did your pwBPD claim to feel ill a lot?

[Depression = 72% of members]

as i'm reviewing the past few years and some of the   that i didn't see as red flags then, i want to see if he did things that were just odd, or if they were symptoms of the BPD.

almost every other day he claimed to be getting sick. he would say that his throat hurt, that his ears hurt. that he was feverish. achy. and i can't quite pin at what points he would say those things, but it was usually first text of the morning (a GM from me would ellicit a, "i feel like crap today" reply back from him) or last text of the evening ("going to bed... .  i feel like ~". he never went to the doctor, though.

and headaches were almost every single day.

is this part of the attention that he sought? i always thought it was odd, and he would never claim to have the flu or a virus... .  it was just like a constant complaint, usually with me offering ways for him to feel better ("get some rest; take some meds; i'm sorry you're not feeling well; how are you feeling today as i know you felt bad when you went to bed last night".

[tryin2moveOn]

as i'm reviewing the past few years and some of the   that i didn't see as red flags then, i want to see if he did things that were just odd, or if they were symptoms of the BPD.

almost every other day he claimed to be getting sick. he would say that his throat hurt, that his ears hurt. that he was feverish. achy. and i can't quite pin at what points he would say those things, but it was usually first text of the morning (a GM from me would ellicit a, "i feel like crap today" reply back from him) or last text of the evening ("going to bed... .  i feel like ~". he never went to the doctor, though.

and headaches were almost every single day.

is this part of the attention that he sought? i always thought it was odd, and he would never claim to have the flu or a virus... .  it was just like a constant complaint, usually with me offering ways for him to feel better ("get some rest; take some meds; i'm sorry you're not feeling well; how are you feeling today as i know you felt bad when you went to bed last night".

[cookiecrumbled]

Oh my goodness - YES.  But not until he had started disengaging from me (I see that now, I had no idea then).  We would be having a perfectly nice evening and talking and flirting and holding hands watching one of "our" shows on television.  And as soon as it ended, he would suddenly complain of stomach problems.  Or a terrible headache.  And it was usually transparent.  I would look at him quizzically b/c the ailment had appeared in a second's time.  He would leave and then text me all the way home to his house, once he got back home, etc. etc.  I swear I think it was from the pressure to hold it together - to act like a normal, sane person.  He could only do it so long before Bill Bixby had to turn into the Incredible Hulk.  And no, I don't like him when he's angry.

Cookie (you may be too young to understand my reference but it was to the TV show in the late 70's/early 80's of the Incredible Hulk played by Lou Ferigno)

[tryin2moveOn]

i used to watch that show

he also would make himself appear to throw up. when i would get really upset or confront him in a lie, he would start gagging and acting like he was going to throw up. it was the oddest thing when it happened - i would honestly not know what to say or do. but it would always end my rage at him or force me to attend to him.

good lord the things that i'm looking back on now... .  just mind-boggling how he would manipulate situations.

[cookiecrumbled]

T2MO -

I read your initial post about your awful exboyfriend.  I am just sick for that fourth child and his wife - to know that he would stop claiming his own children... .  it is frightening that there are people out there THAT EVIL - much less that someone like you could be tricked.  I can tell that you are not naive or a dummy.

I am so sorry and very very proud of you for going No Contact.  I believe this board will help you maintain it.   I am interested in hearing how you began the conversation when you called his wife.  I have wanted to reach out to my ex-boyfriend's former wife so many times... .  I suspect she would say, "YES, he's crazy and YES he has BPD and I've felt sorry for you all this time... .  " but I'm scared.  What if she says no, I don't know what you are talking about - and then tells my ex "Cookie is still obsessed with you, she called me today."

Keep up the good work of NC.  It is very hard.  I'm on day 11 and today is his birthday and I STILL didn't contact him.  The f'er. 


Cookie

[tryin2moveOn]

here is the story behind my calling her (which by the way i had always threatened to do since i never 100% believed his story, too many inconsistencies, and he would say, "go ahead and call her! she'll just lie to you to make you upset so that you leave me.":

once he got the new job in a different city, the marital home coincidentally went up for sale (it's down the road from where we worked together/small town). i asked him about it and he said it was part of the divorce - that she wanted a smaller house, closer to her family.

that house has been on the market since june. he claimed she lived there with the kids, he lived in corporate housing/apartments in the new city. i even visited him a couple of times. he never signed a lease, claimed to move to different apartments on a weekly basis, lielielie. for the most part, he would always come to visit me at my place since he moved which was in may.

fast-forward to a few days after christmas. i just had some sort of moment of clarity or crazy, not sure which, and i googled the wife's name and his new city and BAM there was a hit, in that newspaper, of a home purchase, with both of their names on it. i googled the property, and it turns out they closed on the home in october. nice place, too. big garages and buildings for all of his cars and toys, to boot. i then googled her name and phone number and BAM there was a house line. i called it. she answered. i hung up. my heart was POUNDING out of my chest. he was about 10 mins away, supposed to come over to watch a movie and stay that night. he told me that he had to meet the wife to exchange the kids on his way.

