Need some help

[Eco]

I havent posted in a few weeks and I have been posting on the undecided board but ive been leaning towards trying to stay with my NPD/BPDxgf. If I dont stay with her I still need to learn to deal with her as she is 8 months pregnant with my baby.

we also have a house together but me and my son are staying at my parents house which is 35 min away from her. things are at critical mass with her right now she has got worse every month with this pregnancy and she seems to stay in a constant state of dysreagulation, we are in very LC because she only wants to talk to me about rent for the house and that consists of me telling her i dropped the check off in the mailbox. I put the check in the mailbox because she doesnt want me in the house when she isnt home( control I think on her part) I dont fight this because I have no reason to be in the house.

She ended the R/S back in aug and then again in oct, she has rejected me ever since then. she has given me no info about the baby and the baby is due next month so I texted her yesterday( she refuses to talk on the phone)here is the conversation , please let me know how bad i screwed up. I have read the lessons but I dont get to practice them a lot.

me-i want to help you anyway i can. I imagine its difficult to do things right now, can i go grocery shopping for you? i wanted to clean the house ,what about this weekend? can i put the crib together? also im worried about you being alone at the house, its getting close to the due date, mabey i should stay there in a week or so in case you go into labor. has the date changed?

her-I dont NEED or WANT you here

me- ok can i get some info on the baby? I dont even know her name, have they given a date yet? im just trying to be involved with her.

her-what makes you think your entitiled to ANYTHING after treating me like crap for 9 months straight and making mehave to be ALONE for this ENTIRE pregnancy? and u think u are just entitled because you got off inside me? and i have to go through all the hardship of being not only preg but preg and ALONE!I DONT THINK SO!

me- youre right i screwed things up its my fault. I dont want to argue and im very sorry youre going through all of this and im trying to be more understanding of your feelings but remember , I didnt break up with you, mabey im wrong but i felt rejected since aug. I wanted to have a relationship with you and I still want to work things out. I think we should talk with our councelors about this. are you planning on keeping me from my daughter?

her-do you think you are entitiled to reap the benefits of her just because u got off in me and have not endured ANY of the hardships i have?

her-i am sure you do, cause u are the most selfish person i have ever met!

her-A REAL FATHER doesnt just come around AFTER the baby is born!

me- I agree its not fair that women have to go through all that pain and suffering and men dont. I know its going to be very difficult for you after the baby comes , 3 kids and alone wont be easy. thats why i want to work things out so i can help you and be there and have a family with you.

her-im sick of doing this with u! i have told u over and over and over! you had chance after chance for 9 months to do the right thing! your dillusional if u thinku can come in now and reap benifits of my months of suffering! Im done talking, leave me alone. you didnt seem to have a problem doing that when i didnt want u to

me- ok if thats what you want, let me say that you have suffered much more then i have , but its not fair to say i had no problem leaving you alone, i have been in agony from not being with you since aug there hasnt been a day i havent thought of you and the girls (her kids) and wished me and my son were there, its been the hardest thing since my divorce. i wanted a relationship with you more then anything i wanted to marry you. I never gave up on you, no matter what mistakes you made i would never turn my back on you or leave you. i wish you felt the same for me. this could still work out. and you meant much more to me then someone to get off in.

her- (2hrs later) I AM SO TIRED OF U WASTING MY TIME WITH YOUR WORDS! i have told u over and over, its your ACTIONS from the begining and still to this day! you were NOT thinking of me when u CHOSE to not move in to this house, you were NOT thinking of me when u CHOSE for your son to not move in, you were NOT thinking of me when you CONSISTANTLY, this whole 9 months, argue with me and you have not supported me emotionally. and you are certainly NOT thinking of ME now! look back through all your texts, in almost all of them you constantly say I WANT!

I had another text i was going to send but decided to let things cool down. I know i was JADE ing all over the place but i did hold back a lot . the fact that she has been the one pushing me away since aug and i did move in with her but her rageing made me move out. The origional plans was for me and my son to move in but he dislikes her so much because of how she treated me, all the yelling and cursing by her at me scared him. so we made plans to go to counceling and work on our issues and my son would stay on the weekends and get used to her. that never happened because she got worse.

here is the text i wanted to send her

me- my texts do say i want a lot in them , they say , I want to help you , i want to work things out with you, i want to have a family with you, i want everyone to be happy, is that so bad that i want to help you and work things out with you and have a family with you? I have asked for forgiveness from you for my mistakes and i have asked you if we could start over and do things the right way, I have asked you if me and my son could move in 2 months ago but you want no part of that all you seem interested in is holding my mistakes against me and staying angry with me. what good is that going to do you and the baby when she comes to hold on to resentment and anger towards me its not going to change the past. our daughter and our kids should have a whole family and not a broken one, I want to work together with you and give them that. Ive been asking what can i do for you but you reject my offers. what can i do for you? what do you want? what can i do to work things out with you?


please help. im open to all advice ,thanks

her-

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

Just a thought... .  

