mixed signals make me scratch my head

[cal644]

The other day I received a text from my UBPD soon to be ex.  The text read how I deserve so much better, a woman who can truely love me and give me what I deserve, and she truely hopes that I will find happiness and the woman who can give me the love I am looking for.  I replied I loved and cared for you and I was happy.  The very next text she sent was basically how I was already sleeping and dating all these other women (total lie, not even going to date, or even start talking to other women until the divorce is final). That way I can finalize our divorce knowing I always kept my marriage vows.  Why the mixed message I want you to be happy/your already sleeping with someone new.

[freshlySane]

The other day I received a text from my UBPD soon to be ex.  The text read how I deserve so much better, a woman who can truely love me and give me what I deserve, and she truely hopes that I will find happiness and the woman who can give me the love I am looking for.  I replied I loved and cared for you and I was happy.  The very next text she sent was basically how I was already sleeping and dating all these other women (total lie, not even going to date, or even start talking to other women until the divorce is final). That way I can finalize our divorce knowing I always kept my marriage vows.  Why the mixed message I want you to be happy/your already sleeping with someone new.

her disorderd thinking first text is her self doubt resentment pain that she casues you

second text is her fears and maybe imho her defense mechanism

cant predict her no one can not even her

she wants to be happy and on some level knows she isnt good for you but she cant honestly feel that she isnt good period so she has to say your already moving on

its just confusing

all in all she just not happy with any outcome and is triyng to come to terms with the inpending divorce

[freshlySane]

when she says your with someone else sleeping around its like saying you love me and care for me how can you i dont think im worth it so you must be lying you know what your already with other woman yeah because thats what id do i wouldve moved on

[asher2]

Cal... .  I can relate to your experience you described. When we broke up she proceeded to tell me about the type of person I needed to be with (obviously she thought it wasn't her). At the time, I still wanted to be with her and told het that... .  she was the one I wanted to be with! She told me the same thing as you - she wasn't the person that could make me happy. I was totally confused. On top of that, she said that I was the only person who can make her "so happy" and "so miserable." That was a really hard thing for me hear; that I made her miserable and I no idea what I was doing to make her feel that way.

Looking back, I really think she was in survival mode. She had things made up in her head that wernt true and it was too much for her. Plus, she had moved on to her replacement within days and I found out about it. I think she was feeling shame and was trying to come up with a way to spin her actions. In my case, she was totally lost at that moment in time. It was a mix of survival mode, shame and fear.

Ive been there, my friend! it's not fun, it hurts and is confusing. The more you can accept that she is mentally ill, the more it can make sense in your mind.

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Cal644,



I received a similiar email from the ex.  Since he lacks a 'self' and isn't capable of self reflection, what the note represented was what he thought a perfect person would say.  Always working on his false self, and trying to hide the fakeness of it all.

You didn't follow script,  you didn't respond as expected so she went with ad lib as best she could without having a script to follow.  It's a disordered mind with disordered thought processes.  When the script is not followed, it's yellow alert tangent to deflect from anyone seeing the truth.  There is no self only an empty shell.  It works, doesn't it?  It gets you defensive and wanting to focus on this allegation.  It's a very bad coping mechanism, but it's well formed and core.

[cal644]

Thank you for your posts, it makes me realize I'm not the only one.  A couple of other things I may want to add to see if you have ever had this happen too... .  Throughout our whole marriage she has told me that she knows I'm just her fill-in wife until my real wife comes... .  She has told me numerous times over the years what she can picture (yes she can actually visualize this real wife in her head)... .  she says she's blond, georgeous, has an outgoing personality like me... .  what type of person can actually visualize another wife for me in her head? (she says she can literally see her)... .  I've never wanted another wife - but eveidentally she knows who I belong with

[seeking balance]

The other day I received a text from my UBPD soon to be ex.  The text read how I deserve so much better, a woman who can truely love me and give me what I deserve, and she truely hopes that I will find happiness and the woman who can give me the love I am looking for. 

options of thought may be:

- she really did mean this in the moment she sent it.

- she is already triggered and looking for you to fill an empty place, being nice to you will yield nice results in return (at least in the past it did).

I replied I loved and cared for you and I was happy. 

she may have heard, "I am happy without you" or "you are the problem"

she is triggered, divorce pushes the abandonment button more than anything.  If you are going to respond, simply validate - "thank you, that is kind"

The very next text she sent was basically how I was already sleeping and dating all these other women (total lie, not even going to date, or even start talking to other women until the divorce is final). That way I can finalize our divorce knowing I always kept my marriage vows.  Why the mixed message I want you to be happy/your already sleeping with someone new.

she is triggered and hurt - that simple. 

