12 months NC and I look back at a year made up mostly of disbelief
I am not sure we really appreciate the abuse we have experienced until we are well out the other side
I look back now and feel I never really believed it was BPD for most of the past year. Because my ex was undiagnosed and because I am quick to be accountable and take responsibility for things, I feel I perhaps took too much on myself.
Only upon going back to basic workshops and threads, such as 'What is BPD?' do you see the checklist for what it is.
I am not sure whether I was stuck in bargaining or self-blame for some of the defensive strategies I deployed as I countered the barrage of abuse I encountered, but I never saw the illness for what it truly was.
When all is said and done, someone who adored me in September was completely gone by December... . and that is as uncommon and unhealthy as it was unexpected and unbelievable.
But we do need to believe it. We do need to dig deep and soothe our fractured egos, learn the lesson (why we chose this person and stayed), and heal.
Lack of official diagnosis does impede the healing process, I believe. As nons / CoDas/ Empaths we get stuck in "understanding" and fixing.
It is only when we believe the illness as fact that a level of authenticity or authority or official-ness enters the frame and speeds up the healing
Only when this belief, this level of certainty, is established can we depersonalise the awful things that were said and done to us.
Only then can we forgive ourselves, forgive them - and let go
BB12
Believe it!
