What type of person would do this to their family

[cal644]

When my UBPD wife chose to continue her "emotional affair" she asked me "What type of person would do this to her family?" meaning her.  Any thoughts on why she knew she was making the wrong choice but did so anyway?

[FindingMe2011]

When my UBPD wife chose to continue her "emotional affair" she asked me "What type of person would do this to her family?" meaning her.  Any thoughts on why she knew she was making the wrong choice but did so anyway?

   My only advice, at this point, is to keep reading, and posting until you believe, what you are reading. This will take some acceptance on your part. Even if only a little, for right now. There is an order to the disorder... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[cal644]

Thanks Finding me - I am starting to beleive.  But its still so hard for us Nons to grasp how a mind can be so warped ... .  I still can't grasp how someone who had so much pain in their life - could run so easily from someone who showed them so much love.

[FindingMe2011]

Thanks Finding me - I am starting to beleive.  But its still so hard for us Nons to grasp how a mind can be so warped ... .  I still can't grasp how someone who had so much pain in their life - could run so easily from someone who showed them so much love.

I would also suggest, you try not to use the term "Non". It creates a stance of us against them, right or wrong, black and white, and will only be self defeating, in what you are trying to achieve, peace... .  The truth is, we all come here with at the very least, strong traits of DPD. For me, just as may others on here, arrived here with traits of DPD, and NPD, that needed to be addressed... .  In the end... .  I was asking a person that was not capable, nor had the tools, (she tried) to live a life, I had for-seen, for a long time. A little selfishness on my part, and a piece of how I could, only see what what i wanted to, and believe, over all she viewed things the way I did. She continuously showed me, whom she was, I didnt believe her... .  I do now, and have for a while now... .  I wish you well,PEACE    

[FindingMe2011]

   I still can't grasp how someone who had so much pain in their life - could run so easily from someone who showed them so much love.   

The love you showed her, in the beginning, is what you are looking for from someone else, deeply rooted in your childhood. When a pwBPD mirrors this back to us, it becomes our addiction/hook, and we spend the rest of the r/s chasing this, not realizing it wasnt genuine, because this is not possible, from a person with a part-time self... .  

[cal644]

The mirror effect is so hard to understand - even when she said she was only the person she thought I wanted her to be.  I came from a great family and wonderful childhood (I was so blessed - probably as close to a picture perfect/unconditionally loving family as you can imagine).  She actually considered my parents to be her parents (as she had more feeling towards them than her own).  That's what has been the hardest for me - that for 19 years I was married to a woman who was never truely herself (because she doesn't know who she is).  The part where I question myself is how was my love not enough for her (everyone who knew us said how I constantly gave her positive comments, told her, and showed her I loved her).  And then she can turn me black so easily for someone she meet for only 3 hours in person which became hours a day texting. A life of love thrown away for a fantasy.

[FindingMe2011]

  I came from a great family and wonderful childhood (I was so blessed - probably as close to a picture perfect/unconditionally loving family as you can imagine).       

I once said these very words. Somehow (I understand now) I came out of childhood, not feeling understood, and lonely, I had 2 parents, and 2 brothers. Perception can be deceiving, especially to a child.

    A life of love thrown away for a fantasy.   

I spent 12 1/2 yrs, and 2 kids, with pwuBPD. Its not exactly quite that simple, but can easily be seen this way. When feelings become facts, this can be the results. She is reliving the continuous loop, which in turn explains her erratic behavior. The legnth of this r/s, has created a deep enmeshed r/s, with many layers of cobwebs, to pull off. 

  The mirror effect is so hard to understand   

Not really, she actually told you. You chose not to believe this; and also exposes her part-time self

   even when she said she was only the person she thought I wanted her to be.     

    The part where I question myself is how was my love not enough for her (everyone who knew us said how I constantly gave her positive comments, told her, and showed her I loved her)   

Keep reading, then understanding, then believing, it is a process.  Its hard coming to a place, where you realize you got some things wrong. Be kind and forgiving to yourself, you deserve this... .  I wish you well, PEACE... .  

[ambi]

When my UBPD wife chose to continue her "emotional affair" she asked me "What type of person would do this to her family?" meaning her.  Any thoughts on why she knew she was making the wrong choice but did so anyway?

It's like standing outside of yourself and seeing it and wondering, "Who is that?"  It's more of an identity issue than wondering if you're right or wrong about something.