How did you get it started?

[GreenTea]

I'm usually on the Undecided board, but I think I need to move here. I just need to take that scary step. How did you initiate the conversation with your pwBPD that you're moving on, you're unwilling to live life like this anymore? For my own sanity and my 5D sake, I need to put us in a emotionally stable environment which means my uBPDh would move back to the States to no home, no job as we live overseas. We have been to counseling (I still go and need to continue for my own healing), had a brief 3 month separation last year, and NOTHING has changed. According to him, he's done his part, what's wrong with our r/s is all up to me to fix now. After 15 years, I am done... .  

So, how do you get the ball started? Just force yourself to have that conversation... .  we are through?

[ramble on]

Good question. I am currently in the middle of the chore of going separate ways with my udpwBPD. Not enough room here to hash over all the things that have gone on over the years we have been together (25). A series of inappropriate anger outbursts and other classic BPD things towards me finally got me to look deep inside myself and the relationship itself. That was  6 years ago that I finally and completely knew that something was seriously wrong. I also found this site and had my aha moment. All the little things, big things, red flags, and such finally came together and made sense. At that time my father was terminal with cancer and passed away in Oct 06, my favourite aunt passed away in feb 07, my mother was suffering from dementia and had been put into long term care, she passed in Feb 08, my brother in law of my only sister had major heart problems out of country in 06 and consumed my sisters time. In 2009 I had some medical issues with the Hep C I got from tainted blood years earlier and had to undergo 9 months of chemo to try and kill the virus. My best friend died 3 months after being diagnosed with cancer in 2010 Throughout all this she was jealous of the time it took away from her. She showed next to no empathy of what my family and I were really going through. She dismissed things by saying things like " well he should have taken better care of himself"

Anyway in 2010, I realized that I could not go on. I may still love her in some way, and I recognize that she has deep rooted issues that cause/create her actions. That said I realized that I did not LIKE her much anymore. We were not friends like I am friends with others. Subconciously I guess she knew that I had changed and things were different. I had quit caring so much, I had quit jumping to do whatever she wanted done or what I anticipate she might like, I had quit trying so hard to soothe her fragile self esteem, I quit backing her even when something she had said or done was clearly not the way to do things in normal land. The day I finally "fessed" up she was doing her famous lay in bed, stare at ceiling and invent a crisis. She called me in and said " you have a problem" and "the relationship isn't working"  or something like that. I took a deep breath and said " you are right its not working, it has not worked for some time. Then I told her that "we" are disfunctional, and have been for a long time. I told her that I did not love her anymore in the way that someone should in a healthy relationship and we needed to move on in separate directions. That was in 2011 we had that talk. Here it is 2013 and finally we are moving towards ending it for good. In the meantime I have seen a therapist who specializes in BPD. She can't diagnose without meeting but based on the numerous pages of notes I gave her and hours of talking she firmly believes that I am involved with a pwBPD. She also sees signs of numerous other emotional issues that complicate matters.

I am learning to stand up for myself and not get trapped in the FOG. I realize now that no matter what she says I did not create the problem, did not worsen the problem and most importantly cannot fix the problem. I now just nod my head and agree with her that I am at fault, am full of undesirable qualities and should not of tried being in a relationship.

My therapist said that based on her observations of me she thinks I am a good person, easy going, flexible, and smart. She said I have likely provided way more stability to my spouse over the years then she would likely have had with less tolerant partners. Onwards and upwards... .  Good luck