My God she is so good at redressing me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I just got an incerdibly long email from my BPDw.  I gotta tell you, it was brutal.  She sliced and diced me like a skilled surgeon.  In fact, it was so good, it made me think I was Satan.  I really mean that.  As I read her 17 page email, I nearly broke down and cried.  I can't imagine the man she described.  If even half of that stuff is true, I truly am an incredibly self-absorbed, highly critical, money-loving, morally bankrupt, controlling, self-righteous, insensitive, two-faced, sinless, heartless, btch.

She cut me to the very core.  She took great time and detail to go through the vast majority of our 6 years together and compile an all-star hit list of my offenses.  Honestly, if anyone were to read this email, they would want to punch me senseless the moment they saw me.

Her amazing memory and ability to relate all of our problems to my (and only my) efforts was nearly flawless.  She truly is gifted.

So, what am I to do with that?  During our time together, I rarely won an argument... .  the very best I could hope for was a draw.  So this over-the-top verbal crucifixion is seemingly unapproachable.  I can't and won't be able to compete.

I've already started crafting my response... .  but rather than try to match her toe-to-toe, I am going to try to apply simplicity to a very complex situation... .  my one-page response will basically indicate that her character assassination not only hurt me, but also made me contemplate our life together more fully.  And to that end, I will respectfully provide her a way out of her pain and misery of being in such an unholy union.  She'll be presented with annulment paperwork. 

As much as I would have loved for this trainwreck to get back on the tracks and roll, it is not to be.  Am I sad, most assuredly... .  will I survive?  God I hope so... .  but, regardless, I just know in my heart of hearts, this woman is nothing but trouble... .  and the further I get on down the tracks from the wreckage, the better.

I hope the BPD Family will support me and lift me when I get weak... .  and I hope to be humble enough to lean on you when I need it.  I really appreciate those senior members' wisdom since they've been to the pits of Hell and back, but I also welcome other nons that are in the trenches with me.

Again, thank you for all for your help, support, assistance, advice and encouragement.  Let's get through this surreal odyssey together and come out better in the end.

Foolish for only a little longer

[FoolishOne]

I just got an incerdibly long email from my BPDw.  I gotta tell you, it was brutal.  She sliced and diced me like a skilled surgeon.  In fact, it was so good, it made me think I was Satan.  I really mean that.  As I read her 17 page email, I nearly broke down and cried.  I can't imagine the man she described.  If even half of that stuff is true, I truly am an incredibly self-absorbed, highly critical, money-loving, morally bankrupt, controlling, self-righteous, insensitive, two-faced, sinless, heartless, btch.

She cut me to the very core.  She took great time and detail to go through the vast majority of our 6 years together and compile an all-star hit list of my offenses.  Honestly, if anyone were to read this email, they would want to punch me senseless the moment they saw me.

Her amazing memory and ability to relate all of our problems to my (and only my) efforts was nearly flawless.  She truly is gifted.

So, what am I to do with that?  During our time together, I rarely won an argument... .  the very best I could hope for was a draw.  So this over-the-top verbal crucifixion is seemingly unapproachable.  I can't and won't be able to compete.

I've already started crafting my response... .  but rather than try to match her toe-to-toe, I am going to try to apply simplicity to a very complex situation... .  my one-page response will basically indicate that her character assassination not only hurt me, but also made me contemplate our life together more fully.  And to that end, I will respectfully provide her a way out of her pain and misery of being in such an unholy union.  She'll be presented with annulment paperwork. 

As much as I would have loved for this trainwreck to get back on the tracks and roll, it is not to be.  Am I sad, most assuredly... .  will I survive?  God I hope so... .  but, regardless, I just know in my heart of hearts, this woman is nothing but trouble... .  and the further I get on down the tracks from the wreckage, the better.

I hope the BPD Family will support me and lift me when I get weak... .  and I hope to be humble enough to lean on you when I need it.  I really appreciate those senior members' wisdom since they've been to the pits of Hell and back, but I also welcome other nons that are in the trenches with me.

Again, thank you for all for your help, support, assistance, advice and encouragement.  Let's get through this surreal odyssey together and come out better in the end.

Foolish for only a little longer

[Lady31]

Have you considered not responding?  This is all her shame, and attempt to put all this on you and paint you as the bad guy here.