Pregnancy is difficult at times and emotions go completely wacky... .  been there!     Couple that with BPD and you've got a recipe for disaster as you're experience is showing. 

I don't know the circumstances of your relationship or the consequent break up, but she clearly sees herself as the victim and I'm not sure how you can rectify that.  Perhaps someone with more experience can help you there.

As for your conversations... .  it's a matter of semantics.  You may be saying "I want what is best for you and our family," but she can't get beyond hearing "I want" which makes it more about YOU than HER.  Perhaps if you take "I want" out and replace it with something else~~I'm willing to... .    together we can... .   

I hope she is able to get beyond the anger since there is a child involved.  Wishing you the best!

[yeeter]

Hey Eco,

Others will have additional thoughts, but a couple simple ones:

First, you recognize that you were JADE ing.  So you just need to figure out your triggers on why... .  And quit doing it.

And apologies should be used very sparingly in my experience.  It's received as an admission of wrong doing.  So it works better (for me) to almost never apologize.  Even if I feel I should.  

Validate her feelings.  Not the accuracy of what she says.  Things like, I can sense that you are upset and it must be frustrating to be feeling upset during pregnancy, instead of enjoying the life experience.  Or things like this... .  Jus addressing and feeding back as you are able, what she is feeling.  Likely she will say you are all wrong abou this as well, but then she has the option of sharing what she really is feeling.

I also read here a lot of her trying to heap guilt on you.  Take a close look at this and how you feel about it.

Don't try to fix anything for her.  Help in whatever way YOU want, but for your own good and not hers (it sounds selfish, but you DO need to have your own wants at the forefront).  And she will need to figure out how to get what she wants, and this May or may not involve you (you have the right to draw any limits you want, and not feel guilty about it)

I'm wondering why you give her money if you are not living with her.  If it's a form of child support, you should be consulting with a lawyer (you should be doing this anyway).  Sometimes precedence is set that affects things later on.  She may choose to try to keep you from ever seeing your child.  Or demand even more $$.  Anything is possible, so good to know the legal boundaries so you are informed with what YOUR choices are.

She is going to rant at you, and blame you for everything.  When the hormones are kicked up with pregnancy, everything is amplified.  Grow thick skin so these accusations don't affect you.

Often we try to sooth or appease them hoping we will get something in return. It doesn't work this way, they will just take it and then take some more, never considering to give back.

Keep your friends and family close, and take care of yourself.  Ultimately you cannot control anything she does or does not do.  So focus on your own decisions and actions.

[Eco]

I don't know the circumstances of your relationship or the consequent break up, but she clearly sees herself as the victim and I'm not sure how you can rectify that.

basicly me and my son (he is 9) were going to move in with my xNPD/BPDgf and her kids, we signed the lease but before we moved in my son had a meltdown about moving in. the problem was he is scared of my xgf because of the way she treated me , raging ,cursing and fighting with me. so I explained what was going on my xgf started rageing at me and wanted me to force him to move , I made a boundary that i wasnt going to make him move untill he was ajusted to her. I offered a option that i would move in and have my son stay the weekends with us and get ajusted, i thought 6 months should be plenty of time. she reluctently agreed and we moved in , i didnt last 2 weeks with all the fighting, and she told me we were going to live as roomates at that point.

we talked about our fighting before we moved in together and i was concerned we would break up, I told her i wouldnt be able to live as a roomate with her if we broke up. she wanted to move in anyway so when she ended things with me I moved in with my son at my parents house. I enforced those 2 boundarys and i havent broke them and she has been in a extinction burst since aug it seems.

I have been trying since aug to work things out with her but she has rejected and pushed me away, i believe she wants it this way so she can be the victim.

