Not returning your stuff. Seriously What is that about?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've seen so many people here with similar stories of how their exes won't return their stuff or even politely respond about what to do with their stuff.

It was a nightmare trying to get my stuff back from my ex! She dumped me yet she didn't even have the courtesy to respond about returning my stuff. I was getting total silence anyway (shed changed her number etc)-it was madness.

I had to wait weeks and send countless requests. She one day coldly dumped 3 books on my sidewalk but not the rest of my stuff. I never heard from her what happened to it.

I had to even ask her flat mate for assistance in retrieving it! And he was rude as hell... Told me my ex wants me "out of her life" and doesn't want to talk to me. And my behaviour was apparently unacceptable?

Craaaaaazy! All this because I wanted my things returned!

I don't think my ex us keeping my other stuff hostage but she is deliberately choosing to not respond about it... about anything- because she's cut me off.

But it feels like she enjoyed punishing me with silence and seeing me getting angrier and angrier that she was ignoring me .

What is this about? Is it about controlling you? Is it part if the silence to keep it all consistent ie she's not responding about me trying to reconcile so she won't respond about my stuff too?

[Diana82]

I've seen so many people here with similar stories of how their exes won't return their stuff or even politely respond about what to do with their stuff.

It was a nightmare trying to get my stuff back from my ex! She dumped me yet she didn't even have the courtesy to respond about returning my stuff. I was getting total silence anyway (shed changed her number etc)-it was madness.

I had to wait weeks and send countless requests. She one day coldly dumped 3 books on my sidewalk but not the rest of my stuff. I never heard from her what happened to it.

I had to even ask her flat mate for assistance in retrieving it! And he was rude as hell... Told me my ex wants me "out of her life" and doesn't want to talk to me. And my behaviour was apparently unacceptable?

Craaaaaazy! All this because I wanted my things returned!

I don't think my ex us keeping my other stuff hostage but she is deliberately choosing to not respond about it... about anything- because she's cut me off.

But it feels like she enjoyed punishing me with silence and seeing me getting angrier and angrier that she was ignoring me .

What is this about? Is it about controlling you? Is it part if the silence to keep it all consistent ie she's not responding about me trying to reconcile so she won't respond about my stuff too?

[Want2know]

But it feels like she enjoyed punishing me with silence and seeing me getting angrier and angrier that she was ignoring me .

What is this about? Is it about controlling you? Is it part if the silence to keep it all consistent ie she's not responding about me trying to reconcile so she won't respond about my stuff too?

It sounds like you are allowing her to control you. 

Sometimes during a break up, we may need to let some things go... .  is it worth it to continue to be aggravated over some personal belongings, or do you want to move on and let it go?

[HarmKrakow]

But it feels like she enjoyed punishing me with silence and seeing me getting angrier and angrier that she was ignoring me .

What is this about? Is it about controlling you? Is it part if the silence to keep it all consistent ie she's not responding about me trying to reconcile so she won't respond about my stuff too?

It sounds like you are allowing her to control you. 

Sometimes during a break up, we may need to let some things go... .  is it worth it to continue to be aggravated over some personal belongings, or do you want to move on and let it go?

I agree with you completely, but would you not argue that in a normal break up in a 'normal' r/s, even though the break up was a bit messy, giving back stuff from a pure logical (!) sense would make things easier for both(!) parties? Because then you don't have to look at her/his stuff anymore and do you know that there isnt anything anymore which keeps you 2 together.

[atwitsend]

This is a crazily familiar topic---I've started, added to and ended forum topics on this subject.

Not trying to incite a riot, but my opinion runs counter to the majority.

I ran into precisely the same issues as you--after 11 years of a relationship. Sick and tired of ignoring my polite requests for return of property (we're not talking much here gang--2 to 3k at most)... .  I got a lawyer, filed papers and let him deal with her NC. End result was that I got all that I wanted back.

I say, DO NOT back off. If it's truly your stuff? And you want it? GET IT!

i tried but couldn't/cant possibly understand the motivation of a crazy person so I quit trying and let my lawyer do it. It's the only thing she understood.

NS

[Diana82]

Thanks for your response.

Well, my ex returned 3 books of mine... .  (after I emailed her several times to) by dumping them on my sidewalk with no note. But she still returned them nonetheless. So what is weird is why she wouldn't return the rest of it by now! It's be 5.5 months.