The only way to win is not to play.  If you send anything back to "defend" yourself, and highlight some things with her, she will then take her 17 page email and compare it to (in her mind) the little bit that you can come up with and it will validate her even further.  Defending yourself in itself will validate her.

Say nothing at all?  Or just respond and DON'T defend yourself - say something like:

I can see by the length of your email you spent a great deal of time in writing it.  You are obviously upset with me and it appears you believe I am at fault for where we are now.  I realize even more so now that we have two different opinions about what happened in this relationship.  I am sad it has come to this and that that is the way you see things.  It's time we move forward and heal.

Just don't even get sucked in - take the wind right out of those sails.

[Validation78]

Good Morning Friend!

That sounds like a horrible thing to have read about yourself! It's no surprise though, to hear that our pwBPD see us this way. In their minds, we are the things they say. I know that my BPDh is out there spinning tales, and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. I will have to live with it, however, I don't have to live with him anymore.

My advice is to ignore the email, hard as that will be. Justifying, arguing, defending and explaining will only make a bad matter worse, believe me! I think that when things like this happen, you should take a good hard look at yourself, and ask the tough questions like is there any basis to it? There may be some, however, coming from the disordered person, it likely grossly overstated. The thing is, this is an opportunity for us to grow. To refine the people we already are, and I venture to guess that many of us are good hearted people who want to make our relationships work, despite the enormous challenges we face. I have told myself many, many times, after the numerous assaults on my character, that I know the truth. I find peace in the truth. That's all I need to know. I don't have to prove it to anyone. My faith helps me to rest assured that the truth will always prevail, and that's good enough for me.

All of this is a bitter pill to swallow, I understand. It's painful and hurtful. There is hope for us though, once we remove ourselves from the toxic environment, and that's what we must keep in mind as we work through the pain. The fact is, we will get better, and our sad, tormented loved ones will not! Knowing that takes away my anger towards him, and I hope you will find some ability, some day, to see it that way too. Talk it out here, work through your feelings, and let her be. She will never get it, no matter what you say!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Clearmind]

I have to agree with Val!

FoolishOne - I completely understand your need to respond - trust me I have been there and have responded many times to my ex's emails - Each and every time I so wish I hadn't.

My friend, you are dealing with a person who will never understand rational, reason, explanations, your hurt, your emotions - she cannot get past her own pain let alone understand yours.

Her 17 page email was all projection - please think for a moment that every word in that 17 page email is really how she feels about herself - does that make sense to you?

In the event you have not come across the term BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection please have a read of this article.

Take care of you now - try and move through this feeling of rejection.

"No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt

[Wooddragon]

What I might try to do is - write a response & completely let rip. print it off & put it in an envelope with a hard copy of the original to me. Put them both away until a day a week, month or whatever from now until i was feeling strong & positive, the shock had worn off a little bit & i was feeling ready to take them both out & reconsider how i would want to manage a reply (if any)

It's horrible having your actions and motives twisted and distorted - especially when you have been trying to support the other person. Their irrational blame & cr&p can be soul destroying 

[FindingMe2011]

I just got an incredibly long email from my BPDw.  I gotta tell you, it was brutal.    

The results, of an object of hers, not feeding her ego. The fact that these words were brutal, should show you that you need work, on your ego.

In fact, it was so good, it made me think I was Satan.  I really mean that.  As I read her 17 page email, I nearly broke down and cried.  I can't imagine the man she described.  If even half of that stuff is true, I truly am an incredibly self-absorbed, highly critical, money-loving, morally bankrupt, controlling, self-righteous, insensitive, two-faced, sinless, heartless, btch.  

Wow, 17 pages, thats a lot of dumping. Im sure she felt better, for crucifying you, for being human ,... .  until next time. Next time, will be somewhat determined, on how you respond to this one... .  The truth in this email, somewhere between, what your perception is, and hers, if your going to be honest. This is, for you to figure out, and maybe work all the way through, those feelings that you held back.

 She cut me to the very core.  

Hopefully one day, you will look past her words, and understand you are damaged at the core, and she is not the origin, but she has a knack, for helping you, relive your unresolved trauma. Its called a trigger. The same could be said of her.

Her amazing memory and ability to relate all of our problems to my (and only my) efforts was nearly flawless.  She truly is gifted.  

Its actually a curse, and validates her hamster wheel of pain.

