They are kicking her out

[Vatz]

I am not a parent of someone with BPD. However, I am currently in a relationship with a BPD and her parents are kicking her out.

She has paid rent for the last year, but they say they can't deal with her and her problems anymore. So they gave her a month to get her things together and move out.

Inevitably, I am being dragged into this. She wants to move in together. For complex reasons I don't feel comfortable discussing here, I cannot really just move in with her. It's not "facebook complicated" it's actually a long story on why I can't quite do it.

Her father doesn't believe in support groups, therapy or anything like that. Her mother, as kind as she tried to be, hasn't exactly used every possible tool to create a functional relationship with her daughter. HOWEVER, I have several times told my BPDGF about why it was never a good idea to snap at her parents or talk ill of them (in their presence sometimes, other times in confidence.)

I am NOT equipped with the tools to take care of her financially. A month is not enough for me to get it all taken care of. But she is given a month to move out.

I do not know what to do. I don't think she'll make it out there, but her folks believe this is the kick she needs.

Some advice? This is really concerning me. Her issues with her family is their problem to deal with, but I feel like soon enough it will become MY problem.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vivekananda]

Hi Vatz,

I can tell how it is confusing for you. You have been placed in a difficult situation. You are worried of course.

Her issues with her family are not your problem. And this is not the right board for you. Discussion here would only lead to more confusion because this is an issue for you to resolve with your gf. You need to be on this board:

Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner

Here there are peers who understand your situation and are best equipped to guide you.

good luck,

Vivek  

[ChemGuy]

Vatz,

How long have you been dating your BPDgf?  Has she been diagnosed with BPD?  Is she seeking / committed to therapy... .  is it effective?  You have quite a few posts so you must have been around here for a while.  Everybody's circumstances are different, but if you're asking for advice I'll give my unvarnished advice. 

You should evaluate very very hard what you are seeking in continuing and romantic relationship with someone that you know has been diagnosed with BPD.  The illness makes is fairly impossible to establish a mature emotionally intimate relationship.  From what I've read, treatment is usually unsuccessful.  You should evaluate your options and decide if you really want to surrender the rest of your life to this illness.

With that said, this sounds very much like an "emergency" designed to make you do something for her (to prove your loyalty and take care of her) that you aren't ready or able to do.  In my opinion, don't be the hero.  How old are you guys?  Why are her parents kicking her out with a 1 month notice?  Why doesn't she have money saved if she lives at home?  Her parents presumably love her but have seen fit to send her off on her own.  Unless they are simply evil people (which is possible, but seems unlikely given your description) don't short-circuit their decision.  Doing so will make their problem YOUR problem.  If she shows a level of disrespect to her parents that is obvious and concerning to you now why would you want to go to pains to take her into your care so she can disrespect you instead?  And make no mistake, if she has BPD that will happen.

It is important to let actions produce consequences.  Her actions have resulted in her parents kicking her out and she has chosen to not have the funds to support herself.  Maybe she doesn't have the skills/experience/etc. to get a good job; then she should have been nicer to her parents who were supporting her.  This may sound harsh, but it's really just reality.

If I were you I would under no circumstances let her move in with you or move in together somewhere else.  If she can't take care of herself now, she will rely on your resources for everything in the future.  That will be a very bad thing all around.

[Vatz]

I have been with this person for almost 3 years. I am 25, she is 22.

What you are saying makes sense. If I am not ready, I should not push my luck.

I do however feel a little guilty because she has helped me out in the past. (But I guess I've been helpful too so... .  )

I feel bad because I don't just want to hang her out to dry. Yes she can be disrespectful to her parents, and I told her a bunch of times how she could avoid troubles with her folks.

Yes a month is no time at all to get established, her father makes quite a bit of money, and her brother already has a family of his own. Unfortunately, they don't have an illness and both of them got their jobs BEFORE the whole big economic collapse. So again, all these factors to take into account which I do feel they aren't considering. In a way you could say they are sort of living in a different world than she is. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it, and nothing I can say to them.

Also there is the fear that she will just walk out on me and find a replacement if I do nothing. On the one hand, part of me realizes that if this does happen, it just means it was going to happen eventually, and that says a lot. But on the other hand, I have invested a lot emotionally already. So it's hard facing this possibility either way.

[Elsegundo]

I think it's ok to support her in her hunt to find aplace and support her move, etc--all the aspects of a big change without her moving in w you.  That is, if that's what you choose to do.  Choose what works for you.  If you want to stay in the r/s but dont want to live w her yet, thats totally ok. 

[yeeter]

Some advice? This is really concerning me. Her issues with her family is their problem to deal with, but I feel like soon enough it will become MY problem.

Hi Vatz,

My $.02:

Do NOT move in with her just because she is in a time of crisis.  Her parents are kicking her out for their own reasons, and you state clearly that these would just become your problems to deal with.  And once you move in together thats going to make your choices all the more limiting.

