I'm Now DIVORCED (After 10 years marriage, 12 relationship)

[TheRealSully]

 

Being a guy who gives 100% in my relationships, I never thought I'd end up divorced.  I need to share my story here though, from beginning to end, to try to have closure, because as you all know, BPD spouses give no closure.

First, there was love.  We fell hard not just because of the BPD, but because of the fact that we were male and female versions of the same person.  There was nobody on Earth like me and all sorts of people commented on how good we were together.  Heck, even at the bank when she was taking more of our money when we went together the teller told her to reconsider.

Anyway, we were in deep love.  We spent 24/7 together, since we worked together on boats and in small businesses and stuff our whole marriage.  it was heaven

3 years ago, she says she wants to build a new boat for us to travel the world an keep on working on boats, as we had been.  We needed an upgrade to attract customers. 

Well, she sends me off 1000 miles away to build it and I faithfully put in 60-70 hours a week building our new home and her dream. 

As time goes on, we are just fine, surprisingly.  We do not drift apart.  We talk for 2 hours on the phone a day average.  We are strong enough to handle the hardship.

2-3 months from the end of the project (december 14th), she says, "I love you.  I wish you were here to go on a walk.  I miss you. , etc... .  "  December 15th, we are now getting a divorce. 

Let me delve into the more risque part too now.  She had been working as a dancer (stripper) while we were building the boat.  She was not the bad kind, just the kind that puts on a show and gets paid for it.  I was fine with that.  No problem.  So sometime in December, she moves closer to where I'm building the boat because her old club had too many prostitutes working and she couldn't make money.  The new club in FL (5 hours away from me) turns out to be full of prostitutes too.  So... .    she decides to become one herself!  She doesn't consult me, doesn't ask for help, doesn't even think about it.  She just becomes a prostitute.  Some client of hers throws money at her disrespectfully after one of her sessions at the club and she snaps.  FOREVER.  That was December 15th. 

Her personality did a 180 degree shift. 

Before:  Contemplative, reader, thinker, no drugs, no drinking, no tattoos, a wholesome, quiet, happy life.  Very well balanced and centered, because Zoloft cured her BPD outbursts and anger. 

After:  Out partying all night, doing drugs, drinking, huge new tattoo that goes from her right shoulder down her chest around her entire fake boob, angry outbursts, made up some "dangerous ex" character about me in her own mind, dating some guy with pretend wealth (leased fancy car, house worth less than we had in savings before she took half, etc... .  ), but tried to make me feel bad by saying this guy with a mullet (sorry people who have one) was some kind of great gentleman.  I looked the guy up on facebook and he has pictures of him with other hookers and in that club she was in!  Unreal.  He's swilling from bottles of booze in the rest of the pictures.

She has had plenty of misses with reality over the 12 years we were together.  She has gone into episodes like this for days and weeks.  I could always bring her back.  This time, she created an enormous wall between us (no communication, lives behind a gate, etc... .  ). She set it up so I can't reach her. 

She has only permitted communication if it was to get $50K from me or to sign divorce papers.  She kept saying we'd be friends.  Lied.  Kept saying we'd still talk.  Lied. Basically lied to me to get me to give her money and divorce papers. 

Lastly, today, the papers came in to her.  After sending friendly messages to her for a couple weeks and getting nothing back, she texts me this:

":)ivorce papers came in.  It is OFFICIAL!  We are divorced!  "

That is the coldest thing I've ever had done to me.  Her cheating and lying wasn't nearly as bad as rubbing in the fact that she destroyed my life, our future (that boat was all of our money and 3 years of my life in labor and now I don't have enough to finish it), destroyed everything. 

I'm angry today.  Very angry.  I can't believe someone who told me "our ashes will be mixed when we are dead", "I'd be a nun in a convent if you ever died", "I can't imagine being single", "I love you", "I want to travel the world on our new boat/home", "I want a new boat/home so let's spent 3 years building one", and on and on... .     turned into a different person, literally overnight. 

She was called CC in high school.  I had a good wife for nearly 10 years, except those angry outbursts and losing touch with reality.  Now, the wife I had is gone.  She might as well have died in a car accident.  It's no different.  She is not there anymore. 

There is just this husk of a person there, with a big tattoo and her boobs hanging out around town, with a dazed, glassy look in her eyes, the usual crazy look, that is there permanently.  She is gone.  Gone forever. 

