Was i worng

[freshlySane]

In the heat of an argument i told my pwBPDex Who the "France" would want to be with her with the way she treated me. I read a thread earlier today that said that i was playing the victim like "look at what i do for you and this what i get in return" and yes i was 100% the victim from a star gate  rescuer to victim but was i wrong in saying this did i mess up the r/s by saying this or was i wrong fr rstanding up for myself in that way.

[Rose Tiger]

What you said made absolute sense and was well grounded.  The problem is, it does not compute on their end.  It's not wrong to say how you felt and for standing up for yourself, it's just kind of wasted breath on the BPD partner.  They won't play the persecuter corner in the karpmen triangle, only victim or rescuer. Our challenge is to stop playing any corner and remain in the center, refusing to play any of the roles.  I told the ex that I felt unsafe around him, he did the snarky reply of well don't be around me then.  I said, I won't, it isn't safe for me.

He probably thought that made no sense but it did feel good to finally break the pattern of consoling him after a snarky comment. 

[freshlySane]

What you said made absolute sense and was well grounded.  The problem is, it does not compute on their end.  It's not wrong to say how you felt and for standing up for yourself, it's just kind of wasted breath on the BPD partner.  They won't play the persecuter corner in the karpmen triangle, only victim or rescuer. Our challenge is to stop playing any corner and remain in the center, refusing to play any of the roles.  I told the ex that I felt unsafe around him, he did the snarky reply of well don't be around me then.  I said, I won't, it isn't safe for me.


He probably thought that made no sense but it did feel good to finally break the pattern of consoling him after a snarky comment. 

I am realizing i have a problem with abandonment myself and i let people erode my boundaries, which is what happened here. My family and friends said i did the right thing but she started to look for and found a new guy. She told me on countless occasions i will find someone who wants to be with me. 

This guy  seems good with boundaries with her as what she told me and i see her happy now by her countless online statements she's told me he is encouraging and he accepts her and really want to be there for her  but i feel i messed up by engaging her in being just as emotionally responsive as she was .Before i felt shame for saying it because i lost her but now i am more ashamed for me stooping down to that level.

[turtle]

In the heat of an argument i told my pwBPDex Who the "France" would want to be with her with the way she treated me. I read a thread earlier today that said that i was playing the victim like "look at what i do for you and this what i get in return" and yes i was 100% the victim from a star gate  rescuer to victim but was i wrong in saying this did i mess up the r/s by saying this or was i wrong fr rstanding up for myself in that way.

The relationship had to be damaged already if you felt you needed to make this comment to her.

And... .  your comment is truth.  It is YOUR truth and the more accurate statement would have been:  I don't want to be in a relationship with you because I don't deserve to be treated so poorly.

She told me on countless occasions i will find someone who wants to be with me.  

And she will.  It's hard to accept that her finding someone has nothing to do with you.  It doesn't have a thing to do with you.

This guy  seems good with boundaries with her as what she told me and i see her happy now by her countless online statements she's told me he is encouraging and he accepts her and really want to be there for her  

Let's just pretend this is true.  Remember the word "pretend."  If he is all of these things to her, wouldn't that be great for her?  Wouldn't you want that for her?

Okay... .  "pretend" is over.  She didn't jump from an unhealthy relationship with you into a magically healthy relationship with someone else.  Of course she's singing his praises to you and making sure you know he's supposedly everything you weren't.  I would bet everything in my wallet that none of this is true.  

Before i felt shame for saying it because i lost her but now i am more ashamed for me stooping down to that level.

As we progress, it's common to feel shame about our part in the whole mess.  It's okay freshlysane.  As you know better... .  you DO better.  Forgiveness of ourselves is just as important as forgiving them.

turtle

[freshlySane]

A lot of people tell me she said she will find someone to be with her and the fact that she throws it in my face because she needs to prove to me and mainly herself that she is lovable and that she is desirable of being loved and wanted by another person.

