BPD Husband took his life last night... lost in thoughts... help please

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My husband took his life last night, we've been separated since the end of October when I left him with our 2 year old son.   I tried everything for so long, calling 911, getting his doctor's, trying to help him through a difficult time supporting through quitting his job leaving us broke and in debt, working my job and raising our son alone, protecting my son from seeing the bad until I couldn't so it anymore, supporting him and getting him to a hospital to be involuntary commitment after threatening me and then begging me to help him die while he's in my arms... .  I left because I needed to protect myself and my son and he needed to take responsibility for his own life and his own health... .  but he refused reality, refused to accept help and continued to try and control me and blame me for everything, obsess about me and push his family and friends away, try and eventually having to get a restraining order to get him to leave me alone... .  I couldn't stay with him anymore and continue to feel unsafe and scared and slowly swirling into a state of major depression myself and I left.  I left and felt relief after months even with his constant refusal to abide by my wishes of no contact except about AJ, and giving him supervised visitation. 

Thursday we went to court and I told my story in front of him and obtained a permanent restraining order.  I finally felt safe again, but not completely because who knew if he would continue to follow it and try something... .  but at least the emails, texts and videos of himself he would send to me stopped.  But what happened was I believe he never wanted to get his life back together, he never wanted to look for a job, he pushed his friends away because he didn't want them in his life because they were trying to help give him perspective and he never wanted a relationship with his son... .  he just wanted me, obsessed with getting me back and when that was not an option anymore in his eyes he took his life without calling for help, which was out of character for him to not ask for someone to rescue him... .  he didn't make plans and not show up, he didnt threaten or leave hints to anyone.  What he did do was he used his tools and built something in the ceiling of our old bedroom strong enough to leave no mistakes of being able to hold his weight when he hung himself, he laid plastic on the floor, wore our wedding right and a necklace around his neck attached with the pennies I made for him when he got out of the hospital dates of when we met, married and had AJ, then rigged the light for when someone turned on the light to find him the TV would turn on and our wedding video would start playing.  He attached a general note to himself along with a note to his mother, and to his friends.  He only attached something addressed to me, which I have not seen yet, to a shadow box filled with our wedding headpieces and a photo spread made for us during our engagement party... .  and gifts wrapped for AJ, whcih I have also not seen... .  Why did he does this to me? to everyone?  I am so sad that he felt there was no way to move on, and did not use the energy he had when creating this plan of death towards seeking a new life, seeing the support he had (30 missed calls on his cell phone)... .  but I am also very very angry with him, it feels like he wanted to say I told you I couldnt live without you and you were the only thing that was going to fix me, look what you did to me and I will leave you alone now forever, not realizing the mess he was leaving behind for everyone to deal with and a son that will be without a father... .  and one day I will have to make up a story to tell him about why his daddy is not coming back.  Then, on the other end I want to believe that he knew he was not able to get better and he wanted to release me, he didn't want his son to see this and he was in so much pain that maybe now he wouldn't hurt anymore... .  I just dont know

What do I even begin to ask for help with, I know I need help through this with someone anyone who has had experience with a significant other that had mental health issues that died or attempted suicide. 

I want to go to the house and see the note addressed to me, I want to see what he left and I do not want anyone there with me.  I don't want anyone's emotional thoughts to hinder my ability to feel this on my own.  I don't want them to see my reaction, I don't want to see their reaction, I don't want to see their reaction to me... .  I just want to see it and feel it myself, and I want to do it soon, because the sooner I see it the faster no matter how horrible or shocking or whatever, the faster I will have to overcome it and will not have any regrets.  But close friends who found him, do not think I should they want to bring the stuff here.  They don't think I should go to the house at all.  My parents also do not think I should go, but my mom is willing to come with me but stay away, that I will just have support when I am done.  What should I do, it is my decision, but is my thought process clouded.  Does it really matter if I go there and see or if it comes here? 

Where do I begin to start healing through this?  Any suggestions?  words of wisdom?  I would gladly take it and think about it before I make my own decision... .  