I miss and love my real wife.  I hate CC with a passion.  I am actually finding myself wishing harm comes to her.  That's bad, since I'm a really mellow, easy going, helpful guy, like all of us BPD spouses probably are. 

Well, thank you for letting me vent.  I probably said some mean things, but I'm in the "angry, just got divorced today, she rubbed my face in the divorce papers" mood.

BTW:  Is there another mood that will come later, or do people hate their divorced spouse forever?

[TheRealSully]

Missed the edit button somehow, but wanted to mention, as your hate for your BPD spouse grows, her beauty and sensuality really diminishes compared to other women.  That's a good thing when because of love, you had previously thought she was the most beautiful person on the planet.

[bpdspell]

The Real Sully,

It's great that you've chosen to vent here. You have every justifiable right to be angry but try your best to not let anger consume you. Are you in T or getting some kind of therapeutic assistance? These articles can help with insight:

Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

I used to hate my ex as well. He treated me very poorly. I found a woman in his bed. He lied, manipulated and conned me out of money, he never gave me a thing, and he cheated like a card shark. There were so many lies, untruths and in the end he physically assaulted me.  In the aftermath I actually wished death upon him... .  I was in such a rage at the injustice of it all.

It will take time for those feelings to subside but you're human so I wouldn't beat myself up too badly about that. People with BPD are truly miserable people in every sense of the word. What we get from them on the receiving end is only a drop in the bucket of how they really feel about themselves. I couldn't see it before but my ex was ROTTED on the inside and damaged really badly from all of the ___ he's given people over the years. He was very insecure, lonely and broken and worked really hard to cover it up.

Your divorce is to be mourned and grieved but you will come out better on the other side.

Spell

[TheRealSully]

Thank you, Spell.  That was a very kind and nice post.  I really appreciate that you took the time to share. 

So the hate will fade... .  that's good, because I have never felt this before.

[imstronghere2]

TheRealSully - brother our stories are all so similar yet each of us have our own unique twists and turns but the results are the same.  My divorce was close to a year and half ago and I'm still working on not hating.  It's getting there.  For some it takes longer than others.  What I found was (and this was with the help of a psychologist) is that I don't need to hold on to the hate to be a barrier between me and the exBPDw.  I don't need to hate in order to protect myself.  Not hating doesn't mean that I condone nor forgive what she did.  It just means that I don't hate and once you can release the hate, you can finally start to truly heal and rebuild.  My exBPDw also did a 180 and became someone we didn't know.  I actually said to her before she moved out "I don't know who you are.  Has this person been there all along?" and she replied "Yes, just repressed."   Incredible, is it not?  Stay the course and you'll come out of this ok.  We all have the scars.  Nothing we can do about that but hopefully it's enough to keep us from ever repeating this same mistake again.   Good luck man.  You're in good company now.

[TheRealSully]

My exBPDw also did a 180 and became someone we didn't know.  I actually said to her before she moved out "I don't know who you are.  Has this person been there all along?" and she replied "Yes, just repressed."   Incredible, is it not?  Stay the course and you'll come out of this ok.  We all have the scars.  Nothing we can do about that but hopefully it's enough to keep us from ever repeating this same mistake again.   Good luck man.  You're in good company now.

You know what?  I know what yours meant about the repressed personality.  My wife's name was C and hers had a name.  It was first made up by people in her high school, but then I used to refer to this other personality that would break out every 6 months to a year.  She and I both called this personality CC."  It's a super ugly, ultra mean, stop at nothing to get one over on everyone character.  She has a funny stare... .    like a glassy, out of focus look when she is in that personality.  I have been able to bring her back out of it many times, but this time, she stuck in it for good, since I was away working. 

So believe it or not, I woke up this morning and realized I didn't hate my wife.  I hate CC and everything she has done to ruin both my life and my wife's life.  I mean, my wife and I had a perfect marriage. There was nothing wrong with it at all.  Best of friends, no fighting (once Zoloft took out her BPD rage events) and just a team... .    2 people working with each other.  Then... .    CC took over and I lost my wife entirely.  She's gone.  She doesn't even exist.  I realize I still love my wife very much.  I miss her.  Would welcome her back, but she is absolutely gone.  Crazy Candace is all that is left. 

I look at pictures of CC on Facebook with some new tattos, all kinds of bright red dye in her hair, pale and emaciated, sickly looking.  I can't believe this is my wife's body (with another mind destroying it). 

But I made it past the hate.  I don't hate my wife.  She is lost inside CC now and will probably be gone forever.

