The fear of falling in another BPD trap while detaching from your BPDbf/gf

[HarmKrakow]

While in the process of detaching from the illness of BPD, do you guys ever have the fear that you let yourself in this mess again?

During the detachment stages/phases, one will inevitably have the question; Why did I allow myself to get in this mess? Why did I let my boundaries go? Why did I allow his/her mental abuse towards me? Why did I allow myself to be placed on a pedestal and feel king/queen of the world? Why did I allow her/his freaky way of communication? Why did I get blinded by this false intensity in the r/s? Why did I not question his/her behavior and for crying out loud, why did I not see all those big  's?

As one goes through the phases of detachment and finds, step by step answers to his/her questions, one might wonder. Will I ever fall again for the BPD trap? I think this question relates deeply to the thought of how 'real' you thought the intensity was during your r/s as what I'm discussing with my shrink.

So the question would be;

Are you guys afraid that you might slip right back into another BPD trap? Even after being detached and well and completely recovered after your previous BPD relationship and reading the 2.54 million horrid stories on this board? Cuz put a summary together of the stories here and one would never want to date or be-friend any BPD ever again. Or are you so deeply scarred that it's hard to distinguish between a person your dating who is normal or who might have signs of BPD and therefore you self end up emotionally scarred and not being able to go back into a normal r/s as you once did before you met the BPDer in your life?

[Want2know]

While in the process of detaching from the illness of BPD, do you guys ever have the fear that you let yourself in this mess again?

During the detachment stages/phases, one will inevitably have the question; Why did I allow myself to get in this mess? Why did I let my boundaries go? Why did I allow his/her mental abuse towards me? Why did I allow myself to be placed on a pedestal and feel king/queen of the world? Why did I allow her/his freaky way of communication? Why did I get blinded by this false intensity in the r/s? Why did I not question his/her behavior and for crying out loud, why did I not see all those big  's?

These are all good questions to ask.

I do have some concern over getting into another relationship with someone who has similar qualities to my ex, as what I have come to realize, it has a lot to do with my FOO issues.  Those engrained patterns are hard to recognize and respond to differently than before, as it feels "comfortable". 

My father has N traits, and so did the 3 men who I've had serious relationships in my life - first boyfriend, ex-husband, and the most disordered, my exNPDbf. 

Do you see any behavior patterns that you grew up with compared to your ex?

[yeeter]

Life is a series of lessons.

If you do not learn a particular lesson the first time around, dont worry... .  

You will get that lesson again.


(this was told to me by a friend many years ago, and it stuck in my brain.  Often reminds me to ask myself deliberately if I have really learned the lesson and am I repeating)

[HarmKrakow]

Life is a series of lessons.

If you do not learn a particular lesson the first time around, dont worry... .  

You will get that lesson again.


(this was told to me by a friend many years ago, and it stuck in my brain.  Often reminds me to ask myself deliberately if I have really learned the lesson and am I repeating)

Life might be a lesson, but life has also the 'nature' of showing you  s so you don't walk in every trap life has in store for you.

However, BPD persons have to be one of the worst traps life has in store with us. I therefore find it difficult to agree with the 'life is a series of lessons'. I rather have known everything about BPD before entering a BPD relationship and even more than that, I have my questions whether or not a BPD relationship is a good 'scar' on the life experience of a person. I really have my doubts on that.

[HarmKrakow]

While in the process of detaching from the illness of BPD, do you guys ever have the fear that you let yourself in this mess again?

During the detachment stages/phases, one will inevitably have the question; Why did I allow myself to get in this mess? Why did I let my boundaries go? Why did I allow his/her mental abuse towards me? Why did I allow myself to be placed on a pedestal and feel king/queen of the world? Why did I allow her/his freaky way of communication? Why did I get blinded by this false intensity in the r/s? Why did I not question his/her behavior and for crying out loud, why did I not see all those big  's?

These are all good questions to ask.

I do have some concern over getting into another relationship with someone who has similar qualities to my ex, as what I have come to realize, it has a lot to do with my FOO issues.  Those engrained patterns are hard to recognize and respond to differently than before, as it feels "comfortable". 

My father has N traits, and so did the 3 men who I've had serious relationships in my life - first boyfriend, ex-husband, and the most disordered, my exNPDbf. 

Do you see any behavior patterns that you grew up with compared to your ex?