Her flatmate (also her best friend) angrily told me she doesn't have the rest of my stuff.

I am missing: a ring my Mum bought me, watch, clothing, hairdryer. I don't really care about the clothing and hair dryer but it's on principle I guess.

I don't feel my ex is nutty enough to withhold my ring and watch. I think she has lost it.

But she should TELL me this. That's what I want... I want her to call me or email me and tell me she lost it or that she has no idea where it is

Instead I had to cop abuse from her friend over the phone that she doesn't want to talk to me... she doesn't have the stuff... and she wants me out of her life.

This is a 28 year old woman. She is such a coward that she has to get her friend to do her dirty work for her.

[Clearmind]

But it feels like she enjoyed punishing me with silence and seeing me getting angrier and angrier that she was ignoring me .

Diana – it appears that it’s working! You are further punishing yourself by attempting to get your stuff back – knowing full well you are dealing with a mentally ill person and you are angry!

Why is it that you are angry? Is it really about your stuff or is about the fact she is not contacting you?

What is this about? Is it about controlling you? Is it part if the silence to keep it all consistent ie she's not responding about me trying to reconcile so she won't respond about my stuff too?

To be honest – out of sight out of mind – you are no longer in her thoughts. Sounds harsh however this is the nature of the disorder.

Simply said – we were needed for a while and now we are not. Is there a reason why you need her back in your life? What do you want from this relationship? What are you hoping to gain from reconciling – not to mention the fact that reconciliation is difficult if she is not communicating with you.

D82, what do you want from your life?

[charred]

I didn't have an issue with stuff not being returned... their wasn't any. But, what I did have was giant disparity in what I gave her/she gave me. We both made good money, however, she hinted and wanted things. A ring (promise... but nice gold/rubies)... couch and chair were shot... nice sofa/loveseat/recliner, her computer was ancient, laptop, wireless printer, vacuum, etc... all in all a lot of nice stuff. Also trips to Eagles concert, TSO, trip to Puerto Rico... really a lot of nice stuff.

Now going the other way... I got a $100 gift card, and 8 shirts... (spread out over time)... the thing on the shirts... she threw a hissy fit over something and I ended up paying her back for them.

Not exactly evenly balanced... .  (not that I expect that when dating)... but this is pretty one sided.

Then she was a no show for us to move in, wouldn't contact me, so I went NC... few weeks later she is on FB with a new guy... 6 mos passes, he dumps her (said she was unstable)... and she contacts me and wants sympathy, says he drained her dry... .  and that she HAD to date him to stop the pain I caused her. So I am very hesitant to believe that she cut loose with money on anyone... not sure I am sure she is done with him, but the comment that she HAD to date him... in the past I would have taken as BS, but now I think she actually felt like she had to be seeing someone/anyone rather than be alone.

I am so thankful I never married her, didn't have a house full of stuff to argue or contend with and no kids with her.

[Diana82]

clearmind>

I have given up trying to reconcile, believe me.

I tried for 2 weeks after we split up and when she cut me off and changed her number- I gave up.

It became about retrieving my stuff after this. I was astonished at my ex's behaviour.

I understood she didn't want to get back together etc and discuss the relationship- but to not even return my stuff was pathetic.

I have given up trying to get it back or find out what happened to the rest of it. I backed off right after her flatmate told me she wants me out of her life.

I haven't contacted my ex for 3 months.

But I still wonder what happened to my ring. I'm still upset that it's lost and she won't tell me what happened to it.

It's very cruel.  And feels like she is punishing me so bad and acting like the one who got dumped.

My family tell me to let it go and that she's "spoilt"  . My friends tell me my ex is crazy and unstable and to stay away.

I WISH I could turn the police on to her.

[almost789]

Its wrong, its theft, its illegal and you COULD turn the police on her. I would not let them get away with it. She doesnt deserve and is not entitled to your ring!

[Clearmind]

Life should be fair - however it is not always!

D82, how can you let this go emotionally? This will hold you down and stop you from detaching.

[Diana82]

But her best friend says she doesn't have it... .  

He told me "All she has is your HAIR DRYER!   I can return your hair dryer if you want"

That's what he offered.

But I said "I don't really care about the hair dryer... .   I am missing my ring, watch... .  "

I wasn't getting through to this friend at all... he kept talking over me.