Sure support her as SHE figures out what SHE is going to do.  That doesnt mean 'rescuing' her by moving in together.  This approach is NOT 'hanging her out to dry' - this is a very rational and mature approach.  And an HONEST one! 

Too many of us here have gotten into difficult situations, or made things worse, by not being honest with ourselves, and not having the courage to act on this honesty.

Be brave.  Listen to your gut, which is telling you its a bad idea... .  

And also note that she may very well just run out and find a replacement for you who will rescue her.  (and you already said it - this just means it would eventually happen anyway)

Courage:  Moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.

Again, just my opinion.

[Vatz]

Yeeter you are absolutely right. It makes perfect sense, and I know deep down that not only am I not ready to move in with her just yet, I'm not ABLE to either.

Although I'm not exactly sure if her parents are actually going to really go through with it. But if they do, she is gonna have some REALLY tough times ahead.

When I mentioned her getting kicked out to my dad he said "Eh, you know right now they are blah blah blah, la la la. But tomorrow they say something else." He said it in english so there was quite an accent and it sounded a lot funnier when he said it. Which he may actually be right. If she isn't ready in a month, what are they gonna do? Force her out? Call the cops? Something tells me they won't go that far.

Thing is, sure I want to maybe help her find a place and what not, but what I really want her to do is march up to her mother and start negotiating for some leeway. For god's sake it's not like she has no leverage at all. She gets a check every month, just saying "I'm paying rent" should pretty much settle any dispute.

[hithere]

My advice is to talk to her and try and figure out a way for her to improve her behaviour in the next month, she should write a letter of apology to her parents and ask to go for therapy.  If her parents see her making an effort to improve they might let her live there longer.

[briefcase]

Thing is, sure I want to maybe help her find a place and what not, but what I really want her to do is march up to her mother and start negotiating for some leeway. For god's sake it's not like she has no leverage at all. She gets a check every month, just saying "I'm paying rent" should pretty much settle any dispute.

Try not to get too tangled up in other people's "stuff."  You have exactly one issue here: telling your girlfriend that she can't live with you.  The parent's decision to kick her out is up to them.  Where your girlfriend lives and how she pays for it are her issues to solve if/when she is forced to move out. You can offer to help her, if she wants your help, but you can't solve that problem for her. 

Getting back to your issue, you can use the SET technique to communicate your decision to her.  Support (I want to help you find a job/place to live).  Empathy (You must be feeling anxious about where you are going to live).  Truth (I can't afford for you to live with me.)   

 

[Vatz]

@hithere

I like this advice. I just hope her folks are willing to give her a chance. Her father isn't the most understanding or patient sort of person, also a little unpredictable. He will probably NEVER educate himself about his daughter's mental illness.

Her mom is, well. She's a good sort of person, and I know that all those years raising her must have taken a toll, but I feel like she may need to hit the books here.

These are things I feel should be done, problem is I cannot just come out and say it, much as I'd like to. It has nothing to do with respect, it's just that I can say these things any way I'd like the outcome will not be good for me. After all, who the hell am I to tell them what to do? (They did however, sit me down when I had to take a semester of college off. For some reason, they weren't too thrilled about that and made it known.)

NONE OF THESE ARE EXCUSES FOR THE BPD'S BEHAVIOR, but I feel like her folks would REALLY benefit from therapy, research and who knows maybe even a support group.

@Brief

You and a lot of people here are giving the same advice. That is to say that if enough people are telling you something is a bad/good idea, it's probably the case. Also, I like the SET technique, the concept is fairly simple.

Unfortunately I feel like no matter what I say it will just prompt a negative response. I understand that I am better off being honest about it, but I sorta feel like a dog that knows it's about to get a beating. You know? Not literally. I know what's coming, and I so badly want to avoid it. There is no avoiding the pain either way, though. The anxiety is pretty heavy on this end.

[yeeter]

I understand that I am better off being honest about it, but I sorta feel like a dog that knows it's about to get a beating. You know? Not literally. I know what's coming, and I so badly want to avoid it.

I definitely empathize with this feeling Vatz.  It's fear at the core (because your honesty will cause her pain, and she will want to inflict 10 times this pain back on you... .  And you would prefer not to experience the pain coming back).  Natural.

But this is part of your own personal growth and development.  Even knowing what is coming, you move forward with integrity and honesty with yourself.

This will make you a better person.  It will boost your own confidence.  (integrity and confidence are highly desirable/attractive qualities btw... .  )

Read again about courage.  Suck it up.  :)o your work.

