Was this a variation of Fear of Abandonement?

[benny2]

You were simply paying attention to something other than him. My ex was jealous of my new dog. She is an older dog and stayed right by my  side. She is the sweetest little thing you could ask for. He would not even pet her. He made the comment "now I have been replaced" I did not know what to say. As for the forgetting thing, he did that all the time. When I would ask him, usually later after the silent treatment, about things he had said he would respond "I don't remember saying that. Must be blackouts or something.

[KellyO]

What is shadow work?

Shadow work is something Debbie Ford (find her book "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" if you are interested) teaches. Root is in Jungs theory about Shadow-self = parts you have hidden about yourself. Every person has a shadow self, some more than others. Mine was not small. My ex must have a Shadow-giant. I'm still working with my shadow. My ex saw how I changed, said many times it is amazing how differently I react to all and how differently I see things... .  and he can't see how much he lies to himself. It is sad, it is ugly.

I had to  to your ex and his denial... .  doesn't it feel like something that can give you an aneurysm? I always felt like my brains are going to blow up. He actually blaimed me for not being able to be alone (I had been alone 2,5 years before meeting him, not dating), and I'm the one who can't be without a man for two weeks. Guess how long it took for him to line up his dating profiles after every break up? Exactly two weeks. This is from person who said he has never, ever, ever in his life tried to find a relationship... .  he does not chase after women. I believed him.

Now I can find the thruth in this all: no, he did not chase after women, he wanted women to chase him. Internet is a perfect place for that. Isn't it a godsend for every disordered personality? He did not want to be alone, and saw my ability to be alone (little did he understand that I had to learn to be alone, he can't see why would anyone torture him/herself like that?), he was envious of it, he saw it gave me freedom, I did not have to suck up people in the fear of being alone, and so he felt a shamed of himself... .  so he had to lie to himself, and to me (who did not need that lie), that he never pursues relationships. And he has to believe what he lies. For such an honest person he lies all the time. I say honest, because he really does not lie about anything else. He has been brutally honest about his life. But when it comes to his personality, his disorted view of things, relationships... .  he lies, and he believes every word of it. Of course he knew I did not believe him after some time, but it was OK for him if he managed to manipulate, blackmail or threaten me to ACT like I believed. Now when I think I have to shake my head for myself, how could I hate myself so much I took all that?

[benny2]

I think that was the one thing that bothered my ex the most. The fact that I knew everytime he was lieing or menipulating me. I actually caught him one morning pulling into his ex wifes driveway after he went through hell trying to convince he had to leave for work early. He over emphasized it. I knew something was wrong. He was pacing around the house that morning and very nervous. When I confronted him with it, it was one lie ontop of another. Then I told him, "did you forget you showed me how clearly you can see headlights through the woods in the dark?"  His ex wife lived 2 houses down the road. He then thought he could fool me by leaving his truck in the driveway while I was at work so he would have witnesses that could testify his truck being there while I was at work. Little did he know, I found the path he had made in the snow leading to her door. He could not menipulate me and that is why he knew he had to have me out.

[PrettyPlease]

Wonderful thread!

Pinkpeony, thanks for the great writing, and everyone else for contributions. Took me right back to those crazy-making conversations. I just now had the thought that I'd describe them as sort of externalized neurofibrillary tangles. I know I'm borrowing a term from another disease but it does seem to fit. I think you might know what I mean.

schwing, thanks for the good description of how object constancy fits into the whole picture. I like understanding this in order to move past the 'they're purposefully manipulating and deceiving us' interpretation. That can happen sometimes I think, but mostly it seems that they forget (or never learned how to remember) and then need to confabulate to fill in the gaps for themselves (and us).

And pinkpeony I felt a sense of kinship with your discovery of BPD and reading about it secretly, in order to begin to make sense and so free yourself from the magical reality you were living in. I think I did the same, but not in that way. I began to journal all the conversations, and did this for a couple of years. Then later I went away and read them to myself. My now exuBPDgf used to refer to this as 'shuffling your papers again,' but I think it was critical for me to be able to re-read in private, and make logical connections without being confronted or denied. Eventually it helped me leave.

Last thing: the deer are wonderful. I have them in my yard. A mother left one in sight of my kitchen window for days when it was new. She and her two, larger now, showed up again yesterday after the winter, eating my kale as usual.    I  let them. So much easier to get along with than humans. Hardly any trouble at all.   

PP