My Inner Child is Mad

[nolisan]

Dear exBPD

I would like to take the pleasure of introducing a new part on me that you haven’t met: The Loving and Protective Parent of my Inner Child. I should warn you he is pissed off – seething with righteous anger.

I want to start by telling you firmly the you are a bully and a very sick person. You hurt and abused my inner child and took advantage of my recovering, still unaware, adult child. You encouraged and manipulated two dysfunctional parts of me: the critical parent and my inner addict. I was am easy mark for you. You are a dirty rotten scoundrel.

I am going to let my inner child speak:

 You scared me. You were so unpredictable. One minute you were giving me love that I really wanted, the next: you would suddenly abandon me. That made me feel just like my mom and dad made me feel – that I was somehow bad and deserved to be punished. I really didn’t like it when you spoke harshly to me like I wasn’t good enough and that I was stupid. I’m mad at you.

You would tell us that we shouldn’t feel abandoned – that we should just grow up. You never answered us when we asked “Are you punishing us”. It sure felt like it.

My critical parent would take your side – he was helping my inner addict that craved the love and sex. They would say “Shut up Little B – we want you back, we want some more love and sex – get out of our way. These are adult things that you do not understand so be quiet”.

Once in a while I would rebel and make a scene – I had a problem, I was scared, I needed some attention. Sometimes it worked and you would come to the rescue and help and comfort us. More often you would say “You are making a fuss right at a important time for me. You always do that”. Then you would abandon us again to punish us.

Then my inner love and sex addict would try to get you back. He would write notes saying we would grow up and not behave childishly. He would offer to help you with your mortgage when we couldn’t afford it. I couldn’t understand why you couldn’t take care of yourself – you are an adult. I got really scared when you wanted us to sell our house, buy yours and move in with you. I like our house – my Dad worked hard to get it and fix it up. I love the garden – I like to play in it and watch the birds. I like the good food we grow. I don’t like your house – it is dark and small – I don’t feel safe there – there is no place to hide when you get mad.

And your dog – I didn’t like her. She was crazy and mean. She would bite my friends, And she really scared my cats just like you scared me.

But my critical parent and addict would tell me that my fears were not important – that I should just be quiet – while they spent our money on you, spent all our time with you or thinking about you, started to prepare to move in with you, and ignored how our cats felt. I am just as mad at them as  I am with you. Maybe even madder.

I am sure glad my new loving Dad finally stood up and told you. Get the (maybe I shouldn’t say this word) F... .  Out. I am so proud of him – he’s a good dad.