Help right now() in regards of NO CONTACT breach ...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Quick situation sketch, i'm sorry for opening up a new topic. After I was dealing with gf w BPD her debt which freaked her out and once again I received the car load of troubles my way she decided to block me on all the social networking stuff. Soo ... no contact from her side!

However she said no reason why? I'm clueless (We are still officially a couple ... )

Now a bit later, she just send me an email, lemme know when we can talk?

Of course, to me this shouts out;      you you harmkrakow I've had enough of you.

The problem is; i'm currently not in the best state to have another round of her mental abusiveness towards me. I don't feel knocked out (i might start soon with a new job) and i will need my energy for this. But another pounding with, this is the end,      you goodbye is not something I could take. I feel like a knock out is around the corner and i've seriously had it with her emotional rages, outbursts and mental abusiveness.

What should I do?

[HarmKrakow]

Quick situation sketch, i'm sorry for opening up a new topic. After I was dealing with gf w BPD her debt which freaked her out and once again I received the car load of troubles my way she decided to block me on all the social networking stuff. Soo ... no contact from her side!

However she said no reason why? I'm clueless (We are still officially a couple ... )

Now a bit later, she just send me an email, lemme know when we can talk?

Of course, to me this shouts out;      you you harmkrakow I've had enough of you.

The problem is; i'm currently not in the best state to have another round of her mental abusiveness towards me. I don't feel knocked out (i might start soon with a new job) and i will need my energy for this. But another pounding with, this is the end,      you goodbye is not something I could take. I feel like a knock out is around the corner and i've seriously had it with her emotional rages, outbursts and mental abusiveness.

What should I do?

[Elsegundo]

Wait.  She initiated NC and she broke it and you're still dating but you don't want to talk to her?

[turtle]

I'm with Elsee... .  I'm a little confused.

Is there some business thing that is pending that must be worked out?

If not... .  why do you feel you have to do anything?

[HarmKrakow]

Wait.  She initiated NC and she broke it and you're still dating but you don't want to talk to her?

We are more or less, as she said, on a 'we need time'. She broke off contact by blocking me, and i didnt iniate contact on that as I didn't receive any explanation as to why?

There are a few issues to work out as i'm solving some debt issues for her in a different country where she has lived. I regularly speak with the insurance/debt collectors to solve this.

[hithere]

I guess just decide if you want to know now if she is leaving you or if you can wait for the bad news.

[HarmKrakow]

I guess just decide if you want to know now if she is leaving you or if you can wait for the bad news.

It's not aboud the bad news, it's purely about the mental abuse and blaming which has been happening for months. I've had it, and also i've played along long enough. Thanks for the comments here though . This board has so far been really help full, and if not for this board and my shrink (who sort of pointed me towards this board), the pain would have been much deeper. And yeah, she broke it.

[hithere]

The problem is; i'm currently not in the best state to have another round of her mental abusiveness towards me.

I thought the above was your question, whether you wanted to deal with this now or in the future.

But since you are on the undecided board, I think if she has BPD that you should just go no contact and move on with your life.  Judging by your demeanor you probably don't have what it takes to spend your whole life in BPD-hell (I know I didn't).

[HarmKrakow]

The problem is; i'm currently not in the best state to have another round of her mental abusiveness towards me.

I thought the above was your question, whether you wanted to deal with this now or in the future.

But since you are on the undecided board, I think if she has BPD that you should just go no contact and move on with your life.  Judging by your demeanor you probably don't have what it takes to spend your whole life in BPD-hell (I know I didn't).

No, I know myself long enough to know that I don't have what it takes to stay and maintain in a BPD-hell. This is also what my shrink told me and he sort of already has been preparing me to detach from her (awesome guy he is). It's just that the mental abuse of her towards me has taken it's toll and therefore I was surprised by her contact.

I'm actually scared of any contact from her side to be honest, I don't know what to expect from her. One moment it can be nice and apologizing and the next moment, by the easiest simple trivial matter she can turn completely evil and throw everything at me. I don't feel like I have the power to receive more hits. I stay with the comments made in this topic Thanks! When i'm through this period, I will try to help others as much as i can!

[turtle]

No, I know myself long enough to know that I don't have what it takes to stay and maintain in a BPD-hell.

I'm actually scared of any contact from her side

I don't feel like I have the power to receive more hits.

And here's your answer, harmkrakow.  Don't respond.

turtle

[hithere]

Well it sounds like you have made your decision, so go no contact and try your hardest to maintain it.  I know it was tough for me, I had a couple of weeks of success and would then breakdown.  In the end it took her moving on to a new relationship to finally free me successfully.

I don't feel like I have the power to receive more hits.

Do things to make your life better. Stay busy, reconnect with friends and family, work-out, keep seeing your therapist, read some self help books, start a new hobby.

