did your pwBPD claim to be ill a lot?

[Depression = 72% of members]

as i'm reviewing the past few years and some of the  that i didn't see as red flags then, i want to see if he did things that were just odd, or if they were symptoms of the BPD.

almost every other day he claimed to be getting sick. he would say that his throat hurt, that his ears hurt. that he was feverish. achy. and i can't quite pin at what points he would say those things, but it was usually first text of the morning (a GM from me would ellicit a, "i feel like crap today" reply back from him) or last text of the evening ("going to bed... .  i feel like ~". he never went to the doctor, though.

and headaches were almost every single day.

is this part of the attention that he sought? i always thought it was odd, and he would never claim to have the flu or a virus... .  it was just like a constant complaint, usually with me offering ways for him to feel better ("get some rest; take some meds; i'm sorry you're not feeling well; how are you feeling today as i know you felt bad when you went to bed last night".

[tryin2moveOn]

as i'm reviewing the past few years and some of the  that i didn't see as red flags then, i want to see if he did things that were just odd, or if they were symptoms of the BPD.

almost every other day he claimed to be getting sick. he would say that his throat hurt, that his ears hurt. that he was feverish. achy. and i can't quite pin at what points he would say those things, but it was usually first text of the morning (a GM from me would ellicit a, "i feel like crap today" reply back from him) or last text of the evening ("going to bed... .  i feel like ~". he never went to the doctor, though.

and headaches were almost every single day.

is this part of the attention that he sought? i always thought it was odd, and he would never claim to have the flu or a virus... .  it was just like a constant complaint, usually with me offering ways for him to feel better ("get some rest; take some meds; i'm sorry you're not feeling well; how are you feeling today as i know you felt bad when you went to bed last night".

[just me.]

To my understanding, mysterious physical ailments can be associated with the disorder.

My uxBPDw suffered an endless series of very strange ailments:  toes going numb, jaw locking, shoulder "hurting excruciatingly for no reason", overwhelming fatigue, nausea, etc.

I've heard several hypotheses as to why there are physical symptoms sometimes associated with the disorder, but I've yet to see anybody express much certainty.  I think a lot of people attribute it to just a physical manifestation of their pain and inability to cope (i.e. things just feel overwhelming to them).  I have no idea if that's the right answer or not.  Maybe it even is just some sort of (presumably unconscious) cry for help or attention.

Before I ever knew about BPD, my wife and I were always looking for a medical reason for her physical problems.  She was often quite concerned that it was very serious... .  possibly MS or something similar.  She got tested for a lot of things, but never got a positive result.

Interestingly, one doctor diagnosed her with Fibromyalgia.  They've learned more about Fibromyalgia in recent years, but at the time of her diagnosis it was a symptom-based diagnosis rather than a doctor being able to identify any mechanism showing the condition.  Still today, they don't fully understand what causes it.  The reason I say it's interesting is because medical research has identified a correlation between Fibromyalgia and BPD (that is to say, having one of these increases your likelihood of having the other).

The implications of the correlation might be telling.  It might suggest an underlying physical cause connected to BPD?  It might suggest that Fibromyalgia can in fact be caused by emotional stress?  Perhaps many of the cases of diagnosed Fibromyalgia are in fact just physical manifestations of the discomfort of BPD?  The possible explanations are nearly endless.  I obviously don't know what the answer is.

What you describe in terms of "achy" and just frequently "feeling like crap" sounds fairly familiar to me.  I'd say it's likely that his physical ailments could have been associated with his BPD.  Determining the line of cause and effect in that, though, seems tricky.


Did a lot of other people deal with nebulous physical problems in their partners?  I'm curious how people interpreted it?  Did it feel genuinely physical or do you think it was a symptom of their mental/emotional health?

[Diana82]

My exBPD wasn't ill a lot, no. But she was frequently tired and run down.

She'd always need to go on short holidays because she was so run down and exhausted. She also went to bed very early.

I think it may have been due to depression.

I have suffered brief bouts of depression and whenever I have- I tend to feel sick more often. I get colds easily, feel run down etc.

My ex had ongoing depression so it was most likely related

[GreenMango]

Depression, anxiety, and other comorbid disorders are not unheard of with BPD.  Sometimes someone can be misdiagnosed too.

Emotional pain can lead to various physical ailments.  Sometimes its psychosomatic but somethings like severe depression and anxiety can take physical form.  The Questions about BPD and BPD behavior has a few threads on this topic of ailments.  Sometimes a little background on BPD helps to explain some of what you experienced.

Have you checked out that board?