Thank you,

Dragonfly24

[Dragonfly24]

My husband took his life last night, we've been separated since the end of October when I left him with our 2 year old son.   I tried everything for so long, calling 911, getting his doctor's, trying to help him through a difficult time supporting through quitting his job leaving us broke and in debt, working my job and raising our son alone, protecting my son from seeing the bad until I couldn't so it anymore, supporting him and getting him to a hospital to be involuntary commitment after threatening me and then begging me to help him die while he's in my arms... .  I left because I needed to protect myself and my son and he needed to take responsibility for his own life and his own health... .  but he refused reality, refused to accept help and continued to try and control me and blame me for everything, obsess about me and push his family and friends away, try and eventually having to get a restraining order to get him to leave me alone... .  I couldn't stay with him anymore and continue to feel unsafe and scared and slowly swirling into a state of major depression myself and I left.  I left and felt relief after months even with his constant refusal to abide by my wishes of no contact except about AJ, and giving him supervised visitation. 

Thursday we went to court and I told my story in front of him and obtained a permanent restraining order.  I finally felt safe again, but not completely because who knew if he would continue to follow it and try something... .  but at least the emails, texts and videos of himself he would send to me stopped.  But what happened was I believe he never wanted to get his life back together, he never wanted to look for a job, he pushed his friends away because he didn't want them in his life because they were trying to help give him perspective and he never wanted a relationship with his son... .  he just wanted me, obsessed with getting me back and when that was not an option anymore in his eyes he took his life without calling for help, which was out of character for him to not ask for someone to rescue him... .  he didn't make plans and not show up, he didnt threaten or leave hints to anyone.  What he did do was he used his tools and built something in the ceiling of our old bedroom strong enough to leave no mistakes of being able to hold his weight when he hung himself, he laid plastic on the floor, wore our wedding right and a necklace around his neck attached with the pennies I made for him when he got out of the hospital dates of when we met, married and had AJ, then rigged the light for when someone turned on the light to find him the TV would turn on and our wedding video would start playing.  He attached a general note to himself along with a note to his mother, and to his friends.  He only attached something addressed to me, which I have not seen yet, to a shadow box filled with our wedding headpieces and a photo spread made for us during our engagement party... .  and gifts wrapped for AJ, whcih I have also not seen... .  Why did he does this to me? to everyone?  I am so sad that he felt there was no way to move on, and did not use the energy he had when creating this plan of death towards seeking a new life, seeing the support he had (30 missed calls on his cell phone)... .  but I am also very very angry with him, it feels like he wanted to say I told you I couldnt live without you and you were the only thing that was going to fix me, look what you did to me and I will leave you alone now forever, not realizing the mess he was leaving behind for everyone to deal with and a son that will be without a father... .  and one day I will have to make up a story to tell him about why his daddy is not coming back.  Then, on the other end I want to believe that he knew he was not able to get better and he wanted to release me, he didn't want his son to see this and he was in so much pain that maybe now he wouldn't hurt anymore... .  I just dont know

What do I even begin to ask for help with, I know I need help through this with someone anyone who has had experience with a significant other that had mental health issues that died or attempted suicide. 

I want to go to the house and see the note addressed to me, I want to see what he left and I do not want anyone there with me.  I don't want anyone's emotional thoughts to hinder my ability to feel this on my own.  I don't want them to see my reaction, I don't want to see their reaction, I don't want to see their reaction to me... .  I just want to see it and feel it myself, and I want to do it soon, because the sooner I see it the faster no matter how horrible or shocking or whatever, the faster I will have to overcome it and will not have any regrets.  But close friends who found him, do not think I should they want to bring the stuff here.  They don't think I should go to the house at all.  My parents also do not think I should go, but my mom is willing to come with me but stay away, that I will just have support when I am done.  What should I do, it is my decision, but is my thought process clouded.  Does it really matter if I go there and see or if it comes here? 

Where do I begin to start healing through this?  Any suggestions?  words of wisdom?  I would gladly take it and think about it before I make my own decision... .  