[turtle]

There are a few issues to work out as i'm solving some debt issues for her in a different country where she has lived. I regularly speak with the insurance/debt collectors to solve this.

How can you extract yourself from this?

Maybe it's time she handled her own debt/credit issues.

turtle

[Newton]

harmkrakow... .  this is gonna be direct and caring in equal measure... .  please correct me if I'm wrong.

This sounds like ... .  

Fear of losing her... .  and the last real influence over her/help you can give her (debt issues)

Obligation to help/be there for her... .  enable her possibly?

Guilt about dumping her debt issues on her lap for her to deal with (which she won't)

[HarmKrakow]

harmkrakow... .  this is gonna be direct and caring in equal measure... .  please correct me if I'm wrong.

This sounds like ... .  

Fear of losing her... .  and the last real influence over her/help you can give her (debt issues)

Obligation to help/be there for her... .  enable her possibly?

Guilt about dumping her debt issues on her lap for her to deal with (which she won't)

Yip. You right on the money, as what i'm going to read about right now! Thank you!

And yeah, I don't really have anyone else to 'dump' the debt issue on. I was hoping to already hoping to have it taken care off, but debt collectors now adays arent the easiest of the pile. Luckily I don't have anything to do with them. She has threatened me before, to a shouting point of a view, that if I don't deal with the issues and do my stuff, she will not just break up, she will cut me off her life completely, no more contact, none, not at all, nothing. Of course, this hurted beyond all imagination.

[Newton]

I don't want to add to your pain... .  I've been through more than one BPD rs that burnt me beyond belief.  Sometimes having a light shone on our situations helps... .  even if it's a little startling at first... .  

Three questions... .  

Why is "being there" for her so important to you?... .  

What are you receiving back from her as a result of you being useful to her?... .  

How would you like things to change so you are more contented?... .  

[HarmKrakow]

I don't want to add to your pain... .  I've been through more than one BPD rs that burnt me beyond belief.  Sometimes having a light shone on our situations helps... .  even if it's a little startling at first... .  

Three questions... .  


Why is "being there" for her so important to you?... .  

Because I feel like she does not deserve the pain she received during her youth. She saw her father cheat on her mother and it was never told to the family. Not a good sense of building up trust from a young age. She was bulimic when she was younger. She had a near-death experience in regards of ovary failure and most of her friends left her during that case and her previous ex-boyfriend was mentally and sexually abusive (for years!). I think she doesn't deserve this pain and want to help her along side the road ...

What are you receiving back from her as a result of you being useful to her?... .  

So far, if I haven't really received anything back from her. Nothing specific, she always showered me with love, every day, how much she loved me, wanted to grow old with me, marry me this summer, have kids with me, go with me till the end of the world. But was that love? Was that what I got back from her? Because it certainly doesn't feel like it ...

How would you like things to change so you are more contented?... .  

I would like her to go in treatment but I don't have the balls to confront her, she can seriously light up super aggressively when you say something she doesn't agree with. And yeah, i let my boundaries slip, because normally I never allowed this behavior of her, but I allowed myself to get dragged into this ...

[Newton]

They are very honest answers to very direct questions harmkrkow... .  kudos to you 

I can see from your post she has been through immense pain... .  that is her pain though... .  and she is choosing not to confront and address it... .  why are you making it your responsibility to help her?

Her promises and desires regarding your relationship are currently just words... .  where is the behaviour to back up those words?... .  

The harsh reality is that you know her reaction to suggesting treatment... .  and your only solace at the moment will be acceptance of the situation 

[HarmKrakow]

They are very honest answers to very direct questions harmkrkow... .  kudos to you 

I can see from your post she has been through immense pain... .  that is her pain though... .  and she is choosing not to confront and address it... .  why are you making it your responsibility to help her?

Her promises and desires regarding your relationship are currently just words... .  where is the behaviour to back up those words?... .  

The harsh reality is that you know her reaction to suggesting treatment... .  and your only solace at the moment will be acceptance of the situation 

True, unfortunately a painful truth.

Met yet again with my shrink, (after already seeing him on Monday(!)) and he told me some interesting points in regards of my relationship with my gf w BPD and, as not to forget my by shrink, PTSD as the latter seems to fuel and boil some of her hard symptons of BPD.

