After breakup, he goes for an insecure, mean girl. What gives?

[AllyCat7]

We had a rocky past 4 months since he moved to be in my city. It never materialized into anything serious (and I know he was talking to other girls on the side), so I put some demands on him of late. It pushed him away. We are probably permanently broken up now. After two years, I've had enough.

I was nothing but kind and understanding with him the whole time... .  especially once I found out about BPD. I got dragged down in some of his games at some points, I'll admit, but overall I was respectful and composed.

So the last email of demands I sent Monday of last week, after which he cut me off (Ignored my email. Then deleted me off FB and proceeded to post lots of public pictures). I sent a follow up email telling him I know where we stood and good luck. He replied a short, similarly themed email.

So now he has re-engaged with another girl (one of the many he was rotating) and this one is not only really average looking (If he's a 9 and I'm an 8, this girl is a 5.5 or 6 at most... .  not that looks matter) and, more importantly, she is really angry and mean. I don't know her well but I see her all over FB. I met her once and got a cold, mean vibe from her. And I see her always ranting and being angry on other people's FB pages. I also notice that she has played lots of the FB games with him that he enjoys to play, including making him jealous with a guy that doesn't even like her. She also collects FB friends (probably has over a thousand) and would post public statuses to get all of them to comment/like them and make him jealous. I would notice she would do this after he spent considerable time with me (meaning he was not giving her attention) and he would also sometimes go back to her when he wanted space from me because her page would go quiet.

It's all so warped! Why would he go back to someone who treats him so terribly? I don't get it. I realize that their relationship is most likely doomed as well... .  especially considering he ran to her after two other girls fell through (including me) last week. They played some sick FB game on a public event page last night and I thought he would be done with her, but it looks like they are back to being FB friends as he liked one of her public posts today. I know I shouldn't even be checking this crap, but the breakup is so fresh I can't help it.

I just don't get why he is going for an insecure, mean-spirited person who plays games with him. I would be much more at ease if he moved on to someone kind. I thought pwBPD were sensitive. So why choose a mean person?

At least I realize now I'm done walking on eggshells with him. I'm done with him period, but if he ever does come back, I'm not going to adjust my behavior for him. This mean girl has not (in fact, she goes out of her way to be cruel) so I won't either. Grrr

Sorry had to vent!

[AllyCat7]

The ability with which they can throw people away is astounding. Is this the case with all pwBPD?

[Rose Tiger]

I'm starting to really hate all these modern instant communicators.  FB, text, email. Ugh.  Can you block her and block him?  People with disorders like attention, maybe they are having a good old fashioned chow down on why everyone is a mess but them, who knows.  It is such a determent to your healing and recovery.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

[AllyCat7]

Rose Tiger, I agree!

The thing is whenever I deleted him or blocked him in the past, he shut down on me. He takes it very seriously. i think I can ignore these two idiots for now.

But what I want to know is if I should delete him off of my LinkedIn? I added him last weekend. Well, he added me on FB first (I deleted him a year ago and it always bothered him. We got kinda closer again towards xmas time, after which he re-added me on FB and I added him on LinkedIn). Now that he deleted me off of FB, should I delete him off of LinkedIn? Or is that too petty.

Also, should I go out in flames and post on that event page, too? I want to piss him off. I've let him get away with his antics for far too long without reacting... .  staying cold as ice. I'm tired of it. I want to show him what it feels like. Ughh. I know I probably should be the bigger person, but I need a release!

[Rose Tiger]

I think you should take your computer, Iphone, tv, etc. and chuck them out the window.  Take your dog for a walk.  Get out!  Breath some fresh air!  FREEDOM!

[AllyCat7]

I think you should take your computer, Iphone, tv, etc. and chuck them out the window.  Take your dog for a walk.  Get out!  Breath some fresh air!  FREEDOM!

Well it's too cold and late and dark to go out . And I don't have a dog, unfortunately :-( But I just changed my profile pic on FB (something I haven't done in about 8 months out of respect for our relationship). I didn't do anything else too crazy, but I hope that signals to him that I'm pretty much done with his BS.

I have to keep reminding myself of the bad times. He was coming back to me a little bit towards new years, but when I tried to get close, too, he kept pulling away. And then I snapped and sent him a couple emotional emails. That warrants being cut off, apparently, but playing evil facebook games and toying with his emotions does not? Okayyy. That makes no sense. I guess they are all masochists who need to be treated like crap since that's what they think of themselves. I'm going to go find someone with some self worth.

[myself]

I think you should take your computer, Iphone, tv, etc. and chuck them out the window.  Take your dog for a walk.  Get out!  Breath some fresh air!  FREEDOM!

That really made me laugh, and it's some great advice/encouragement, too.

I guess they are all masochists who need to be treated like crap since that's what they think of themselves. I'm going to go find someone with some self worth.

Sometimes people don't feel good about themselves, and end up with others who don't. Because they feel that's what they deserve, or what their only options are, or... .  We've all done it. It's why so many of us are here. The second line of your quote is the part where, besides looking ahead, you can also see you've already found someone of worth: Yourself. Being that, you can better share it, with somebody more positive, in time.

[Rose Tiger]

Yes, I agree with Myself.  You are what matters now, you are important.  Getting in the weeds with petty stuff, you are above all that.  Wish them well in your heart and focus on you.  Holding grudges, revenge, all that, it holds you back from healing and recovery.  Taking the high road builds self esteem, being the mature person, not playing games, it all comes around.  We reap what we sow, offering forgiveness to those that do not deserve it, that's huge.  It's also very freeing.  You know that saying, what goes around, comes around.  That will take care of those that hurt you.  You reap forgiveness and love, guess what come comes around to you?

