Confused

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello Leaving Board,

I'm hoping you can help me once again get some perspective of the behaviors of my uBPDexgf.  If you've read some of my earlier posts, my exgf of 4.5 years decided to "move on" last July, telling me in a text message.  Her reason was that I was much older than her and that I had kids from a previous marriage.  And the kids would take too much of my time away from her.  Because of those factors, and her age - 32, she felt that she needed to move on and find a permanent relationship.

Here's what I don't understand - she's been dating another guy for the past 5 months, who is also divorced with a kid.  She has admitted to me that she doesn't love him (which I have learned via other sources as well), yet she continues to be in a very physical relationship with him with no end in sight.  My questions are: 1)  Why would she have a physical relationship with someone she doesn't love and has no intention of staying with, long-term?  and 2)  Why would she be in a relationship with someone who has kids and whom she doesn't love, after telling me that she didn't want to marry me, because I already have kids?  It's especially discouraging, because the last two times she has called, she's been pretty open in telling me that she still loves me and misses me, yet she won't consider getting back together.  I could tell from the tone of her voice that she meant it from her heart.

I'll admit that I feel somewhat embarrassed asking this group for some answers, as I understand that this is an attachment disordered person.  I assume that she is having a physical relationship with someone she doesn't love and doesn't intend to marry, simply because he fills her need for attention.  What is harder to understand is why she would insist on breaking up with me to find a permanent relationship, yet she is in a clearly temporary relationship - and one with someone she doesn't even love!

I would be grateful for your advice and insight.

[Confusedandhurt]

Hello Leaving Board,

I'm hoping you can help me once again get some perspective of the behaviors of my uBPDexgf.  If you've read some of my earlier posts, my exgf of 4.5 years decided to "move on" last July, telling me in a text message.  Her reason was that I was much older than her and that I had kids from a previous marriage.  And the kids would take too much of my time away from her.  Because of those factors, and her age - 32, she felt that she needed to move on and find a permanent relationship.

Here's what I don't understand - she's been dating another guy for the past 5 months, who is also divorced with a kid.  She has admitted to me that she doesn't love him (which I have learned via other sources as well), yet she continues to be in a very physical relationship with him with no end in sight.  My questions are: 1)  Why would she have a physical relationship with someone she doesn't love and has no intention of staying with, long-term?  and 2)  Why would she be in a relationship with someone who has kids and whom she doesn't love, after telling me that she didn't want to marry me, because I already have kids?  It's especially discouraging, because the last two times she has called, she's been pretty open in telling me that she still loves me and misses me, yet she won't consider getting back together.  I could tell from the tone of her voice that she meant it from her heart.

I'll admit that I feel somewhat embarrassed asking this group for some answers, as I understand that this is an attachment disordered person.  I assume that she is having a physical relationship with someone she doesn't love and doesn't intend to marry, simply because he fills her need for attention.  What is harder to understand is why she would insist on breaking up with me to find a permanent relationship, yet she is in a clearly temporary relationship - and one with someone she doesn't even love!

I would be grateful for your advice and insight.

[Gaslit]

I think at first, we automatically believe a lot of the reasons (excuses) that they give for a variety of different things/behaviors. I mean, why wouldn't we?

We then even change or do things differently, yet, that doesn't help. And some of their excuses contradict themselves. As you are CLEARLY seeing now. They contradict because they are mostly made up.

In other words, you are 100% certain of the reason she gave you for leaving you, when really she just simply said it. Sure, maybe she means it on some level, but not how you think she does. It is just an excuse. She could have just as easily given you some other excuse to over think. It's just another 'thing' she says to explain her disordered thinking.

You also believe how she tells you she feels about you (love) and how she says she feels about him (not love.) You believe it so perfectly that she has you exactly where she wants you, as backup dude numero uno. You know, just in case she needs you.

It sounds so Romeo and Juliet. We tend to romanticize these things. "She loves me and not him, so I know I can figure this out and make it work."

You can't, we can't, no one can. It is the disorder.

[Clearmind]

What is harder to understand is why she would insist on breaking up with me to find a permanent relationship, yet she is in a clearly temporary relationship - and one with someone she doesn't even love!

Confused, you are right it is an attachment disorder. My guess is this person is a soft place for her to land.

While Borderlines fear abandonment they also fear engulfment and intimacy - its possible she feels safe in the knowledge that she can leave at any point - when she feels he has served a need! If you live in a state of fear and shame - what better way to minimize personal fallout than to date someone you don't love!

And remember sex and intimacy are not the same thing.

So my friend, she did not break up with because of who you are, whether you have kids or not - its the disorder.

If she was to leave this guy and declare her love for you - what would you say/do?

[Confusedandhurt]

Clearmind,

Great question, and one I've thought a lot about. The first thing I'd want to do is talk. I'd want to talk about her intentions and try and gauge how serious she was. The second thing I'd do is share some of what I learned about the pain she feels inside and that I want to help her address it. Finally, I'd ask her to go to couples therapy together. My hope is that the last step would lead to her getting treated for BPD. It's also the deal breaker for me. I won't go back to the treatment I received, no matter how much I miss her now, and I miss her enormously.

Thanks for the feedback!

[patientandclear]

Confused, I went through similar agonizing about my ex's stated reasons for abandoning our r/s when it was in full flight & we seemed so happy.  He said it was b/c we had radically different parenting styles (which we'd barely even discussed, & which I now know, after much subsequent discussion w/him, are very similar).  After a little back & forth in the first throes of the breakup, when I pointed out he knew nothing about my parenting approach & I'd be flexible & open to his views, it morphed into how he just had realized he wasn't up for doing the kid thing again (my daughter was 6, & he had adult kids hed'd had when he was quite young).

So all this hurt me terribly.  He'd known I was a single mom when he courted me & persuaded me to care about him & the idea of us as a couple.  Now it wasn't worth the trouble of dealing w/my kid (who's great BTW ).  I spent a couple awful months wondering if things would've been different if I didn't have a child, if I had a different child , if I were a different kind of parent.

Two months later, he wanted to know if we could talk.  Spent 20 mins on the kid issues, & he felt they were satisfactorily addressed. Could we get back together?  That didn't happen as he talked to his T who urged that he spend time learning to be alone, & he also seemed to get cold feet.  But we stayed in touch for a bit till I realized he was pursuing his ex gf, a much younger woman whose requirement for a r/s was ... .  having babies. Which would have required him reversing a vasectomy. Which he decided he would commit to doing.  When I learned that (from mutual friends), it was a kick in the stomach & an enormous betrayal. He couldn't work out parenting style issues w/me but he'd promise to have babies with this other woman?  Oh, I forgot to tell you that I was the love of his life, etc.

Point is--the kid thing w/me wasn't the real cause of the problem.  I think HE sincerely thought it was, but the emotional cave-in he experienced was about how close we'd been, that we were discussing moving in together, but also, I was wrapped up in work emergencies & we didn't see each other much ... .  lots of triggers. At the moment when things snapped, my kid was upset at something he'd done, I was comforting her--so that became the issue. But if I'd spent a ton of time trying to work that through w/him, I'd have been missing the actual problem, which is that he is scared of being so cloe to someone, a problem that is going to keep manifesting itself with different apparent "causes."

We're friends now & this happens all the time.  He gets uncomfortable, pulls away, then points to some strange thing as the "cause."  When we discuss the cause after his emotions have re-regulated, it always melts away. If I got focused on the stated reason & wound up about addressing it, again, I'd be missing the real cause, which is deeper but, it seems, invisible to him