He told me it should be rather questionable whether or not a life with this particular BPD woman would be good. He pointed out the chances of success in such a relationship in conjunction with the hard work and labor and the many, many, liabilities and push/pull behavior she will show as a significant other and also the potential harm she might do to our kids one day. Also the signs that her sisters seems a 'textbook' BPD and is about to become a mother while the family fears for the kid (besides my GF) doesn't leave much to the imagination. The amount of energy spent in putting her to treatment, pills etc, (and it's not unlikely she will refuse) is going to be so immense that you will have to give up many of your own energy and basically life, while being emotionally abused and threatened by your gf with a very high likelihood that she might dump you in 5, 10 or 15 years. And although treatment might help you for 5, maybe 10 or even 20 years. In the end there is a enormous likelihood everything will fall to pieces and you don't have it under your control, at all at any time. And unfortunately, neither does she, as she doesn't know any better You'll live a live constantly on the awareness scale, and why would you want to give up so much of your own life, for someone, who has lacks the ability to share empathy with you on a normal level and therefore might pull the plug at any time she feels like? You can't build on someone like that...

And is that the life you would want? Because I can't think of anyone who would want a painful life like that. And I know my shrink painted it really white/black here as he wants me to be the one pulling the plug out of this toxic r/s as he fears that every week, my gf w BPD will push the boundaries further and further leaving me emotionally completely drained... .  

I'm allowing her illness...

[HarmKrakow]

One more update from me, as I wanted to sharped the edge tonight but I failed doing so.

I got a new job and told her about it ...   and she sent back basically 1 sentence email; Well done ...

Well, then I emailed her I was online and just a few minutes later she popped online and we were chatting.

... ofcourse I rememberd what my shrink told me stay strong

... and ofcourse I had to go in defensive mode straight from the beginning ...

... she blamed me for everything ... she thinks i'm a btch  ... she doesnt want to have intimacy for atleast another 50 years however expressed the feeling she wanted intimacy ... (hurting me) ... she told me she doesnt believe a word I say ... everything I say ... she told me when did you cry last time? I told her can't remember, somewhere last week ... she said i cried yesterday ... I asked why? None of your beeswax ... I hate you, you are a btch ... I don't believe what you are telling to me ... I tell her, i'm sorry for what i've done to her ... she says she doesn't believe it ... she says i don't know what im doing to her

and then 15 minutes funny conversation about how her name is a uncommon name in her country ...

... and then we start again ...

... knock ... after knock ... after knock ... she is in terrible pain and i'm all to blame for ... the very first moment I would say something that might lead to her having done something wrong i hear, (loudly) ... how dare you? ... what have I(!) done?. Harmkrakow ... YOU LIVE IN A SICK WORLD ... in a DELUSIONAL WORLD ... I WANT TO LIVE IN REALITY AND NOT IN THAT DELUSIONAL WORLD OF YOURS ... how can I trust you? ... you have hurted me so much ... you will just hurt me again ...

...

I seriously sometimes have the feeling I feel some dark spirit in her which wants to hurt me and I all let it happen. I'm still not strong enough to pull the plug. I'm not. I still think I cannot be happy without her...

[Clearmind]

I see words in a post like mental abuse, debt, rage and over it... followed by what should I do? Very confusing. You have answered your own question if you are willing to accept it.

harm, you know what you are in for. Can I ask a challenging question? Many of us here stayed in

these relationships because at some point in our childhood we experienced upheavals. Our home

Life was very up and down and as kids we had no clue what mood our parents would be in... .  high drama... .  we became accustomed/immune to it... .  and now we know no different.

Are you addicted to the drama? If not, then why go back for more punishment when you know full well the outcome. Drama is addictive my friend - step out of it and exercise some emotional maturity. Think with your mind not your heightened emotions.

Breathe! Live for you not her drama. This is not about her it's about you. Dont look outside for the answers within.

[IfOnlyIKnew]

I still think I cannot be happy without her...

But can you be happy with her ?... .  

Nobody deserves being treated like this, why would you ?

Clearmind made a very good post. Yes, breathe, and take care of YOURSELF 

[HarmKrakow]

I see words in a post like mental abuse, debt, rage and over it... followed by what should I do? Very confusing. You have answered your own question if you are willing to accept it.

harm, you know what you are in for. Can I ask a challenging question? Many of us here stayed in

these relationships because at some point in our childhood we experienced upheavals. Our home

Life was very up and down and as kids we had no clue what mood our parents would be in... .  high drama... .  we became accustomed/immune to it... .  and now we know no different.

Are you addicted to the drama? If not, then why go back for more punishment when you know full well the outcome. Drama is addictive my friend - step out of it and exercise some emotional maturity. Think with your mind not your heightened emotions.

Breathe! Live for you not her drama. This is not about her it's about you. Dont look outside for the answers within.

Interesting question. Am I addicted to drama? I am not sure but I don't think so. I've had 3 previous relationships, which ended without the drama. I've had a youth of living through foster parents as I don't have brothers/sisters however I sort of always got through everything without any huge drama. And yeah, maybe I got addicted to it... my shrink was also wondering, what will the breaking point for you? Do you enjoy this pain?