I do. Both we have shared several setbacks during our youth, however mine were not as deep as hers (little brother died, father cheated on mother, she witnessed, she had major ovary issues when she was younger, nearly died and saw her friends abandon her, her sister tortured her, her parents raised her with the life target that if they die, she should be able to continue from day 1 onwards). I on the other hand have parents who split up when I was 6 years old.

[almost789]

I do fear this harmkrakow. I feel as if I know all the signs to look for now and I really hope I never find another BPD again. I don't have a past history of unstable wierd realtionships at all. In fact all of my relationships have been normal and based on mutual reciprocity. This is one reason why I find the whole BPD thing so tragic and devastating. I've never been decieved in this way before. To actually "fall in love" with someone who later turns out to not be real? Devastating. I think the reason I was decieved was because I believe their feelings ARE real in the begninning and they are not faking. I tested mine several times to make sure he was REAL. And he passed the tests, so I proceeded on with him. Once he had my heart thats when it all started to change. Sure, there were some wierd quirky things in the beginning, but nothing enough to make one say RUN he's mental. But, yes it is scary to think you could be decieved in the very same way again. I hope I am wiser next time and I will have a few new tests to give before they get my heart next time around. I do have more trust issues now than I ever did. I don't know if I'm going to be able to trust so freely again.

[yeeter]

Life might be a lesson, but life has also the 'nature' of showing you  s so you don't walk in every trap life has in store for you.

However, BPD persons have to be one of the worst traps life has in store with us. I therefore find it difficult to agree with the 'life is a series of lessons'. I rather have known everything about BPD before entering a BPD relationship and even more than that, I have my questions whether or not a BPD relationship is a good 'scar' on the life experience of a person. I really have my doubts on that.

Im not suggesting its a healthy thing to jump into a BPD relationship just to 'learn'.  The damage done is huge.  In fact, my advice is to avoid these people at all costs (learning how to recognize the red flag is the key)

But you asked about repeating.  And if there is something about our own self that is prone to repeat the same thing.

I think its very likely, yes!  Unless that is... .  we understand these things about ourselves, and watch for the red flags and ACT on these red flags when they are present.  (the learning of the lesson)

Looking back on how I got into this relationship there were a number of dynamics at play.  There were more than enough flags early on, that I 'should' have paid more attention to.  But I didnt really understand what was going on and didnt have a clue as to the implication.

So that is my lesson.  A tough one, that I pay for for the rest of my life.  But I like to think (delusion perhaps) that I have learned from it and wont repeat it in other ways.  For example, I have a boss that has some very high anxiety traits.  After living the BPD relationship - I dont get sucked into his drama.  I am making different decisions on how to engage and its helped.

If you dont learn how to recognize and make decision based on the red flags, then its just rolling the dice on the outcome.

[HarmKrakow]

I do fear this harmkrakow. I feel as if I know all the signs to look for now and I really hope I never find another BPD again. I don't have a past history of unstable wierd realtionships at all. In fact all of my relationships have been normal and based on mutual reciprocity. This is one reason why I find the whole BPD thing so tragic and devastating. I've never been decieved in this way before. To actually "fall in love" with someone who later turns out to not be real? Devastating. I think the reason I was decieved was because I believe their feelings ARE real in the begninning and they are not faking. I tested mine several times to make sure he was REAL. And he passed the tests, so I proceeded on with him. Once he had my heart thats when it all started to change. Sure, there were some wierd quirky things in the beginning, but nothing enough to make one say RUN he's mental. But, yes it is scary to think you could be decieved in the very same way again. I hope I am wiser next time and I will have a few new tests to give before they get my heart next time around. I do have more trust issues now than I ever did. I don't know if I'm going to be able to trust so freely again.

And on the other hand, the moment you date someone else again, you don't want to give him or her a bad time, purely because of your OWN previous r/s experience.

And yeah, I believe in making sure that when all the external factors are good again, detached of BPD, career, work, education, study, sport, health, sleep rhythm, friends that a healthy r/s will appear around the corner again. The fact some people told me that loads BPDers hang around dating websites and all that is another thing that freaks me out and at least a reason for me not to try that stuff.

[HarmKrakow]

Life might be a lesson, but life has also the 'nature' of showing you  s so you don't walk in every trap life has in store for you.