[FoolishOne]

Ha... .  that's one of my top five!  My BPDw has absolutely every ailment under the sun... .  I remember she had me go with her to her OB appt!  Drama was limitless with her.  Even a routine physical was of great concern.  I swear, no less than 50% of our phone conversations was about her physical challenges and I recall constantly saying that I'm so sorry you are going through all this.  Being supportive was my #1 job... .  However, if I had anything going on physically (which was rare), she wold offer the token concern, but that wold be about it.

F1

[refuge]

Instant messenger transcript from 2009

HER : I have a problem

That's why I go to the dr

ME: well try ssome drugs again or something

HER: Its a hormonal imbalance that causes anxiety and insomnia and freezing all the time

HER: Because I have this hormone thing And I have to have more tests

HER: Yeah and I have to go back I think it something with my cortisol levels Its so frustrating, tired of feeling like ~

ME:  i think its a big part of your problem

HER:  What is

ME: not sleeping

HER :Yeah its a symptom of the adrenal thing

Whatever

HER all the drs I go to just keep sending me back and forth

ME: have you made an appoint yet

Don't want to talk about it anymore

Its a nightmare... .  


I later found out shes complex dissociative identity+ptsd+ borderline defenses

[wowjer]

When i first started dating my uBPDexw she developed this list of medical problems that she thought she could have.  I thought it was a joke and we laughed about it a lot.  I mean this list included things like spinebifida (spelling).  I joked about this for years with her (the crazy list).  She played it off so well and went a long like it was a joke. 

Howeveras the years went along, weird ailments continuously occurred.  She would have some random spotting and go on birth control (even though she was fixed after our second child).  Then she would blame her lack of sex drive on the birth control.  So then she went off the birth control and there werent any spotting issues. 

She always went had had labs drawn, had a cpap machine at 28 (no snoring or apnea), constant aches and pains.  She blamed the bed so I bought a 2000 dollar bed.  Still aches and pains.  She was always tired.  I mean tired like go to bed at 11, wake up at 7 and take a nap till 930 as I went to work and the kids watched tv. 

So to answer your question, yeah, she claimed to be ill in some way shape or form a lot. 

Why in my case?  I do not think it was for attention.  I think is was so she had an excuse, for what?  For whatever she could use the excuse for.  Just something to use as justification for whatever she needed to use it for.  She always had an out for why she could not do one thing or another. 

She was a relatively healthy 5 foot tall 110lb 29 year old woman.  The girl refused to have medications for our first child until she had to have a c-section.  However, minor aches and pains bothered her so much, would not take tylenol or anything.  Always baffled my mind. 

AND THE RIDDLE CONTINUES. 

[jp254958]

Ex had CONSTANT stomach issues / stomach pain, and MAJOR bathroom issues.  Said she couldn't eat a lot of stuff because of her stomach.

Said she had a condition which made her temporarily go deaf / had vertigo a lot / gave headaches / made her queasy.

Bled about 20-25 days per month.  Took birth control to try to modify hormones and reduce bleeding.  :)idn't stop it.  The birth control seemed to make her emotions harder to deal with.    

Complained about feeling ill a lot in general.  Constantly talked about how tired she was.  Overslept for work more than enough times.  

I could elaborate on some other hygiene issues, but I'll take the high road.  Love mattered more to me than being shallow.

[Shaktipat]

Yes my husband complains of being ill a lot,  especially after not receiving the outcome he want to any situation.

[Dire Wolf]

Yep, for sure!

She loved getting tests done. The hope for a magic cure for whatever was the problem of the moment. So much drama and attention.

What was real and what was imagined and what was real because she got herself tied up in knots I will never know.

Hormone imbalances, stomach problems, bad skin, headaches and general aches and pains. All were things that were on a constant punch list.

Even in "good times" I remember telling her that stress seemed to play a lot into her issues. I said it nicely but it was never well received. Of course she thought there was always something out of her control causing all these problems and she just needed to find the right doctor to get it fixed.

Good luck. I assume she still suffers from all these things but thankfully I never have to hear about it.

Dire Wolf

[peace]

Yeah he Even claimed whiplash although the doctors could never find anything. Always complaining, headaches, getting up late, getting to bed late afternoon

[spaceace]

I won't go into details, but yes... .  almost daily. Every morning there was a different ailment. But I would never hear about it when we came home from work... it would mysteriously be cleared up by then... .  

[unortel]

Yes.  My BPDw would get some illness, possible MS, Diabetes , muscle cramp, thyroid. Always something because" god does not love her".  Most everything clears up.

Always waiting for some drama and attention from me to prove I love her.