You know how we all keep remembering things throughout the healing process - those aha moments. I had one this morning.
My exbfBPD was married for 20 years and I remember how he told me that he split with his wife because he'd fallen out of love with her. I naively believed just that at the time. However, as time went on, it would appear that yes, he had fallen out of love with her, but also that she had taken on a managerial role and according to him "bossed him around as she did the people that she worked with". Oh there was also that when he was a despatch rider and he had an accident (quite often from what I understood from him, though with his wreckless driving it seemed hardly surprising), she would never go up to the hospital, not even to see if he was ok. Over dramatising I see in hindsight.
Well my aha moment led me to remember how when we argued over the last year or so (actually he argued, I just mainly kept quiet post one year of being together, because I couldn't bear the lectures and knew that they'd have a shorter duration if I could just keep my mouth shut) - anyway, I remembered how he'd said to me on more than one occasion how we didn't have as many problems as he did with his wife after 20 years of marriage. Actually, he did have more problems in his last relationship. He was no longer in love with the woman and he, according to him, was feeling like she was controlling him in a certain respect if she really was taking that managerial role home. However, our problems existed of petty things, such as my leaving the plug of the hairdryer on the floor the wrong way up, thus enraging him or the fact that I didn't answer the front door the minute he knocked on it. So to conclude on this point, I'm convinced that the ex wife he was once painted black was painted white again in his eyes because of the fact that BPD's only paint one person completely black at any one time, possibly because he takes a good memory to lie about something and if you're going to do it well, you have to be a good liar. You can only be a good liar if you concentrate on the situation in hand. I'd imagine that with his next girlfriend, once that is over, he will be painting me white again. Just a thought I had on my way to healing ... .
