Re Post Breakup Rage/Guilt after THEY force the breakup. . . . ?

[BPDizzy]

My ex is raging/guilting me one month after our breakup.  What seems nonsensical to me is that SHE forced the breakup.

Is this common?

[elemental]

Maybe she thought YOU wanted the breakup and she just wanted to get it over with and broke up first. Now she is sitting around thinking omg what a jerk... .  

Do you think she really wanted the breakup or just thought you did and she ran away before you did it?

Some BPD do.

[BPDizzy]

Hey Elemental, thanks for responding.

I'm not sure if she thought I wanted it or not.  I myself was very unsure of things and maybe she could sense it.  But I pleaded with her but to no avail.

We had a hell of a year (duration of our r/s).  During this year, many many chaotic episodes, and plenty times where she would get drunk when I was not in her town (we lived in separate towns).  She racked up 2 DUI's, 3 days in a detox facility and 3 weeks in jail.  She now wears an alcohol monitoring bracelet and cannot drive.  She now works from home.  She has 2 daughters too . . . it was a difficult year for us all.

So I wonder if she chose the break up, and was adamant about it, why does she now rage at me after one month of being "broken up"?

Is it that she hasn't had much luck dating others?  Or is it she feels bitter because of her own misfortunes (thanks to her drinking) and has to dump on me? . . . . . . . Or does she actually miss the r/s (which towards the end was a real "hate" stage!)

Thanks again Elemental

[GustheDog]

Well this certainly was my experience.  ExBPDgf of 2.5 years turned hater for a month and then jumped ship, continuing her rampage as she fled.  Granted, once she was gone, she didn't contact me, but I would get serious hatred and rage whenever I tried to talk to her.  For the past few months it's been nothing but silence.

I can speak only about my individual experience, but from my understanding of the disorder, yes, this would be expected.  They need persecutors and rescuers, and subsequently turn their rescuers into persecutors - and the cycle repeats.

It took me a little while to understand that this is what's meant by the term "recycle" in the BPD-relationship context.  It's doesn't simply mean reusing an object (i.e., former partner) previously discarded (although it certainly encompasses this too) - it derives from the nature of BPD relationships as a progression of stages (i.e., idealize, cling, hate) that loop indefinitely - hence "re" (meaning: "again" and "cycle" (i.e., the orderly progression through the idealization, clinging, and hating stages).

[LuckyEscapee]

My experience was similar. My uBPDex worked behind the scenes ( not well enough) to line up my replacement ( his ex). I realised but wanted out anyhow, and was very understanding of his following his heart. I thought we were adults. Then he painted me black as night! It was horrendous.  :'(

I could never understand that despite me supporting every single move he wanted to make, at all number of costs to me, that a month out of our relationship he was harassing me 24/7 in one form or another.

He wanted us to break up (again!), he had someone new before we split. I wished him well. Yet I was public enemy no.1. I will never get it... .  but now I've given up caring I don't.

[GustheDog]

My understanding of this is because they can only deal with people who are "rewarding."  They have no self of their own, and mirror other people to feel happy and valued. 

After a relationship with someone, there will invariably be a history of conflict (because there was a BPD involved) and not-so-happy memories and emotions surface when interacting with the former partner.  They projected all their bad onto you when they split you - coming back to you (while you're still split black, anyway) means seeing their bad (or *your* bad, according to what they've convinced themselves of).  Either way, you are not a rewarding object any longer; you are now a withdrawing, bad, persecuting object.

This is so regardless of who left whom, how you act, even if you came bearing gifts.  In fact, I think it's just as bad if you left the BPD as it is vice versa.  If you left, they're abandoned and they hate you.  If they left, and you're engaging, then you're attempting to manipulate and control them - you're a persecutor.

From 2010:

"The scapegoating helps protect them. It's what they know. It's what they've been taught. There's nothing you can do to escape it- and every conversation you have after you've been split black will only appear to them as sadistically motivated. To persuade them that you don't deserve the enemy behavior is pointless. They just dont understand it. In their minds, the conflict is with your behavior- not theirs. They may be confused- and admit they are confused- but they wont hear a word you are saying.

"The Behaviors become self-serving to the psychological construct that the romantic partner (formerly Mother object in her mind) supplanted into the BPD’s mind- that the BPD is a kept person and has no ability to make her own decisions, is a masochist and is being sadistically persecuted."

[BPDizzy]

Hey Gus!

Thank you for the reply.  Yes, I get the rescuer/persecutor dynamic . . . there really is no middle ground !

What I am gathering though is that as much as she may or may not realize that she was the one who did the abandoning (she was the one that split), my reluctance to "chase" or pursue her after the break up may be interpreted as my "abandonment" of her . . . . am i right?

Thanks Gus!

[afterdeath]

One word: projection

As the others have already described flawlessly, she messed up, but she can't accept that, so it must be your fault she messed up and feels so bad. I hate you now for making me cheat on you or I hate you now for making me dump you. I project all my negative attributes of this relationship to you because I can't accept them our it will destroy my shield and I'll die.

It's maddening.

[GustheDog]

Hey Gus!

Thank you for the reply.  Yes, I get the rescuer/persecutor dynamic . . . there really is no middle ground !

What I am gathering though is that as much as she may or may not realize that she was the one who did the abandoning (she was the one that split), my reluctance to "chase" or pursue her after the break up may be interpreted as my "abandonment" of her . . . . am i right?

Thanks Gus!

Yeah, and echoing afterdeath, it's just always going to be your fault.  And, you're right, since you're not chasing, you've "abandoned."  If you did chase, you'd be controlling/manipulative/persecutorial - you'd be interfering with her autonomy (which she never developed in childhood but subconsciously craves).  She is dependent on others for her very survival but resentful of this dependency - and this manifests in the push/pull, scapegoating, and other twisted maladaptive behaviors that make up the disorder.

It's always going to be your fault, you see, because it simply *must* be your fault.  Acknowledging even the tiniest flaw within herself necessitates that she see herself as 100% bad.

[myself]

There can also be times where our exes, knowing they have hurt us, and that we keep coming back for more, look at us as someone who has something actually wrong with us for coming back. Because we do. Even though a lot of the push/pull may come from them, and we're just working on keeping a balance somehow, we're seen as the imbalanced ones because our struggles are right out in the open (we're not keeping them hidden). When you're looking to idealize someone, and the one you're with is wrapped up in so many problems, that's not the one you turn to anymore. It's as if they can't be with us because we're 'all wet' now, when they're the ones who dumped their water on us. Sometimes that came as a surprise, often times we helped with it.