Was your BPDex living a "fake" lifestyle with you?

[Dave44]

I suppose this thread would only apply to people who had short relationships with their BPDex as I can't see a BPD keeping this behaviour up for an extended period of time. I'm wondering if anyone once they got out of the relationship (or maybe while still in it) started to reflect and realize the lifestyle their partner displayed to them while with them wasn't really the "real" lifestyle the BPD lived? They never really liked those things, never really were interested in those things etc etc. For me this was quite prevelant, and started to come to light a bit even during out short but VERY intense relationship. For example, eating dinners at the dinner table as a family. Over time I started to realize that wasn't the norm and never happened before. It was always that the kids ate on the couch watching TV while mom had what ever the kids didnt eat or just something simple and quick. Never a true dinner at the table setting. Or, amazingly liking all the same TV shows as me... .  what a coincidence! I would later find out she never watched those shows. Another example was her being a total home body in general, non drinker, TOTAL non social type. This was exactly me and I was so happy to find someone similar! However I've since found out her ex before me made his living in a band! Out 3-4 nights a week doing gigs in town. Of course she would always be at the bar/pub/venue with him!

For me this was one of the hardest things for me to come to grips with, and one of the things that's made it so difficult to let her go. To have found someone who was SO similar in every aspect of my life was exhilarating. Then, to start realizing bit by bit that it really was all one big lie. The whole relationship, for lack of a better term was, well... .  fake. That's been a hard pill to swallow. Essentially I was fooled in the biggest way, pressured to move in only to be dumped and cut out of her life just over a month later. Why though? I mean what was the point? Why would she bring a guy into her and her kids life knowing the whole thing was just a facade? Does this go back to them just simply not having a clue to who they are? That rings very true to my ex. Looking back, outside of her being a mom she had absolutely NO interests let alone hobbies and im not exaturating... .  I mean nothing. Not one single thing or even friend that she took an interest in. I wish I could ask her now... .  outside of being a mom, who are you?

[trouble11]

Yup.  I was raising German Shepherds in AZ and mine was a k9 handler for the county I now live in at the start of our r/s.  Told me he loved GSDs and we planned to raise and train them together.  It wasn't hard to believe as he was a K9 handler.  Turns out he's really a cat guy.  When he finally moved in he couldn't have cared less about the dogs.  Some of which I spent BIG money on to get our project started.  Also has zero friends.  The only interest or hobby he has is golf.  Bought my replacement a full set of clubs for Christmas after knowing her 3 weeks.  Told me he was interested in flying, as I am a pilot, when I brought the plane up here he picked me up at the airport and didn't even look at it. It is hard to come to grips with.  Especially after turning my life upside down only to find out it was all an illusion.

[waitaminute]

I must have ordered a Pepsi at the first several times we ate out. When she picked up a Pepsi from the cafeteria line after those early meals and I picked up a coke, she actually got angry. She said "I got a Pepsi because it is what YOU drink".

Same thing with cream in coffee and sugar in tea... .  which really confused things because I am not a creature of habit and learned to like her initial preference better than my own. In other words, I have my own natural mirroring behavior that is rooted in adaptability and acceptance of change.

Whatever the BPD's motivation for mirroring, it must have confused her alot.

[beachgirl009]

Oh yes, we liked the same restaurants, music, and shows.  It was great.  We were similiar in the amount we wanted to go be social.  Since I broke up with him he has started dating a hipster chick.  He is now dressing like a hipster and listening to a whole new genre of music.  When people tell me about what he has going on or I see a pic, I just get sad because he doesn't know who he is and I obviously didn't know the true him. :/ 

[Winglessfallen]

Mine told me she liked to take the back path and the roads people don't go down, eventually started complaining every time I did so.  Told me that she always loved and wanted to live in an old victorian and fix it up, then said she needs to live in a new house because of allergies, and that she doesn't want to put the work into renovations.  Always wanted to garden and live off the land, because it was her life long dream, but said she didn't want to put in the work or figure out what to do when I tried to get her to start.  Said she believed in a very loose free environment for her kids to grow up in and become themselves, but has ridiculously restrictive rules and gives them a hard time for the things that they like, plus is adamant about reading the bible to them, them going to bible study at their school, putting their focus through the eyes of a Fundamentalist Christian set of values.  Said she was really laid back, and is incredibly uptight.  Said she was a dreamer and creative and is so restricted by rules and what has to be a certain way that she mocks almost anything that is out of the box.  Said she liked to do creative activities with her kids, and complains and nags them the two times a year they do, and when any effort other than slabbing icing on a cake is involved for a birthday party, its too much work for something getting eaten and is pointless.  Said she loved photography and always envisioned making a business out of it, now she doesn't want to do it very often and only does it as a personal hobby.

