Things are making sense

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The more I read on this site I think my ex has BPD.  There are just a few things that don't add up.  He was not prone to depression, self abuse or had a low aelf image.  If anything it was the opposite.  He was very arrogant, he thought the world of himself. He was great with money, but nothing was ever 'good' enough.  Always a new car, more money... .  something. 

It's the behavior toward me that leads me to believe he had it.  He would change his mind about me at the drop of a dime.  A minor disagreement turmed into a break up.  If I did not tow the line I was out.  Other people's opinion was very important to him.  He always seemed to need a woman to stand up for him.  After months of back and forth me trying to work it out, I moved on.  He lost his mind.  It was a complete 180.  He loved me so much every nasty awful thing he had said or done was now a minor argument.  I was his whole world.  He wanted me back, and nothing I said mattered.  Again.  This time it was HE wanted ME.  Before it was he put up with me and was on thin ice most of the time.  He was so depressed, he theatened suicide, and of course expected me to be there, and help him.

He stalked me for a year.  During this time he started seeing someone.  He lead he to believe I was the crazy one.  Still, he contacted me said he loved me and if I didnt respond in the way he deemed right, he'd turn on me and attack.  He did stop once she had their first child.  Then about 2 years ago I got a letter, apologizing.  I was so traumatized by this whole situation (after the letter) I didnt leave my house for a year.  Except to buy food. 

I know my mother has BPD, but I'm starting to think he has it as well.  The behavior all of you descibe is right on the money.  There is a train of thought that we all try to work out relationships with our parents with our SO's. 

My question is, am I seeing this because my mother had it, or was he just a narcisstic jerk?

[Eeoye1]

The more I read on this site I think my ex has BPD.  There are just a few things that don't add up.  He was not prone to depression, self abuse or had a low aelf image.  If anything it was the opposite.  He was very arrogant, he thought the world of himself. He was great with money, but nothing was ever 'good' enough.  Always a new car, more money... .  something. 

It's the behavior toward me that leads me to believe he had it.  He would change his mind about me at the drop of a dime.  A minor disagreement turmed into a break up.  If I did not tow the line I was out.  Other people's opinion was very important to him.  He always seemed to need a woman to stand up for him.  After months of back and forth me trying to work it out, I moved on.  He lost his mind.  It was a complete 180.  He loved me so much every nasty awful thing he had said or done was now a minor argument.  I was his whole world.  He wanted me back, and nothing I said mattered.  Again.  This time it was HE wanted ME.  Before it was he put up with me and was on thin ice most of the time.  He was so depressed, he theatened suicide, and of course expected me to be there, and help him.

He stalked me for a year.  During this time he started seeing someone.  He lead he to believe I was the crazy one.  Still, he contacted me said he loved me and if I didnt respond in the way he deemed right, he'd turn on me and attack.  He did stop once she had their first child.  Then about 2 years ago I got a letter, apologizing.  I was so traumatized by this whole situation (after the letter) I didnt leave my house for a year.  Except to buy food. 

I know my mother has BPD, but I'm starting to think he has it as well.  The behavior all of you descibe is right on the money.  There is a train of thought that we all try to work out relationships with our parents with our SO's. 

My question is, am I seeing this because my mother had it, or was he just a narcisstic jerk?

[bpdspell]

Hello there Eeoye1,

I concur about trying to fix what we didn't get in our primary caregiver relationships with our significant others.

As for your ex if his behavior fit's the mold then that all you really have to go on. Many of us on the Leaving Board were dealing with undiagnosed BPD's. It really isn't the label that matters as much as the way you were treated while you two were together.

As far as BPD it is an spectrum disorder and can cormorbidly exists with other disorders. There are varying degrees of BPD: BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch  as well as BPD existing with other forms of mental illness such as NPD. Sounds like your ex was certainly both. What is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)?

My ex was also very cocky, arrogant and grandiose.   But his BPD showed up in his impulsiveness, recklessness, lack of reciprocity and pathological self-absorption. Behind the mask of his arrogance lived a deeply empty, shame-filled insecure man who wanted to be re-parented. I was ten years older than my ex and he loved older women in general because he sought the company of woman as replacement caregivers. The relationship was very lopsided and parasitical in nature. It was all about him 1000% of the time!  

So now you are on the Leaving Board. Read as much as you can about the BPD toxic dance where it take two emotionally unhealthy people to tango. Learning about this disorder will help you depersonalize your ex's behavior towards you.

Keep posting and keep reading.

Spell

[Jay08]

sounds like NPD, i would try researching some of those symptoms and see if that fits him more. Still a very unhealthy PD

[Eeoye1]

Thank you very much.  Very helpful.  I have been almost dedtoyed by this relationship.  I have not been in one since.  It's been almost 10 years.  My self asteem was just blown apart.  I get anxiety attacks when I think I might LIKE someone.  It's terrible. 

I think it is NPD.  The "come closre so I can slap you" is just what he did.  The 'apology' letter was an attempt to test the emotional waters.  He had divorced the woman he had kids with.  He also had cancer.  He wanted to see if I was willing to be his emotional dumping ground again.  I didnt answer but because he knew where I lived. I lived like a hermit.  Constantly afraid he'd show up.

I moved in April and it was like a weight was lifted.  He didnt know where I was.  I sent him an e-mail telling him I did not accept his apology and didnt care how he felt.  I told him I moved and was going to shut down the e-mail account I was using.  I shut down the account after I sent it.  I wanted there to be NO CHANCE of ever hearing from him again.  The only way he could find me now is with a private detective.  HAH... .  he'd never pay for that.  Anyway thanks for the ear.

[Changed4safety]

... .  But his BPD showed up in his impulsiveness, recklessness, lack of reciprocity and pathological self-absorption. Behind the mask of his arrogance lived a deeply empty, shame-filled insecure man who wanted to be re-parented. I was ten years older than my ex and he loved older women in general because he sought the company of woman as replacement caregivers. The relationship was very lopsided and parasitical in nature. It was all about him 1000% of the time!  

... .  Wow, Spell... .  My exBPDbf was 19 years younger than me and definitely had "mother" issues.  And I do not/did not want to be a mother!  I could have written all the above.  Word. For. Word.  Especially the "parasitical".  I'm... .  kind of creeped out now, actually.  I wonder how many other BPD males exhibit an attraction to older women.  :/

[id-crisis]

... .  But his BPD showed up in his impulsiveness, recklessness, lack of reciprocity and pathological self-absorption. Behind the mask of his arrogance lived a deeply empty, shame-filled insecure man who wanted to be re-parented. I was ten years older than my ex and he loved older women in general because he sought the company of woman as replacement caregivers. The relationship was very lopsided and parasitical in nature. It was all about him 1000% of the time!  

... .  Wow, Spell... .  My exBPDbf was 19 years younger than me and definitely had "mother" issues.  And I do not/did not want to be a mother!  I could have written all the above.  Word. For. Word.  Especially the "parasitical".  I'm... .  kind of creeped out now, actually.  I wonder how many other BPD males exhibit an attraction to older women.  :/

I asked mine once, after he'd been complaining about his mother, what sort of mother would he have chosen if he could!

Guess what his answer was?




I was only 7 years older than him 

[id-crisis]

... .  pathological self-absorption.

That isn't in the list is it? I have never witnessed anything like it as I did with the ex. If only he could have stopped obsessing over himself non-stop, his own thoughts, feelings, needs etc. I'm sure he'd be a much happier person.