Codependency talking

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

One whole week in the real world- it's actually OK out there on my own but it's nice to come back here. You people get it like others can't. My boyfriend who's just disappeared got it too, having been in a r/s with a disordered person. I'll miss his company and his insight.

I went out there and managed to end the new relationship I was in all by myself- I am pleased that I did but not sure I know myself and my feelings well enough to be in a relationship at all right now. Need some hard work first but I like the company of men.

I didn't end the relationship very directly, more said there's this, this and this wrong and felt relieved but sad when he ended it. Now I'm feeling guilty for confusing him but at least I tried to be honest so if he's confused it's his issue as I wanted to discuss things- he didn't.

But it's disturbing. That I really didn't know either way whether I wanted to continue or not but was hoping he would end it because it would be easier. Ah well, back to my codependency book which holds all the answers and my cocoa which isn't as good as the sex and the company was but is all I'm allowing myself until I grow up a bit more.

In my therapy assessment this week I talked about turning 46 and how my mother had died at the age of 45. I was talking about whether I had the strength to go through therapy right now, knowing I had some real heavy emotional work to do. I said I need to keep myself together for my children and my job- that I was worried about falling apart. I said I know it's typical of being codependent but my children really do need me to be OK especially as their dad has issues with alcohol. The therapist asked me if I was worried I was going to leave my children. She said it was interesting that I was coming for therapy just as I left my 45th year and that was the age my mother died. I said I had always thought I wouldn't get past 45 but now I was OK with it and didn't think I was about to die.

The therapist said yes but this is the age that you are choosing to be in real therapy. As if you want to leave an old self behind. After the session (just an assessment) I felt lighter, slightly cleansed. I'm looking forward to doing the work even though I'm terrified. I think I knew I couldn't be in this therapy and in a r/s, that it wouldn't work for me right now.

I'm getting there are many different types of codependency and many different types of codependent relationships. Lots of work to do. I'm very grateful for this website.

Thank you folks of the PI board x

[maria1]

One whole week in the real world- it's actually OK out there on my own but it's nice to come back here. You people get it like others can't. My boyfriend who's just disappeared got it too, having been in a r/s with a disordered person. I'll miss his company and his insight.

I went out there and managed to end the new relationship I was in all by myself- I am pleased that I did but not sure I know myself and my feelings well enough to be in a relationship at all right now. Need some hard work first but I like the company of men.

I didn't end the relationship very directly, more said there's this, this and this wrong and felt relieved but sad when he ended it. Now I'm feeling guilty for confusing him but at least I tried to be honest so if he's confused it's his issue as I wanted to discuss things- he didn't.

But it's disturbing. That I really didn't know either way whether I wanted to continue or not but was hoping he would end it because it would be easier. Ah well, back to my codependency book which holds all the answers and my cocoa which isn't as good as the sex and the company was but is all I'm allowing myself until I grow up a bit more.

In my therapy assessment this week I talked about turning 46 and how my mother had died at the age of 45. I was talking about whether I had the strength to go through therapy right now, knowing I had some real heavy emotional work to do. I said I need to keep myself together for my children and my job- that I was worried about falling apart. I said I know it's typical of being codependent but my children really do need me to be OK especially as their dad has issues with alcohol. The therapist asked me if I was worried I was going to leave my children. She said it was interesting that I was coming for therapy just as I left my 45th year and that was the age my mother died. I said I had always thought I wouldn't get past 45 but now I was OK with it and didn't think I was about to die.

The therapist said yes but this is the age that you are choosing to be in real therapy. As if you want to leave an old self behind. After the session (just an assessment) I felt lighter, slightly cleansed. I'm looking forward to doing the work even though I'm terrified. I think I knew I couldn't be in this therapy and in a r/s, that it wouldn't work for me right now.

I'm getting there are many different types of codependency and many different types of codependent relationships. Lots of work to do. I'm very grateful for this website.

Thank you folks of the PI board x

[heartandwhole]

Hi Maria,

I've been away from the website for a little bit and was surprised to read that you broke up with the man you were seeing. It seemed to be going so well?  I guess I missed some developments.  My initial feeling was to say I'm sorry it didn't work out, but it seems that you feel okay about it, so I'm glad that you feel it's the right thing for you.  Good for you that you were willing to take the risk to get close to someone.

I'm still not near any kind of dating, in fact, I told my T the other day that I'm literally hiding out, and I'd like that to change... .  just not sure how, because I've been doing it for quite a while 

I wish you a lot of happiness, with yourself and your family, and with someone new when the time is right. You bring a lot of wisdom to these boards, thank you for that.





 

[maria1]

Thanks Heartandwhole-I didn't really share any doubts on here. I didn't want anyone to see them because I hadn't worked them out for myself. I'm glad I made the decision for myself in the end. He was the one to call it but only after I'd listed everything I couldn't be doing with in the r/s.

It was going well in every way but I just wasn't feeling anything and he seemed to be knocking me off the pedestal. He didn't want to work at it so that's that.

I'm glad to be back- thanks for your kind words   I love this place. x

[maria1]

Meant to add- if you want it to change then maybe get out there and have a go? It might be time to dip your toe in. It has helped me. I don't think it has set me back.

[heartandwhole]

Yes, maybe it is    yikes  that's a bit scary.  Not sure I'm ready.  My T told me to listen to the fear, it would tell me a lot.  So that's where I am at the moment, listening.  Thanks for the encouragement.

Also, if you ever want to elaborate on what was happening with your r/s, I'm sure a lot of people would learn from it and offer insight.  And I understand that it's really personal, too.

[maria1]

Sounds wise to listen to your therapist! I am aware that fear can keep us stuck and keep us avoiding what we need to do. I tend to run away and not even notice when I'm afraid.

Exploring that fear sounds very wise.

[Cmjo]

Hi Maria

I will be 47 this year, the age my mum died of cancer. She had a wasted life, was sick for most of my childhood, had been a brilliant artist but after marrying my dad was stuck in the suburbs as a housewife, and my father, who from what I have learnt here in the last few months was an emotionally immature human being, convinced of being superior to evryone with no empathy, I guess a narcissist, similar in ways to my BPDexh. My mum and dad had a stormy and miserable marriage. Dad only stayed around because she ws sick and he couldnt be seen to leave. I am so sad her life was wasted, I dont want to make the same mistake, the stress I have been living under could make anyone sick. I realise leaving my BPDh is partly to do with not wanting tomwaste my life being sad? I remember mum battling cancer with the power of positive thinking, and memories of her incredible battle will keep me going... .  

[maria1]

Hi CMJO

Your parents story sounds similar to mine. My mum was learning to drive when she became ill; she was planning to go to University finally and, apparently leave my father.

I know just what you mean about not wanting to waste life. It's too short. Maybe that strength from seeing our mothers die feeling so un-achieved is what keeps us from going back?