he showed up and i wasted no time showing him the computer. i gave him a chance to come clean. he was still lying, said that she didn't live there. i told him that i had called their home line and she answered. he denied knowing there was a house phone at all. i threatened to call back. he didn't think i would. but i did. a child answered the phone. i had it on speaker. i asked for him by name. and then she said, "hello?" and at that point he grabbed the phone out of my hand. but the touchscreen had already gone dead and he couldn't immediately hang up. so you have the wife saying, "hello? hello?" and me in the background saying, "can i speak with PBD? is he there?" finally he hung up. he gave the phone back to me, silent.

i gave him another chance to come clean. i told him i was serious. that he needed to stop the madness. that the lies were unraveling. that the truth woud set him free. he refused. said that i didn't want to hear the truth, that i never did. that he always told me what i wanted to hear. that it was pointless to tell me any truths.

at that point my phone rang, from a different number. it was a cell line, based on the numbers. i showed himt he phone and asked if it was her number. he played stupid. so i answered. she was genuinely worried and concerned. she asked if he was there, and i said yes. she asked if he was ok, that she was worried there was some car accident. i said, there's been no accidnet, he's at my house, perfectly safe. he drove down to stay the night with me. he told me that you two are getting divorced. is that true?

and she said no, after a heavy sigh. she asked if i was (my name) and i said yes. she said that her BIL had told her a year ago that we were having an affair and she confronted BPD and of course he lied. she vbelieved him. she was telling me that her family almost wasn't even talking to her now. she sounded upset, but she didn't yell at me. we stayed on the phone for 30 minutes. i didn't tell her about the worst parts. i did answer her questions, which were few. she made some comments about to tell him that she had nothing to say to him tonight, that if he wanted a divorce, he coud pay for every penny of it, that she had no money since he didn't support her and wanted to leave her penniless, and her last requrest was to have me ask him if he was going to tell his family about this or should she. i thought her reactions were all very odd. she was also very concerned for my safety and begged me to call the cops as soon as i got off the phone. he was standing there, completely silent, while we talked. she was convinced that he would rage on me as soon as we hung up. i agreed and said i would. i apologized to her, and then she thanked me for apologizing, and we hung up.

i completely accept my manic behavior to even do such a thing, but he was still denying everything. i desperately needed someone to just TELL ME THE TRUTH. i've felt like i was insane for the better part of three years now, cathcing him in lies only to have him steadfastly deny everything.

our last convo was tuesday night, and even up to then, he calimed that she had asked him very little about me or us, that she was mostly giving him the silent treatment, that he was sleeping on the couch. i don't even believe that.

oddly, the house doesn't have the For Sale sign out anymore. i wonder if she has decided to move back, tkae the house off the market, etc. but the children - they were pulled out of their schools and moved away from family and friends in october, only to what? move back? i don't know how they're going to lmove forward. and sadly, i think about it a lot. i do feel the guilt still.

[Shaktipat]

Yes,  all the time. Especially when he doesn't get his way.

[TheRealSully]

WOW!

Are these people just robots or something?

I can't believe the things I'm reading.  My ex wife (divorce today) used to be "getting sick" or have a "sore throat" or stomach problems or a "migrane" several times a day to the point where I  just got tired of listening to her BS.

I can't believe our relationships and marriages were exactly the same, but with different people.  Even down to this stupid hypochondriac stuff.  Amazing. 

If only I knew what BPD was 10 years ago, I could have ran.

[Changed4safety]

Mine did have some legitimate complaints--type 1 diabetic with neuropathy in both legs (was with him at doctor's so I know that part is true) as well as a terrible, mysterious shoulder condition that no one could really properly diagnose.  (He was in his late 20s).  These things of course interfered with his job search (never had a job in the four years we lived together, it "limited" him too much and he kept trying to get on disability.)  Of course that didn't prevent him from enjoying his hobbies, which often were very physical.  When asked about this, he said he could manage for a day or two but would "pay" for it later--sure enough, he'd be gone all weekend and for two or three days would be too weak to do anything.  Which means guess who took care of everything?

It was part of how he courted--he played on my sympathy and when I snooped on his AIM (after way too long of my gut screaming he ws cheating and me trying to be honorable... .  and yes, I found explicit cybersex) he always emphasized how he was "frail" to the girl, who of course felt sorry for him. 

Now, imagine this, he has a job, and he has to ride a motorcycle in winter (hard on the legs) to work... .  hm... .  

[goodguy]

yes, my BPDex claimed to have headaches and backaches constantly. Always said she was physically "falling apart". The number of back rubs I gave that were never returned... .  

