One More Time... With Feeling

[Yolo]

Hello there Friends  

I’m new here to the Staying board.  If you would have asked me a few weeks ago if I thought I’d ever be on this particular board I’d think you were seriously smoking something.  Alas, I’d broken up with my possibly uBPDbf/ BfwBPD traits back in September, and had spent 4 months actively trying to detach from that relationship and the craziness of the whole ride.

A few weeks ago, he made contact with me and asked to meet me in person.  For an entire week, me, my friends, and theLeaving  board tossed around possible scenarios about what was going on.  When I met him, he explained that he was glad I did what I did in September because it had forced him to evaluate what it was he really wanted and his role in the dysfunction of that relationship.  He proposed marriage, and indicated he was also open to counselling and working with me actively on our interactions so we could both try to avoid falling back into unhealthy patterns.  

We both understand that we each have our own issues to work on (me definitely with co-dependency). I trust he is all in, no doubt about that.  The focus, intention, and commitment to actively help in making our relationship work and for both of us to be happy and healthy is at a level I didn't really witness consistently during our past reconciliations... .  so this is new to me.

Two weeks after this has happened, it is finally sinking in that he is no longer my exBPDbf…he is my uBPDH2b.  I’m extremely happy with our interactions and relationship so far…though I realize we are in the honeymoon phase and things won’t always be rosey.  I’ve rediscovered my love for him, and reconnecting with him has been effortless (which is somewhat surprising given then effort I put into trying to detach). I feel really great so far. No anxiety... .  and I think some of the things I've learned on this website so far, particularly in regards to my own self torturous co dependent patterns have already been very useful.

This week we’ll start shopping for T’s, and hopefully establish ourselves there before any issues arrive.  I feel very positive at this point.  I know I should be careful about jumping for joy ‘lest I get the rug pulled out from under me.  But I can’t help to feel optimistic about our chances this time around.  It looks like we are taking an entirely different tact this time…I’m excited to see how it turns out.

Just wanted to get back out here and introduce myself to the staying board.  I know I’ll be out here reading the tools and posts from everyone here who are navigating challenging relationships.  Praying I get to make permanent residence on this board  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

Tempting Fate, I commend your bravery & willingness to open yourself again to hope and connection with someone with these challenges.  I really, really hope it plays out in a way that makes you glad you made this choice.  No question that the lessons & approaches taught here will help.

Keep up posted!

P&C

[yeeter]

Welcome Tempting Fate!

Your moniker says it all... .   

We look forward to learning from you and your experiences, as well as sharing our own.

I myself took my divorce right up to the 11th hour before capitulating and putting a renewed effort into myself and staying in the relationship.  A little over a year later and the more time that goes by the more it feels like it was a good decision.

Sounds like you have a plan forward with T.  Going forward, I would consider some of the following to pay particular attention to:

Dont lose your sense of self.  This means keeping continued interaction with Friends and Family.

Maintain your hobbies and interests - something independent of your partner.  (in fact I would be very cautious every time an interdependency is set up - watch this carefully or next thing you know you will be enmeshed again)

Practice the JADE and SET tools.  :)ont try to own his emotions.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries.  Figure out what they are for you.  Live them.


This is a start, and if you can do a good job with these it will help prevent you from digging a big hole to start with.  Things many of us here didnt do well at the time - then you get behind the curve and its that much harder to pull yourself up.

Good luck!  We look forward to seeing you here for a long time.

[Rockylove]

   Happy for you!  Hope things continue moving in a positive direction for you both.

[briefcase]

Welcome. We're glad you're here.  We work on personal growth and development here.  Read the Lessons and start practicing the tools. Ask questions!

[Grey Kitty]

Welcome to staying!

I just want to point out that things can and do get better, especially when you do the right things for yourself!

I was all over this board a while ago, having a terrible time with my uBPDw of 20+ years. I'm still not 100% sure she really has/had BPD, although the stuff I read hear sure sounded familiar (if worse than much I experienced), and the tools here sure helped me a lot! I'm doing much better now, and spend as much time in Taking Personal Inventory as I do here, if not more, and am often otherwise occupied.

But back to the success part of the story. My wife had fits of "depression" as we always called them, and I find that name to be much safer to use than one referring to BPD even today. She would be marginally able to pretend to function normally at work, but unable to do anything at home. And she would always find a way to blame it all on me. After a years where it was slowly getting worse I was starting to wonder if I *was* doing it all wrong, and it really was my fault.

Two weeks ago, she went through another one of those "depressed" periods, about a week long. But things have changed amazingly! This time she knew that what she was feeling was in her own head, wasn't my fault, and didn't try to blame everything on me. It still wasn't my favorite time with her, but the difference was like night (on a pleasant summer evening) and night (in a hurricane)!

So yes there is hope. And let me also confirm. Yes, boundaries work. They aren't easy, but they work!