And I asked if he could please get my ex to call me so i can explain exactly what I'm missing.

And that's when he screamed down the phone:

 "She DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. YOU'LL NEVER GET CLOSURE FROM HER! MOVE ON! YOU HAVE NOT STOPPED CONTACTING HER FOR MONTHS. IT'S UNACCEPTABLE!"  and

"IT'S BIZARRE! SHE WANTS YOU OUT OF HER LIFE! DO NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN AND DO NOT CONTACT ME"

That's the kind of rubbish treatment I got... and for what? asking for my stuff. My ex obviously told her friend I was "harassing" her for no reason so he is playing protector.

[Diana82]

Clearmind> I'm not sure.

I haven't attempted to contact her again after that crazy call from her friend. I'm scared

But I cannot seem to get over this behaviour. And want to hear other people's experiences of trying to get their stuff back

[Suzn]

I'm scared

I'm sorry you're scared Diana, I know this feeling well. I'm glad to see you talk about how you feel.

But I cannot seem to get over this behaviour. 

I remember how this feels, I felt this way with my ex too. What I figured out was I was angry that she wouldn't do what I wanted. Of course you want your stuff back, anyone would. You said yourself your family, I'm assuming your mother too, has told you it's ok to let it go. How can you get to a point to let it go? It's a conscious decision.

And want to hear other people's experiences of trying to get their stuff back

This is only going to keep this anger and fear inside of you going. What may be more helpful in the long run is to accept this situation is the way it is and it's likely not going to change. I'm sorry, I know how hard this is to do. We've all been in your shoes.

[Diana82]

Thanks Suzn. I know...

Today I just felt really down about my ring.

I saw someone's ring that was from their Mother today and was reminded of the fact I don't have mine anymore. And don't know where it could be.

I mean it could be possible that I lost it by the way. But I was always leaving jewellery at my ex's place... and my watch!

The fact that she knows how special this  ring was to me... she could have at least just dropped me a one liner saying "sorry you can't find your ring but it's definitely not at my place... .  "

She must think silence tells me the answer.

I suppose I shouldn't have expected her to correspond with me if she had already changed her number

I think her best friend looked at my behaviour (trying to get my stuff back) as a way of forcing my ex to talk to me... or that I was persisting because I wanted closure

hence why he said "she DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU! YOU'LL NEVER GET CLOSURE".

[Want2know]

Today I just felt really down about my ring.

I saw someone's ring that was from their Mother today and was reminded of the fact I don't have mine anymore. And don't know where it could be.

That can hurt.  I know.  My ex stole a painting done by my step-father that hung over my moms bed for many years and sold it (mom and step-father are both deceased).  He will never admit to it, nor do I care to address it with him.  I let it go as it is not worth the effort.  It's a material item that I no longer have, however, I have the memories of my mom and I have peace having ended what was a very dysfunctional relationship with my ex.

[toliveistofly]

I kicked my ex BPD out of my house when she threw a remote control at my wall and tore a $2000 oil painting. Of couse, I felt bad, and I moved to my brother's and let her stay at my house while she was looknig for a place to live. On a Friday she called me and asked if I would meet her at the house Sunday to help her pack and move. I said yes, no problem. She asked me not to come by in the meantime because it was too hard for her. At midnight that same night she called me; she said she felt guilty and needed to tell me that she had movers come that night. I went to my house. EMPTY. She left me my master bedroom furniture and my TV and some other personal stuff. When I called her she said she took what she needed to furnish her new apartment; she asked me "did you expect me not to have a bed? I cant afford to buy new furniture." So - she stole it. I guess that makes sense? Now I have to rebuy it?

she also kept the ring. $20K. gone.

I did not take her to court because she is dangerous and liar and I figured paying $50k to get her out of my life was better than ending up in jail or dead, or worst of all, married to her with children.

Funniest part was when I contacted her father and mother; their response was that she was no longer their responsibility and that if I felt I needed to contact the police that I should go ahead and do it. Now I see how she ended up how she did.

[Clearmind]

Funniest part was when I contacted her father and mother; their response was that she was no longer their responsibility and that if I felt I needed to contact the police that I should go ahead and do it. Now I see how she ended up how she did.

toliveistofly, there comes a time when adults need to be adults - her parents likely did the right thing here - although it may not have been the answer/solution you were after!

