I just couldn't let it go~grrrr

[Rockylove]

I know better than to get into this with him, but I did it anyway!  Grrrrr!  He talks about "trippin" and if I open my mouth, he instantly gets angry and defensive then tells me that I can't possibly know what it's like because I've never done it.  OK... .  I get it, but he won't listen to what I have to say about it.  I've experienced trances (through different means~~don't judge my sanity here... .  self hypnosis and guided hypnosis)  anyway... .  from what other people have told me of the drug induced "trip" it sounds very much like what happens to me while in a trance.  I've tried explaining this to him but he won't listen. 

I told him the story of a guy that I knew that tripped on mushrooms and liked it so much that he wanted more and more until he was completely consumed by them.  He was mentally unstable before the tripping, but went totally off the deep end after.  My bf told me last night that I was judging him because of his desire to "trip" and that I thought he was crazy for wanting to, etc, etc.  In my mind, I wasn't trying to be judgmental.  Perhaps I was, I don't know.  I AM concerned when someone is hating their reality enough to want to escape it through drugs. 

I suppose most of us who have a couple of drinks to unwind at the end of the day are just as guilty of wanting to escape a bit too.  I use meditation and trances to purge my mind and enhance my creativity... .  he uses drugs... .  is either one better than the other?  (other than the fact that my method is legal)  but the point is that he gets so hostile in defending his position that it's almost like he's possessed by it!   I think that is what scares me most.  I fear that he doesn't like reality enough to want to deal with it and will end up trying harder through the use of drugs to escape than to face it. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

The problem with most of the escapism methods, apart from health and legal aspects, is when they consume you and take priority over aspects of your life.

If you start to build your life around them, then they are a problem and very destructive. It is often at this stage that denial and hyper defensiveness sets it.

It is quite reasonable to express caution and reservation, though usually it has little effect, as the "trip" is more important than your opinion.

Dont worry about not letting things go. The guidelines and lessons are just that, guidelines to help you, not a dictate for your life. You are allowed to be angry, you are allowed to be upset, you are allowed to have feelings and express them, even if at times the outcome is worse. Just accept that is part of being human. If getting things off your chest puts you a couple of steps back, no matter, thats the price you pay, but at least you know that. It is ground you can get back

[CodependentHusband]

Definitely see what's going on here. It does seem that BPD collides with the human desire to be right. I think it does this to such an extent that it's hard to have a adult conversation at times. It turns what should be a stimulating sharing of ideas and thoughts into a battle of who is right. My pwBPD seems to feel the need to be right a lot too. I've learned to let it go. Sounds like you are coming to the same conclusion.

[Rockylove]

Thank you both.  It was quite an argument and it ended with me sleeping in my studio and all the dogs followed me LOL  I'm finding humor in that because my old dog doesn't like the stairs (in fact this is the 1st time he's been up there since we moved in) and his dog curled up in bed with me!  Our little dog came up for a while, but he must have come down at some point and my bf put the gate up so he couldn't go back upstairs.  I could hear him grumbling about the dogs "taking sides" which I thought was very entertaining. 

I probably shouldn't have found such humor in that, but hey... .  

Anyway, I left him a note in the morning saying that I was sorry that we argued, I stated my opinion on the matter of drugs and escaping in one sentence and told him that I didn't feel that it was a subject I cared to discuss with him any more.  I had a very long day and when I returned home, he was back to being himself.  Perhaps next time he brings it up (he is likely to, but I hope he doesn't), I'll be able to keep my big mouth shut!  Good grief!

[waverider]

See having a vent wasn't the end of the world and probably did less harm than bottling it up causing resentment.

One of the things I have learned was that by knowing how to avoid/minimize/reduce conflict it actually empowers you to the point that you dont fear it the same. This means you can let it all out without fearing the consequences of triggering, because you have the tools to limit it and rebuild it.

Previously a situation like this could have blown way out, with long lasting distress, but it didn't. You handled it well.

[Rockylove]

I appreciate the encouragement, Waverider!  It sure isn't easy to know when to keep my big mouth shut and when to let my voice be heard!  I'm still learning.  I was a very shy child and worked really hard at being able to express myself verbally and articulate my needs/thoughts, etc.  During our little spat, my bf said that I need to choose my words more carefully... .  grrrr!  He's a master of vocabulary and can turn whatever I say into a jumble of babbling slop!  I can write much better than I speak... .  a product of my shy past and he knows this.  When we send each other our thoughts via email (which is nutz because we live together) HE is the one that babbles!  He's ultra intelligent (way high IQ) and seems to be able to reduce me to a 2 year old when I'm upset or angry... .  I get flustered!  Again... .  grrrr!  and deep breath.

[CodependentHusband]

Ha! The dog part gave me a chuckle... .  If her dog shows the slightest interest in me, she says, "you stole my dog." it's amazing that many pwBPD can't understand that one person can love many people without it negating the love for them... .  Black and white, indeed!

Glad your morning was better!

[Rockylove]

The dog thing makes me chuckle too.  His dog is fiercely loyal to him, but she doesn't like him yelling at me.  My dog is a basket case when my bf is pissed.  The little dog goes into frantic mode and jumps between us as though trying to make the shouting stop... .  it's all very entertaining after the fact.

I really appreciate my life and am working on not kicking myself too hard when I screw up!  Every day is a new day, CoDe! 

[CodependentHusband]

Oh, I can already tell how much better you are doing! I know you had some tools before you started posting here too though, so, you had a little head start. It's worth the work. While I've been having my bad days every once in a while, at least they aren't so much about my wife directing aggression at me. Still, I think we have some individual tools/methods that work a little better in particular r/s, and with the people involved. You're on your way to finding out what those are.

[Rockylove]

How right you are, CoDe!  I just got another book in the mail and I'm ordering Radical Acceptance (unless I find it at the book store in town)... .  I think that is a must read for me.  I feel so fortunate that I stopped at the thrift store that day and saw Stop Walking on Eggshells. Just knowing that there was a reason for such strange behavior makes such a difference. 

Things certainly have been much more calm and relaxed around here recently.  Not that he doesn't get in a mood, but I'm getting better at dealing with his angry outbursts and he seems to settle down much quicker now... .  and I'm not in a constant state of anxiety any more.  YAY!

[CodependentHusband]

Good... .  And, well, at least you have the dogs on your side when conflict does arrive. 

[Rockylove]

   it's me and the mutts against all odds!

[CodependentHusband]

 

[waverider]

Some of the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) self help books are good for helping with acceptance concepts.

[Rockylove]

Waverider~~any ones in particular you might recommend? 

[laelle]

 

[Rockylove]

thanks, laelle... .  hugs rock!

[waverider]

Waverider~~any ones in particular you might recommend? 

Haven't read that many, reading Russ Harris -The Happiness trap at moment (untill I dropped it in the bath, its wrinkly and drying out now )

Google online articles and even youtube vids as an intro.

Its not BPD specific, though in Aus our states leading body for BPD support uses it in preference to DBT.

Remember the old nursery rhyme about the old lady who swallowed a fly... then everything else trying to catch it, and making things worse, then died. Thats a good example of how often trying too hard to solve things can cause more probs than just accepting them as "just is"

[Rockylove]

I understand.  I'm letting it go now.  I just treated myself to a day early birthday gift... .  a book   Radical Acceptance.