She might as well have died in a horrible car crash.

I do, however, utterly despise CC. 

[TheRealSully]

And... .    she created a new Facebook to bring her back to when she was a teenager, adding friends she hasn't talked to in more than the 12 years we were together.  In fact, she's doing everything she did as a teenager, including the stupid red dye in the hair and a new tattoo.

This is all that's left of my wife. 

She used to be less pale, no tattoo, more in shape, have normal hair, a full face instead of a skeleton, etc... .     

Was trying to post that facebook picture up here, but it looks like this board doesn't allow pictures.  Too bad.  It's very illustrative and crazy to see what she has turned into, even physically, in a month since CC took over.

[Rose Tiger]

Oh man, my jaw is dropped on the floor.  That is beyond harsh, the coldness, the betrayal, horrible.  I feel like my husband died, too.  He was gone and some pet cemetary person replaced him.  It was exactly like he died in a car accident was just... .  gone.  What makes me angry is just the unfairness of it all, to have someone you love just turn on you, no explanations, like they were bit by a rabid dog or something.  This disorder is so freaking destructive.  I hate what it does to them and I hate what it does to us.  The only good thing in all of this muck, we do heal and recover.  It does start to get better, slowly, but it does get better.  I bet that is a beautiful boat, dang!

[myself]

RealSully, that's good to hear that you don't hate her (as much) now. Pretty understandable how you would get there going through this heavy change, with the betrayal of it all.    The hate you felt was an extreme. Just as you won't keep hating her like that, you won't love her like you once did, either. I don't get why she was so happy to be divorced. I guess some people can't handle it when it's going too well, they crave chaos. What reason did she give for even ending the marriage? Doesn't matter now, it's over, but at any point did she reach out to you saying she had problems with drugs, problems with a pimp, with dyeing her hair with too much red stuff, or anything? I hope you find a way to get your boat finished, and that you can keep your focus on the positives you DO have rather than the (sorry to say) negative mess you're now divorced from. Sail away and live your life the best you can. Best wishes.

[Surnia]

TheRealSully

So sorry to hear about your relationship and the very sudden divorce.

Seems that she is really in a different world now. And this is very difficult to deal with. 

I agree with you, something is not healthy at all. It rings some bells about bipolar to me.

I think you are on a good way to seing both sides, both faces! This can help to detach.

[TheRealSully]

Thanks for the responses, folks.

Without contact, it has been a slow puzzle to figure out how this happened.  I keep finding out more from people she has talked to.

I don't know if it's possible to have BPD and bipolar at once, but she definitely had BPD.  She had every single symptom except the self harm or cutting.  She would tear any imperfection off her face/body, leaving a bleeding hole, but I'm not sure that qualifies as self harm.  All the rest of the symptoms were there though. 

If she has BPD and bipolar, there is no hope at all for the poor girl. 

And no... .  no signs of anything unusual about her red dye.  Her reasons for ending the marriage, which I got her to write down on paper were:

*I didn't do enough dishes when she had her breast augmentation (though I did wait on her hand and foot for a month, getting up every 4 hours to make sure she had the correct medication and generally ran the whole household for that time)

*I needed to walk on the correct side of the sidewalk when we took walks... .  the traffic side (we usually go on walks in nature where there are no cars anyway).  Not sure I understand this since bad dogs or dangers from a yard seem to be more of a concern usually.

I'm forgetting a few others, but they were less significant than these.  She really couldn't come up with any reasons, actually.  We had no problems when she was in her regular mode, other than the angry BPD style relationship ups and downs.  The Zoloft worked wonders on that, but didn't change any of the other BPD symptoms. 

She started doing drugs, hooking (without a pimp, she met this guy while he was a customer of hers while she was hooking), getting new tattoos and dying the hair red, AFTER Dec 15th, when she started the divorce with me.  All of this happened within 2 weeks of her snapping, other than the hooking, which started maybe around Thanksgiving. 

She usually goes off the deep end from Thanksgiving to New Years, but this was a lot worse than I've ever seen it. 

So anyway, yeah, my wife is basically dead now.  There is a zombie, pet cemetery type thing living in her old body. 

I need to raise $20K to finish the boat to a very basic standard and operate it as just a bed and breakfast in order to raise the true $50K i need to finish it to the perfect standard that was intended. Of course, I now have no career to speak of anymore outside my small business of taking people on vacation on these boats.  Essentially my small business is one of taking wealthy people on vacation for a fee on boats.  Kind of lost at this point though... .    like most newly divorced people are.  My career path was destroyed as well by this.