 So, what am I to do with that?  :)uring our time together, I rarely won an argument... .  the very best I could hope for was a draw.  So this over-the-top verbal crucifixion is seemingly unapproachable.  I can't and won't be able to compete.  

The best defense is... .  a strong offense, and the dysfunctional dance continues, just a different step added... .  You make the above statements, understand how futile the situation is, and then this... .  

I've already started crafting my response...  

 Your actually still doing the same things, and expecting a different result, a square peg into a round hole, or logic into crazy.

.but rather than try to match her toe-to-toe, I am going to try to apply simplicity to a very complex situation... .  my one-page response will basically indicate that her character assassination not only hurt me,  

The new angle, to finally get through to her... .  She will get validation, from you expressing the hurt you feel, why?, because she too is hurting, and believes you are the origin. You are both sitting in the victim role, of the Karpmans triangle. Someone needs to change positions, to keep the dysfuction rolling, or you could opt out, and take the neutral position... .  I hope your not expecting an apology, at least one that is not genuine. Your still playing a game. A game you know you cant win, and hopefully soon, dont feel the need to engage in... .  Replying actually just adds more confusion, to a disorder that has an order.

but also made me contemplate our life together more fully.  And to that end, I will respectfully provide her a way out of her pain and misery of being in such an unholy union.  She'll be presented with annulment paperwork.

When her behavior is not what you think it should be, after this, dont be surprised. You still carry views, that she sees this as you do. If you believed this was her pain (she does), and this was, so against your religious beliefs, what does this say about you?

 As much as I would have loved for this train wreck to get back on the tracks and roll, it is not to be.  Am I sad, most assuredly.  

As well you should be, its a loss, and one your starting to accept. More grieving to do, abandonment fears, cycling through emotions, to abandonment depression. The healthy way to process this, as long as self harming acts, dont come into play. Learn to place these emotions, with other events in your life,(not related to this r/s) go back as far as you can remember. It will show you, that your pain has a different origin, or at least the possibility of this.

will I survive?  God I hope so... .  but, regardless,  

This line of thinking needs to change, and then just to minimize, and put your well being, in the back seat, is not going to serve you well. But it has gotten you, this far in life.

 I hope the BPD Family will support me and lift me when I get weak... .  and I hope to be humble enough to lean on you when I need it.  

I hope you become humble enough, to lean into your pain, and invite it in. The more you do this, the less support you will need.

I really appreciate those senior members' wisdom since they've been to the pits of Hell and back,  

Its actually, just closer to their own core trauma, an understanding, and putting these emotions, in their correct place

Foolish for only a little longer  

There is no finish line. The day you believe you have it all figured out. Is the day you start missing out, on so much. Also, when you put yourself up to an unachievable goal, you set yourself up, for the only possible outcome, failure.hmmmmmmm... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[turtle]

Gotta go with the others on this one.

If you respond, she responds and the insanity continues.

Your best response is serving papers.

turtle

[waitaminute]

It's 17 pages of her own confession of her own faults and misdeeds. Is it not? That's what I saw when I read my exBPD's criticism of myself.

I vote with those who advise you to not respond. Pull yourself out of the craziness.

[spaceace]

I tried this route sort of. When my wife kicked me and my children out, there was no legitimate reason behind it. I heard the exact reason only 6 months earlier when she kicked me out and it wasn't the truth then, and isn't the truth now.

I sent my wife emails asking for an explanation. Texts, imploring her for some nugget so I could understand and either address it and fix it or find closure from it.

I never got any responses other than how I was abusive. I swear, I thought for sure, she must be confusing me with her ex husband. Little did it matter. Each time I would ask for an explanation, the response reiterated the same thing. I was abusive and she was going to file a restraining order or call the cops if I tried to call her, text her, email her or god forbid, come to see her.

I finally drew my own internal line last Thursday. I could not take hearing these lies over and over about how abusive I was. It was never the case. And man did it hurt.

I finally blocked her email address. I blocked her from calling me and texting me. It was necessary for my own mental well being.

I kept thinking at some point she will FINALLY see the light and turn back towards me. Not the case. It's been 10 weeks and we are not coming back together. I can honestly say this marriage is over. I was sure, since she had done this to me 2 other times, we would eventually move towards each other and reconcile. I am wrong this time. And I believe, truly in my heart, it is the best thing I can do for myself. Accept what is, protect my heart, protect myself emotionally and accept this marriage is over.