Thank you,

Dragonfly24

[Wendell]

Dragonfly24,

I wanted to offer support to you, I'm so very sorry for your loss.  My words aren't enough, I just wanted you to know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.  I believe you should follow your heart in regards to going to the house and reading his letter.  You know what is necessary for your healing, listen to your heart most of all.  Sometimes others mean well but they don't know what is best for us, only we have the answers for ourselves. 

Please know that you have many people here that care for you.     

[Changed4safety]

I am so very sorry to read about this--I cannot imagine what you are going through.  I would recommend getting a therapist who has dealt with this as soon as possible--it sounds as though you tried everything and in the end did what you did to protect your child.  Someone else recently has gone through this, I will try to find the thread and link it here, perhaps reading what some said to her will be of some help to you as well.  I would also suggest trusting your instincts--perhaps with someone just a phone call and a short drive away (like maybe down the street, waiting if needed) if you find you do unexpectedly want someone there.  I am sure someone would be honored to do this for you.  

Sending you prayers for your healing and that of your son.  

Edit:  Here is the thread.  Remember people are here and care about you! 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=192989.0

[turtle]

I'm so sorry that he decided to do this. 

I agree with Changed4safety -- you need a professional to deal with this!

You are in my thoughts and prayers during this sad and oh so confusing time.



turtle

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm just so sorry Dragonfly, there aren't any words in the English language that are appropriate right now, except I'm sorry.

Please know that there are many here who will support you, listen to you, and hold you up as best as we can, whenever we can.

(())

CiF

[MaybeSo]

This seems to be happening more and more... .  on this forum... .  I am so so sorry.  I don't blame you for being angry... .  I would be... .  crushed, and angry.  My advice is be very, very careful with yourself for the next few weeks... .  very careful, careful driving, careful to go slowly... .  just take it slow... .  do not push yourself and take it very slow.  You are probably in shock ... .  I am so sorry.  You do not have to make any decisions about anything right this minute.  :)o you have a therapists or counselor?  You may want to call Hospice and see if you can speak with a counselor with experience in complex grief, or ask for a referral.  

[DreamGirl]

((Dragonfly))

I am so, so sorry for you and your son's loss.

Please do make sure you have a lot of support - a professional as well.  Losing a loved one to suicide is a grief of a different kind.



DreamGirl

[id-crisis]

Dragonfly, I'm so angry and upset for you! He obviously did put so much energy into his exit plan, and left you with his nightmare! How dare he? How dare he do that to you!

Don't take it on - please leave it where it is and use and covet your precious energy for you and your son to immediately start thinking of your own future!

Let your close friends guide you, please. I beg you!  If he was giving you bitter-sweet release, he would not have made such a grand effort. Whatever he left in that house, was not designed to give you any release. None.

Leave it be and take as much comfort as you can, from those who truly care about you.

My prayers are with you.

[tailspin]

Dragonfly,

What a horrific ordeal for you to go through.  I've read your words several times and I hear your voice.  You are not alone.

You have every right to be angry, and you may go back and forth with how you feel.  All this is an understandable reaction to an incomprehensible situation.  A grief counselor can help you navigate these emotions.

The choice to go or wait for the items to be brought to you is an entirely personal decision.  :)o what feels right for you.  If you do decide to go to the house, I would encourage you to take your mom.  She doesn't have to go in with you; she can wait outside as was discussed.  You deserve comfort and you do not have to do this alone.  

Regardless of what you decide or what you discover, I hope you find peace.  You may never understand why your husband chose to take his life.  However, please take comfort in knowing you are a strong, resiliant, and courageous woman.  Hold your son close and be proud of how well you protected him.  I'm sure proud of you.

tailspin

[Changed4safety]

MaybeSo is very right--grief is a real blow to the body, mind and spirit--the numbness is protective for a while, don't rush to get rid of it, and do be very careful and very, very tender with yourself.  Let people help you.  Let them make a meal for you and try to eat some of it, let them keep you hydrated.  Let them drive.  Let them clean the kitchen.  Let them let you talk about whatever you want to talk about.  