I don't. I really don't. I feel more hatred and anger boiling inside me, and maybe my activity on this board is some sort of wake up call of myself in order to finally see the light and 'wake up'. I don't like my life with her, I don't like her mental abuse, her crazy behavior. And yet, I still believe I can fix her. 

[HarmKrakow]

I still think I cannot be happy without her...

But can you be happy with her ?... .  

Nobody deserves being treated like this, why would you ?

Clearmind made a very good post. Yes, breathe, and take care of YOURSELF 

Thanks for reading my story IfOnlyIKnew!

And can I be happy with her? The last time I was happy with her was back in October... I feel everytime i'm with her, I feel like i have a chance to break through her head and get the old person back. However, everyday since October i've failed and let her step over my boundaries more and more every week. I've had it with blaming myself for my own misery and blaming myself for my own misfortune because I simply do not have the energy to break up with her.

[HarmKrakow]

Oh she has initiated NC again. And hasn't said a word, text or email or anything since Friday as we were supposed to do something today.

[Newton]

Im sorry... .  thats not cool!... .  concentrate on how she is behaving... .  let her words go.

[HarmKrakow]

Im sorry... .  thats not cool!... .  concentrate on how she is behaving... .  let her words go.

That was my plan  . I've had it spilling my guts about her and her showing me pain. I've had it. I rather not post it at all. I will leave it for now NC for the win. She has no idea how much pain she throws me in.

[HarmKrakow]

Im sorry... .  thats not cool!... .  concentrate on how she is behaving... .  let her words go.

Thanks also for your contribution on the board so far. Very interesting to read your first post here when you started and my god, the similarities are many  :'(

[Newton]

Thats our common bond here 

Many (including me) arrive here emotionally broken... .  bewildered... .  lost.

Healing is a process and we all do it in different ways, on differing timescales.  That is where we, and the majority of pwBPD differ.  We are willing /able to put in the hard work!

[HarmKrakow]

Thats our common bond here 

Many (including me) arrive here emotionally broken... .  bewildered... .  lost.

Healing is a process and we all do it in different ways, on differing timescales.  That is where we, and the majority of pwBPD differ.  We are willing /able to put in the hard work!

Emotionally broken. That would sum it up. My gf broke her NC of 2 days, i had no idea what she had been doing for the entire weekend, and she didn't tell either. She started (of course) off with

A;WHY DID YOU LIE EH?

me; sorry?

A; YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD A NEW JOB AS RISK ANALYST, I SEE M&A? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU, WHY YOU LIE AGAIN EH?

me; I'm going to do risk analysis, under the sector M&A. I will calculate risk from sectors, as part of the M&A team...

A; Hm... .  show me the contract I don't believe YOU

me; (i hastily made some pictures of my contract and send it to her... )

A; Oooh look at that, got an email from a stranger...

A; Hmm ... oke, well, well done mister. Good luck on the job. I have some belly pain and therefore i'm going to bed now, have a nice sleep and we'll speak somewhere later...

And that was it. After this convo i started crying. She broke NC, she straight away started attacking me and I allowed her to do all that. I don't think I have any boundaries left anymore. And her weird sense of communicating is seriously peculiar and awkward. This is not how adults communicate. If I would speak to any of my friends and they asked me, what was the last conversation with your gf? And I would tell them this, they would shake their head and advice me to run.

[IfOnlyIKnew]

Harmkrakow,

I've got the (bad) feeling that she's gonna do that again and again now

Don't let her impeed you to start this new job in the best conditions. Everybody knows how important is a job nowadays. Focus on it ! This job is the 1st step in your way to take your life back and start a new life away from pressure and anxiety.

Hold on and focus on yourself first ! 

[HarmKrakow]

And look at that ...

I got sucked right back in. We had a 2h chat today, and not all was good, but time flew when we talked, I ignored all the  's in the conversation. I was yet again completely swapped away in love and only thought about getting myself back to her as soon as I can. I love this woman and this woman has her claws right around my heart. It's her birthday (wednesday) and I sent her some flowers and a birthday box.

We had a good conversation today and seriously, since all the drama last time on Sunday ... i can finally say, i will sleep good tonight. I will sleep awesome because I had a night of no drama with my gf w BPD and *poof* magically the tension dissapeared. I really have to write that down here because I have a little person sitting on my right shoulder shaking his head. Maybe he wants to tell me something coming days? I love her, I want to marry her and I want to have kids with her. This woman makes my heart go wild. I am gripped by this girl and I do not wish to live with out her.

Although in the conversation today I told her that I sometimes panicked on her reactions because she threatened to completely cut me off her life, completely and I couldnt deal with that and she told me, straight to my face that she learnt that ... .  FROM ME? No idea how she got that from me (BS) but hey, we had an awesome conversation with no drama and I see butterflies everywhere. 

... although I have a little butterfly gut feeling I might come back to this post in the future.