I'm wondering why you give her money if you are not living with her.  If it's a form of child support, you should be consulting with a lawyer (you should be doing this anyway).  Sometimes precedence is set that affects things later on.  She may choose to try to keep you from ever seeing your child.  Or demand even more $$.  Anything is possible, so good to know the legal boundaries so you are informed with what YOUR choices are.

we have a lease on the house together so my name is on the lease til aug this year, I have spoke to a lawyer and was advised to keep paying rent till the baby is born so it shows that i was thinking of the baby, because we arent married i have no rights and wont have any untill a dna test confirms i am the father. problem is i wont know when she is going to give birth.

thanks rockylove and yeeter for the advice 

yeeter you deal with the NPD from your wife everyday, how do you deal with the cruelty,attacks on your self esteem and the twisted view of reality? its been so hard for me because i miss her when im gone but when she is in her MR. HYDE phase i want to run for my life i have a constant dreadful feeling just thinking about dealing with her.

my son told me after seeing how she acts and treats me" dad im glad you met someone but i wish you met someone that was nicer to you"

when i asked him to describe how he feels around her he said "its like going to the dr when i know i have to get a shot" he gets anxious and fearful waiting for her next meltdown.

[yeeter]

yeeter you deal with the NPD from your wife everyday, how do you deal with the cruelty,attacks on your self esteem and the twisted view of reality? its been so hard for me because i miss her when im gone but when she is in her MR. HYDE phase i want to run for my life i have a constant dreadful feeling just thinking about dealing with her.

my son told me after seeing how she acts and treats me" dad im glad you met someone but i wish you met someone that was nicer to you"

when i asked him to describe how he feels around her he said "its like going to the dr when i know i have to get a shot" he gets anxious and fearful waiting for her next meltdown.

To be honest, some days are better than others.  And I am always unsure what is going to happen next.  In fact there have been a couple incidents lately - one I posted even because I was unsure - that we complete non issues.

The best thing you can do is regain your own sense of self and confidence in your own judgment/perspectives.  Then pick a course and live it to your model, the best you can.  She may try to distract or derail, but just hold the course. 

For me it required a lot of detachment.  Not to say I don't care about her, but I had to quit caring how she might react.  She might melt down, she might not.  But I'm doing xyz... .  

And my kids are trickier.  For sure they spend a lot of time trying to 'not get mom upset'.  But I can be there to be sure they feel loved.  And give them ideas on how to manage to the best I know how (which isn't all that much at times... .  Just clear out and give space). 

The last incident was one where my wife was setting my D6 up for failure.  That is, gave a task that wasn't possible to complete to her satisfaction.  I was able to redirect a little by focusing on what my D6 might be feeling (in a sense reminding my wife, and showing her how to put herself in someone eleses shoes and show empathy).  Not criticizing, but just questions like 'i wonder what D6 feels about xyz... .  '. Often if we can get it in the form of a problem, then it goes better because she is very good at problem solving.  And does love the children (too much in some ways)

My S8 has developed a personality where he is afraid to try things.  If he isn't going to get it perfect, he locks up.  For example... .  He is really good at math.  But a while back told me he got a 2 on a quiz where all the other kids got over 10, because he panic'd.  Normally he scores well above everyone else.  He has become hyper risk adverse and technically accurate in everything he does/says (in part because if he says anything that isn't factual, he is corrected... .  Or called a liar). The first thing that is noticed about his work, are any defects. 

So a critical lense

I try to balance this out and comment on all the positives and not even notice the defects.

Sorry for the rambling.  It's a hard question, and you are right to consider how your son would be affected if living in this environment. 

The changes I have made from the lessons here have help.  For certain.  And things are slowly going in a positive direction.  So it's all holding together ... .  The choice was a highly contentious, bitter, contested coparenting arrangement.  And the kids would suffer much worse in that arrangement.

Think hard before you drag your son into it.  Tough choices

[Rockylove]

my son told me after seeing how she acts and treats me" dad im glad you met someone but i wish you met someone that was nicer to you"

when i asked him to describe how he feels around her he said "its like going to the dr when i know i have to get a shot" he gets anxious and fearful waiting for her next meltdown.

Very wise and insightful son you have!   Kids will often see things more clearly in regard to our relationship than we do. 

I'm glad you have taken your son out of the situation and are providing him with a safe haven.  Although we may want a relationship to work and make every effort to rectify bad situations, we as parents must remember that we are first responsible for the little lives we created. 

[Joseph54]

Eco,

You seem to be doing everything you can to make this relationship work but she is unwilling to let you in.

Your girlfriend seems very damaged and it is not up to you to heal her but it is your responsibilty to look after yourself.

Do what is right, as you are doing, but do not get drawn in to her world it will only destroy you and then you will not be able to help.

Keep healthy boundaries between you and her.

You cannot rescue her but you can save yourself.

Joe