Ok, well, thanks for the input and extra follow on questions about my version of the mess we have all been dealt. 

It is very comforting to hear that I'm not the only person who has gone through this. 

[imstronghere2]

I don't know if it's possible to have BPD and bipolar at once, but she definitely had BPD. 

It is very comforting to hear that I'm not the only person who has gone through this. 

Yes, it's possible and the symptoms from several disorders can cross over together.  BPD, HPD, NPD, Bi-Polar.   My exwBPD exhibited behaviors from it all.  What a mess.

And there are way too many of us that have gone through this unfortunately.  Her drastic change in her outward appearance is also fairly common.  Mine did that too.  The transformation is shocking to us.  Mine had the glazed over eyes just like yours which is also common and scary to look in to.  It's like you're looking in to a soul less human being.  It's something we will never forget and pains us so much because this was a person we loved unconditionally. 

No, you're not alone and we will persevere. 

[HarmKrakow]

At Sully,

I hope you realize that she was mentally ill, and therefore, her, not very 'nice' behavior is something you could not have prevented. Although you might think of the good times, she doesn't know better. And unfortunately won't ever realize that. It's not your fault, you tried your best and hopefully you realize that at moments when you miss her, that she probably won't feel the same way and therefore hopefully your detachment will become smoother. Just my 2 cents.

And seek help, go to a shrink, psychologist, whatever I do that 2, and it helps. And of course, this forum helps to, the power of familiarity is strong.

[gottafixit]

I, too, like most of us, hated that crazy person that would show its face.  Things would be fine, but alays lurking was that trigger that wold bring her back - and every time she got worse.  Her entire memory of the many happy years we had together just started to change and fade.  We were always so proud of ourselves for making a special weekend just for us 4 times a year, once each season.  Plus the regular family vacations and travel.  Now, I swear, she says we NEVER did that? Like it just vanished from her life? Even ex- boyfriends that she told stories about turned intohow she was raped?  Even her sister said none of it is true, just figments of her imaginatio.  I suppose the point of my story is like many of you have said - I don't hate her because it's the BPD talking.  I wish I could help her, but am helpless and have to only help myself and our daughter.

[Rose Tiger]

It's hard to think about their lack of emotional memory.  When they idealize us, their memory is they always idealized us.  When they devalue us, they feel like they've always felt that way.  We are the keepers of the memories, that's why it is so difficult for us to move on quickly.  I was reading a blog of a person recovering from one of these relationships.  His ex, four days after the break up told him she was done with mourning.  Four days.  All rightey then.  When you have the emotional development of a three year old, well they don't do a lot of long term mourning.  Grieving is not something they are capable of doing.  Three is the age of magical thinking, they market cartoons like superman to this age group.  They are good at imagination and pretend.  I have a friend whose daughter believed she was a cat at this age.  Same mind set.  It's the age of dress up and acting.

I, too, like most of us, hated that crazy person that would show its face.  Things would be fine, but alays lurking was that trigger that wold bring her back - and every time she got worse.  Her entire memory of the many happy years we had together just started to change and fade.  We were always so proud of ourselves for making a special weekend just for us 4 times a year, once each season.  Plus the regular family vacations and travel.  Now, I swear, she says we NEVER did that? Like it just vanished from her life? Even ex- boyfriends that she told stories about turned intohow she was raped?  Even her sister said none of it is true, just figments of her imaginatio.  I suppose the point of my story is like many of you have said - I don't hate her because it's the BPD talking.  I wish I could help her, but am helpless and have to only help myself and our daughter.

[TheRealSully]

Oh my god... .  this thread was soo helpful.  Thank you very much for sharing.

The glazed over eyes, the completely lack of a memory of anything good that we ever did, turning me into a villain... .  

I thought these were all things specific to my wife. 

Every time I read this board, I am learning something new and finding that I had the same experience. 

Mine, too, basically was trying to break off our marriage of 10 years like breaking up with a high school boyfriend.  She didn't care about assets (she did care about liquid assets), so she was happy to just hurry up and get the paperwork done (in a week) and get us divorced basically instantly. 

I went along with it for 2 reasons:

1)  There is no point in trying to stop someone from doing divorce paperwork.  They can do it without you, and the papers, IMO, don't mean all that much.  You can have a full relationship without the papers, so I just let her have this one.