I am actually happy i am learning my mistakes in the relationship it hurt like hell but now i know i can change my codependency and become a better me "Even in the darkest of the most negative situations positive light shines through" my own quote feel free to use it

[cal644]

I made the mistake of telling my wife once that I didn't know if she loved me - I don't know if you have ever loved me. 19 years married - to be honest I have felt that way my whole life with her.  I came from a very loving and caring family - needless to say she didn't.  Looking back I think she did love me as much as she could, but she never has known what true love is from anyone but me and my family.  I think it was that comment when she turned me 100% black. I wish I would have had this site before, to understand her actions and lack of affection for me.  Needless to say from every argument she would start after that and when she left it was always brought up that she could never give me the love I deserved or needed - that's why she left a loving husband and her family for some loser.  She told me that statement destroyed her.  It was in the heat of being belittled again and yelled at for the littlest things like breathing wrong so t already was)

[turtle]

A lot of people tell me she said she will find someone to be with her and the fact that she throws it in my face because she needs to prove to me and mainly herself that she is lovable and that she is desirable of being loved and wanted by another person.

ANYONE can "find someone" to be with them.  Being healthy enough to sustain a HEALTHY relationship goes way beyond "finding someone."  And that goes for ALL of us!  

"Even in the darkest of most negative situations positive light shines through"

Good for you freshlysane!

turtle

[freshlySane]

I made the mistake of telling my wife once that I didn't know if she loved me - I don't know if you have ever loved me. 19 years married - to be honest I have felt that way my whole life with her.  I came from a very loving and caring family - needless to say she didn't.  Looking back I think she did love me as much as she could, but she never has known what true love is from anyone but me and my family.  I think it was that comment when she turned me 100% black. I wish I would have had this site before, to understand her actions and lack of affection for me.  Needless to say from every argument she would start after that and when she left it was always brought up that she could never give me the love I deserved or needed - that's why she left a loving husband and her family for some loser.  She told me that statement destroyed her.  It was in the heat of being belittled again and yelled at for the littlest things like breathing wrong so t already was)

yeah its a scary hurtful thing we reacted to there disorder and not them... .  i am still in the throws of pain and regret but  i have hope it will get better for you and I. who knows what those words will do to them in time will it send them deeper into there defense mechanism or will it be a catalyze to start a deeper journey into recovery for them we do not know I have to fight my fears and move on if she comes back maybe i can be the guy for her but i know now she has to be the women for herself the way i am trying to become the man that i respect and love so that i can find a real love that respects me

[In Pieces]

I said some incredibly vile and hurtful things to my BPDex when our relationship crumbled.  I felt that I had done so much for her and I was eventually dismissed like a piece of trash out of nowhere.  While trying to repair the relationship I discovered that she had started seeing another guy, while I was continuing to be loving, caring and supporting of her.  I loved her and told myself I would not abandon her.  Upon finding out she was sleeping with someone else, I sent a couple berating emails calling her a sociopath, slut, liar, evil, etc.  I feel so ashamed because that is not who I am.  The hurt and pain just overwhelmed me.  I didn't threaten her or anything remotely like that, but she immediately contacted the police for a no-contact order.  That was another knife in my heart, as I had never displayed such behavior before in our two year relationship and was always nothing but kind to her.

[KellyO]

I have said much worse things to my ex. Much worse. What I learned about that was: if I said something, in his mind it nullyfies anything he has said before m , and I just gave him new weapons against me. If he tortured me for a weekend, and I said in a text message on Monday "to h-ll with you, I don't want to see you ever", he was now pure as snow, I was the Witch, and the weekend: never happened. I have no words for the crazines of it, really.

Because I'm thick, this is not my first relationship in crazy-land. I had one few years ago, that lasted about 2 years too, and included recycling. He found this new wonderful woman after me, that woman loved him so much yadda yadda. That woman could take the crap only 3 months, and left for good. I respect her.