I completely understand from the males perspective, you want/need for her to hear your side. You have to say your truth and send her the email. I don't fault you at all for feeling that. I believe it is natural to want to not only defend yourself, but I would guess, there is a piece of you that wants you to hear you and see you and accept you, because deep down inside, you cannot believe this person holds this view of you. There is no way!

Believe this, if she is indeed a person with BPD issues, as you obviously feel, this is how she HAS to see you in order to disengage and protect herself. She is probably feeling a tremendous amount of shame and anger and going back against her words of what she believes will be almost insurmountable for her.

Obviously, I may wrong. But ask yourself this, if she writes this stuff to you, and you know it's not true, what is gained by writing back? It's a hard question to face.

I agree with other responses here, you can always choose to not respond. In the long run, it may be helpful. You may find no response may give her a moment to pause and really look at herself. She may self reflect and come to you if you don't respond.

I know that me going back and forth, I kept empowering my wife. I gave her ALL  the power because she knew I would do anything to fix this, get back with her and not have to feel the pain I am in. Even if it meant, I didn't really address her behavior. Because honestly, the first 2 times she kicked me and my children out of her life, I was scared to death to address anything. I was just happy to be back in her life. She was one up with me for the longest time because of my reaction and responses. And i handed that to her. I knew it then, but didn't want to believe my wife would take advantage of that. But I was overwhelmingly wrong. She completely took advantage of that. And that, not believing my wife would be this way, brought me exactly to where I am now. 10 weeks separated, no communication, no reason why, no way to understand and frankly, no way to heal. Unless, I decide to take my life back. And that is what I am doing now. Taking it back and no longer giving it away for free to a woman who has no desire to even see how much she is/has hurt me. But instead keeps the party line towed with me being an abusive husband.

It's all rather shameful and if I am to survive this heartache, I no longer communicate. It's the only way for me to go from this point forward.

[happiness68]

I'm with everyone else here.  Don't respond.  Write a response, but write it for yourself to get all the anger out.  You will feel better just having put it down in words.  If your reply, the circle begins.

[Surnia]

Foolishone

I feel for you. 

17 pages, this is a impertinence.

I agree mostly with all here, do not write her back. I love this one:

Your best response is serving papers.

You could write a letter to yourself. About your qualities, your strength, a very loving and validating letter to and about yourself.

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, I suggest not responding.

Maybe this is a time to look at yourself. Maybe there mighty be small seed of partial truth. Think... .  small seed only.

Here is the fact. If you were so horrible, such a bast... .  d, then why did she stay with you? my family is very good with projecting this type of nonsense as well, and if someone you love doesn't not give her honest feedback for all of the times you were the alleged bad guy, then the screw is loose with her.

I have tried to explore this existentially. A person who is really wanting to make a relationship work will offer opinions and feedback. If something is bothering her, then she needs to being it up in the context of making the interaction successful with a meeting of the minds and both partners more aware and perhaps a little more mindful.

If you were so horrible, then there is something wrong with her if she did not bring up greviences during the 6 years. All this time to work on things, all the opportunity to be heard, and she picks now.

[real lady]

Dear Precious One (you may feel foolish for having been with her but please done't label yourself as being a failure; it was an "honest" mistake" and we have loved others who are so much like your BPDh... .  )

During our time together, I rarely won an argument... .  the very best I could hope for was a draw.  So this over-the-top verbal crucifixion is seemingly unapproachable.  I can't and won't be able to compete... .  my one-page response will basically indicate that her character assassination not only hurt me, but also made me contemplate our life together more fully.  And to that end, I will respectfully provide her a way out of her pain and misery of being in such an unholy union.  She'll be presented with annulment paperwork.  

OMG, your LONG letter from her sounds SO MUCH like my son's father; my EX who I thought was OCPD/NPD and he would "slice and dice me" into oblivion in the written word so I really understand what has occurred... .  I am so sorry. Don't believe the propaganda, is all I can say about that. That letter was for HER to show to others to "prove" how right she has been... .  my uBPDso might be so inclined to have a "smear campaign" for me upon my departure also. Take it in stride, she is not winning, this is proof that you are detaching and it is her retaliation, a feeble attempt at that.