[goodguy]

WOW!

Are these people just robots or something?

I can't believe the things I'm reading.  My ex wife (divorce today) used to be "getting sick" or have a "sore throat" or stomach problems or a "migrane" several times a day to the point where I  just got tired of listening to her BS.

I can't believe our relationships and marriages were exactly the same, but with different people.  Even down to this stupid hypochondriac stuff.  Amazing. 

If only I knew what BPD was 10 years ago, I could have ran.

I feel like it'b be hilarious if all the guys on here met up at a bar... .  we'd all pull out pictures of our exes and realize we were all dating the same woman.

[cookiecrumbled]

WOW!

Are these people just robots or something?

I can't believe the things I'm reading.  My ex wife (divorce today) used to be "getting sick" or have a "sore throat" or stomach problems or a "migrane" several times a day to the point where I  just got tired of listening to her BS.

I can't believe our relationships and marriages were exactly the same, but with different people.  Even down to this stupid hypochondriac stuff.  Amazing. 

If only I knew what BPD was 10 years ago, I could have ran.

I feel like it'b be hilarious if all the guys on here met up at a bar... .  we'd all pull out pictures of our exes and realize we were all dating the same woman.

Good guy-  I was thinking the same thing except us girls come too and we all get matched up and live happily ever after!   

[lost007]

Headaches, neck pain, palpitations. Nausea, stomach pain, diarrhea. Rarely a day passed where she did not have some ailment. Constant questions. Do u think I have fever? Do u feel that knot in my back. Do u think one hip is higher than the other? Dozens of doctors appointments. She was actually very well. Was exhausting.

[jdcthunder14]

Migraines, stomach aches, dizzy, normal headaches, exhaustion etc. etc. Then to top it off a sinus infection (that was real) that she then refused to take her antibiotic to treat. She would come up with excuses as to why she couldn't take it then let the infection get much worse so she could be sicker. This is all attention seeking behavior and part of the disorder so I have read.

[imstronghere2]

Yup.  Years ago I started to keep a log because I knew I wasn't imagining this to the extent that it was.  My exBPDw complained of being sick more than 200 days in one year.  I found out these are called somatic symptoms related to her depression but the depression was a direct result of the BPD issue.  One thing that she would get REALLY pissed off about is if either me or my kids would say "You're sick AGAIN?".  Towards the end though it was like clockwork.  The one night that she would go out with me (and it was ONLY to be in the company of other men) she would feel INSTANTLY better.  The VERY NEXT MORNING it was back to complaining about being sick again.  I have no idea, but I sure hope the new "Mr. Wonderful" has to put up with all of this crap.  btw, she abandoned me and our kids and we're MUCH better off without her.

[imstronghere2]

Migraines, stomach aches, dizzy, normal headaches, exhaustion etc. etc. Then to top it off a sinus infection (that was real) that she then refused to take her antibiotic to treat. She would come up with excuses as to why she couldn't take it then let the infection get much worse so she could be sicker. This is all attention seeking behavior and part of the disorder so I have read.

Oh man, I wish I was paying closer attention when I first posted my reply because I would have included this.  That was EXACTLY and I mean EXACTLY how my exBPDw would do it.  When the illness or infection was actually real for once, she would postpone getting help until it was over the top bad to where she had take serious antibiotics and then shove it in our faces about she was REALLY sick.  Man, that used to piss me off.  Thanks for posting that.

[imstronghere2]

yes, my BPDex claimed to have headaches and backaches constantly. Always said she was physically "falling apart". The number of back rubs I gave that were never returned... .  

And this one too.  What is it about the back rubs anyway?  There has to be some underlying meaning to that because this is fairly common.  It's like their way of getting 100% of our attention and them not having to reciprocate anything.  Has to be something like that.

[Gladto be away]

No mine was Superman according to him.

[Changed4safety]

Yep, in four and a half years I got exactly two halfhearted backrubs,  Cannot count the number of times I gave him one.

[LetItBe]

Yes, mine did.  It's no surprise since emotions get stuck somewhere if they're not somehow released.  That often manifests as illness and pain.  Can't really separate the mind and the body... .  they are one and the same.

[TheRealSully]

Wait... .  the stomach was BPD too?  I can't believe this stuff!  I'm just shocked!   

Mine had a horrible tract that used to put food through it in hours and it would come out liquid.  That's about the only thing that was actually wrong with her. 

It was always some panicked, "Oh no!  I think I'm getting sick!" 