I think its partially them not knowing who they are, and partially them needing love so much that they change themselves to get it.  We all do that, I watched entire seasons of shows with her that I thought we alright, but wasn't totally into, and made it seem a little more than just ok to me.  Everyone leans a little with the wind at first.  I just think they bend over completely for fear of being rejected.

[almost789]

Yes that was true for me too. And mine also seemed to be hesitant in even sharing the things he did do, eat, like, watch. If asked he would be hesitant, unsure of himself and seemed afraid to say. Maybe for fear of rejection if I didn't like it? I don't know. But I have heard that they think if you have differences of opinions this is another reason why they sometimes "split" because they automatically assume if you don't like something they like you will not like them and vice versa.

[Changed4safety]

Oddly, mine was the opposite.  When we met we already had a lot in common, but he always wanted me to like the things he liked, it was rare that I would introduce him to something he'd enjoy (and when he did, it now becomes "his" thing).  He did this with his ex before me--introduced her to movies, shows or music--then turned me on to them--doubtless doing the same to the new one.  Though once again, he met her through an environment where they already had a lot in common. 

[seeking balance]

Children learn early on that if you mirror someone they tend to be nice and a bond is created.

Mine went from being a 6 year vegetarian to eating steak in only a year.  Her mother was shocked... .  

Keep in mind, it is not fake to them - it is part of the unstable sense of self criteria.  This thread is a great example of what it looks like to have an unstable sense of self.

[GustheDog]

Oh yes - I thought we just shared the same preferences and views, but really she was mirroring and molding herself to conform to my lifestyle.  Later I was told that all these things did not represent "who she is" and I was accused of controlling and manipulating her.

She also triangulated me with some new, platonic friends (if there was a romantic interest, I wasn't aware), during the hater phase when she was ignoring me and hanging up on me.  It was startling and disturbing to observe her start mirroring new people and see how drastically her personality changed over an extremely short period of time - her interests, hobbies, manner of speech, and even the sound of her voice.  I had no idea what I was witnessing at the time, but it makes so much sense now.

So, absolutely, she was living a "fake" lifestyle with me - but I don't think this should be taken to imply that there was a "real" one she secretly wanted to be living buried inside somewhere.  She is only who she mirrors, until she mirrors someone else.

[freshlySane]

quick story i use to play World of Warcraft i know i am a big nerd she heard me talking about it and bought the game to play with me i was floored i never had a SO who played games with me. lets say it triggered her like crazy i didn't play enough when i played i was never around shed come to the area i was in the game she even wanted to marry me in the game. we argued over the game constantly if i didn't play with her i didn't love her it was crazy i thought she was this cool gamer chick she did have video gamer she was mirroring me and some point she adapt it to her persona. it was false but to her she made it a part of her persona 

[Changed4safety]

We actually met through World of Warcraft,  I know of at least three couples who are happily married through meeting through that game.  Alas, I was not to be one of them. 

[freshlySane]

We actually met through World of Warcraft,  I know of at least three couples who are happily married through meeting through that game.  Alas, I was not to be one of them. 

hurtful part she met her new guy in diablo 3 it makes me so mad because i stalked that game for years i went and bought it she say it on the counter and was instantly offended "why didn't you get one for me"

I left immediately went to game stop and bought her a copy once again she made the experience horrible why do you run away form me, even in the game you don't want to be with me. i stopped playing she ruined the experience again. then she plays alone and mets her new guy on Diablo 3 just plan hurts

[tailspin]

Dave,

My expBPD saw me as an extension of himself.  He would dysregulate if my words/actions went contrary to what he "expected" to happen and his passive/aggressive behavior would kick in.  To prevent this, I became "predictable" but then he would complain that I was "boring" and would distance himself anyway.  It was a No Win situation for me no matter what I did.  

The lifestyle my ex lived was fake and I enabled him to continue living it by refusing to set and enforce my own boundaries.  But my lifestyle was also fake because I didn't stay true to myself.  We triggered each other and neither one of us was healthy.  Why would a "no win" situation be good enough?  Eventually it wasn't.  

tailspin

[findingmyselfagain]

The borderline pathology is very confusing. That's probably one reason it takes so long to accept for some. Our brains naturally want to make sense out of things. I know I was just shocked at how things ended so abruptly. One of her former co-workers told me that it still puzzles her even 2 years later why my ex backed out at the last second. She was always talking about how fantastic I was.

