Time and age

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When I read many of the posts here, I think I don't have it so bad. Though my wife nails most of the diagnostic criteria, she doesn't present the worst. No promiscuity, suicidal behavior, impulsive spending. I don't have it so bad. But then I think, most of these folks posting here are writing about relatively brief relationships compared to ours. Thirty years on, and I'm 67 and she's 52. The BP behaviors have become unbearable only in the last few years, though milder versions of them were there from way back; as a child she was told by her father that dealing with her was like walking on eggshells.

So, she is in therapy every other week; will not see a psychiatrist; is improving but way slower than she imagines; has yet to recognize the seriousness of her disorder or its true nature; continues to shove me away with anger, criticism, and just plain rude behavior, and then to berate me for my coldness. I'm a far better person than when we first got together--and much of that is due to wisdom I learned from her--but I feel that now that I have recognized I am in a pot of boiling water that started out comfortably lukewarm but has been heating so slowly I foolishly took as long as the proverbial frog to recognize the danger. And that recognition is making me less tolerant of her, less adaptable, and even grouchy. Reactions that she then uses against me.

Any thoughts on a long process like mine and how to handle the situation without the energy and optimism of my younger years?

By the way, I am in therapy too and am taking Vit D and Testosterone, so I'm really an energetic guy when my spirits are not being crushed by her.

[Setter Rob]

When I read many of the posts here, I think I don't have it so bad. Though my wife nails most of the diagnostic criteria, she doesn't present the worst. No promiscuity, suicidal behavior, impulsive spending. I don't have it so bad. But then I think, most of these folks posting here are writing about relatively brief relationships compared to ours. Thirty years on, and I'm 67 and she's 52. The BP behaviors have become unbearable only in the last few years, though milder versions of them were there from way back; as a child she was told by her father that dealing with her was like walking on eggshells.

So, she is in therapy every other week; will not see a psychiatrist; is improving but way slower than she imagines; has yet to recognize the seriousness of her disorder or its true nature; continues to shove me away with anger, criticism, and just plain rude behavior, and then to berate me for my coldness. I'm a far better person than when we first got together--and much of that is due to wisdom I learned from her--but I feel that now that I have recognized I am in a pot of boiling water that started out comfortably lukewarm but has been heating so slowly I foolishly took as long as the proverbial frog to recognize the danger. And that recognition is making me less tolerant of her, less adaptable, and even grouchy. Reactions that she then uses against me.

Any thoughts on a long process like mine and how to handle the situation without the energy and optimism of my younger years?

By the way, I am in therapy too and am taking Vit D and Testosterone, so I'm really an energetic guy when my spirits are not being crushed by her.

[Clearmind]

It could be made worse with the onset of menopause!

What wise words have you heard from your therapist about where to from here?

Stop accusations and blaming by Protecting Ourselves with Values and Boundaries are a really good start SetterRob.

[Setter Rob]

She is well past menopause, but her hormones definitely seem out of whack and a seizure disorder complicates matters. My therapist is very supportive, is concerned about my protecting myself, and as for a prognosis she says,

It's all an experiment." I don't think she's very hopeful, but she knows the pain a breakup would cause me.

[Clearmind]

SR - I believe the best thing you can do for yourself is to find your own independence aside from your wife. You may have become very accustomed to bending to her every need/whim.

Find you, don't take her insults and blame personally. We need to build our self worth - we then don't care what insults are thrown.

Do you take her blame personally - is there a reason? Do you feel inferior, hurt, believe what she says about you? What blame/insult hurts the most?