[kauaikami]

OK, granted mines had other issues besides just BPD... .  he not only complained of back aches, feeling nauseated, minor things like that, elbow hurts (these were probly legit) but there was also the "cracked skull" (which ER visits and X-rays showed Nothing), the "someone came in the middle of the night and drilled a hole in my tooth"---which he then went for an emergency dental visit and the dentist yanked a perfectly good tooth with only a small cavity OUT... .  and then it was "he injected me with HIV!"  "I need to sue them cuz this was a perfectly good tooth!"... .  then he "found" the tiny drill bit that fit perfectly in the hole, which of course, confirmed all his paranoia's---oops, I mean 'suspicions'.  Then there was the "you shoved a rat up my a$$" or "they" (the people who have his house bugged and trying to steal his property who are sometimes associated with the FBI) did something to my butt" (he would get constipated from opiate withdrawl medication) 

This was also a drag me to the ER (basically, for an enema).

After a couple years of this and of course, being blamed for alot of it... .  I ignored, dismissed or minimized his complaints (just like he did to me, for Everything from me) and they started subsiding. 

No Contact and I don't have to listen to them At All!

These are part of the reason's I kept telling him "I want OUT of the HOTSEAT!"

Altho I realize that even if I'm OUT... .  I'll probly still be in the hotseat for a long time... .  

but at least I don't have to live it and I sure don't buy into it anymore.

Look how much TIME I have gained now that I don't have to spend it trying to defend myself against

this insanity!

[KellyO]

Hi all   been lurking here for a while, but in this one I absolutely have to reply (and sorry my Engrish, not my native language).

My uBPDex-bf has diagnose of ADHD and is a dry alcoholic, BPD is diagnosed by me, because it is clear for me his behaviour against me was not caused by ADHD, and he acts by the same BPD-handbook as others here and everywhere I read about BPD. It must be an exellent hand-book, they are like clones of eachother. Add NPD traits, and you get the whole picture. He is over 40 years, so am I.

He said something that for me describes in one sentence everything these poor people are. He said "I really like being in hospital, it makes me feel safe!" I was like WHAT? Normal person can tolerate being in hospital ('cos they have to be there to get treatment and to get better). I hate hospitals and can't wait to get out of them. But to feel safe? At that time I took it as I tend to take all people when they say things I don't get: we are all different. But now I can see it is BPD in one sentence. "I like being in a place where I'm center of focus and these people are there just to take care of me, it really makes me feel safe!".

His medical journal is long as a Bible. In the end I was so tired of hearing "I have a feeling I'm getting a flu", I did not even answer anymore. And definitely I did not ask how can I help, because I did not want to cater his every whim anymore (for almost two years I did). He was getting a flu every time he was with me, or so it felt. And when he did get the flu, it lasted two weeks... .  because he did not take care of himself (since when it has been his job to take care of him?). He could go to gym, or play tennis for 4 hours, but couldn't do what I asked him to do, because he was sick and he had to rest. It was just like his hearing, present when it suited him. Add all pains, aiching, dizziness, headaches, stomach pains, on and on and on... .  for such a healthy person he was awfully lot in pain.

And doctors, nurses, psychologists, addiction workers... .  MAN he loved them all. I learned to dread psychologists and his support person (for his alcoholism), because I heard so many times "... .  I have told this shrink and my worker what you said about me (add suffering face)".Of course, at that time I did not always handle his attacks against my personality very well and said some pretty nasty things. Actually, I don't think he lied, but he twisted the truth to suit his needs: to get sympathy. And left out everyhting he did to me (and he did enough to make me loose my will to live ). After final break up I was furious, but now I think what ever he says about me, it has nothing to do with me. He talks about this imagenary woman in his head, we just share to looks.

For one time he had a constant headache for weeks. He ate painkillers like bread. Then we separated, recycled, and when I asked about his headaches, he did not even remember having them. He was clueless, like: did I have headaches, when? I can't recall. I was like... .  dang, how is this possible even? Is he an autopilot all the time, and these pains and complaining are in his programming? But he ate painkillers, all the time... .  I still don't get it, but it is how it is.

I have migreine (diagnosed), and you know, some women things related to my age. So when I was in pain, or sick... .  he was tired of hearing me complaining all the time. I was like his mother with all these fake pains. I just thought it would be good for him to know I'm having a migreine,(so he wouldn't accuse me of sulking or being in a bad mood), silly me. Of course it never stopped him of accusing me of... .  everything. Once I got rota-virus from my nephew, and vomited like a dog. He took care of me (this was in our honeymoon-time) but, he managed to turn it to him even then, it was all about "I'm sure I can't do anything right, I have taken care of my exes, but you are not them and I'm sure you will not be satisfied with me (add suffering face here)" I felt like dead and he expected me to support his ego even then.  , and I did not want to see it. Or, he made drama out of it. I was sick, ou ou ou, he can't touch me, he can't do anything now, he is this POOR guy with sick girlfriend. When I think about it I still grit my teeth.

Btw, I got my will to live back   . I turned myself upside down to find why I was with that person, and why I longed after him so hard. And I learned who I am, and I learned to see reality. It is hard, but rewards are... .  unbelievable. Never in my life have I felt freedom like this.