[gina louise]

OMG I am so so sorry for your loss.

GL

[Clearmind]

Hugs to you and your son!

I'm also not surprised you are angry! Be kind to you at this time.

[Rose Tiger]

It sounds like his disorder drove him to the edge, you know how the disorder works, it's everyone else.  It's the disorder and it's horrible.  :'(

I don't know if it's such a good idea for you to see all that he placed around and set the scene.  You know how it's once seen, it can't be unseen.  I'm not sure there is any benefit to you being there.  I'd want to read the note if I were you, to see if there are any bits of him in it versus all the disorder.

I have no doubt that he is at peace and restored.  I'm sure he wishes that he could come back and change some things.  Or I imagine it as so, when we see things from a different perspective and from a place of healing, then we think oh, can I go back?

You and all who loved him are in my prayers.    

[Dragonfly24]

Thank you, I was 't sure where to post.  I am so grateful to have found this site last fall, and hope one day I can help someone else know they are not alone.  Thank you everyone, I really really appreciate your care and support.  I know my post was a mess, and I do believe I am in shock... .  I have an amazing therapist who I had seen last night after I got the news.  I know I am lucky to have friends and family and amazing coworkers for strength, love and immediate support and assistance with myself and my son, as I am a kindergarten teacher and being out is so incredibly hard... .  to even begin thinking of how this news will spread through town... .    I believe my support system with them, my therapist and this amazing list of members here will help me up when I am down and guide me into repairing and rebuilding myself and moving into a chosen, happier life with my son.

I feel like when I was finally able to peek my head up out of this fog, after seeing my own therapist and anti-depressants realizing that staying with him wasn't helping him not was it safe for me and my son to continue to stay... .  realizing I had been out of love with him for so long, ignoring things that should have been wake up calls to run and find safety... .  I still believe I tried everything to help.  But I picked my head up and saw I was not able to give anymore, and was ready to leave and it was his choice to change his life... .  

And now no matter what I had done... .  damned if I did damned if I don't, but best that I did leave for my son and I will make him my focus through all this he deserves me and a happy safe life to grow up in.

[chuckstrong]

May God bless you Dragonfly24 and help you thru this. Take care of yourself

and your little one.   

Chuck

[Suzn]

I'm so sorry this happened Dragonfly.    What a terrible shock this is.

You are so right your son deserves you and a happy, safe life. Please take extra care of yourself.  We're here for you, you are definitely not alone in this.

You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers. 

[almost789]

Gost dragonfly, this sounds horrible. I'm so sorry. You ask if you should see the house and letter. I don't know that I would want to at this point if I were in your situation. Listen to your friends and family. They may be more logical than you right now considering all your going through. Prayers and healing to you. Take care.

[Blessed0329]

Dragonfly, please don't read anything he wrote to you without consulting first with a professional. Hospice is a good suggestion. Sometimes people who commit suicide do so as a final big act of rage, with most of that rage directed at the one they are most angry with. You don't have to accept responsibility for this choice he made. Please take care.

[Surnia]

I am so sorry about what happend, dragonfly!

A big big 

There is a lot said here, and I agree: Please reach out for support, also by professionals.

[happiness68]

Dragonfly24 - I'm so sorry.  I think you should definitely speak to a professional.  We are all here, but we're not by any means professional.  You're in my thoughts.

[Dragonfly24]

Thank you again for your kindness... .  

I am reaching out for support professionally and living with my parents pretty much is going to keep me monitored... .  I was prescribed xanax for anxiety... .  day by day... .  

[lbjnltx]

Hello Dragonfly,

So very sad to hear what you are having to deal with.  I am glad to know that you and your son have so much support around you.

We are here for you as well.  When the time is right for you, please check into the

support group system known as SOS... .  Survivors of Suicide.  There may be a membership near you that can help you in the weeks to come. 



lbjnltx

[heartandwhole]

I'm so sorry, Dragonfly.  Blessings to you and your son.  You are loved and we are here to support you.   