However, BPD persons have to be one of the worst traps life has in store with us. I therefore find it difficult to agree with the 'life is a series of lessons'. I rather have known everything about BPD before entering a BPD relationship and even more than that, I have my questions whether or not a BPD relationship is a good 'scar' on the life experience of a person. I really have my doubts on that.

Im not suggesting its a healthy thing to jump into a BPD relationship just to 'learn'.  The damage done is huge.  In fact, my advice is to avoid these people at all costs (learning how to recognize the red flag is the key)

But you asked about repeating.  And if there is something about our own self that is prone to repeat the same thing.

I think its very likely, yes!  Unless that is... .  we understand these things about ourselves, and watch for the red flags and ACT on these red flags when they are present.  (the learning of the lesson)

Looking back on how I got into this relationship there were a number of dynamics at play.  There were more than enough flags early on, that I 'should' have paid more attention to.  But I didnt really understand what was going on and didnt have a clue as to the implication.

So that is my lesson.  A tough one, that I pay for for the rest of my life.  But I like to think (delusion perhaps) that I have learned from it and wont repeat it in other ways.  For example, I have a boss that has some very high anxiety traits.  After living the BPD relationship - I dont get sucked into his drama.  I am making different decisions on how to engage and its helped.

If you dont learn how to recognize and make decision based on the red flags, then its just rolling the dice on the outcome.

Fully agree! I've actually written down most 's and already have them so trimmed in my head that i'm sure of atleast 1 thing, I won't forget them  . I'm now fully in the process of detaching myself from my pwBPD and in order to do so, step by step analyzing the mistakes I made, the reasons what led me into this mess, and the opportunities how to get out of this with the smallest scar possible. Where if the chance, a healing scar is preferred.

[Want2know]

Do you see any behavior patterns that you grew up with compared to your ex?

I do. Both we have shared several setbacks during our youth, however mine were not as deep as hers (little brother died, father cheated on mother, she witnessed, she had major ovary issues when she was younger, nearly died and saw her friends abandon her, her sister tortured her, her parents raised her with the life target that if they die, she should be able to continue from day 1 onwards). I on the other hand have parents who split up when I was 6 years old.

I was thinking about this the other day... .  how there was some connection regarding my past and his past that I felt compassion for, and understood, where it lead me to forgive him for his behavior, too readily.  My parents divorced when I was in 6th grade, and I had a dysfunctional upbringing from that point on.  My mother was no longer there to be the mediator, and my dad's behavior took a turn to the extreme.

It was mentioned in another thread recently that in choosing our next partner, it is ok that they may have had a dysfunctional past (as perhaps we did), as long as they have done some work, and show an understanding of themselves, backing it up with healthy behaviors vs. more dysfunction. 

That is the difference between someone with BPD and a 'non' - understanding and the ability to adjust our behaviors in a healthy manner.

[waitaminute]

I can't imagine the intoxicated mental stupor I would have to be in to become attached again to a BPD.

[Tausk]

It's easy to get involved with a BPD again.  Maybe not as "soulmates" but they seek me out still, because I'm a rescuer. 

But I've been doing a quick self-check.  If I ever feel in the "FOG" I ask myself why. 

And the easiest check to see of someone is a BPD, is to figure out if they can apologize.  I came out and asked on coworker if she can do it, and she of course said yes, but can't give a good example of a transgression, all her examples are where it's not really her fault.  Like, I didn't know what I did, but apoligized anyways. 

Simple test.  So, I'm quietly avoided any relationship that might not be professional. 

[almost789]

And yeah, I believe in making sure that when all the external factors are good again, detached of BPD, career, work, education, study, sport, health, sleep rhythm, friends that a healthy r/s will appear around the corner again. The fact some people told me that loads BPDers hang around dating websites and all that is another thing that freaks me out and at least a reason for me not to try that stuff.

So you've heard this too? Sadly, this is where I found my exBPDbf and after that experiend I have to say that I am very sckeptical of using one again. I do know people who have found great friends on dating sites. And people who have found healthy relationships and marriages, so it's not impossible. But, we  should be aware that there is a high number of them on there and so makes the likelyhood of finding another BPD there even higher.

[waitaminute]

I've never been on a dating site. But I'm sure that were I to go to one, under my avatar would be tag that only PDs could see:  "Need rescued? Click here." Even my town's 'bag lady', who talks to no one, stopped me and wanted to talk. Recited some poetry for me too