Frustrated with lack of romance/emotional intimacy

[shatra]

Hi

  I am feeling frustrated with the lack of romance/emotional intimacy in my relationship.  I have written before about his lack of gift-giving and am trying to accept his explanation "I've never been a gift-giver".  It just seems that most of our talks are the same as talks he might have with his mother, an acquaintance, a stranger, neighbor, etc.  If someone heard them, they might not pick up any romantic feeling.

  He does provide emotional support, and is physically affectionate, but beyond that there is very little in terms of "I really love  you and miss you" or "When I look into your eyes I feel a deep closeness". He says he feels these things but has never been expressive about them, so he wants me to just accept him as he is and not read into this that it means he doesnt' feel romantic.

    If I bring this up to him he feels attacked and controlled, and fears I will leave him. I don't want to leave, since a new partner might be just as non-romantic or non-emotionally intimate.

    Any suggestions? I am practicing the DBT technique of not bringing up criticisms while I am feeling upset.

Thank you

Shatra

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[shatra]

Hi again----

   This was post number 666 for me! I am wondering if an option is to just cope with the lack of romance, not take it personally, and try to get my romance fix from movies and romantic music. I would prefer to share these things with him though. And I would be happy if he would say romantic words sometimes ("I have such a deep feeling for you" or bring me romantic gifts, but he doesn't and I feel upset.

Shatra

[mitti]

Hi Shatra,

I don't really know your story, for how long you have been together and if your bf has a dx etc. With my pwBPD, after the initial honey moon stage (we have been together for 4 years) when he would tell me pretty much all the time how much he loved me, how good looking I was etc and kiss me forever before saying goodbye, all displays of affection pretty much ceased, except sex and in that area he has always been as caring and loving as he was in the beginning. But he would never tell me he loved me or pay me any compliments. I thought it would come back as our r/s progressed and living through one drama after another, he would never tell me anything. Sometimes when in pull again he would be a little more physically affectionate but not nearly as much as during the honey moon stage. It took two years, when reconciling after a long breakup, he finally told me he loved me again. He has since become more affectionate and been able to tell me how he feels about me. He knows all these things are important to me and he has been able to show me affection even when he feels distant because he realizes it puts me at ease and then also him. It's not constant but it has got a lot better and I know he can get back there.

[shatra]

Hi

Yes Mitti he meets the criteria for BPD. We have been dating for 3 years.  Just as you wrote, the affection is there physically, not verbally.

You wrote

He has since become more affectionate and been able to tell me how he feels about me.

Can you think of what prompted this? How he is now able to do that?

Thanks

Shatra

[CodependentHusband]

Hmm... .  I can relate. For me it is about the same, except that there is less affection, both physically and verbally. My wife never flirts with me, and I really do feel like I am in the "friend zone" 99% of the time. I don't blame her at all... .  honestly don't, but the loneliness gets to me every few weeks pretty intensely. Also, when she has me painted black, she cannot tell me that she still loves me but is mad at me... .  She used to be able to do that, but I don;t even know if it is possible now. I'm okay... .  but I hope I am strong enough to see this through and that the fact taht we aregue much less frequently now will bring her just a little bit closer to me.

[mitti]

He has since become more affectionate and been able to tell me how he feels about me.

Can you think of what prompted this? How he is now able to do that?

Hi Shatra,

My bf was very affectionate in the beginning of our r/s but once the honey moon stage had passed he became cold and distant, not constantly, but as before he had had a near constant need to be physically close to me, holding hands, cuddling up when watching a movie, hugging, spooning etc he no longer seemed to need it but kept at a distance and never initiated almost any touching. Only sex was more or less the same as before. Of course there were all the other BPD signs, such as raging, name-calling, silent treatment, being snappy and irritated basically all the time. We still had good times but not as before and a lot of drama, more or less every week. Then out of the blue, he split me and cut off all contact. He hated me and smeared me to people in his social circle.

When he came back after 7 months he was bewildered as to how his feelings for me had come back. We went through a really rough second beginning. I had changed how I reacted to his outbursts and back-to-front behavior. After a huge fight he cut me off again. This time I did the opposite and when he contacted me I wasn't even in the country. He broke down. I believe this was a turning point for us. After this he decided to commit, because, as he has told me, he thought he would never get over me. He had stayed NC for 7 months and not got over me. All previous gfs in his life he had left and forgotten quickly and he has never recycled anybody. I was struggling with PTSD because of what had happened and it was when I was reacting really badly one day that he told me "but I love you" again. And after that he changed back to being more affectionate, a lot less irritated, able to to deal with disagreements more successfully, not giving me the silent treatment and telling me how he felt about me etc. But he was still in pain and there were still ups and downs so it wasn't because all of a sudden he was again completely idealizing me and not having panicky feelings about us being close. It was like he had passed a hurdle and reached some new level of security with me.

[briefcase]

Have you ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman?  It might offer some insight into the different ways people express love.  It's not written for BPD situations, but I still got some interesting information by reading it.   

[Wrongturn1]

Have you ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman?  It might offer some insight into the different ways people express love.  It's not written for BPD situations, but I still got some interesting information by reading it.   

Funny you mention that one, Briefcase.  I read it and found myself thinking, "this would be really helpful for a mentally healthy couple, but when BPD is in the equation, these principles are not quite as applicable." 

[briefcase]

Have you ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman?  It might offer some insight into the different ways people express love.  It's not written for BPD situations, but I still got some interesting information by reading it.   

Funny you mention that one, Briefcase.  I read it and found myself thinking, "this would be really helpful for a mentally healthy couple, but when BPD is in the equation, these principles are not quite as applicable." 

Some of the things Shatra's boyfriend is doing (physical affection, emotional support) can be considered "acts of love" according to Chapman.  Gift-giving is a seperate love language, as is "quality time."  I agree, the book is written for two basically healthy people who just don't "get" the way the other expresses love.  BPD is a game changer and the book isn't for BPD issues. 

[4now]

It seems like this just goes with the territory.  It used to bother me immensely.  I felt unloved, unattractive, etc.  But I finally just let all expectations of him go. This being one of them.  When I finally took the focus of what I wasn't getting from him that I so desperately wanted, I was able to see what he was giving me.  Had I been so intently focusing on what he wasn't doing, I wouldn't have been able to see what efforts he was making. I have also found it helps to consciously acknowledge (to him and myself) his efforts.  Whatever form they may be.

As far as making any changes, or getting him to make any changes, that isn't likely going to happen as long as you force it or "gently" encourage him.  It seems like the only time change has occurred for me with my uBPDh is when I just let it all go.  Then, as if some karmic energy is at work, suddenly what I wanted starts to happen for me.  

Honestly, the things you would like to hear from him would require him to be extremely open and vulnerable to you.  It would be hard for almost anyone to say those things.  I wonder if we as the nons want to hear those declarations of undying love because we never really know where we stand with our so.

[Grey Kitty]

Let me agree that the "Five Languages of Love" is a good idea--i read the book and really liked it.

Especially the idea that everybody can simply TRY to speak of love in a way that doesn't feel natural. It will start out feeling really awkward and clunky... .  but if you realize that buying a little gift for holidays and out of the blue every few weeks will make your partner feel loved... .  you can just do it, and see how it works.

As others have said, it doesn't deal much with BPD directly. But I can look at it as providing some really good tips on how you may want to receive validation, vs. how your partner wants to receive validation... .  and the natural tendency to give what you want to receive even if it isn't exactly what is wanted.

Shatra, if your partner would be interested in reading a book like that, I would highly recommend you read it, share it, and see what comes of it!