Can someone please explain how this happens?

[GracieAngel]

The part I am having the worst time with my breakup with BPD is that for two and a half years he swore he loved me and seemed devoted to me. Once hehit that hate stage in our breakup, he was on a dating website within two weeks and has replaced me like I was nothin in 2 and a half months. My head is spinning, my heart is breaking.  Please tell me how this mind works so that I may have peace and start mending.

I only know as much as I have read on this site, but I still cant get my head around how someone goes from loving you to you not existing andymore. Being intimate with someone new? I cant fathom it.

[GustheDog]

Hi,

It's a disorder.  Their view of love is different than ours is, and their perceptions and feelings are not always based on reality.

Within 10 days of my failed marriage proposal (that was previously encouraged by my ex), I saw that she was on OKCupid actively seeking dates.

Keep reading.  It's hard, but it gets better.

[seeking balance]

The part I am having the worst time with my breakup with BPD is that for two and a half years he swore he loved me and seemed devoted to me. Once hehit that hate stage in our breakup, he was on a dating website within two weeks and has replaced me like I was nothin in 2 and a half months. My head is spinning, my heart is breaking.  Please tell me how this mind works so that I may have peace and start mending.

I only know as much as I have read on this site, but I still cant get my head around how someone goes from loving you to you not existing andymore. Being intimate with someone new? I cant fathom it.

It is not logical and it does hurt to be replaced so quickly... .  I know.

Read the articles and lessons - understanding the disorder can help depersonalize some of the actions that hurt so badly right now.

Regarding being with someone else, most folks know to take some time off to get healthy - it's ok not to think about that right now.

Hang in there,

SB

[OTH]

It is how the disorder plays out. It is an attachment disorder. You become the focus of their disordered thoughts. They scape goat you for the failing r/s and seek out a new partner to idealize. They have an unstable sense of self and need others to mirror and take their thoughts off the emptyness they feel inside.

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a103.htm

[tuli]

I'm sorry this happened to you.  That is beyond hurtful. 

He felt great feelings of love, but they were not actually for you.  They were of the perfect you.  They can fall in love immediately with anyone.  They tell themselves how incredible and wonderful you are and they overlook human flaws, and this allows them to idealize so that they can get the ultimate feeling of great love or great care.  Romantic love is one of the few ways that we as people can get complete utter devotion once we are adult.  And the BPD is notorious for taking advantage of this. 

But being in love feelings are not healthy in the long run for anyone.  It's a cool biological way for us to be superglued to a mate so we don't run away as easily when we are in the process of earning the trust of our partner, but the feeling of love a chemically induced euphoria which will fade.  BPDs sort of use it to cheat and get the ultimate good feeling without having to actually develop trust with the other person. 

They cannot trust, nor can they fathom it, so they can't imagine the long and difficult process of letting someone slowly in, building trust day by day, year by year.  How they feel changes day by day.  When the chemicals of in love fade, they don't feel the same.  What is missing is not the love, which they can feel hugely.  What is missing is the maturity, and responsibility and hard work it takes to honor one's promises. 

[LuckyEscapee]

Do they have any better chance of being happy with our replacements, or will it likely all repeat again for them?

[Clearmind]

Do they have any better chance of being happy with our replacements, or will it likely all repeat again for them?

More often than not many members arrive at the forum believing they are to blame. A person who has BPD suffers a great deal of inner turmoil. It's not your fault or anyone's fault - it's a disorder of the personality - no one person can fix it without a great deal of professional help.

Blaming ourselves for not being help is certainly a good place to start our own personal inquiry! Why is it we feel like we failed when it was not ours to fix.

[almost789]

Hi Gracieangel, your question is the exact question i had when mine coldly cut me off and replaced me as well. I knew this was not normal! So i began searching for answers which led me here too. The answer to how they can love you one day and suddenly change is due to a psycological disorder or symptom of their disorder called splitting. Youll also hear people say ... .  i was painted black. There is alot of information about splitting on here and on google. I usually just type in splitting borderline personality and youll find all sorts of articles on it, includding links on here about it. It really takes a very long time to wrap your head around this disorder and it doesnt really make sense, but learning about it helped me not to take it so personally. Its not about you, its just his disorder.

[almost789]

And the moving on  with someone new has to do with their lack of identity. They are incomplete without their mirror, which was you. They just  cant be alone so they quickly must find a replacement. They dont want to suffer alone in their pain like we do, so they quikly replace, the feelings are then burried and they move on. They do this with each and every relationship they have.

[Changed4safety]

My ex is wise enough to realize he shouldn't dive into one-night stands or into a major relationship.  But he insists he "needs" a "companion," so he wants to find a girl who is OK not wanting to have sex and not wanting to be his girlfriend.  ><  he crashed and burned the last time this happened (the girl gave lip service to the idea then was pissed when he actually did what he said he would do and not fall in love with her.  About two months later she landed with his best friend, who dotes on her, and they seem blissfully happy.  I envy her... .  ).  His mistake to learn.  But he simply cannot be alone without anxiety attacks or else obsessing about me constantly (or so he tells me).  I hope at least he is able to stick to his guns about his two "rules", for his own sake.  But... .  not my problem.  But yes, this is inexplicable to us, but comprehensible once we understand the disorder.