[Suzn]

I saw someone's ring that was from their Mother today and was reminded of the fact I don't have mine anymore. And don't know where it could be.

Either way it's a loss, right? It's disappointing for you, it would be for anyone. I get it. You saw something today that triggered this loss and that disappointment again. This happens with all of us. It will get easier over time.

she could have at least just dropped me a one liner saying "sorry you can't find your ring but it's definitely not at my place... .  "

She could have, and it would have been nice of her. It wouldn't have taken away the loss though would it?

She must think silence tells me the answer.

I'd like to challenge you to stay with your emotions for a while. We can guess what she's thinking or feeling all day long but you can only truly know how you're feeling. How you're feeling, now, is what matters. This is what helped me detach and eventually I got that closure.

[MaybeSo]

Giving away too much to someone because they hint they like nice stuff is On YOU. I've hinted, geesh, I've directly asked for nice things... .  usually I don't get them! If you give me nice stuff, that's your decision, for  YOUR own reasons.

If I think I lost a precious ring, but I'm not sure really if I lost it or she lost it or where it is even... .  that's  my problem. My ring, my sentimental value... .  then I'd better keep track of where it is!  If I fail to keep track of my own precious items... .  that's on me! That's not my ex's problem!

If you know a person has special items of value that belong to you at their residence, and they won't cooperate in returning them, call the cops or an attorney.  Take the reins and go after it legally and safely. If there's a million reasons why you can't or won't  do that... .  

Then accept that the items are gone, consider it a life lesson and move on.


And yea, I agree with Clearmind 100 percent, the parents of the grifter who stole your furniture after letting her BACK in after she already showed you how unstable she is... .  have every right to say she's not their responsibility anymore, and to call the police if you have a beef with her.  You betcha! What are they going to do? Ground her?

Folks, we chose to be entangled with these people. These were your boyfriends/girlfriends.   Yes we've all been through similar experiences but at some point you got start accepting there were two people, not just one, in the relationship. At some point you gotta start looking in the mirror.

[waitaminute]

Shipwrecks, hurricanes, earthquakes, BPD relationships... .  Destruction.

Many people on the Titanic - those who escaped with their lives - lost rings and watches. Chalk em up to this natural disaster and get your life back.

[Diana82]

I forgot to add- I did call the police a couple of months ago about this.

She was ignoring me for almost 2 months and I'd sent emails to her work and her personal email. Obviously I couldn't call her as she changed her number.

I asked the police what my options were and they said it is theft to withhold stuff like that. They also said that I do have the right to try ringing on her bell if she continues to ignore me. They said I would not get a restraining order (I was worried) because SHE is withholding stuff.

So i did go to her apartment. But nobody answered the doorbell.

That's when I had to ask her friend flatmate! I didn't want to resort to that... .  but I was polite in my correspondence.

I never expected him to bark at me the way he did. I even asked him "it feels like I am missing something here! Did she tell you I cheated on her or something? This is crazy! I was her partner for 3 years! I just wanted my stuff back!"

And that's when he told me that I am the 'bizarre' one who had been acting in an unacceptable way and that I will never get closure from my ex.

[toliveistofly]

You guys are absolutely right; I shouldn't have expected anything from her parents and I shouldn't have let her back into my house. She was young and I think her family would have intervened if they actually believed me; they actually thought it was funny. Anyway, yeah, I could have sent her to jail or taken her to court, but I didn't, because I still cared about her and because I was afraid of her.

But I have been in a lot of rs and nothing like this has ever happened. We always peacefully (and sometimes even graciously) split our shared belongings. So yes, if something like this happens again, I will blame myself completely. In this first instance of pure insanity I am going to give myself a break and say I couldn't have known any better.

Fool me once, right.

[Diana82]

Maybeso> yes, you have a point. It IS my responsibility to look after my things.

However, I was always staying at her apartment... we were partners.  Of course I am going to leave stuff there by accident or intended.

When she dumped me... I wasn't even thinking about my stuff... I was that devastated. I didn't even think to say 'Ok fine... .  now, about my stuff... .  "

It crossed my mind later on. It was part of the bits and pieces I needed to tidy up after being brutally dumped.

And I actually thought she would have cooled down by the time I did contact her about my stuff!

[BlushAndBashful]

Rather than going with the full-blown attorney, if you know she has stuff, could you take her to small claims court? Here it costs like $30 to file.