[vivekananda]

Hi Vatz,

Good to see you got to the right place for you   Someone higher up moved your post for me 

Now, from a parent: We use 'boundary' talk to protect ourselves. That is, we set values based boundaries and stick to them as a way of staying out of the deep end. If it were me I'd say something like: "It is important to me that I don't rush into things. I do not want us to live together at this stage." She yells screams whatever, you reply to her: "you are angry." This is a validating statement. You validate her emotions, what she is feeling... .  usually anger, fear, anxiety or frustration in situations like these. So acknowledge how she feels, then she will know that you hear her. Listen carefully, she wants to be heard. But if it gets too much, you or she has to leave the room. And stick to it 

Sounds easy, but we know it's not. As yeeter says, 'read again about courage. suck it up. do your work.' but I'm a parent I would say: You can do it, you have us to support you, this is just a practise run.

take care Vatz,

Cheers,

Vivek    

[briefcase]

Unfortunately I feel like no matter what I say it will just prompt a negative response. I understand that I am better off being honest about it, but I sorta feel like a dog that knows it's about to get a beating. You know? Not literally. I know what's coming, and I so badly want to avoid it. There is no avoiding the pain either way, though. The anxiety is pretty heavy on this end.

We've all been there brother.  Welcome to the club!     Re-read what Yeeter said.

[waverider]

NONE OF THESE ARE EXCUSES FOR THE BPD'S BEHAVIOR, but I feel like her folks would REALLY benefit from therapy, research and who knows maybe even a support group.

Even if they understood, that is a long way from being able to handle it. Knowledge is not always coping, or we wouldn't have the boards on this site that we do

Unfortunately I feel like no matter what I say it will just prompt a negative response. I understand that I am better off being honest about it, but I sorta feel like a dog that knows it's about to get a beating. You know? Not literally. I know what's coming, and I so badly want to avoid it. There is no avoiding the pain either way, though. The anxiety is pretty heavy on this end.

You can either be a dog that gets a good beating but can back away if someone starts to abuse you. Or you can allow yourself to be tied to a post and be beaten anytime that person gets the whim to do it, as that is what you would have taught her. You will from then on get blamed for everything that is ever wrong, by anyone, real or imagined

Do not delude yourself you will be triangulated against her "evil" parents. To them you will be just a bad influence. It will be like the Bermuda triangle you are in danger of disappearing as a person yourself, and just acting in a reactionary way in a futile attempt to avoid touble.

[Vatz]

acting in a reactionary way in a futile attempt to avoid touble.

Everything you said made perfect sense. This part above I'm not entirely clear on. I think I get the gist of what you mean, but can you elaborate by what you mean by this specific part?

[waverider]

acting in a reactionary way in a futile attempt to avoid touble.

Everything you said made perfect sense. This part above I'm not entirely clear on. I think I get the gist of what you mean, but can you elaborate by what you mean by this specific part?

It means your desicions or actions are based soly on the way she may react, or how your perceive she may react, rather than on good subjective sense. Living in fear of consequences, limits your choices.

eg

"I'm not going to do or say this or she will get mad"

"I better do/say this and she will be happy"

Rather than" I will do/say this as it is the right thing for me"

[Somewhere]

Her folks may be smarter than you think. 

Makes me think of some variation of that old poster . . .

www.sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/20151_294064346370_1015069_n.jpg

[waverider]

Her folks may be smarter than you think. 

Makes me think of some variation of that old poster . . .

[Vatz]

Yeah, that poster sorta describes how I've been feeling about her.

But that's another story... .  

[Vatz]

So some good news.

I told her that I would not be able to move in with her. So she asked why not and I said there are personal family issues that I've been asked not to discuss with anyone. Eventually she accepted that and asked that since she'll be moving close by if I'd be coming to visit her often, and I responded with "Well, yeah, I don't see why not."

And she said "Well actually that helps, this works out because I can try to get it done and figure out how to live on my own and be independent. In the meantime you can sort out things with your folks, and your own situation." Also her she mentioned that her mother said about letting her stay longer so long as she is doing what she needs to do to move out.

So... .  it didn't turn out anywhere near as bad as I thought it would.

[briefcase]

 

Don't you love it when it's not as bad as you fear! 

She may revisit this topic though, so be mindful of your boundaries here.  Your boundaries here may change with time and circumstances, that's ok,  just make sure you know what they are and be prepared for this to come up again.

Build on this, you've said what you needed to say to her . . . and it worked.  The next time something like this comes up, do it again.  It does get easier and eventually you no longer feel the apprehension and dread around these things.

[yeeter]

It does get easier and eventually you no longer feel the apprehension and dread around these things.

   

Its a learning for yourself Vatz - that the outcome can be less than you feared.  And that drawing a line CAN be done.  The more you practice, the easier it gets.

[Vatz]

Hmmm, I drew a line and today it stuck. Yeah, she'll probably bring it up again, but I guess the best way for me to look at it is like just another challenge.

A lot of what was covered here were things that made a lot of sense and really helped out. I am glad I said what I did and stuck to it. Hopefully I can develop a more positive attitude and hold on to it.

Thanks to everyone who posted, and being supportive and validating. 'Much appreciated.