And please get yourself a dog.    Ok, personal like here but oh, they are so fun!

[AllyCat7]

Thanks for your feedback, Myself. You are right. I am definitely learning to value myself more. I was valuing him more... .  maybe loved him more than I loved myself. And what did it get me? Nothing. He cheated on me the whole time and replaced me instantly every time we broke up. It didn't used to bother me as much, but I think I've reached my breaking point. He has given me soo little in the last 3 months it's ridiculous. Granted I sort of broke up with him towards the end of September, but that's because he was neglecting me and I heard he was talking to other girls. I should have let him go completely back then but I didn't. Instead, I pulled him back. But he was never the same after that. He only dealt with me when he was dysregulated from someone else--very cold and robotic... .  even when he tried sweet-talking me in late December, it sounded so forced and fake. Now that I think about it, I think everything he's said and done was forced and fake. For someone like me who cares so much about geuineness, I don't know why I put up with his fakeness for so long. I guess I thought there was something solid underneath it all, but I don't think their is. If one can't form an attachment to someone who loved them for 2 years, then they must really be messed up.

It's funny. The longer you stay with a pwBPD, the harder it is to walk away. Even a couple months ago, it seemed easier, but then he re-engaged me in December so I got hooked again. I was doing pretty well before then! grr Anyway, I digress. Time to focus on me now!

Thanks RT! I am not going to do anything mean. Just wanted to do something visual (since he reads more into that than anything else) to show him that I'm moving on. I don't care what happens with him and the other girl. I just wish he didn't have to move on so soon and do it with a mean girl. Maybe it will be his lesson to learn, though. Just like some women they are young go for the "bad boys", maybe some guys do it, too. They go for the "b*tches". Maybe he is too young to appreciate me right now (he's 26. I'm 32). He needs some mean girls in his system. But by the time he figures that out and wants someone like me again, I'll be gone (hopefully ). Anyway, I like what you said about karma. The amount of patience I showed him was beyond anything I've ever given anyone. I hope good karma comes my way in that department :-) Also, I loveeee dogs, but don't know if I can handle one right now. Gotta take care of me first hehe

Thanks again for all of your kind words and advice. It means a lot!

[myself]

The amount of patience I showed him was beyond anything I've ever given anyone. I hope good karma comes my way in that department

So many of us were in these relationships not because we have so many issues still to work through ourselves, but because we were already ready to be with someone, giving it our best. One silver lining here is we get to see who and how we are, at the deepest levels. Are we compassionate? Are we there for someone when they need us? When we love someone, do we give it our all? I don't always buy into we only do that because we're broken inside. Some people are, some aren't. It varies person to person. Included in the silver lining is finding our own patience with ourselves, which will in turn attract others who are living it. This could also be a way karma can be seen to be occurring.

[turtle]

Thanks RT! I am not going to do anything mean. Just wanted to do something visual (since he reads more into that than anything else) to show him that I'm moving on.

The best sign to him that you have moved on is to delete him from everything.  That means Linkedin too.  There's no need to say another thing, there's no need to post things anywhere, except here.

If you're truly done... .  BE done!

turtle

[haliewa1]

To truly be free of the past and embrace the truth, complete NC is the only way!  I have milked the social media outlets to see how the ex was doing and it did nothing but set me back in my recovery!  It's best to have no common social media connections and delete old accounts if possible and if it doesn't interfere with work related issues! 

Taking control in the details assures all of us that are recovering a chance at true happiness with someone.  BTW, I met a person today that is likely has a personality disorder!  She couldn't have been more obvious if she had shot off a signal flare!  Good to know that we can avoid this in the future!

[AllyCat7]

Hi All,

Sorry for the late reply. But thanks for your advice! I agree with you so much, myself. These relationships really do test us and reveal to us our true selves. They also help us grow. pwBPD aren't all bad. They have MANY amazing qualities... .  it's why we fall for them. I've learned so much from all my relationships and esp those who had BPD (the last two guys). I especially learned how to let my guard down and be emotionally vulnerable.

Thanks for your suggestions, turtle and haliewa. I don't know if I can do complete NC yet... .  at least not physically. I am going to work on emotionally first. I could be kidding myself, but I think I can do that. I can distance myself emotionally without cutting him off completely. I have a weird way of managing my emotions like that. He's not on my FB and the LinkedIn isn't so harmless right now as I don't even have my friends list public and I barely even use it. If that little lifeline to me will give him some peace of mind, then that's ok. I'll do that for him. As for seeing each other in person, I would do LC if he wanted to do that. I have to talk to him about all this first, though, assuming I get to talk to him again (he's out of the country for another week).

Hmm, I don't know what it is about BPD waifs, but they are much harder to hate and cut off than the rager ones. My last bf was a rager and he crossed so many lines that I felt sheer hatred for him at times. As of now, I'm pretty neutral in my feelings for him, but we are NC. But this recent guy (and another ex of mine who had BPD waif traits) are soo hard to hate. They are so gentle, like little babies. I will always love them and want the best for them. If this last one wants to check in every now and then and say hi, I'd be ok with that. I just need to fully get over and recover from it first.

Anyway, thanks again for listening to me vent