But, what was "fake" about her? It's hard to say that there was anything that was truly real or stable. Like SB says, they are defined by an unstable sense of self. She likes horses. But, she came off as the sweetest, sexiest girl you could imagine. Once I was de-valued she was colder than ice, and has cut me off completely though I was her baby's "daddy" while we were planning a future. It makes ZERO sense. Her appearance changed a lot, and she often regressed like a child. All red flags! Now I know a lot better. I'm not going after someone who has more baggage than me, or giving someone"a chance." It's scary even for me to tread new paths, so I can only imagine what it must be like for a pwBPD to face themselves and try to change.

[freshlySane]

My pwBPDex told me when we broke up trough the first cycle that she was a pathological liar i hear that a lot are liar's so if they can lie and be okay with it to protect there shelves then subconsciously they lie to adapt this is just from my experience though

[Dave44]

Very interesting stuff to hear. It's amazing how chameleon like these people are. When my BPDex abruptly ended it and cut me out of her life I desperately tried to make things right and change her mind. During one of these conversations I can remember her saying "no, sorry but life is much less stressful now". I remember thinking... .  less stressful? How is that possible, just a few days ago you wanted to marry me? However now, looking back I can see how it probably was stressful for her. I can't imagine "faking it" in a relationship for that long. Pretending to be someone not. She probably was less stressed!

[KellyO]

This did not happen with me, I was expected to like what he likes... .  but when I later cathered clues about him and his exGf, I realized he had been "me", and he had bent himself backwards to be whatever his ex wanted him to be. They broke up after 6 years, and so in his twisted mind he sees bending backwards does not give him everlasting relationship (I know it is what he seeks). So, with me, he tried to make me to do the bending. I noticed in the very beginning he got really angry when I had a different opinion, he did not like me having opinions at all, it was "negative". I bet in his new relationship he is bending again, because making me bend did not give him what he wanted either 

Bizarre thing is: two weeks and my words came out of his mouth as his own. Later I could see him sucking my words (if I said something he seem to find interesting or intelligent), and two weeks, BUM, they were his thoughts. I could hear my words coming from him exactly like I had said them, but now it was his idea and his knowledge. It was so... .  I don't know, I sort of realized he can't be trusted.

[HarmKrakow]

Very interesting stuff to hear. It's amazing how chameleon like these people are. When my BPDex abruptly ended it and cut me out of her life I desperately tried to make things right and change her mind. During one of these conversations I can remember her saying "no, sorry but life is much less stressful now". I remember thinking... .  less stressful? How is that possible, just a few days ago you wanted to marry me? However now, looking back I can see how it probably was stressful for her. I can't imagine "faking it" in a relationship for that long. Pretending to be someone not. She probably was less stressed!

Same here, my gf w BPD mirrored everything I was doing, to the most simple example given her in the topic about a pepsi or a coke regular. They did what I did, because I did it.

The very moment(!) it went mayhem between the two of us she dropped all the things I liked and all out of a sudden started doing/liking other things...

[Robbz]

Man I so wish I could go back and test this theory out more for research purposes! Like finding the most random hobby and seeing if she would copy it. Or find the most boring show on tv and see if she started watching it. If anyone recycles please try this! I laugh because I have no doubt what so ever mine would have mirrored anything I did. Anything.

[HarmKrakow]

Man I so wish I could go back and test this theory out more for research purposes! Like finding the most random hobby and seeing if she would copy it. Or find the most boring show on tv and see if she started watching it. If anyone recycles please try this! I laugh because I have no doubt what so ever mine would have mirrored anything I did. Anything.

I did that with 1 hobby. I gave her a sudoku booklet once telling her im addicted doing so and I really like to do it when im at my parents place or in the train. She started to do this like crazy when I gave her her first sudoku booklets. She filled in dozens of them and started to enjoy it  

... thing is ... i didnt like sudoku

[id-crisis]

   mine never liked me to have an opinion on anything either but strangely would repeat things I had said or wondered about out loud, a few weeks later.