I believe that your response to her is CLASSIC (awesome that is) and JUST HOLD YOUR GROUND and present her with the separation papers and let her deal with it. You do not have to "prove her wrong"... .  I let SO MANY emails that blamed me and threatened me with so many things, GO UNANSWERED... .  I treated them as if I had NOT received them and then I told him that I was blocking him and I did. NO MORE.

will I survive?  I just know in my heart of hearts, this woman is nothing but trouble... .  and the further I get on down the tracks from the wreckage, the better.

Good for you; you WILL survive... .  hang in there and don't second guess yourself.

I hope the BPD Family will support me and lift me when I get weak... .  and I hope to be humble enough to lean on you when I need it.  I really appreciate those senior members' wisdom since they've been to the pits of Hell and back, but I also welcome other nons that are in the trenches with me.

I understand and please accept my support and KUDOS for being strong and taking a stand against BPD abuse. I am in the trenches with you and may have yet to experience this; hopefully not. Keep looking forward.


Two things that I learned that HELPED ME a lot when divorcing my EX PDh

1- Put her on a "need to know" basis... .  she does NOT need to know what you are thinking, planning, etc... .  I found that the more I "shared" with my ex, the more he used it against me.

2- Don't try to make sense out of NONSENSE... .  what she does, what she writes and how she behaves is about HER more than about you. If you graciously say, I "must be awful, here is a way out" and she doesn't take it, it is only because she wants to keep you around to project her illness onto.

You deserve better... .  so do I and so do ALL the nons here... .  

[charred]

Sounds so familiar... my pwBPD had a long long list of grievances and could paint me black like no one else. She also was quite disordered, and got me to question my own sanity at times. I just responded with some stuff to another post so with slight editing;

"I fell for a pwBPD some 30 yrs ago... she dumped me, we picked up 4 yrs ago... still had the intense feelings, and it was a rocky hell of a r/s, been NC then LC the last 6 mos.

Did find out some things... .  The posts from user 2010 are very good for understanding the Karpman Drama Triangle... which explains the dynamics of what is going on with the dysfunctional relating.

After reading and getting to understand the BPD disorder, I felt I "got it"... but it didn't explain why I was so hooked on her... .  as she treated me horribly much of the time. My pwBPD was mad and had taken up with another guy and hurled an insult at me "you don't love me, you have an attachment problem"... and from dealing with her in the past I suspected she was telling the truth so I looked in to attachment disorders... and found a lot. Attachment theory is the early psychology of what happens when you are a baby and pickup on how the world is, you can be secure and have an attuned mother and have secure attachments, then you typically do well and rarely end up on these boards. However, there are a few types of insecure attachement, where the primary caregiver (mom ususally) isn't unconditionally loving and/or attuned to the infant, and the kid can end up with an insecure view of the world, there are different types, but what I found was my mom (whose own mother died when she was 5 yrs old... and her father went to WW2 about then, so she was dumped on relatives to raise)... is not a warm touchy person, quite the opposite, I can count the hugs I have had from her on 1 hand. So I have what would be called avoidant attachment, or avoidant/fearful attachement... which explains keeping people at a distance to keep from getting hurt... though I want people close (consciously)... I still push them away a bit.  The second part of the attachment thing... and the part that I think might be relevant to the pwBPD and that strong attachment... is that I craved unconditional love... and when I first met my pwBPD, during the idealizing phase... it was closest thing to unconditional love I ever experienced, and I lapped it up. I didn't understand the clinging phase and being dumped with no explanation at tail end of hater... .  devasted me, not like a normal breakup... more like having your mom die.

So from 2010's posts and board wisdom... and personal experience... .  dig deeper. If you fell for a pwBPD... chances are their is a deep seated reason... they have an attachment disorder, called abandonded child... but they are drawn to certain types of people... typically what is called lonely child... and the resulting trauma bond is very intense for both people, quite dysfunctional, and painful for all involved. (I had to move from family/business/friends first time when I was dumped... second go round I got a divorce, so collateral damage was amazing, lost a second job from pwBPD... )

In my case lots of reading, a good T, and I am finding the root cause to be me... I was hurt a lot growing up, moved constantly, lost all friends over and over, and learned to detach from feelings, and keep people at a little bit of a distance (like business acquaintances.) To keep from dealing with the hurt, I threw myself in to things... school, hobbies, work... and have appearance of successful life, lot of people know me, many boy toys, make good money... and no matter what... I don't feel I did great things by my accomplishments... they always left me feeling empty. Well, the insight has come from T, and understanding why the pwBPD had so much impact on me. I still can't get free of her 30 yrs later. My real mother... I moved out at 14 and just started spending some time around about 2 yrs ago... and I am 50.