This extreme emotions is a common attribute of the disorder.  It is not personal to you.

[cal644]

That helps me understand - but it's still hard to not take things personally... .  after all the love I thought we had over the years - even now I received a text how she is scared to death of me... .  I responded - have I ever once even raised a hand to you or yelled at you - why are you scared of me?  She did not respond.  When I did find out about her affair she was begging me over and over - please hit me just hit me.  I have never in my life been physical with anyone let alone the person I loved - where have these thoughts of me being scary and begging me to hit her come from?

[seeking balance]

That helps me understand - but it's still hard to not take things personally... .  after all the love I thought we had over the years -

yes, I know that feeling well.  We love them, it is confusing... .  but it is a mental illness and we are the trigger.

even now I received a text how she is scared to death of me... .  I responded - have I ever once even raised a hand to you or yelled at you - why are you scared of me?  She did not respond. 

if you are going to respond, please use the tools from the staying board.  Since you are here, you believe she is BPD, mentally ill - with that knowledge, you can use tools to not make things worse.

Better yet, simply don't respond.  If you are divorcing this is what you attorney will say.  It is not uncommon for this kind of twisted approach to end with a restaining order against you.  Logical, no - but it happens.

When I did find out about her affair she was begging me over and over - please hit me just hit me.  I have never in my life been physical with anyone let alone the person I loved - where have these thoughts of me being scary and begging me to hit her come from?

It is her own shame - and you cannot change her feelings of shame.

You will have to learn to balance your own emotions on your own, not based on any communication with her.  This is the hardest part about gaining closure in these relationships.

Hang in there - keep reading the lessons and articles even more than posts right now so you can learn the facts.

Peace,

SB

[cal644]

The information about the restraining order is interesting.  The other day she started a big texting fight and that night I received a big appology from her and the things she said.  Two days latter I get a notice from her attorney that I was harrising her with calls and texts (floored me - she just apologized for her actions then blames me)... .  which I had never called her - and we only got into two texting arguments in the last month (both of which she started) ... .  so now when she tries to send a text I lock it in my phone and just reply - remember no contact.

[seeking balance]

so now when she tries to send a text I lock it in my phone and just reply - remember no contact.

actions speak louder than words - no reason to reply at all unless it is a tactical question.  honestly, you are better off not responding at all as ANYTHING you may say can and will be used against you later.

[cal644]

I agree it has been used against me - in a distorted version.  The things she remembers or imagines are always totally a alternative version of what actually happened

[myself]

Texts, calls, conversations, and emails here like that. Her sincerity at any given moment may well be real, but in the long run, did not add up to her being able to help us have a healthy enough relationship to continue. At a certain point, I feel like I was 'scratching my head' so much at her push/pull behaviors it became like an open wound. One that went down to the core. Then the  turned on and I began to heal. Focusing on what's best for You is what's best for you. Anyone who can meet us on a similar level, remaining consistent enough while reciprocating, may be welcome to be there, too.

[cal644]

The push pull is what hurts the worst... .  a text that's loving... .  followed by i didn't mean anything by that I don't want to be married to you, or be a friend, or have sex or anything... .  then the next text is love then hate... .  She did tell me how can I love you if I don't love myself.  An interesting fact that I just heard from my dad ... .  my brother who passed away 1 1/2 years ago told him about 5 years ago that my wife and I didn't have a marriage... .  he was a police detective so was very observant on all things... .  but he said I always gave her a ton of intimacy, but she never returned any... .  how could I have been so blind... .  I guess love is blind

[freshlySane]

Thin line between love and hate

[freshlySane]

this might help a little got this from a psych website this is just a theory

From an emotional staNPDoint they need to be validated and eradicate their unworthiness.

From a chemical staNPDoint they need the seratonin boost from the honeymoon stage.

The theory goes that there is a chemical issue where most people have the honeymoon stage the serotonin level decrease after that stage and in non-BPDs those chemicals are replaced by bonding chemicals oxytocin which creates the attachment. However in BPD the oxytocin chemicals don't work like they should and the BPD doesn't feel right, comfortable, anxious, fearful etc. so they go back to the chemicals they like which we all like and redo the honeymoon stage. That's why reconciliations tend to last shorter and shorter because the high from serotonin is less and less and the move into the oxytocin phase is much quicker due to the familiarity of the two people.

[cal644]

Very interesting... .  so in a way it's like a drug to them... .  I wonder if that's why No contact seems to drive her crazy after so long... .  because it's like a drug to her... .  then she has to contact me to get her quick fix... .  then she pushes away once she gets it

[freshlySane]

yeah i think so like they say when its good its good and when its bad its bad