Did my ex have BPD?

[Arbonne]

I am not sure if my now ex was a borderline, it would help in my recovery if I could put a name to whatever he has, that did not seem ‘normal’ to me.

These are the main characteristics of our relationship... .  he is now 41 and has had a history of short lived relationships, usually he would find fault with them and dump them and then list their faults to whoever would listen. Never lived with a woman and has never been engaged. I always thought that that bothered him.

He had a very hard upbringing, his father was very critical of him and he said that the only time he felt free of his father’s heavy presence was when his father died, his parents would have violent fights, his father was very bossy and critical of him

We dated for 3 and a half years. I noticed that he would leer and stare at women, often making them very uncomfortable. It made me feel ugly and humiliated. If I told him to stop he would become very defensive.

He was /is always complaining about his work mates and the job itself, he never seemed to be happy in his job, never satisfied. He is in a new job now and within a few weeks he was complaining of the work and his colleagues.

He was quite critical and cruel to me, he would say that my clothes were not cool, and that he said that I should change my hair colour and the style.

After becoming suspicious near to the end of our relationship, I found his profile on about 5 dating sites, saying he is single looking for a long term relationship and to settle down and have children. He was also on a swingers site and said that he was bi-curious.  He was about a year ahead of me in the break up, I never knew he was wanting out,  he must have had it in his thoughts for a year before we actually did, he never said a thing, he just became more and more hot and cold, it was only when I found out about the dating sites that things came to a head. Thinking about it, he must have been tapping away messaging these women when he was laying on the bed with me, as he used to angle the phone away from me.

I have been checking out his profiles (I know, I can’t help it!)  and he has been chopping and changing sites for about 5 months now, he seems to have not much luck with them. Which is strange as he seems to have been on them for a long time even when he was dating me. So he should have  lots of practice.

He always seemed to have a thing for a woman he had a brief affair some years ago,  who has every personality disorder going, she is very unstable, promiscuous and has Bi polar as well, she rejected him after a few weeks, and he was always asking me how she was (I work with her and it was not until recently I found out that they had been lovers)

In between all of this he was dependable and romantic and loving.  But I truly believe 99% of women would have dumped him after a few months.

[freshlySane]

it may seem that way but we can not determine if he is Borderline or not we are not professionals of he treated you wrong abused you and you felt hurt crazy or just plan taking advantage off then whether he has it or not. its not healthy and you need to focus on you and move on and find love wit someone who will make you happy and fulfilled

[hithere]

Nothing in your post screams BPD to me but you really would need a professional to diagnose him.

My advice to you is to seek therapy and that will help you get over him.

I am curious, if in between saying some not so nice things to you and dumping you he was

dependable and romantic and loving.

But I truly believe 99% of women would have dumped him after a few months.

Then why would the above be true.

[Arbonne]

Because he was Jekyll and hyde, very sweet and caring, then he would go the other way, it left me very confused, and as we were a long distance away from each other, we never really spent weeks and weeks together under the same roof, I think if we did then it would have been intolerable for me, as he was quite moody and irritable especially in the mornings. I think the reason I put up with so much when most women would have dumped him or challanged him, (then a row would have started and then that would have been the start of the end as he could not take any responsibilty for his actions, hence the short lived relationships before me) was because my own father was a bit like this, so from an early age I learnt to zip it and put up with it, I would just ride it out and ignore the bad behaviour, I'm not sure if I was a very strong person to be able to rationialise and let the bad stuff go, or a very weak one.

He had problems with depression and panic attacks and was taking anti depressants.

After some things he said or did, I always thought, ''He's crazy! How much longer do I put up with this?''  Then the next day he would be back to his loving self.

As we comminicated a lot by email and phone he only need to nice for short periods and I thought that if I had been living with him and married to him, I would not have put up with his ways. I'm very placid and easy going, I try to see why someone behaves as they do and I felt, like my father, I should try to support him - but with my ex I would be on the end of the phone while I often would listen to his monologues of what was wrong with his work, and his workmates etc.

The worst was to discover the adult sex site, the photographs (recognised his bedroom) must have been taken while we were together, and a good year and a half before we split, and he was asking for gay, bi, trannsexuals, group, transgenders and he said he was bi- curious.  That was the biggest shock.

[turtle]

I am not sure if my now ex was a borderline, it would help in my recovery if I could put a name to whatever he has, that did not seem ‘normal’ to me.

The worst was to discover the adult sex site, the photographs (recognised his bedroom) must have been taken while we were together, and a good year and a half before we split, and he was asking for gay, bi, trannsexuals, group, transgenders and he said he was bi- curious.  That was the biggest shock.

It's normal to want some kind of label to pin on their shirt that says "not normal."  The label "assho!e" is also a label that can be very accurate.  There are plenty of people in this world who are just assho!es and that has nothing to do with BPD.

However... .  BPD or not... .  are the behaviors you've described acceptable to you?  Some of what you've said, especially this last thing that I've quoted from you would not be acceptable to me.  The label of BPD still doesn't make these things tolerable or even explicable. Is this kind of thing okay with you?  If not, then you have to remove yourself from it - BPD or not.

turtle