Hope that helps.

The bond feels different than normal... and you have    but are compelled to pursue it anyway... .  because its deeper than it seems. I read "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle... on recommendation from my T, as my original reason to see a T was I was stressed out so much I was getting nervous welts. Book had mindfulness exercises that did wonders for losing stress, switched from worrying about past/future to being firmly in present and that helped. Book also described "egoic" vs genuine/authentic emotions, and almost all the pwBPD emotions/stress were of the egoic variety, so it helped to understand how I got so tied up in knots by her. Digging in to attachment treatments... turns out mindfulness is good for part of that as well, you learn to attach to, experience and own your feelings instead of avoiding them like I did. Later you can learn to tell difference between them, know source and improve how you deal with them. The other book on mindfulness, which gave me hope of improving things was ":)aring to Trust" which is a book on opening yourself up to real intimacy... using mindfulness, and understanding why and how to trust.

The trust book explained so much... yes as a baby I had a cold mother... but a lot of time has passed and trust is central to avoiding people, keeping them at arms distance and having a hard time getting past it. Book explains boundaries as well, and it made sense that pwBPD got past them... .  she ignored my resistance and just came after me, and love bombed me... in to submission. Not something you run in to much."

Okay, so you have been obliterated with a cutting description that ran 17 pages... it is probably accurate from her point of view... and not from yours... however... in my case anyway, I found that the way I interacted with my pwBPD when pushed/attacked/manipulated, was not my normal easygoing way, but actually very much the way a Narcissistic jerk would... and much of the criticizism she had was about acting that way.

I looked at it (finally, not at first) ... like this; She is not likely to change, it takes two to have the level of dysfunction you are describing. You can find out what made you vulnerable to her, and work on it, improving your ability to relate won't hurt you, it can just help. If you are having communications issues... .  those usually are trust issues, and things I suggested might just help. The mindfulness de-stressing alone was worth all I spent on a T and books. I have some peace of mind, and I have been dealing with BPD related issues for 3 decades.   

[myself]

FoolishOne, you ARE surviving. That 17 page email was not a silver bullet that took you out because you're such a monster. It was the pain, shame, and blame of someone who wants what happened between you two to not be Her fault, she can't really face it so she projected it onto you. Why not a face to face talk, if she is so much in the right? It's easier to lob these things towards you from a distance.

Any response, I agree, just keeps it in motion. Let it drop. Whatever you'd write back would be met with resistance. Accepting the relationship is over is really key here (that's what I have had to do). There may well have been some things she said that struck true to you. Work on those things. Better yourself. Whether you are with her, someone else, or by yourself, being your best self is for the best. That's a much healtheir goal than responding to what are basically the ramblings of someone with disordered thinking.

I've responded to those kinds of letters, too. Defending myself, caving in, speaking the truth, tiptoeing around that huge elephant in the room... .  No matter how I approached it, the final outcome seemed predetermined. Didn't solve the most damaging problems, her inability to remain close and honest. I went through what she wrote, sentence by sentence, looking for where she was projecting. What was mine in there and what was hers? I've learned to not take that stuff very personally now, but it took a while, a lot of tears and doubts and, yes, some responses on my end in there, too. When I turned the focus on myself, away from what she said I was 'really like', I saw what's here to deal with, and I'm dealing with it. I see what I do NOT need to deal with now, as well.

That letter she sent you was just another way for her to    all over you, and get it out of her system. Or so she thinks. That stuff is all still there inside of her, churning away, because she's not really changing her own patterns for the better. Are you? Because you can not only survive this, if you do, you can thrive.

If you need to, write out what you'd say to her, get it out as best you can, push that 'delete' button, and be done with it. Sending would just keep the game going.

All of us here are pulling for you to follow through in your own best interests, and support you as you do so. Reaching out here is 100% better than responding to her. Much healthier! Best to you as you work your way through these difficult times.

[FoolishOne]

First of all, thank you everyone for your feedback... .  it is greatly appreciated.  All good advice.  Seconfly, I was not going to "engage" her like I've done in the past.  Clearly she is painting me as black as night.