2)  Since she wasn't after assets, I went right along and we did everything as "no change of ownership" and "no money sought", etc... .  just a simple divorce. 

But as I sat there, signing papers with her, there was this blank, glassy eyed inhuman creature sitting across from me.  Very focused no signing paperwork and getting her cash, but having no recollection of our lives together, or even who I was as a person. 

I guess we've all been there, but to hear about others having those glassy eyed, empty soul moments with their BPD is really reassuring.  Sometimes, she would try to make me think I was crazy for noticing these glassy eyes and things. 

It's also nuts how they forget good memories and just make up bad ones out of thin air half the time. 

Thanks for the posts, everyone. 

[HarmKrakow]

It's also nuts how they forget good memories and just make up bad ones out of thin air half the time. 

Thanks for the posts, everyone. 

Because with BPD people, as i've also read someone else saying it here, always focus on the future, the picture in the coming years, and find themselves little attachment of what has happened in the past. Therefore it's also easier for them to let go of 5 years of 'awesomeness' while for us non-BPD's are like, uhm, hold on a minute? What happened?

It's also a good red flag  for whoever you meet in life in the upcoming years.

[TheRealSully]

It's also nuts how they forget good memories and just make up bad ones out of thin air half the time. 

Thanks for the posts, everyone. 

Because with BPD people, as i've also read someone else saying it here, always focus on the future, the picture in the coming years, and find themselves little attachment of what has happened in the past. Therefore it's also easier for them to let go of 5 years of 'awesomeness' while for us non-BPD's are like, uhm, hold on a minute? What happened?

It's also a good red flag  for whoever you meet in life in the upcoming years.

Oooh!  Smart thinking!  I didn't realize they worked like that.  No wonder she forgets the past - even trivial things.  It also explains why she is a money hoarder.  I'm cheap, but she is incredible in that department. 

Good idea on the red flag too.  I'll ask a lot about the past to see if people remember things and reminisce or not. 

Well, I thought I was all tough and angry and today, I had a single drink socially at dinner.  That drink made my mind wander and damn it... .     all I can think about now is how much I miss my wife and how alone I feel without her in my life.  Not CC, but my real wife.  The person who has vanished.  I have tears welling up.  I'm slipping back here. 

[gottafixit]

Real Sully

Thats exactly why I joined this group - because I can't let go of all the great times we shared before the BPD started to surface for what it is.  A lot of people over the years told me I was a saint for dealing with her since her personality was one of "love her or hate her" - no in between.  But in dealing with all that I put my life on hold and at my age I have to let go and realize it's never going to be like that again.  I can hold on to the precious memories, but can't bring them back to the present or future.

As it turns out, I have met a woman I think I can really enjoy being around, but of course you can imagine how guarded I will be, and always on the lookout for signs.  Sad, but true.

[HarmKrakow]

It's also nuts how they forget good memories and just make up bad ones out of thin air half the time.  

Thanks for the posts, everyone.  

Because with BPD people, as i've also read someone else saying it here, always focus on the future, the picture in the coming years, and find themselves little attachment of what has happened in the past. Therefore it's also easier for them to let go of 5 years of 'awesomeness' while for us non-BPD's are like, uhm, hold on a minute? What happened?

It's also a good red flag   for whoever you meet in life in the upcoming years.

Oooh!  Smart thinking!  I didn't realize they worked like that.  No wonder she forgets the past - even trivial things.  It also explains why she is a money hoarder.  I'm cheap, but she is incredible in that department.  

Good idea on the red flag too.  I'll ask a lot about the past to see if people remember things and reminisce or not.  

Well, I thought I was all tough and angry and today, I had a single drink socially at dinner.  That drink made my mind wander and damn it... .    all I can think about now is how much I miss my wife and how alone I feel without her in my life.  Not CC, but my real wife.  The person who has vanished.  I have tears welling up.  I'm slipping back here.  

I've been there and done that. I cried for a good month and a half, sometimes for hours. How can she step so easily over this stuff? Then people told me why are you crying so much about her?

1) Everytime you contact her and you cry she's like, why are you crying? Showing no emotions

2) Do you think she shares the same pain?

And eventually the crying stopped ...

[GlennT]

I also want to tell you one real thing Sully: They are psychotic, yet very smart. She will come back to recycle you, and you need to build up your strength by learning all you can now, from the thousands of victims, to protect yourself, or waste the remaining years of your precious life with  her, or thinking about her, on the BPD rollercoaster ride to hell.