[momtara]

"and did not use the energy he had when creating this plan of death towards seeking a new life, seeing the support he had"

I'm sorry you are going through this.  What you said above is what frustrates me sometimes, the shame of it all, that they don't apply their efforts to getting better and making their family better.

I have a 2 year old son too.  I know how you feel.  It would have been worse if he'd been with your husband when your husband did something like this.  Hang in there. 

[atcrossroads]

Dragonfly,

Your story touched me to the very core, and I am so deeply sorry for your loss and for how it happened.  What a horrific story.  You sound like an extremely strong woman who has been through hell and back and now to finish it this way is so unjust.  NO ONE should ever have to go through this.  You did nothing to deserve this, and from your story, it sounds like you tried and tried to help. 

I am so glad you have a good therapist and family and others for support right now.  I second all others who said just let people take care of you and your son now so you can feel what you are going to feel and eventually cope and heal.  I can't imagine how all over the place your emotions must be.   

I will be praying for you to find peace and strength.   

[mssomebodynice]

I just want you to know that I am crying for you.  This was so selfish of him.  I am so sorry for your loss and the pain of the forethought he had to prepare it all.  I want to gaurd you from any more pain so I can only imagine how your friends must feel.  In the end it is all up to you.  My advise for what it is worth is to do what ever is going to help you through this time.  My God, I cannot imagine where your thoughts might be going.  Bless you.  I ask God to bless you and give you the strength to push through and find the happiness you so deserve.  Why you?  Why to you have to have the highest level of pain thrust at you?  I am so sorry.  Your husband was very ill.  So very ill.  You are in my thoughts.  Find strength in yourself by thinking of your son.  He needs you so.  I hope you feel the love and support and most of all the understanding from us all.  I hope someone says something to ease your pain.  Remember always that this was his illness, you are not ill, and you can have life again.  Hugs.

[DogDancer]

Dragonfly24,

I'm so deeply sorry. This is awful stuff, and I can't begin to say I know how you are feeling. However, you did not deserve this, nor did your son. You're not to blame in any way. As others have suggested, I strongly believe that you should seek the professional help of a therapist to help you walk through the coming days and weeks and months of healing.

Please continue to post here. It can be very healing to do so, and the people on this board, have all been through many ordeals themselves with mentally ill family members and loved ones. We might not always have an answer, but we can continue to provide support for you and give our understanding, nonjudgemental warmth and attention.

Peace to you, especially, this evening, and much healing in the days to come.

DogDancer

[DogDancer]

Dragonfly24,

I came back to see if you'd been here again, and I read through all the posts this time. I see that you do have a T, that you spoke with T right away, that you're with your parents, and that you've got Xanax. I'm relieved that you've got support to help with this initial awful shock.

There are so many caring, concerned comments here: It touches me that so many people are here for you. This is as it should be. My hope right now is that you are sleeping and getting some rest and respite from this terrible loss. You will get through this, it's quite clear from your posts that you have the strength to heal and help your son. You've done all that you had to, and there is no guilt in this that belongs to you, and no responsibility for what your h did. We will keep checking here for you, and if you don't want to post for a while, all is okay. Just be gentle with yourself.

Peace and all healing to you,

DogDancer

[dharmagems]

Dragonfly,

My thoughts and prayers are with you as I am so touched by what happened. Yes, slow down.  Breathe if it gets too much for you.  If you can sit and close your eyes and realize that you are here this day and and you survived today.  You have your child and you have your own life.  Sit down and breathe all that in.  We are all holding you in the heart of our prayers as your soul heals.

[Weird Fishes]

Dragonfly;

My heart goes out to you.  You have every right to be angry.  Every right to be numb. 

I had a similar experience.  You are doing everything right-seeing a therapist, taking advantage of your support group, talking here.

No one should have to go through something like this.  You can have a happy and abundant life after this, and so can your child.  For now do whatever you need to grieve.   My thoughts are with you.