He was very sensitive to people "stealing his essence", it took me a while to figure out what the hell he meant but when I did figure it out, I thought if anyone was an essence thief, it was him!  I wonder if he was aware of it, and sometimes think he must have been otherwise why would he have even dreamt up such a theory to start with  

On one occasion, whilst we were going through a push phase, I sent him a poem which perfectly reflected my feelings about the whole thing and which I was incapable of putting into such powerful words for myself (poem thief, haha)  ... .  and a few months later he sent it to his mother and it apparently reduced her to tears though she rarely if ever cries. It was a magnificent poem BUT, he had sent it to her to illustrate the feelings HE was experiencing ... .  no mention of the fact that I had sent it to him in the first place, while he was being a vindictive, malignant, spiteful pig    

He was very possessive over his music too, I was NEVER allowed to choose what to play, the only occasion on which I did choose a track, I ended up with a black eye. It was as though he didn't want me to express anything about my true self or my opinions or my taste or just my philosophy and beliefs and values or past experiences full-stop. He didn't want ME to have an identity. Strange. He feared me having a personality  

He completely identified with his music most of all, I think he truly believed his choice of music defined him in a big way and I must say he had very good taste imo, but he would never copy a track to cd for me, and always find an excuse not to. Kind of weird considering musicians make music specifically for it to be enjoyed by the largest audience possible... .  but he regarded it as a part of him - and claimed that giving me a copy of the odd track, would be letting me "thieve his essence" or would plain outright accuse me of trying to steal his essence! What?  The music he listens to is the COMPOSER'S creation, the COMPOSER'S "essence"?



ugh, so much about him did not make sense to me.

[KellyO]

It was as though he didn't want me to express anything about my true self or my opinions or my taste or just my philosophy and beliefs and values or past experiences full-stop. He didn't want ME to have an identity. Strange. He feared me having a personality  huh

Have you read Controlling People by Patricia Evans? I recommend.

[Changed4safety]

ID-crisis, that all sounds so familiar... .  

[freshlySane]

my ex now is all about the Marines and Spartans and warriors because her new guy is a Marine and how she plays all these games like battlefield and call of duty that she never played before

[id-crisis]

It was as though he didn't want me to express anything about my true self or my opinions or my taste or just my philosophy and beliefs and values or past experiences full-stop. He didn't want ME to have an identity. Strange. He feared me having a personality  huh

Have you read Controlling People by Patricia Evans? I recommend.

Ta-hol, I am getting help now with counselling and slowly but surely learning my lessons and have been reading some very good books, I will definitely look up the one you recommend, thank you 

[id-crisis]

ID-crisis, that all sounds so familiar... .  

Hi Changed4safety 

I hope you are getting support too? I have spent so many hours reading on this forum, it has literally been my lifeline but recently finding someone to actually talk to in person and who knows and understands what these damaging relationships can do has helped me tremendously ... .   

[Changed4safety]

ID-crisis, thank you for your concern. 

Yes, I am in therapy with someone who specializes in BPD, have had individual therapy and couples therapy with the ex for many years. Soo much money sunk into that... .  I am now at a point where I feel OK seeing my therapist every two weeks (see him today in fact) and hopefully can start stretching it out longer.  Was in the relationship for four and a half years, just got out in December.  Trying to maintain a LC friendship. 

[SarahinMA]

I think their mirroring is what makes it so difficult for us to get over.  I thought my ex was my soul mate!  We liked all the same things: same hobbies, same sports, same movies.  He downloaded albums I liked and we loved all the same restaurants.  It was just so easy and it felt like he was the one I had waiting for my whole life.  I should have taken notice when his friends kept telling me that he was so different when he dated me and how they couldn't even believe he had a girlfriend, because he was such an A-hole.  Now, I understand it. 

[Traye]

I don't know what to think anymore.  I realize that this person whom I deeply loved is really someone I don't even know. That's my struggle now... .  deciphering what was real and what was fake.  A month ago I would have said my uBPDgf would NEVER lie to me.  Never. Now I'm wondering if our entire 3 year relationship was a web of lies.  It's tough to get your head around that.  How do you get closure?  I feel like I'm going to have this gaping open wound forever.

[freshlySane]

I don't know what to think anymore.  I realize that this person whom I deeply loved is really someone I don't even know. That's my struggle now... .  deciphering what was real and what was fake.  A month ago I would have said my uBPDgf would NEVER lie to me.  Never. Now I'm wondering if our entire 3 year relationship was a web of lies.  It's tough to get your head around that.  How do you get closure?  I feel like I'm going to have this gaping open wound forever.

closure is looking within yourself and realizing why you loved this person

why you allowed their behavior for 3 years

once you come to terms with you you will heal and their actions will look more insane then ever. Do not blame yourself or them(I know it may be hard) because its not easy getting over a fantasy but once you reach your reality. You'll be happier then you was before.

Be a friend to yourself love you and you will find a real love that honors and cherishes you.

you'll find your own closure they can not and are not able to provide closure but that's okay because they cant give themselves a real sense of reality either not unless they fix themselves.


You will not have a gaping wound forever. This is a wound that will heal with you tending to it not just time.

So fix you