I told that just to show you there is no reason to believe anything she tells you about this new happiness. She is fake, and she is faking. She tells you things that she knows will get you. The new happiness won't last. When it ends, don't be there for her, it is for your own good.

[freshlySane]

I said some incredibly vile and hurtful things to my BPDex when our relationship crumbled.  I felt that I had done so much for her and I was eventually dismissed like a piece of trash out of nowhere.  While trying to repair the relationship I discovered that she had started seeing another guy, while I was continuing to be loving, caring and supporting of her.  I loved her and told myself I would not abandon her.  Upon finding out she was sleeping with someone else, I sent a couple berating emails calling her a sociopath, slut, liar, evil, etc.  I feel so ashamed because that is not who I am.  The hurt and pain just overwhelmed me.  I didn't threaten her or anything remotely like that, but she immediately contacted the police for a no-contact order.  That was another knife in my heart, as I had never displayed such behavior before in our two year relationship and was always nothing but kind to her.

something i need to learn own up to your part in it your not a bad person and you were sucked in to the behavior you did what anyone would do react but you realize i was wrong and i forgive myself. Next realize its the disorder they want us to act this way because they really beleive we feel this way ... .  when they push us and we react then BOOM I KNEW IT. Self fulfilling prophecy we all do it in some aspect of our lives the cycle is over rebuild

[cal644]

The worst thing I have ever said in my life was to my soon to be ex (19 yrs together) - when she decided to leave her loving family for a scum - I told her - that is probably what you want in your heart is for someone to sexually, verbally, and physical abuse you (which he has a bad record of doing) (and is what she grew up with)- you don't want someone who loves and cares about you and treats you like a queen.  I appoligized which she would never ever accept - this was before I knew anything about BPD - to this day I still feel bad because that is not the person I am - but I was so frustrated and confused at the time my emotions got the better of me.

[freshlySane]

The worst thing I have ever said in my life was to my soon to be ex (19 yrs together) - when she decided to leave her loving family for a scum - I told her - that is probably what you want in your heart is for someone to sexually, verbally, and physical abuse you (which he has a bad record of doing) (and is what she grew up with)- you don't want someone who loves and cares about you and treats you like a queen.  I appoligized which she would never ever accept - this was before I knew anything about BPD - to this day I still feel bad because that is not the person I am - but I was so frustrated and confused at the time my emotions got the better of me.

Please do not blame yourself your human you reacted if this was a healthier person maybe you wouldn't of got to that point or maybe it would of went down differently. if some one told me babe you are hurting me i think you need to seek help i would go

why because i can see shades of grey i can see how that person is for me good and bad  The relationship means too much for me to further destroy ... .  

I did it for her i went to therapy

but BPD people can not do this  No amount of love can save them and all the love in the world can save them they need love to heal but they need their love they need to love themselves

read the thread idealization i got a lot of help yesterday from a lot of people and i read the lessons i download the books.

i am not cured or healthier but i am aware of my actions and my abilities and Knowing is half the battle GI JOE sorry poor attempt at humor .

She loves you or she wouldn't tell you those things but her love is a selfish love. She wants you to love her and wants you to save her but she knows you cant she knows no one can so she will go where she feels she can find it.

its easier for her but its not good for her. needs to realize i am damaged and i accept my self and want to be better... .  

I realized i feel so madly in love with my ex because she told me in the beginning " I know your damaged but i still want you" that floored me she read right thru me and i loved it finally some one who accepts me and when she left soo many time when she cheated when she berated and hit me when she was distant and argumentative and when she was in my book evil( she is not evil she is just hurt) I stayed Why because she accepted me and you know what all I needed was to accept myself I'm learning to love me I love me and I love her but i can not save her maybe one day she can save herself but now i got to save me

Save you and maybe you can help to save her ... .  you cant save her but you might be her Rock to lean on just make sure your not only her rock and that you r life gets consumed by her mine did and im paying for that now.