you well PEACE