No, what I meant by "crafting" a response, is that I need to be delicate.  I want to get out of this marriage with my life.  The last few times I filed, she didn't come after me for monoey... .  hopefully she won't this time.  If I play my cards rights, I'll have her sign the joint tax return and the annulment and call it a day.

We'll see.

Thanks again.

F1

[MaybeSo]

I've had some long winded harsh screeds from my ex. As a whole it felt very overly dramatic, and that he badly misinterpreted many things, but one thing was for sure, he was in pain and felt victimized.

And, under the grandiosity and dramatic presentation, there was some truth. I was, after all, in a relationship with him, it was me.

When their drama cuts you to the core, I agree with findingme, that's your core wound getting stirred up. Projection is triggering you when you identify in some way with the projection. Replying back is just taking her projections, mixing them in with your own, and volleying it back at her; now you have projections flying both ways.  Yes it's being on the Karpman triangle, it's two injured souls arguing over who has been more victimized.  You

are both injured.

Sigh.

How about doing nothing.

There is nothing to win here. This is about loss and grieving, there is no reply that makes

you a winner, and if there were, it would be empty and short lived and makes you a winner

at the expense of making  her the loser and you are doing drama again.    No one wins.  You either grow or stay stuck, but it's not about winning an argument, it never was.  We act like it is, and it gets us more of the same.

[Rose Tiger]

Take this letter, put it in an envelope and write on the front "Read this whenever having thoughts of rekindling this relationship".  Put it in a place for safe keeping. 

[hopelessinseattle]

It's 17 pages of her own confession of her own faults and misdeeds. Is it not? That's what I saw when I read my exBPD's criticism of myself.

I vote with those who advise you to not respond. Pull yourself out of the craziness.

So, so true.  While I'm sure we all fit *some of those things our exes would say about us, the vast majority are simply projections of their own guilts.

I agree with people, the response from you will only open a dialog - a dialog you have probably had many times and one that your desire to serve papers shows that you probably don't want any more of.  If you don't respond, there is no conversation - just the ramblings of an insecure, mentally unstable, confused little girl.

Also, Rose Tiger - hell yes!  I only wish I had something in writing to look back on for those moments.  I have nothing like this and to be honest I sometimes do have a very difficult time remembering all the [MANY] reasons I left.

[real lady]

OMG, your LONG letter from her sounds SO MUCH like my son's father; my EX who I thought was OCPD/NPD and he would "slice and dice me" into oblivion in the written word so I really understand what has occurred... .  I am so sorry.

<< <<You do not have to "prove her wrong"... .  >> >

I let SO MANY emails that blamed me and threatened me with so many things, GO UNANSWERED... .  I treated them as if I had NOT received them and then I told him that I was blocking him and I did. NO MORE.

Two things that I learned that HELPED ME a lot when divorcing my EX PDh

1- Put her on a "need to know" basis... .  she does NOT need to know what you are thinking, planning, etc... . I found that the more I "shared" with my ex, the more he used it against me.

I learned that I needed to STOP and take time to ask myself WHY I wanted to share information with him. I wanted to trust him, he was my husband BUT I learned early in the divorce that it was ONLY BE USED AGAINST ME and I stopped sharing anything but the VERY ESSENTIAL information regarding our son and that was NOT very much. He ranted and raved about me "not responding to him" and if I didn't respond he would (blah blah blah)... .  well he DID contact my lawyer but he didn't get one of his own, etc... .  he TRIED to engage me and I REFUSED. I learned NOT to trust him to "do good" to me and I was right. What a BPD believes no NON has the power to reason away. (line from Doobie Brothers "what a fool believes"... .  adapted by me)

2- Don't try to make sense out of NONSENSE... .  what she does, what she writes and how she behaves is about HER more than about you. If you graciously say, I "must be awful, here is a way out" and she doesn't take it, it is only because she wants to keep you around to project her illness onto.

Really, ANY engaging at this part, unless to present her with papers will possibly only lead to her need to prove that she is right and you are wrong. WE ALL have more important things than to try to convince our pwBPD that we love them, want them to be well, etc... .  and all they can do is rant and rave at us... .  it is sad but that is when RADICAL ACCEPTANCE of WHAT KIND of person you are married to comes in... .  wishing you well... .