I will admit right here, I was the crazy one when it came to returning stuff. Other people in other threads have said "just walk away from it all! What's $XXX worth of stuff?"  My ex didn't want his own stuff back and just wanted to walk away (dude, at least pick up your MAIL, or give the post office a change of address).  And he didn't necessarily hold my stuff hostage, he just dumped me and wanted no contact with me. Literally overnight. No, really. I left his house in my pajamas, happy as a clam, thinking I would see him again. Surprise! Threats of a R/O, and the next time I saw him was 6 months later in court.

So, since we had to go to court anyway, I wrote in there "I WANT MY STUFF BACK". Total belongings were like $75. I wanted my dress back. I wanted my dam underwear back. I wanted my cell phone charger back, and the dog-eared paperback that I had only gotten halfway through. That kind of stuff. All and all, it fit in two Walmart bags.

Was it worth it? For me, yes. I was tired of him getting away with everything. I was tired of him having 100% control, on a whim, on what our dating/marital status was. I was tired of the random threats of a R/O. I was tired of him having ZERO responsibility. I mean, let's face it, he was a jerk as a BF and husband. But take responsibility for the consequences. You want me out of your life? Fine. But GIMME BACK MY SHOES.

Those were really cute shoes, too, btw. Worth it.  

But to be totally fair, if the judge wouldn't have ruled that I got it back, I would have looked like a total pathetic boob. That's the risk.

[almost789]

Hi Diana, Im really sorry I Can tell this is bothering you. I know what its like lose sentimental things. When those things are lost due to basically a theft from our loved ones, thats especially difficult! Im not sure what you legal recourse is if your not sure shes intentionally witholding it. But, i totally understand when they break with us the way they do we are in shock! Literally walking zombies. The last thing were thinking is where's my stuff? I dont find it irresponsible of you that you may have left a piece of jewlery at you long term girlfriends house. Afterall you didnt know she was going to break up and then steal your stuff! The cops told you its theft and it is.Theres nothing wrong with wanting your stuff back, and you have every right to get it back. If she is intentionally holding it as some other posters said in a court of law she would be ordered to return or face a penalty. She would also most likely be forced to pay for your attorney you had to obtain to get your stuff back. Also, many times its setteled before you ever go to court because when they get the notice their being sued, suddenly they can find your stuff!  Not all of us are up for the fight or find their stuff worth fighting over. Its up to YOU! I can only say that if it was me and i knew i could get it back by legal force i would. If i knew i could not then id let it go.

[Diana82]

Mauser> Haha I had to laugh about your shoe comment  

If my ex has lost my ring and watch etc I don't know what an attorney will do

[Suzn]

Well an attorney would charge you for his services and it may be for nothing. She may have lost it or you may have lost it... .  

Bottom line, it would be an ordeal to go through all involved and could leave you feeling hurt and raw all over again. Is it really worth that to you?  

Or you could use this as a practice in letting go and you looking out for your own well being. Which would be better for you?    

[HostNoMore]

This is definitely my favorite BPD topic.

I'm with Clearmind in that you are completely not even close to being on their radar screen when you're not around so this could be a major contributor to this behavior.  There may also be some trophy keeping elements to it, or, maybe, they just get hyper-triggered by the stress of returning property and find it easier to not do it.  No matter what, it's just an excuse on their part.  Property should be returned, ideally. 

Of course, you have to accept you are dealing with a disordered individual who does not think as we do.  One year ago I was consumed with the fact my property had not been returned.  I accepted some good advice from this board and wrote it off as lost forever.  Once I did that, my negative feelings about it went away for the most part.  I will admit that even though I am completely clear of her emotionally I will occasionally get a little bent about not getting my property back from her.  Even that is getting better though as I know it is long GONE.

Unless it has enough financial value to warrant bringing in an attorney or the stresses of going to court, you should just write it off as tuition in the school of life.  However, it is not right, but what can we expect from what are probably some of the most self-centered inhabitants of this planet.

[freshlySane]

Is just stuff if lost thousands of dollars to my exBPD she actually stole my tablet and lied to about it for months until i confronted her one night  ... i guess they feel justified in some way just let the material go who knows why they reason in their mind the things they do they think there right in some sense well at least in the case of my ex

[HarmKrakow]

Don't you guys have issues knowing you have personal stuff which REMINDS you of your mental pwBPD?